How to talk to your teenager—

But first, be a better listener…

Have you ever talked on the telephone while watching TV, folding clothes, or surfing the Internet? Have you ever felt that the person you were talking to was nodding and saying "uh-huh" in appropriate places but not really listening to you? The message conveyed in these examples is that the listener has higher priorities than giving full attention to the speaker. That message can make the speaker feel unimportant, frustrated, and hurt.

Good listening is one of the most important skills we as moms and dads can develop. We want to strengthen our relationships with our teenagers, and one of the best ways to do this is through our active, caring listening. Our undivided attention to what our teenagers are saying tells them that they are important to us. It shows that we value them as individuals; we care about them and every part of their lives. Also, we can teach them to be good listeners by modeling good listening skills.

What To Know

Be prepared to drop what you are doing when your kid wants to talk, even when it is not the most convenient time for you. A kid or teen may finally get up the courage to discuss a tough problem, and you don't want to miss the opportunity to connect with him through active listening.

What To Do

Ask open-ended questions. Avoid asking questions that can be answered with a yes or no.

Be interested and attentive. Look into your kid's eyes while she is speaking. Forget about the telephone, the television, and whatever else you were doing—just listen!

Don't interrupt. Sometimes, as moms and dads, we want to jump into the conversation with an opinion or a solution before letting our kid finish talking. By being an active listener, we can help him work through an issue on his own instead of solving the problem for him.

Don't talk down to your kid no matter what his age. You probably know more than he does from experience alone, but don't use this knowledge to discount his opinions. Don't say, for example, "You're only 14. What do you know about…?"

Follow-up. Try to remember and ask about issues or events your kid talked about a day or two earlier. This shows her that you were listening and are concerned about the outcomes.

Give your kid active feedback while she is speaking—nodding, giving verbal responses such as "I see," etc. When she has finished speaking, ask clarifying questions or restate what she's said. If she is telling you something she is enthusiastic about, for example, try to respond with similar enthusiasm.

Name the feeling You can help your kid clarify his feelings through your active feedback by restating his thoughts or asking questions. This can help him deal with a problem or tackle a difficult task. He can clarify, for example, that he's avoiding his homework because he's afraid he can't do the math. Facing this fear will help him overcome it.

Watch for nonverbal messages. Posture, eye contact, and energy level—these can all be clues to your kid's true feelings. She may tell you school is going okay but her nonverbal messages may tell a different story.

Communication Barriers and How To Overcome Them

Talking to your preteen or teenager sometimes can be a bit difficult. Maybe you start to chat with your kid and you get a "look" that immediately stops conversation. Or, maybe your kid wants to talk to you, but you're focusing on paying the bills and are not giving him your full attention.

Studies show, however, that talking to your teenagers does have an impact, so it's important to make the effort to really communicate. Here are some common communication barriers and how to overcome them. Remember, not all of these will work in all situations, and sometimes you'll need to keep trying. Put in the effort—the reward will be a better relationship and improved communication with your kid.

1. Blaming or preaching: Instead of saying things that make your kid feel bad ("You're so stupid for doing that," or "I said so, that's why"), try using constructive "I" messages like "So, what I hear you saying is…" Offer advice and suggestions: "Let's consider what your options are and figure out the best solution…"

2. Criticizing: Let your kid know that you respect her feelings and that what she has to say and how she feels are important. Even if you think a problem is minor, for example, if your kid is upset because his friend wouldn't sit next to him, it's a big deal to him. It's hard to open up sometimes and if you make your kid feel uncomfortable, chances are he will simply avoid having honest conversations with you.

3. Interrupting: Let your kid talk without interrupting her—you will have your turn to speak. This lets your kid know that you are interested in what she is saying.

4. Not creating a comfortable environment in which your kid can talk: Select a good time to talk to your kid—right after school or basketball practice might not be the best time to start a dialog. Let your kid have a snack or take a few minutes to rest, and then start the conversation.

5. Not paying full attention to your kid: Turn off the TV or radio. Make eye contact with your kid—sit next to him if you need to.

Remember to praise your kid when she demonstrates good listening skills. It's just as important to develop these skills in your kid as it is in you!

