In today’s newsletter, we will look at how to be a better listener…
Have you ever talked on the telephone while watching TV, folding clothes, or surfing the Internet? Have you ever felt that the person you were talking to was nodding and saying "uh-huh" in appropriate places but not really listening to you? The message conveyed in these examples is that the listener has higher priorities than giving full attention to the speaker. That message can make the speaker feel unimportant, frustrated, and hurt.
Good listening is one of the most important skills we as moms and dads can develop. We want to strengthen our relationships with our kids, and one of the best ways to do this is through our active, caring listening. Our undivided attention to what our kids are saying tells them that they are important to us. It shows that we value them as individuals; we care about them and every part of their lives. Also, we can teach them to be good listeners by modeling good listening skills.
What To Know—
Be prepared to drop what you are doing when your youngster wants to talk, even when it is not the most convenient time for you. A youngster or adolescent may finally get up the courage to discuss a tough problem, and you don't want to miss the opportunity to connect with him through active listening.
What To Do—
• Ask open-ended questions. Avoid asking questions that can be answered with a yes or no.
• Be interested and attentive. Look into your youngster's eyes while she is speaking. Forget about the telephone, the television, and whatever else you were doing—just listen!
• Don't interrupt. Sometimes, as moms and dads, we want to jump into the conversation with an opinion or a solution before letting our youngster finish talking. By being an active listener, we can help him work through an issue on his own instead of solving the problem for him.
• Don't talk down to your youngster no matter what his age. You probably know more than he does from experience alone, but don't use this knowledge to discount his opinions. Don't say, for example, "You're only 14. What do you know about…?"
• Follow-up. Try to remember and ask about issues or events your youngster talked about a day or two earlier. This shows her that you were listening and are concerned about the outcomes.
• Give your youngster active feedback while she is speaking—nodding, giving verbal responses such as "I see," etc. When she has finished speaking, ask clarifying questions or restate what she's said. If she is telling you something she is enthusiastic about, for example, try to respond with similar enthusiasm.
• Name the feeling You can help your youngster clarify his feelings through your active feedback by restating his thoughts or asking questions. This can help him deal with a problem or tackle a difficult task. He can clarify, for example, that he's avoiding his homework because he's afraid he can't do the math. Facing this fear will help him overcome it.
• Watch for nonverbal messages. Posture, eye contact, and energy level—these can all be clues to your youngster's true feelings. She may tell you school is going okay but her nonverbal messages may tell a different story.
Audio/Video E-Book(R) Plus Online Parent-Coaching For Parents With Out-of-Control Teens
27.7.10
12.7.10
Boundaries
Boundaries are the lines you can draw in the sand. The purpose of boundaries is to keep your kid safe. They are not used to control your youngster into being a different person, to have a different attitude, to change their style of expression. Boundaries are for safety.
If you are reading this article and have a situation with a troublesome youngster, then it is already likely you have fallen into the trap of exercising too much control over your kid to change who they are. Excessive control will always lead to excessive playing out of the youngster trying to break free from it. PERIOD! This is a “lose- lose” situation.
However you do have to have boundaries set to protect your children, obviously. This is how I drew the line in the sand with my own children. I would tell them that there are rules and there are cardinal sins. Not cardinal sins like from the bible, but cardinal sins from me. Cardinal sins are few but absolute. Mine were; no unsafe sex. Obviously I did not want them having sex early, but realistically unless I could be with them 24 hours a day… ultimately I would not have that control. So the cardinal sin was for unsafe sex which is ultimately far worse. No drinking and driving, no riding with a drinking driver. No hard drugs. And that was my Cardinal sin list. I could have made a thousand sins on that list, but then I would be leaning more towards control than guidance.
Cardinal sins were enforced by me saying this. Children I love you and I am your father. It’s my job to keep you safe. Rules are rules and everyone makes a mistake once in awhile breaking a rule. But Cardinal sins can never be broken. If you do, you will lose everything you have that I have given you. Cell phones, televisions, music, toys, hobbies, everything is gone. It may be for a year, it may be two years, it may be forever. If you break a cardinal rule, your life as you know it today, is over. I made sure I got this point across by telling them several times in their lives.
Use cardinal rules to set your boundaries. Everything else that you want to control about your kid’s life you need to evaluate whether it is because the thing is harmful to your kid, or just something that you do not like. If you have been overbearing with your control over your child's life, you have created a time bomb that will explode to the determent of you and your youngster. The good news if you have is that now you have a lot of low hanging fruit. Release this control, keeping your boundaries. Your kid will have a huge sigh of healthy relief - and so will you.
A parent’s job is not to change the personality of their children, as much as we are all driven to do so. Control will never change who they are. Being an example to them will always affect them. Empowering them to have self control by being given more freedom – with naturally occurring consequences will give them self control. But overbearing parental control will not, not ever.
Online parent Support
If you are reading this article and have a situation with a troublesome youngster, then it is already likely you have fallen into the trap of exercising too much control over your kid to change who they are. Excessive control will always lead to excessive playing out of the youngster trying to break free from it. PERIOD! This is a “lose- lose” situation.
However you do have to have boundaries set to protect your children, obviously. This is how I drew the line in the sand with my own children. I would tell them that there are rules and there are cardinal sins. Not cardinal sins like from the bible, but cardinal sins from me. Cardinal sins are few but absolute. Mine were; no unsafe sex. Obviously I did not want them having sex early, but realistically unless I could be with them 24 hours a day… ultimately I would not have that control. So the cardinal sin was for unsafe sex which is ultimately far worse. No drinking and driving, no riding with a drinking driver. No hard drugs. And that was my Cardinal sin list. I could have made a thousand sins on that list, but then I would be leaning more towards control than guidance.
Cardinal sins were enforced by me saying this. Children I love you and I am your father. It’s my job to keep you safe. Rules are rules and everyone makes a mistake once in awhile breaking a rule. But Cardinal sins can never be broken. If you do, you will lose everything you have that I have given you. Cell phones, televisions, music, toys, hobbies, everything is gone. It may be for a year, it may be two years, it may be forever. If you break a cardinal rule, your life as you know it today, is over. I made sure I got this point across by telling them several times in their lives.
Use cardinal rules to set your boundaries. Everything else that you want to control about your kid’s life you need to evaluate whether it is because the thing is harmful to your kid, or just something that you do not like. If you have been overbearing with your control over your child's life, you have created a time bomb that will explode to the determent of you and your youngster. The good news if you have is that now you have a lot of low hanging fruit. Release this control, keeping your boundaries. Your kid will have a huge sigh of healthy relief - and so will you.
A parent’s job is not to change the personality of their children, as much as we are all driven to do so. Control will never change who they are. Being an example to them will always affect them. Empowering them to have self control by being given more freedom – with naturally occurring consequences will give them self control. But overbearing parental control will not, not ever.
Online parent Support
6.7.10
Avoiding Power Struggles
Inevitably, sometime within your parenting career, you will face a power-struggle with your youngster. If you don’t, you may be too intimidating, your youngster may be rather compliant, or you have mastered the art of managing conflict. Power-struggles occur due to a variety of factors, but invariably make a parent feel fatigued, frustrated, and helpless.
Power-struggles emerge as a conflict over demands, wants and needs. Moms and dads will attempt to get their youngster to manifest certain desired behaviors while the youngster may choose to react to the request in a negative manner. Kids/teens demonstrate various techniques for “testing” their parent’s patience. They may cry, have temper tantrums, manipulate, avoid contact, become aggressive, and refuse to comply with expectations. Moms and dads may employ various methods in trying to hold their kids/teens accountable regarding their requests. They use control, lecturing, pressure, guilt, bribery, sulking, or aggressive behavior as strategies to get what they want from their kids/teens. None of these methods generally work very effectively.
Moms and dads who seek counseling will indicate that they have tried everything in their arsenal in an attempt to get appropriate behavior displayed by their kids/teens. Power-struggles may occur over issues such as schooling, household chores, and a youngster’s desire for more freedom, or a youngster merely wanting his own way. Power-struggles can be minimized if moms and dads will change their tactics with their kids/teens. This process can be accomplished if a parent is open to new ways of managing problems:
• Always explore problems rather than confront them aggressively. Have your kids/teens make value judgments about their behavior rather than you making judgments on their behalf.
• Consequences for kids/teens should primarily be positive providing a preventative means of avoiding the potential for power-struggles. Unreasonable consequences imparted to a youngster while a parent is angry will serve to reinforce the power-struggle.
