How to Avoid the Stepfamily Holiday Blues

Even though the tales of woe are many, blended families can have joyous holidays.

One of the most difficult times for stepfamilies can be the holiday season. This time brings expectations of family togetherness that usually cannot be met.

Children often are reminded of the loss they experienced when their biological family separated. They also may experience the many feelings they had about the creation of the stepfamily. Parents also are reminded of the loss of the biological family unit and must deal with sharing the children during holiday celebrations. In other words, lots of difficult feelings could derail the expected gaiety of the season.

Here are some ways stepfamilies can produce more holiday cheer and less melancholy for the entire family. The following suggestions can be applied throughout the year and come from others who’ve discovered ways to avoid the stepfamily holiday blues:

1. Prepare for the absence of your children on those days you will most wish they could be with you. If they will be with their other parent on Christmas Day, birthday or other holiday, consider an activity for yourself and/or your household. If they will be away for an extended period of time, consider doing a couple of things on the list that follows:

• Collections — Find an interest that is unique to your child and build a collection (stamps, snowglobes, favorite animated characters). Sending little gifts that will enhance your child’s collection can create a connection for parent and child.

• Favorite TV shows — A television program that you and your child could watch together, even when you are miles apart, can provide a sense of connectedness and shared time across the miles.

• Phone cards, toll-free numbers, e-mail, faxes — Make it easy for your children to contact you. They will be more likely to pick up the phone to simply say hello. Show younger children how to use the various devices.

• Photo/video album — Send pictures or a videotape of times when your children were visiting you.

• Postcards — Little notes that simply say you are thinking of each child is one way to remind your children that you are a part of their lives, even when they are not with you. Sending your child a set of cards and envelopes that have been preaddressed and stamped also gives your child a way to respond.

• Your voice on tape — Provide a tape player your child can operate, then send stories you have read (perhaps along with the book) so that your child can listen to your voice reading the stories. For older children, articles, summaries or playbooks might be of interest.

2. Be sensitive to your children’s need to be with both of their biological parents. Also, as children age, they may want to spend some of their holiday time with friends. Providing permission to move freely between homes and enjoy all celebrations is a true gift to your children.

3. Adjust your expectations! Remember a stepfamily is different from a biological family. Your celebrations may not look like a Norman Rockwell painting. They may not even resemble those of the Brady Bunch. Create new traditions that are unique to the stepfamily and set aside a time when you know all will be able to participate — even if it’s before or after a particular holiday’s date.

The holiday season is almost here, and while for many people this time of year is joyous and hopeful, a recent poll found that 41 percent of respondents rated the holiday season as just as stressful as interviewing for a new job. For others, the holidays can trigger severe anxiety or even depression.

Many factors can contribute to the holiday blues. To begin with, there’s the time crunch. Just because there are more parties to attend and shopping trips to make doesn’t mean any of us work fewer hours or get a break from household obligations—we just try to cram more activities into the day. Then there are the financial burdens. The rewards of being generous to close friends and family may outweigh the price tag—but what about extended family, old friends from school, and coworkers? Where do you draw the line? And finally, the holidays can be truly painful when they recall the loss of those who are no longer celebrating with us because of death, distance or divorce.

The bottom line is that often many of us have unrealistic expectations of the season. We think that we should have time to do everything, buy gifts for everyone, and be happy and joyful, even if that’s not how we really feel.

The good news? It usually is possible to ward off the holiday blues by recognizing the demands we place on ourselves. This year, make the decision to enjoy the holiday season by approaching it differently. Here are some tips:

· Talk with your family and loved ones, and make a holiday plan based on what everyone agrees is important. Don’t assume you know what everyone wants out of the holidays.

· Plan your time realistically, and don’t feel badly about declining invitations to events that give you more migraine than merriment.

· Give yourself time alone to refresh and recharge.

· Don’t over-schedule yourself or your family. If you try to attend every event, you may not enjoy any of them.

· Develop a budget. Stick with it.

· Avoid drinking and eating excessively.

Enlist the help of friends or family when you feel overwhelmed. If you have children, give them small jobs—their willingness to help may surprise you, and they’ll be proud of their accomplishments.

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Dr. Jantz speaking on the Holiday Blues, depression, seasonal affective disorder (SAD):



Try This Exercise-

1. Picture what your ideal holiday season would be like and write in detail what you would like to see happen - including pleasant things from past (your childhood and your adult past), what you would like to do or see, who the important people are to see and spend time with. Go wild. Express your deepest longing and wishes. Keep adding to the list over a week or two.

2. Now, underline the most important items and set priorities.

3. Enjoy.