Empathic Communication

Effective communication—the sharing of ideas, opinions, and information—helps you to build bonds with your kid. Doing this right with your kid will encourage positive behaviors in him, help to build trust, and create a more peaceful atmosphere in the home. Not getting this right, however, could cause frustration in your kid and stress in the family.

What To Know…

Does what you say to your kid encourage her to behave in ways that please you? If you don’t like your answer to this question, check your day-to-day dealings with your kid.

You may not be getting the response you expect from your kid if:

• You act like a bully toward your kid.
• You allow your kid to break rules without consequences.
• You always answer her question “why do I have to?” with “because I said so.”
• You ask your kid to do more than he is able to for his age.
• You complain about what your kid is doing wrong, but never praise her when she does something well.
• You give too little instructions.
• You give too many instructions at a time.
• You let your kid call the shots every time and never take charge.
• You never admit to being wrong.
• You never take the time to explain “why.”
• You use silence to show your disapproval.
• Your kid sees you doing the actions that you tell her not to do.

What To Do…

Sending mixed or unclear messages when you talk with your kid could hurt your kid’s self-esteem and open the door to problem behavior. There are ways to talk with your kid more effectively and build a stronger bond with him—

• “Because I say so” is not the best answer—explain the reasons why.
• Be careful about asking too much—because of age or ability a kid may not be able to do some tasks well. Especially for new tasks, give detailed instructions for the chores you want the kid to do.
• Be specific—don’t leave things open to interpretation.
• Do not ask something of your kid you are not willing to do yourself—don’t yell at your kid for lying and then ask her to lie to someone for you.
• Do things together—use these opportunities to talk with and learn about your kid.
• Expect set-backs—but deal with them as soon as they happen. Talk about things that you don’t like about your kid’s actions. Find a solution together, even when discipline is involved.
• Give a little—your kid is still learning, and your responsibility is to teach with understanding.
• It’s ok to negotiate sometimes—it teaches your kid the benefits of “give and take” which he may find useful later in life.
• Reward your kid for doing well—praise for a job well done will make your kid feel good about herself and eager to please you in other things.
• Some decisions need time—your kid will see that you care about what he cares about by giving serious thought to issues that are important to him, before just saying “no.”
• Talk with your kid and not to or through him—this means listening as well as responding.
• Treat your kid with respect—don’t yell at your kid and call her names. She will only learn from your example. Speak to your kid in the same manner you would like her to speak to you.
• You’re the grown-up—have the final say about important decisions, but explain to your kid the reasons why you have made the decision.

Having adults in the “take charge” role makes teenagers feel secure and adds to their mental well-being. However, teenagers who think they are not being treated fairly by adults could become angry and mistrustful of authority. Such teenagers are more likely to be influenced by peers to be involved in unhealthy behaviors, like alcohol, drug, and tobacco use. Good adult/kid communication can go a long way in deterring unsafe behaviors and influencing the choices teenagers make for a lifetime.

I Statements

Healthy communication is critical to relationships, but is especially important between moms and dads and teenagers. Is your kid listening? Does she understand you? Is your message really getting through? Showing your kid how to communicate is part of parenting, but it becomes especially difficult in times of conflict.

One way to communicate with your kid is by using feeling language or "I" statements—a way of expressing how you feel about a situation without placing blame or drawing a defensive or argumentative response from your kid.¹ Saying "you did this wrong" or "you did that bad thing" often makes people feel angry and hostile. "I" statements can help you communicate your feelings to your kid in a way that makes him likely to respond with respect. "I" statements also provide teenagers with clear, direct messages and help them understand that their actions have effects on other people. Here are a few examples:

• When you scream loudly, I feel upset because it hurts my ears.
• When you try to talk to me when I am on the phone, I feel annoyed because then I have to try to listen to more than one person.

"I" statements also can be used to express positive feelings:

• When you do your homework, I feel proud because I think that school is important.

To begin using "I" statements, follow a basic format of three parts:

1. When… (provide nonjudgmental description of behavior)
2. I feel… (name your feeling)
3. Because… (give the effect the behavior has on you or others).

Using "I" statements may feel awkward at first, but with a little practice, it will become a regular part of your communication style.

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