• Don’t get “hooked” by your youngster’s behavior. Step back, take a deep breath, disengage, and set logical consequences appropriate to the offense.
• Involvement, teaching, role-modeling and coaching work better than power as a means of managing your kids/teens.
• Major in the majors. Don’t “lock horns” over issues of little consequence. If you do, the little issues will become major storms.
• Make sure that your logical consequences that are based on negative behavior are reasonable. Consequences are designed to be used until improved behavior is observable.
• Most power-struggles can be avoided by establishing meaningful, consistent, logical consequences. Kids/teens should be informed regarding the nature of positive and negative consequences. Fight the urge to engage and merely lay out the consequences for appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
• Never acknowledge or entertain temper tantrums. Distance yourself and isolate your youngster (time-out) until she is ready to respond rationally.
• Parenting is not about doing things the “right or wrong” way. If what you are doing isn’t working, shift gears and move in another direction.
• Remember, you are the adult. Kids will always try to test the limits.
• By all means, avoid power-struggles over schooling. Power-struggles over a youngster’s education are number one on the list. Rather than pontificate with kids/teens about grades, capabilities, and school failure, ask them to explore and make value judgments about their performance. On occasion, monitor their performance, but fight the urge to continuously confront them about their failures. Set positive consequences to encourage completed work. Emphasize the quality of their work (process) rather than grades (outcome).
Utilize outside resources, if necessary, such as tutors, parent advocates, and counseling services rather than confronting educational issues yourself. Maintain a sense of involvement with your youngster that is not conditional upon school success. Ironically, it may break the power-struggle and generally lead a youngster to change his perspective about schooling.
Avoiding power-struggles involves setting appropriate limits for your kids/teens, being consistent in enforcing them, and being reasonable with the management of consequences. Remember, positive consequences are much more effective in leading to improved behavior and help eradicate power-struggles. Kids/teens will respect you more if you are significantly involved in a positive manner in your youngster’s life and choose to role-model the behaviors that you desire your kids/teens to emulate.
Online Parent Support
Power-struggles emerge as a conflict over demands, wants and needs. Moms and dads will attempt to get their youngster to manifest certain desired behaviors while the youngster may choose to react to the request in a negative manner. Kids/teens demonstrate various techniques for “testing” their parent’s patience. They may cry, have temper tantrums, manipulate, avoid contact, become aggressive, and refuse to comply with expectations. Moms and dads may employ various methods in trying to hold their kids/teens accountable regarding their requests. They use control, lecturing, pressure, guilt, bribery, sulking, or aggressive behavior as strategies to get what they want from their kids/teens. None of these methods generally work very effectively.
Moms and dads who seek counseling will indicate that they have tried everything in their arsenal in an attempt to get appropriate behavior displayed by their kids/teens. Power-struggles may occur over issues such as schooling, household chores, and a youngster’s desire for more freedom, or a youngster merely wanting his own way. Power-struggles can be minimized if moms and dads will change their tactics with their kids/teens. This process can be accomplished if a parent is open to new ways of managing problems:
• Always explore problems rather than confront them aggressively. Have your kids/teens make value judgments about their behavior rather than you making judgments on their behalf.
• Consequences for kids/teens should primarily be positive providing a preventative means of avoiding the potential for power-struggles. Unreasonable consequences imparted to a youngster while a parent is angry will serve to reinforce the power-struggle.
• Don’t get “hooked” by your youngster’s behavior. Step back, take a deep breath, disengage, and set logical consequences appropriate to the offense.
• Involvement, teaching, role-modeling and coaching work better than power as a means of managing your kids/teens.
• Major in the majors. Don’t “lock horns” over issues of little consequence. If you do, the little issues will become major storms.
• Make sure that your logical consequences that are based on negative behavior are reasonable. Consequences are designed to be used until improved behavior is observable.
• Most power-struggles can be avoided by establishing meaningful, consistent, logical consequences. Kids/teens should be informed regarding the nature of positive and negative consequences. Fight the urge to engage and merely lay out the consequences for appropriate or inappropriate behavior.
• Never acknowledge or entertain temper tantrums. Distance yourself and isolate your youngster (time-out) until she is ready to respond rationally.
• Parenting is not about doing things the “right or wrong” way. If what you are doing isn’t working, shift gears and move in another direction.
• Remember, you are the adult. Kids will always try to test the limits.
• By all means, avoid power-struggles over schooling. Power-struggles over a youngster’s education are number one on the list. Rather than pontificate with kids/teens about grades, capabilities, and school failure, ask them to explore and make value judgments about their performance. On occasion, monitor their performance, but fight the urge to continuously confront them about their failures. Set positive consequences to encourage completed work. Emphasize the quality of their work (process) rather than grades (outcome).
Utilize outside resources, if necessary, such as tutors, parent advocates, and counseling services rather than confronting educational issues yourself. Maintain a sense of involvement with your youngster that is not conditional upon school success. Ironically, it may break the power-struggle and generally lead a youngster to change his perspective about schooling.
Avoiding power-struggles involves setting appropriate limits for your kids/teens, being consistent in enforcing them, and being reasonable with the management of consequences. Remember, positive consequences are much more effective in leading to improved behavior and help eradicate power-struggles. Kids/teens will respect you more if you are significantly involved in a positive manner in your youngster’s life and choose to role-model the behaviors that you desire your kids/teens to emulate.
Online Parent Support
2.7.10
Teens and the Struggle for Control
“Control” is one of the strategies people use to get their needs and wants met. As kids grow, you will see them trying to gain control in order to get more autonomy and power over their lives. When your youngster was an infant, you had almost all the control. He communicated that he was hungry or uncomfortable by crying; that was the only control he had. As your youngster grew older, he took on more responsibility—and with more responsibility came more control. He learned to pick up after himself, and he also learned that refusing to do chores gave him some control. He learned to do his homework—and refusing to do it also gave him control. Remember, there is no such thing as positive or negative control: it's simply control with positive or negative ends.
There are many things in life that are empowering. Certainly information, knowledge and communication skills are empowering in a constructive way. And also sadly, violence, abuse, and threats can be empowering in a destructive way. If children learn the latter lesson at any point in their development, they can become entrenched in a way of behaving where they use acting out, threats and verbal abuse to get what they want. I personally believe this is a dangerous path for children to start heading down, and encourage moms and dads to take this behavior very seriously when it first develops.
Know that when children engage in control struggles with you, although it may feel like they’re trying to control you, generally they don’t think of it this way. They just feel like whatever is going on isn't fair—or that it's not their fault. In fact, they probably aren’t even aware they’re testing your control. They see it as, “I don’t want to clean my room now. I just want to watch T.V.” Or “You're old fashioned, you just don't understand.”
And that's their actual perception—most of the time they’re really seeing it that way. Most kids and adolescents don’t perceive life the same way their adult moms and dads do. As grown-ups, we often mistakenly think children see the same picture we do, so we might wonder “What’s the problem?” when they start arguing with us. But most children don’t have the adult ability to perceive the totality of what’s going on. And not only are they developmentally immature, but there are certain obstacles that can block them from developing that awareness in an age-appropriate manner. There may be diagnosed (or undiagnosed) learning disabilities, which cause distortions in their thinking. The end result is that they become willing to fight everyone and everything in order to get their way.
Adolescents especially see the world very differently than moms and dads. While moms and dads are concerned about safety and want their children to avoid doing high risk things, adolescents may feel as if they're being held back from doing things that appear reasonable and legitimate to them. This becomes even more complex when children discover that some of their peers are allowed to do the things they are not.
So adolescents can develop a way of looking at some of their moms and dads’ decisions as unfair. That perception fuels their willingness to fight, argue, and engage in defiant control struggles with you. For example, you decide you don’t want your teen to go to a party if there’s no adult supervision. Your adolescent just wants to go to the same party her friends are attending—she doesn’t have any thoughts at all about adult supervision or risk. When you bring it up, she thinks you’re old fashioned or out of touch—and the conflict starts there.
For the most part, this is healthy. It may be annoying (in fact, you’ll probably feel you’re saying the same things over and over) but children need to find ways to challenge adult authority appropriately. And by appropriately I mean not cursing, verbally abusing or personally attacking you. By the way, if the challenge is appropriate, moms and dads need to learn how to respond with an open mind.
