Talking To Your Kids About Sex

Answering kids' questions about sex is one of the responsibilities many parents dread most. Otherwise confident parents often feel tongue-tied and awkward when it comes to sex. But the subject shouldn't be avoided. By answering children's questions as they arise, parents can help foster healthy feelings about sex.

Talking to your children about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of parenting. Parents can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to talk to their children about these issues. However, many parents avoid or postpone the discussion. Each year about one million teenage girls become pregnant in the United States and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease.

Learning about sex should not occur in one all-or-nothing session. It should be more of an unfolding process, one in which the child learns, over time, what she needs to know. Questions should be answered as they arise so that the child's natural curiosity is satisfied as she matures.

If your child doesn't ask questions about sex, don't just ignore the subject. At about age 5, you can begin to introduce books that approach sexuality on a developmentally appropriate level. Parents often have trouble finding the right words, but there are a number of excellent books to help.

Children and adolescents need input and guidance from parents to help them make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior since they can be confused and over stimulated by what they see and hear. Information about sex obtained by children from the Internet can often be inaccurate and/or inappropriate.

Talking about sex may be uncomfortable for both parents and children. Parents should respond to the needs and curiosity level of their individual child, offering no more or less information than their child is asking for and is able to understand. Getting advice from a clergyman, pediatrician, family physician, or other health professional may be helpful. Books that use illustrations or diagrams may aid communication and understanding.

Parents should begin the sex education process long before it begins in school. The introduction of formal sex education in the classroom varies; many schools start it in the fifth or sixth grade. Some of the topics addressed in a sex education class may include anatomy, contraception, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. Parents should be open to continuing the dialogue and answering questions at home. Schools tend to teach mechanics and science more than values. This is an area where parents can and should have something to teach.

Children have different levels of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age and level of maturity. As children grow older, they will often ask for more details about sex. Many children have their own words for body parts. It is important to find out words they know and are comfortable with to make talking with them easier.

A 5-year-old may be happy with the simple answer that babies come from a seed that grows in a special place inside the mother. Dad helps when his seed combines with mom's seed, which causes the baby to start to grow. An 8-year-old may want to know how dad's seed gets to mom's seed. Parents may want to talk about dad's seed (or sperm) coming from his penis and combining with mom's seed (or egg) in her uterus. Then the baby grows in the safety of mom's uterus for nine months until it is strong enough to be born. An 11-year-old may want to know even more and parents can help by talking about how a man and woman fall in love and then may decide to have sex.

It is important to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings about sex are important issues to be discussed.

Talking to your children can help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping children understand that these are decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that they make good choices.

Adolescents are able to talk about lovemaking and sex in terms of dating and relationships. They may need help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding their sexual identity, and sexual behavior in a relationship. Concerns regarding masturbation, menstruation, contraception, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are common.

Some adolescents also struggle with conflicts around family, religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin.

In talking with your child or adolescent, it is helpful to:

· Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
· Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
· Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
· Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.
· Keep your sense of humor and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
· Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
· Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one's partner.
· Try to determine your child's level of knowledge and understanding.
· Use words that are understandable and comfortable.

By developing open, honest and ongoing communication about responsibility, sex, and choice, parents can help their youngsters learn about sex in a healthy and positive manner.

Consider using the following list of topics as an outline:

· Explanation of anatomy and reproduction in males and females
· Fertility and birth control
· How choice of clothing and the way you present yourself sends messages to others about your interest in sexual behavior
· Other forms of sexual behavior, including oral sex, masturbation, and petting
· Rape and date rape, including how being intoxicated (drunk or high), or accepting rides/going to private places with strangers or acquaintances puts you at risk
· Self-image and peer pressure
· Sexual intercourse and pregnancy
· Sexual orientation, including heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality
· Sexually transmitted diseases
· The physical and emotional aspects of sex, including the differences between males and females

Studies show that kids who feel they can talk with their parents about sex -- because their moms and dads speak openly and listen carefully to them -- are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject. So explore your feelings about sex. If you are very uncomfortable with the subject, read some books and discuss your feelings with a trusted friend, relative, physician, or clergy member. The more you examine the subject, the more confidence you'll feel discussing it.

Don't worry about knowing all the answers to your children's questions; what you know is a lot less important than how you respond. If you can convey the message that no subject, including sex, is forbidden in your home, you'll be doing just fine.