It surprises many moms and dads when I say that we don't want to take all control struggles away. Rather, we want to take the defiance out of the control struggle. This is because as children go through their developmental stages, they need to challenge their moms and dads appropriately in order to get more autonomy. And moms and dads, in turn, need to teach their children that with autonomy comes responsibility and accountability. Kids are looking to be more independent and make more decisions, but they should not be allowed to argue in an abusive, hurtful or obnoxious way. Here’s the bottom line: children have to learn how to have control struggles with their moms and dads in a way that is not a personal attack.
Look at it this way: when a police officer pulls you over, if you don't agree that you’ve made a mistake in traffic, you might find yourself in a control struggle with him. If you get out of your car and start screaming, that won’t get you anywhere. Instead, you try the tactic of calmly and respectfully explain your position. Whether or not he still gives you a ticket, you’ve been able to present your viewpoint in a way that doesn’t get you into more trouble, and might in fact solve your problem. In the same way, ultimately we want children to learn how to advocate for themselves by engaging in actions and conversations which increase their autonomy—without getting them into more trouble.
So know that it’s normal for children, and especially adolescents, to get into control struggles. That testing, pushing and challenging of your authority, no matter how difficult to deal with at times, is your youngster’s job. As he matures, his goal is to separate and individuate from you—to form his own opinions and feelings about things. Part of that process includes the desire for more power and control over his life; your goal is to make sure he tests those boundaries without being abusive or threatening.
Often, moms and dads don’t want to expand a youngster’s circle of control over his own life as fast as the youngster would like. At the same time, children want more control. So, moms and dads are constantly pushing against that wall to hold it steady, while the youngster is pushing back from the other side. Certainly, by the time children are 13, 14, 15 or 16, they're questioning the rules you’ve set for them. They’re pounding on that wall with a sledgehammer, asking, “Why can’t I go to the concert? Why can’t I wear make-up? Why can’t I borrow the car tonight?” Their confrontation of your limits becomes stronger and stronger as they get older. So defiant control struggles can increase in frequency and intensity unless moms and dads know how to manage them.
Almost all children become increasingly resistant to parental authority as they grow older. For many children, that resistance is acted out in socially acceptable ways. But some children really get entrenched in control struggles. They become defiant, not just resistant. Their most common answer is “No, I’m not going to do it.” When you tell them there will be consequences, they’ll tell you they don’t care.
For those children who learn that defiance helps them get their way, you’ll see their urge to become defiant grow stronger and stronger. A typical trap many moms and dads fall into is developing a pattern of giving in as the youngster wears them down. After that, any time the moms and dads resist, the kid thinks, “Well, if I push a little more, then they'll give in.” And so the youngster can escalate forever. In effect, the youngster is confronting the boundaries you’ve created, and will keep confronting them until they no longer exist...
The truth is, you really can't win with somebody who's got nothing to lose—you’ll just end up losing more and more of your own control. For moms and dads in the situation where things have gotten to a point where the youngster is abusive and aggressive, I recommend that they seek some professional help. Because that pattern can be stopped and it can be changed. You don't have to be stuck in that forever, you just need to learn how to deal with it. In my opinion, what these children really need to learn is that defiance doesn't solve their problem; defiance doesn't get them what they want in the first place. And if moms and dads don’t teach them this lesson when they’re young, these children will certainly find out later when they’re dealing with the school system, their employer, the police or their spouse.
Both the youngster who is mildly resistant to authority and the defiant, acting out youngster need to be empowered with problem solving skills to learn how to communicate effectively in the many situations life presents. I think that this particular training for adult life should start very early. Believe me, you can’t walk into your boss’s office and say, “This stinks, I’m not going to do it, you’re a jerk,” and expect to have your needs met. Children need to learn how to negotiate and advocate for themselves in order to gain control, and they need to do it in an appropriate way—a way which doesn't get them into trouble and doesn't make the problem worse.
Online Parent Support
There are many things in life that are empowering. Certainly information, knowledge and communication skills are empowering in a constructive way. And also sadly, violence, abuse, and threats can be empowering in a destructive way. If children learn the latter lesson at any point in their development, they can become entrenched in a way of behaving where they use acting out, threats and verbal abuse to get what they want. I personally believe this is a dangerous path for children to start heading down, and encourage moms and dads to take this behavior very seriously when it first develops.
Know that when children engage in control struggles with you, although it may feel like they’re trying to control you, generally they don’t think of it this way. They just feel like whatever is going on isn't fair—or that it's not their fault. In fact, they probably aren’t even aware they’re testing your control. They see it as, “I don’t want to clean my room now. I just want to watch T.V.” Or “You're old fashioned, you just don't understand.”
And that's their actual perception—most of the time they’re really seeing it that way. Most kids and adolescents don’t perceive life the same way their adult moms and dads do. As grown-ups, we often mistakenly think children see the same picture we do, so we might wonder “What’s the problem?” when they start arguing with us. But most children don’t have the adult ability to perceive the totality of what’s going on. And not only are they developmentally immature, but there are certain obstacles that can block them from developing that awareness in an age-appropriate manner. There may be diagnosed (or undiagnosed) learning disabilities, which cause distortions in their thinking. The end result is that they become willing to fight everyone and everything in order to get their way.
Adolescents especially see the world very differently than moms and dads. While moms and dads are concerned about safety and want their children to avoid doing high risk things, adolescents may feel as if they're being held back from doing things that appear reasonable and legitimate to them. This becomes even more complex when children discover that some of their peers are allowed to do the things they are not.
So adolescents can develop a way of looking at some of their moms and dads’ decisions as unfair. That perception fuels their willingness to fight, argue, and engage in defiant control struggles with you. For example, you decide you don’t want your teen to go to a party if there’s no adult supervision. Your adolescent just wants to go to the same party her friends are attending—she doesn’t have any thoughts at all about adult supervision or risk. When you bring it up, she thinks you’re old fashioned or out of touch—and the conflict starts there.
For the most part, this is healthy. It may be annoying (in fact, you’ll probably feel you’re saying the same things over and over) but children need to find ways to challenge adult authority appropriately. And by appropriately I mean not cursing, verbally abusing or personally attacking you. By the way, if the challenge is appropriate, moms and dads need to learn how to respond with an open mind.
It surprises many moms and dads when I say that we don't want to take all control struggles away. Rather, we want to take the defiance out of the control struggle. This is because as children go through their developmental stages, they need to challenge their moms and dads appropriately in order to get more autonomy. And moms and dads, in turn, need to teach their children that with autonomy comes responsibility and accountability. Kids are looking to be more independent and make more decisions, but they should not be allowed to argue in an abusive, hurtful or obnoxious way. Here’s the bottom line: children have to learn how to have control struggles with their moms and dads in a way that is not a personal attack.
Look at it this way: when a police officer pulls you over, if you don't agree that you’ve made a mistake in traffic, you might find yourself in a control struggle with him. If you get out of your car and start screaming, that won’t get you anywhere. Instead, you try the tactic of calmly and respectfully explain your position. Whether or not he still gives you a ticket, you’ve been able to present your viewpoint in a way that doesn’t get you into more trouble, and might in fact solve your problem. In the same way, ultimately we want children to learn how to advocate for themselves by engaging in actions and conversations which increase their autonomy—without getting them into more trouble.
So know that it’s normal for children, and especially adolescents, to get into control struggles. That testing, pushing and challenging of your authority, no matter how difficult to deal with at times, is your youngster’s job. As he matures, his goal is to separate and individuate from you—to form his own opinions and feelings about things. Part of that process includes the desire for more power and control over his life; your goal is to make sure he tests those boundaries without being abusive or threatening.
Often, moms and dads don’t want to expand a youngster’s circle of control over his own life as fast as the youngster would like. At the same time, children want more control. So, moms and dads are constantly pushing against that wall to hold it steady, while the youngster is pushing back from the other side. Certainly, by the time children are 13, 14, 15 or 16, they're questioning the rules you’ve set for them. They’re pounding on that wall with a sledgehammer, asking, “Why can’t I go to the concert? Why can’t I wear make-up? Why can’t I borrow the car tonight?” Their confrontation of your limits becomes stronger and stronger as they get older. So defiant control struggles can increase in frequency and intensity unless moms and dads know how to manage them.
Almost all children become increasingly resistant to parental authority as they grow older. For many children, that resistance is acted out in socially acceptable ways. But some children really get entrenched in control struggles. They become defiant, not just resistant. Their most common answer is “No, I’m not going to do it.” When you tell them there will be consequences, they’ll tell you they don’t care.
For those children who learn that defiance helps them get their way, you’ll see their urge to become defiant grow stronger and stronger. A typical trap many moms and dads fall into is developing a pattern of giving in as the youngster wears them down. After that, any time the moms and dads resist, the kid thinks, “Well, if I push a little more, then they'll give in.” And so the youngster can escalate forever. In effect, the youngster is confronting the boundaries you’ve created, and will keep confronting them until they no longer exist...
The truth is, you really can't win with somebody who's got nothing to lose—you’ll just end up losing more and more of your own control. For moms and dads in the situation where things have gotten to a point where the youngster is abusive and aggressive, I recommend that they seek some professional help. Because that pattern can be stopped and it can be changed. You don't have to be stuck in that forever, you just need to learn how to deal with it. In my opinion, what these children really need to learn is that defiance doesn't solve their problem; defiance doesn't get them what they want in the first place. And if moms and dads don’t teach them this lesson when they’re young, these children will certainly find out later when they’re dealing with the school system, their employer, the police or their spouse.
Both the youngster who is mildly resistant to authority and the defiant, acting out youngster need to be empowered with problem solving skills to learn how to communicate effectively in the many situations life presents. I think that this particular training for adult life should start very early. Believe me, you can’t walk into your boss’s office and say, “This stinks, I’m not going to do it, you’re a jerk,” and expect to have your needs met. Children need to learn how to negotiate and advocate for themselves in order to gain control, and they need to do it in an appropriate way—a way which doesn't get them into trouble and doesn't make the problem worse.
Online Parent Support
21.6.10
Parenting: Preparing for the Teenage Years
Parenting can be the most rewarding work of adult life. Nothing brings more joy and pride than a happy, productive, and loving youngster. Each age and stage of a youngster's development has specific goals and tasks. For infants, it is to eat, sleep, and explore their world. For adolescents, it is to become their own person with their own group of friends. Adolescents need many skills in order to successfully achieve their goal of increased independence. Some adolescents do not make this transition smoothly. Their movement toward independence can cause stress and grief for moms and dads. Some aspects of this rough transition are normal and, while stressful, should not alarm moms and dads.
Starting early is the best way for moms and dads to prepare for their youngster's adolescence. The following are ways that moms and dads can prepare themselves and their youngster for a smoother transition and greater success in achieving the tasks of adolescent development:
• Allowing age appropriate independence and assertiveness
• Creating an atmosphere of honesty, mutual trust, and respect
• Developing a relationship that encourages your youngster to talk to you
• Providing a safe and loving home environment
• Teaching basic responsibility for household chores
• Teaching responsibility for their belongings and yours
• Teaching the importance of accepting limits
• Teaching the importance of thinking before acting
These are complex processes which occur gradually and start during infancy. An adolescent's adolescent years will be less stressful when moms and dads and youngster have worked together on these tasks throughout the youngster's earlier development.
The ability to talk openly about problems is one of the most important aspects of the parent and youngster relationship. Developing this relationship and establishing open communication takes time, persistence and understanding. The relationship develops gradually by spending time with the youngster. Meal times, storytelling, reading, playing games, outings, vacations, and celebrations are important opportunities for moms and dads to spend time with their youngster. Moms and dads should also try to spend some individual time with each youngster, particularly when talking about difficult or upsetting things. This relationship creates the foundation for talking with the youngster when struggles and conflicts emerge during adolescence.
A parent-youngster relationship which is very stressful or troubled during the preadolescent years can be a strong signal that professional help may be needed. Moms and dads= investment of time and energy in the youngster's early years can prevent small problems of youngsterhood from becoming larger problems of adolescence.
Discipline—
Kids do not always do what moms and dads want. When a youngster misbehaves, the parent must decide how to respond. All kids need rules and expectations to help them learn appropriate behavior. How does a parent teach a youngster the rules and, when those rules are broken, what should moms and dads do?
Moms and dads should begin by talking to each other about how they want to handle discipline and establish the rules. It is important to view discipline as teaching not punishment. Learning to follow rules keeps a youngster safe and helps him or her learn the difference between right and wrong.
Once rules have been established, moms and dads should explain to the youngster that broken rules carry consequences. For example, “Here are the rules. When you follow the rules, this will happen, and if you break a rule, this is what will happen.” Moms and dads and the youngster should decide together what the rewards and consequences will be. Moms and dads should always acknowledge and offer positive reinforcement and support when their youngster follows the rules. Moms and dads must also follow through with an appropriate consequence when the youngster breaks a rule. Consistency and predictability are the cornerstones of discipline and praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning.
Kids learn from experience. Having logical consequences for misbehavior helps them learn that they are accountable for their actions, without damaging their self-esteem. For example, if kids are fighting over the television, computer or a video game, turn it off. If a youngster spills milk at the dinner table while fooling around, have the youngster clean it up. Some behaviors have natural consequences. For example, an adolescent who stays up too late may suffer the natural consequences of being tired the next day. Another type of consequence that can be effective is the suspension or delay of a privilege. For example, if a youngster breaks the rule about where they can go on their bike, take away the bike for a few days. When a youngster does not do chores, he or she cannot do something special like spend the night with a friend or rent a movie.
There are different styles and approaches to parenting. Research shows that effective moms and dads raise well-adjusted kids who are more self-reliant, self-controlled, and positively curious than kids raised by moms and dads who are punitive, overly strict (authoritarian), or permissive. Effective moms and dads operate on the belief that both the youngster and the parent have certain rights and that the needs of both are important. Effective moms and dads don't need to use physical force to discipline the youngster, but are more likely to set clear rules and explain why these rules are important. Effective moms and dads reason with their kids and consider the youngsters' points of views even though they may not agree with them.
The following are tips for effective discipline:
• Allow for negotiation and flexibility, which can help build your youngster's social skills.
• Be clear about what you mean. Be firm and specific.
• Consequences should be fair and appropriate to the situation and the youngster's age.
• Let your youngster experience the consequences of his behavior.
• Make sure what you ask for is reasonable.
• Model positive behavior. "Do as I say, not as I do" seldom works.
• Speak to your youngster as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you. Don't resort to name-calling, yelling, or disrespect.
• Trust your youngster to do the right thing within the limits of your youngster's age and stage of development.
• Whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives.
Parenting classes and coaching can be helpful in learning to be an effective parent. If moms and dads have serious concerns about continuing problems with their youngster's behavior, consultation with a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional may be helpful.
Online Parent Support
Starting early is the best way for moms and dads to prepare for their youngster's adolescence. The following are ways that moms and dads can prepare themselves and their youngster for a smoother transition and greater success in achieving the tasks of adolescent development:
• Allowing age appropriate independence and assertiveness
• Creating an atmosphere of honesty, mutual trust, and respect
• Developing a relationship that encourages your youngster to talk to you
• Providing a safe and loving home environment
• Teaching basic responsibility for household chores
• Teaching responsibility for their belongings and yours
• Teaching the importance of accepting limits
• Teaching the importance of thinking before acting
These are complex processes which occur gradually and start during infancy. An adolescent's adolescent years will be less stressful when moms and dads and youngster have worked together on these tasks throughout the youngster's earlier development.
The ability to talk openly about problems is one of the most important aspects of the parent and youngster relationship. Developing this relationship and establishing open communication takes time, persistence and understanding. The relationship develops gradually by spending time with the youngster. Meal times, storytelling, reading, playing games, outings, vacations, and celebrations are important opportunities for moms and dads to spend time with their youngster. Moms and dads should also try to spend some individual time with each youngster, particularly when talking about difficult or upsetting things. This relationship creates the foundation for talking with the youngster when struggles and conflicts emerge during adolescence.
A parent-youngster relationship which is very stressful or troubled during the preadolescent years can be a strong signal that professional help may be needed. Moms and dads= investment of time and energy in the youngster's early years can prevent small problems of youngsterhood from becoming larger problems of adolescence.
Discipline—
Kids do not always do what moms and dads want. When a youngster misbehaves, the parent must decide how to respond. All kids need rules and expectations to help them learn appropriate behavior. How does a parent teach a youngster the rules and, when those rules are broken, what should moms and dads do?
Moms and dads should begin by talking to each other about how they want to handle discipline and establish the rules. It is important to view discipline as teaching not punishment. Learning to follow rules keeps a youngster safe and helps him or her learn the difference between right and wrong.
Once rules have been established, moms and dads should explain to the youngster that broken rules carry consequences. For example, “Here are the rules. When you follow the rules, this will happen, and if you break a rule, this is what will happen.” Moms and dads and the youngster should decide together what the rewards and consequences will be. Moms and dads should always acknowledge and offer positive reinforcement and support when their youngster follows the rules. Moms and dads must also follow through with an appropriate consequence when the youngster breaks a rule. Consistency and predictability are the cornerstones of discipline and praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning.
Kids learn from experience. Having logical consequences for misbehavior helps them learn that they are accountable for their actions, without damaging their self-esteem. For example, if kids are fighting over the television, computer or a video game, turn it off. If a youngster spills milk at the dinner table while fooling around, have the youngster clean it up. Some behaviors have natural consequences. For example, an adolescent who stays up too late may suffer the natural consequences of being tired the next day. Another type of consequence that can be effective is the suspension or delay of a privilege. For example, if a youngster breaks the rule about where they can go on their bike, take away the bike for a few days. When a youngster does not do chores, he or she cannot do something special like spend the night with a friend or rent a movie.
There are different styles and approaches to parenting. Research shows that effective moms and dads raise well-adjusted kids who are more self-reliant, self-controlled, and positively curious than kids raised by moms and dads who are punitive, overly strict (authoritarian), or permissive. Effective moms and dads operate on the belief that both the youngster and the parent have certain rights and that the needs of both are important. Effective moms and dads don't need to use physical force to discipline the youngster, but are more likely to set clear rules and explain why these rules are important. Effective moms and dads reason with their kids and consider the youngsters' points of views even though they may not agree with them.
The following are tips for effective discipline:
• Allow for negotiation and flexibility, which can help build your youngster's social skills.
• Be clear about what you mean. Be firm and specific.
• Consequences should be fair and appropriate to the situation and the youngster's age.
• Let your youngster experience the consequences of his behavior.
• Make sure what you ask for is reasonable.
• Model positive behavior. "Do as I say, not as I do" seldom works.
• Speak to your youngster as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you. Don't resort to name-calling, yelling, or disrespect.
• Trust your youngster to do the right thing within the limits of your youngster's age and stage of development.
• Whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives.
Parenting classes and coaching can be helpful in learning to be an effective parent. If moms and dads have serious concerns about continuing problems with their youngster's behavior, consultation with a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional may be helpful.
Online Parent Support
14.6.10
Setting Rules and Consequences for Your Adolescent
Teenagers are very much into the "fairness" concept; that is, they respect and respond to moms and dads, teachers, and other authority figures who they perceive as being fair. Adolescents are less responsive to moms and dads who they feel do not understand them and treat them in an unfair or unjust way. One of the ways to avoid being perceived as unfair and instead to present yourself to the adolescent as a fair and just person is to establish the rules and the consequences for behavior at the same time.
Most moms and dads have a hundred rules and regulations around the house. For example: "Come home at 11:00 P.M." "Cut the grass." "After you use the bathroom, be sure you leave it the way you found it." "All of your homework must be done before you talk on the phone." Moms and dads are usually good at specifying what they want or at setting rules. They state the expectation beautifully, but, unfortunately, many wait until the rule is broken before deciding what the consequence will be. For example, if a youngster is told to be home by 11:00 and shows up at 11:30, the parent then decides what is going to happen - whether he will be grounded for a week, or is not allowed out the next night, or is restricted from using the phone. This method of announcing the consequence after the rule is broken is viewed as unfair by youngsters and should be avoided.
When we discipline or try to enforce rules and expectations in this fashion, several things happen.
First of all, in this situation, the youngster does not feel responsible for what has happened to him nor does he feel in control of the consequences of his behavior. As a result, he does not develop responsibility nor does he feel that he can influence what happens to him.
Also, if we wait until the adolescent breaks the rule to decide the punishment or consequence, the teen is likely to develop anger toward the parent because he feels that the parent is responsible for the bad thing (the consequence) that has happened to him. Since many adolescents already have some underlying anger, it is not helpful to do anything that will produce more resentment.
Rules and Consequences Have to Be Specific—
How many times has something like this happened to you? The adolescent's room has been a mess for three weeks and it seems as if everything she owns is on the floor. You tell her, "Go to your room and pick up everything off the floor." About fifteen minutes later she comes out and you ask, "Did you do what I said?" Her response is "Yes." You go in the room to check and find that all the junk that was on the floor is now on the bed. You get upset, but what has happened is that she has taken you literally and fulfilled your expectation 100 percent: she has picked everything up off the floor.
Adolescents often do exactly what you tell them and usually have their own definitions of words. You should try to be as specific as possible when stating rules or behavioral expectations. If you say, "I want you to go to your room and clean it," you need to define what you mean by clean. "Put the dirty clothes in the hamper, the books on the shelf, and the trash and paper that are on the floor in the wastebasket. And don't put anything under your bed."
Moms and dads may encounter problems in management if the expectations are stated in too general or cloudy terms - for example: "I want you to improve in school." or "Be nice to your sister." What do "improve" and "be nice" mean? They can mean different things to different people. To the adolescent, improving in school might mean getting all D's instead of F's, and being nice to his sister might mean that he hits her only 10 times a day instead of 25. On the contrary, the parent defines improving in school as earning a C average, and being nice to the sister as not hitting her at all. Therefore, if the expectations are not specific enough, when the parent and adolescent get together to compare notes they come up with a difference of opinion. The youngster feels that he has fulfilled the expectation, but the parent does not. Therefore, a situation has been created where the adolescent thinks he has been unfairly treated.
The same thing happens when moms and dads state the consequences in too general or vague terms. "If you do that again, you're going to get it." "You'll be punished if you don't improve in school." What does "going to get it" or "punished" mean to the adolescent? Probably not very much.
In stating expectations/rules and consequences, you must be very specific and spell out what you mean. Do not assume that the adolescent "knows." Both parent and adolescent have to have the same idea of what is expected and what the consequences will be. If the youngster is not sure, he is apt to be confused, feel resentful, or think he has been treated unfairly.
Rules and Consequences Should Be Stated at the Same Time—
In setting rules, moms and dads should avoid stating only the expectation. It is important to spell out both the rule and the consequence at the same time and before the rule is broken.
You should tell the youngster, "Here is what I want you to do. This (Consequence A) will happen if you do it that way, and this (Consequence B) will happen if you do it the other way." By using this method, you allow the youngster to decide for himself what is going to happen to him.
By stating the rules and the consequences at the same time, you put the responsibility for what happens to the adolescent squarely on his shoulders. In terms of discipline, you become passive and laid-back and do exactly what the youngster tells you to do. This approach should eliminate nagging or power struggles. The adolescent is in control of the consequences of his behavior and determines whether good or bad things happen to him.
Consequences are the most important tool in changing behavior, and the method just described is the most effective way to use them. You may not be able to employ this technique all of the time, but should use it whenever possible.
Online Parent Support
Most moms and dads have a hundred rules and regulations around the house. For example: "Come home at 11:00 P.M." "Cut the grass." "After you use the bathroom, be sure you leave it the way you found it." "All of your homework must be done before you talk on the phone." Moms and dads are usually good at specifying what they want or at setting rules. They state the expectation beautifully, but, unfortunately, many wait until the rule is broken before deciding what the consequence will be. For example, if a youngster is told to be home by 11:00 and shows up at 11:30, the parent then decides what is going to happen - whether he will be grounded for a week, or is not allowed out the next night, or is restricted from using the phone. This method of announcing the consequence after the rule is broken is viewed as unfair by youngsters and should be avoided.
When we discipline or try to enforce rules and expectations in this fashion, several things happen.
First of all, in this situation, the youngster does not feel responsible for what has happened to him nor does he feel in control of the consequences of his behavior. As a result, he does not develop responsibility nor does he feel that he can influence what happens to him.
Also, if we wait until the adolescent breaks the rule to decide the punishment or consequence, the teen is likely to develop anger toward the parent because he feels that the parent is responsible for the bad thing (the consequence) that has happened to him. Since many adolescents already have some underlying anger, it is not helpful to do anything that will produce more resentment.
Rules and Consequences Have to Be Specific—
How many times has something like this happened to you? The adolescent's room has been a mess for three weeks and it seems as if everything she owns is on the floor. You tell her, "Go to your room and pick up everything off the floor." About fifteen minutes later she comes out and you ask, "Did you do what I said?" Her response is "Yes." You go in the room to check and find that all the junk that was on the floor is now on the bed. You get upset, but what has happened is that she has taken you literally and fulfilled your expectation 100 percent: she has picked everything up off the floor.
Adolescents often do exactly what you tell them and usually have their own definitions of words. You should try to be as specific as possible when stating rules or behavioral expectations. If you say, "I want you to go to your room and clean it," you need to define what you mean by clean. "Put the dirty clothes in the hamper, the books on the shelf, and the trash and paper that are on the floor in the wastebasket. And don't put anything under your bed."
Moms and dads may encounter problems in management if the expectations are stated in too general or cloudy terms - for example: "I want you to improve in school." or "Be nice to your sister." What do "improve" and "be nice" mean? They can mean different things to different people. To the adolescent, improving in school might mean getting all D's instead of F's, and being nice to his sister might mean that he hits her only 10 times a day instead of 25. On the contrary, the parent defines improving in school as earning a C average, and being nice to the sister as not hitting her at all. Therefore, if the expectations are not specific enough, when the parent and adolescent get together to compare notes they come up with a difference of opinion. The youngster feels that he has fulfilled the expectation, but the parent does not. Therefore, a situation has been created where the adolescent thinks he has been unfairly treated.
The same thing happens when moms and dads state the consequences in too general or vague terms. "If you do that again, you're going to get it." "You'll be punished if you don't improve in school." What does "going to get it" or "punished" mean to the adolescent? Probably not very much.
In stating expectations/rules and consequences, you must be very specific and spell out what you mean. Do not assume that the adolescent "knows." Both parent and adolescent have to have the same idea of what is expected and what the consequences will be. If the youngster is not sure, he is apt to be confused, feel resentful, or think he has been treated unfairly.
Rules and Consequences Should Be Stated at the Same Time—
In setting rules, moms and dads should avoid stating only the expectation. It is important to spell out both the rule and the consequence at the same time and before the rule is broken.
You should tell the youngster, "Here is what I want you to do. This (Consequence A) will happen if you do it that way, and this (Consequence B) will happen if you do it the other way." By using this method, you allow the youngster to decide for himself what is going to happen to him.
By stating the rules and the consequences at the same time, you put the responsibility for what happens to the adolescent squarely on his shoulders. In terms of discipline, you become passive and laid-back and do exactly what the youngster tells you to do. This approach should eliminate nagging or power struggles. The adolescent is in control of the consequences of his behavior and determines whether good or bad things happen to him.
Consequences are the most important tool in changing behavior, and the method just described is the most effective way to use them. You may not be able to employ this technique all of the time, but should use it whenever possible.
Online Parent Support
11.6.10
Teenage Anger: Techniques to Avoid Conflict
All adolescents occasionally grow angry and rebellious and express these emotions in some fashion. Some methods of acknowledging aggressive feelings produce problems, others don't.
Anger and feelings of disapproval build up and then are released through different methods. We can exemplify this situation by using the image of an "anger" balloon. Each time something happens that we do not like, air is forced into the balloon and it starts to expand. Eventually, air has to be let out of the balloon. How anger is expressed is different for different people. Some people let anger build up until their balloon pops, and when this happens there may be an explosive outburst of anger over a minor annoyance. After this display of anger, there is usually a period of control until the balloon blows up again. Other people release air from the balloon every time it starts to fill. These are the individuals who appropriately express their feelings at the time they occur. Some other individuals release air through passive-aggressive maneuvers, displacement, or physical complaints.
In addition to helping the adolescent appropriately express and deal with his or her angry feelings, moms and dads should try to reduce the accumulation of anger and deal appropriately with aggressive and rebellious behaviors when they occur. The techniques that follow should help:
1. Avoid Excessive Negative Attention—It's a mistake to pay more attention to what the youngster is doing wrong—his failures, mistakes, misbehaviors—than to what he is doing right—his successes, achievements, good behaviors. When you go to bed at night, review the day you have had with your youngster. Have you spent as much time during the day looking at his appropriate behaviors as you have looking at his inappropriate actions? You should avoid using punishment as a primary method of control. Instead, substitute positive consequences, which place the emphasis on good behavior rather than on bad behavior. Eliminate verbal punishment (hollering, putting down the adolescent, name-calling, excessive criticism), and use reward as a disciplinary tactic. Emphasize successes, accomplishments, achievements, and good behaviors. Pay more attention to normal good behavior and be positive. Constant nagging of an adolescent will certainly result in a buildup of anger, resentment, and aggressive behaviors.
2. Avoid Excessive Restrictions—Some kids who are overprotected, excessively restricted, and generally not allowed to be like other youngsters their age may develop resentment and anger. They want to do things that others do, but are prevented from doing so. Sometimes you have to look at your adolescent's peer group in order to decide what is and is not appropriate, and what is too much restriction.
3. Avoid Random Discipline—Moms and dads often discipline after the fact. I call this random discipline. They set a rule and wait for the adolescent to break it before they decide upon a consequence. To adolescents, the concept of fairness is extremely important. If they are disciplined in this fashion, they may frequently feel unjustly treated. In addition, random discipline often makes adolescents feel that others are responsible for what has happened to them and anger is apt to develop. You should spell out the rules and consequences for your youngster's behavior at the same time. The most important part of this process is not the rule, but the consequence. Put the responsibility for what happens to the youngster squarely on his or her shoulders.
4. Do Not Let the Behavior Get Out of Control—Once a youngster is actively involved in an aggressive behavior or shouting match, it is difficult to deal with the behavior. Rather than wait till the behavior occurs to handle it, sometimes it is possible, and better, to try to prevent it from happening or to catch it early and not let it get out of control. In some adolescents, the aggressive behavior develops gradually and may involve several steps. Some initial behaviors appear and then intensify. For example, an adolescent's brother may call him stupid. Some verbal exchanges follow, then a pushing and shoving match begins, and finally a full-blown fight erupts. Rather than wait to react when the fight starts, it would be better to try to catch the behavior early, and intervene before the situation gets out of hand. Target the name-calling or verbal arguing and try to stop that, rather than wait to zero in on the fighting.
A mother tells her sixteen-year-old son to clean his room. When he says no, she counters back with a warning, then a threat. A struggle develops, and after some shouting and screaming on both parts, the boy goes to his room and throws something, breaking the window. Rather than waiting to zero in on the boy's destructive behavior, it would be better for the parent to catch this kind of sequence in the beginning.
5. Don't Get into a Power Struggle—You tell the adolescent to clean his room and he refuses. Then you threaten, "You had better clean it, or you're not going out on Saturday." He replies, "You can't make me clean it and I'm going out on Saturday, anyway." Then you say something, he says something, you both begin to shout, and a full-blown power struggle has developed. This is a good way to generate anger in your youngster. When possible, avoid battles and power struggles, which only lead to a buildup of anger. At times, it may be better to have the youngster experience the consequence of his behavior rather than to win the battle and get him to do what you want. If you try to win each fight, you may battle the youngster throughout adolescence, and will probably end up losing the war.
6. Encourage Appropriate Communication—The most effective way to deal with anger and rebellious behavior is to have adolescents appropriately communicate their feelings of disapproval and resentment. Encourage them to express and explain negative feelings, sources of anger, and their opinions—that is, what angers them, what we do that they do not like, what they disapprove of. If an adolescent expresses emotions appropriately, in a normal tone of voice, she should not be viewed as rude or disrespectful. This is an appropriate expression of anger, and the youngster should not be reprimanded or punished. In other words, allow adolescents to complain, disagree, or disapprove, provided they are not sarcastic, flippant, or nasty. Remember, though, that allowing a youngster to shout, swear, or be fresh does not teach effective communication of emotions. Listen. If the adolescent is complaining about excessive restrictions, punishments, or other things that she does not like, listen. Try to understand her feelings. If the complaints are realistic, see if something can be worked out and resolved, or if a compromise can be achieved.
7. Look for Ways to Compromise—In many situations with adolescents, you should try to treat them the way you would one of your friends or another adult. Rather than get into a battle to see who is going to win, it may be better to create a situation where a compromise is reached.
8. Provide Appropriate Models—Kids learn a great deal from modeling their moms and dads' behavior. The way we handle our conflicts and problems is apt to be imitated by our kids. If I handle my anger by hollering, throwing things, or hitting, there is a good possibility that my kids will handle their conflicts in a similar fashion. The old saying "Don't do as I do; do as I say" is a very ineffective way of dealing with behavior. Therefore, if you see aggressive or rebellious behaviors in your adolescent, look at yourself, your spouse, or an older sibling to see if one of you is modeling these behaviors. If so, the behavior must stop before we can expect to change the adolescent's conduct. If there is a significant amount of arguing in the home, or if moms and dads demonstrate disrespect for one another, it is likely that the adolescent will adopt similar behavior patterns. If you scream at your youngster, he is likely to scream back.
One mother told me, "Every time I hit my daughter, she hits me back. What should I do?" My answer was very simple: "Stop hitting her." Whenever I see a youngster who is showing aggressive-type behaviors, I want to know if this behavior is being modeled in the home. If youngsters are dealt with through physical punishment, we may be teaching them to handle conflicts by physical force or aggressive behavior. It does not have to be the actual use of physical force. It can be threats of force. In other words, "I'm going to get you to do that because I am bigger than you and can control you by intimidation." If we deal with adolescents in that fashion, we are apt to cause a buildup of anger at the same time that we are indirectly teaching them aggressive and inappropriate methods of problem solving.
Moms and dads who use physical punishment with the young youngster, as a primary method of dealing with his or her behavior, forget one important thing: kids grow and usually get as big as or bigger than them. A young youngster disciplined through physical punishment will probably end up as an adolescent who gets into physical battles with his moms and dads. Moms and dads must look at themselves to be sure they are not models of the behavior they are trying to eliminate in the youngster. Serving as an appropriate model is a good way to teach kids how to deal with and express anger.
9. Stabilize the Environment—Adolescents who experience environmental change—especially divorce, separation, or remarriage—may develop underlying anger. The anger and resentment that result from the changes may be expressed in other ways. Try to identify the changes, stabilize the environment, and get him to express his feelings through more appropriate methods. If the adolescent has questions regarding a divorce or remarriage, discuss them with him.
10. Try Not to React to Passive-Aggressive Behavior—Some of the opposition, stubbornness, resistance, and other passive-aggressive maneuvers of adolescents are designed to express anger and/or to get a reaction from the moms and dads. Ignoring this behavior is often an effective way to reduce it. Some ways of dealing with this passive-aggressive behavior will result in the development of more anger, while others will help deflate the anger balloon.
For example, a youngster is told to set the table for dinner. While setting the table, she mumbles under her breath and every now and then you hear comments like, "They think I'm a slave. I want to go live at Grandma's, where I'm appreciated." Along with the mumbling, she is angrily tossing ice in the glasses and banging down the plates and silverware. This adolescent is annoyed because she feels she has better things to do than set the table. Her mumbling and other actions are passive-aggressive maneuvers to express her anger and resentment. These behaviors are releasing anger and letting air out of the anger balloon. If you react to her mumbling by criticizing or scolding, you will be putting more air back into the balloon—that is, the anger that was initially released by the youngster's complaining and defiance will be offset by a buildup of additional aggressive feelings. By using the consequence of ignoring her, this additional buildup of anger can be eliminated.
There are several things that must be kept in mind when using this consequence, and there are a few different ways to ignore the behavior. In general, if you ask an adolescent to do something and he is doing it, although complaining the whole time, ignore his complaints since he is doing what you asked.
11. Who's in Control? When I was a young parent, people would tell me, "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems." At the time, I did not quite understand this bit of advice, but now that I have experienced being the parent of adolescents, I know exactly what it means. Young kids who have been pampered and spoiled—and have learned how to control their moms and dads—are used to having things their own way. Therefore, they tend to be somewhat bossy and self-centered, behaviors that intensify during adolescence.
If a youngster like this is told not to eat any cookies, he may defy the moms and dads, sneak into the kitchen, and eat the cookies. Or if he is told not to jump on the couch, he does not listen and continues jumping. When adolescence arrives, the same youngster is told to be home by midnight and instead comes home at 4:00 A.M. Told not to drink and drive, he drinks and drives anyway. The little problems of the small youngster become much bigger during adolescence, and frequently result in more serious consequences. I often see families where adolescents are out of control, will not take no for an answer, and will not accept parental authority.
Many times when these teens do not get their way, aggressive, rebellious, and oppositional behavior results. Some of these adolescents have been in control of the family since they were young. The youngster determined the routines and activities in the home more than the moms and dads. A seven-year-old was having trouble in school because she was not doing the required work in class, but instead was daydreaming and doing whatever she pleased. In talking with the moms and dads, I discovered that they were having the same type of difficulty at home. The youngster would not cooperate, especially with routine tasks.
They also mentioned that she was constantly complaining to them about the fact that her three- and four-year-old brothers did not have to go to school. Why did she have to? She did not think it was fair that her brothers could stay home, play, and watch television. Every morning before school, an argument about this usually took place. She frequently requested to stay home, and generally this issue produced a great deal of conflict in the home. In order to solve the situation, the moms and dads put the two brothers in nursery school, demonstrating that the daughter was more in control than the moms and dads. Rather than allow a youngster to call the shots and try to manipulate the environment to accommodate the youngster or to avoid problems, it might be better to have the youngster learn that there are certain things that must be done whether or not she wants to do them.
As I mentioned earlier, we can control young kids, but with the adolescent we must exert authority. I am not talking about an authority by force or by dictatorship. I am talking about an authority that involves setting rules and being consistent in administering consequences.
If moms and dads can exert this type of authority, the probability that positive behaviors and attitudes can be developed will increase. The youngster who has been in control his entire life finds it difficult to relinquish this power during adolescence. However, because of the severity of the consequences that can occur in adolescence, moms and dads are usually trying to exert more control at this time. As a result, battles, conflicts, anger, and resentment occur when the adolescent does not have his own way.
Online Parent Support
Anger and feelings of disapproval build up and then are released through different methods. We can exemplify this situation by using the image of an "anger" balloon. Each time something happens that we do not like, air is forced into the balloon and it starts to expand. Eventually, air has to be let out of the balloon. How anger is expressed is different for different people. Some people let anger build up until their balloon pops, and when this happens there may be an explosive outburst of anger over a minor annoyance. After this display of anger, there is usually a period of control until the balloon blows up again. Other people release air from the balloon every time it starts to fill. These are the individuals who appropriately express their feelings at the time they occur. Some other individuals release air through passive-aggressive maneuvers, displacement, or physical complaints.
In addition to helping the adolescent appropriately express and deal with his or her angry feelings, moms and dads should try to reduce the accumulation of anger and deal appropriately with aggressive and rebellious behaviors when they occur. The techniques that follow should help:
1. Avoid Excessive Negative Attention—It's a mistake to pay more attention to what the youngster is doing wrong—his failures, mistakes, misbehaviors—than to what he is doing right—his successes, achievements, good behaviors. When you go to bed at night, review the day you have had with your youngster. Have you spent as much time during the day looking at his appropriate behaviors as you have looking at his inappropriate actions? You should avoid using punishment as a primary method of control. Instead, substitute positive consequences, which place the emphasis on good behavior rather than on bad behavior. Eliminate verbal punishment (hollering, putting down the adolescent, name-calling, excessive criticism), and use reward as a disciplinary tactic. Emphasize successes, accomplishments, achievements, and good behaviors. Pay more attention to normal good behavior and be positive. Constant nagging of an adolescent will certainly result in a buildup of anger, resentment, and aggressive behaviors.
2. Avoid Excessive Restrictions—Some kids who are overprotected, excessively restricted, and generally not allowed to be like other youngsters their age may develop resentment and anger. They want to do things that others do, but are prevented from doing so. Sometimes you have to look at your adolescent's peer group in order to decide what is and is not appropriate, and what is too much restriction.
3. Avoid Random Discipline—Moms and dads often discipline after the fact. I call this random discipline. They set a rule and wait for the adolescent to break it before they decide upon a consequence. To adolescents, the concept of fairness is extremely important. If they are disciplined in this fashion, they may frequently feel unjustly treated. In addition, random discipline often makes adolescents feel that others are responsible for what has happened to them and anger is apt to develop. You should spell out the rules and consequences for your youngster's behavior at the same time. The most important part of this process is not the rule, but the consequence. Put the responsibility for what happens to the youngster squarely on his or her shoulders.
4. Do Not Let the Behavior Get Out of Control—Once a youngster is actively involved in an aggressive behavior or shouting match, it is difficult to deal with the behavior. Rather than wait till the behavior occurs to handle it, sometimes it is possible, and better, to try to prevent it from happening or to catch it early and not let it get out of control. In some adolescents, the aggressive behavior develops gradually and may involve several steps. Some initial behaviors appear and then intensify. For example, an adolescent's brother may call him stupid. Some verbal exchanges follow, then a pushing and shoving match begins, and finally a full-blown fight erupts. Rather than wait to react when the fight starts, it would be better to try to catch the behavior early, and intervene before the situation gets out of hand. Target the name-calling or verbal arguing and try to stop that, rather than wait to zero in on the fighting.
A mother tells her sixteen-year-old son to clean his room. When he says no, she counters back with a warning, then a threat. A struggle develops, and after some shouting and screaming on both parts, the boy goes to his room and throws something, breaking the window. Rather than waiting to zero in on the boy's destructive behavior, it would be better for the parent to catch this kind of sequence in the beginning.
5. Don't Get into a Power Struggle—You tell the adolescent to clean his room and he refuses. Then you threaten, "You had better clean it, or you're not going out on Saturday." He replies, "You can't make me clean it and I'm going out on Saturday, anyway." Then you say something, he says something, you both begin to shout, and a full-blown power struggle has developed. This is a good way to generate anger in your youngster. When possible, avoid battles and power struggles, which only lead to a buildup of anger. At times, it may be better to have the youngster experience the consequence of his behavior rather than to win the battle and get him to do what you want. If you try to win each fight, you may battle the youngster throughout adolescence, and will probably end up losing the war.
6. Encourage Appropriate Communication—The most effective way to deal with anger and rebellious behavior is to have adolescents appropriately communicate their feelings of disapproval and resentment. Encourage them to express and explain negative feelings, sources of anger, and their opinions—that is, what angers them, what we do that they do not like, what they disapprove of. If an adolescent expresses emotions appropriately, in a normal tone of voice, she should not be viewed as rude or disrespectful. This is an appropriate expression of anger, and the youngster should not be reprimanded or punished. In other words, allow adolescents to complain, disagree, or disapprove, provided they are not sarcastic, flippant, or nasty. Remember, though, that allowing a youngster to shout, swear, or be fresh does not teach effective communication of emotions. Listen. If the adolescent is complaining about excessive restrictions, punishments, or other things that she does not like, listen. Try to understand her feelings. If the complaints are realistic, see if something can be worked out and resolved, or if a compromise can be achieved.
7. Look for Ways to Compromise—In many situations with adolescents, you should try to treat them the way you would one of your friends or another adult. Rather than get into a battle to see who is going to win, it may be better to create a situation where a compromise is reached.
8. Provide Appropriate Models—Kids learn a great deal from modeling their moms and dads' behavior. The way we handle our conflicts and problems is apt to be imitated by our kids. If I handle my anger by hollering, throwing things, or hitting, there is a good possibility that my kids will handle their conflicts in a similar fashion. The old saying "Don't do as I do; do as I say" is a very ineffective way of dealing with behavior. Therefore, if you see aggressive or rebellious behaviors in your adolescent, look at yourself, your spouse, or an older sibling to see if one of you is modeling these behaviors. If so, the behavior must stop before we can expect to change the adolescent's conduct. If there is a significant amount of arguing in the home, or if moms and dads demonstrate disrespect for one another, it is likely that the adolescent will adopt similar behavior patterns. If you scream at your youngster, he is likely to scream back.
One mother told me, "Every time I hit my daughter, she hits me back. What should I do?" My answer was very simple: "Stop hitting her." Whenever I see a youngster who is showing aggressive-type behaviors, I want to know if this behavior is being modeled in the home. If youngsters are dealt with through physical punishment, we may be teaching them to handle conflicts by physical force or aggressive behavior. It does not have to be the actual use of physical force. It can be threats of force. In other words, "I'm going to get you to do that because I am bigger than you and can control you by intimidation." If we deal with adolescents in that fashion, we are apt to cause a buildup of anger at the same time that we are indirectly teaching them aggressive and inappropriate methods of problem solving.
Moms and dads who use physical punishment with the young youngster, as a primary method of dealing with his or her behavior, forget one important thing: kids grow and usually get as big as or bigger than them. A young youngster disciplined through physical punishment will probably end up as an adolescent who gets into physical battles with his moms and dads. Moms and dads must look at themselves to be sure they are not models of the behavior they are trying to eliminate in the youngster. Serving as an appropriate model is a good way to teach kids how to deal with and express anger.
9. Stabilize the Environment—Adolescents who experience environmental change—especially divorce, separation, or remarriage—may develop underlying anger. The anger and resentment that result from the changes may be expressed in other ways. Try to identify the changes, stabilize the environment, and get him to express his feelings through more appropriate methods. If the adolescent has questions regarding a divorce or remarriage, discuss them with him.
10. Try Not to React to Passive-Aggressive Behavior—Some of the opposition, stubbornness, resistance, and other passive-aggressive maneuvers of adolescents are designed to express anger and/or to get a reaction from the moms and dads. Ignoring this behavior is often an effective way to reduce it. Some ways of dealing with this passive-aggressive behavior will result in the development of more anger, while others will help deflate the anger balloon.
For example, a youngster is told to set the table for dinner. While setting the table, she mumbles under her breath and every now and then you hear comments like, "They think I'm a slave. I want to go live at Grandma's, where I'm appreciated." Along with the mumbling, she is angrily tossing ice in the glasses and banging down the plates and silverware. This adolescent is annoyed because she feels she has better things to do than set the table. Her mumbling and other actions are passive-aggressive maneuvers to express her anger and resentment. These behaviors are releasing anger and letting air out of the anger balloon. If you react to her mumbling by criticizing or scolding, you will be putting more air back into the balloon—that is, the anger that was initially released by the youngster's complaining and defiance will be offset by a buildup of additional aggressive feelings. By using the consequence of ignoring her, this additional buildup of anger can be eliminated.
There are several things that must be kept in mind when using this consequence, and there are a few different ways to ignore the behavior. In general, if you ask an adolescent to do something and he is doing it, although complaining the whole time, ignore his complaints since he is doing what you asked.
11. Who's in Control? When I was a young parent, people would tell me, "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems." At the time, I did not quite understand this bit of advice, but now that I have experienced being the parent of adolescents, I know exactly what it means. Young kids who have been pampered and spoiled—and have learned how to control their moms and dads—are used to having things their own way. Therefore, they tend to be somewhat bossy and self-centered, behaviors that intensify during adolescence.
If a youngster like this is told not to eat any cookies, he may defy the moms and dads, sneak into the kitchen, and eat the cookies. Or if he is told not to jump on the couch, he does not listen and continues jumping. When adolescence arrives, the same youngster is told to be home by midnight and instead comes home at 4:00 A.M. Told not to drink and drive, he drinks and drives anyway. The little problems of the small youngster become much bigger during adolescence, and frequently result in more serious consequences. I often see families where adolescents are out of control, will not take no for an answer, and will not accept parental authority.
Many times when these teens do not get their way, aggressive, rebellious, and oppositional behavior results. Some of these adolescents have been in control of the family since they were young. The youngster determined the routines and activities in the home more than the moms and dads. A seven-year-old was having trouble in school because she was not doing the required work in class, but instead was daydreaming and doing whatever she pleased. In talking with the moms and dads, I discovered that they were having the same type of difficulty at home. The youngster would not cooperate, especially with routine tasks.
They also mentioned that she was constantly complaining to them about the fact that her three- and four-year-old brothers did not have to go to school. Why did she have to? She did not think it was fair that her brothers could stay home, play, and watch television. Every morning before school, an argument about this usually took place. She frequently requested to stay home, and generally this issue produced a great deal of conflict in the home. In order to solve the situation, the moms and dads put the two brothers in nursery school, demonstrating that the daughter was more in control than the moms and dads. Rather than allow a youngster to call the shots and try to manipulate the environment to accommodate the youngster or to avoid problems, it might be better to have the youngster learn that there are certain things that must be done whether or not she wants to do them.
As I mentioned earlier, we can control young kids, but with the adolescent we must exert authority. I am not talking about an authority by force or by dictatorship. I am talking about an authority that involves setting rules and being consistent in administering consequences.
If moms and dads can exert this type of authority, the probability that positive behaviors and attitudes can be developed will increase. The youngster who has been in control his entire life finds it difficult to relinquish this power during adolescence. However, because of the severity of the consequences that can occur in adolescence, moms and dads are usually trying to exert more control at this time. As a result, battles, conflicts, anger, and resentment occur when the adolescent does not have his own way.
Online Parent Support
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)