Kids & Divorce—

One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include kids. Moms & dads who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their kids. During this difficult period, moms & dads may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their kid's lives.

While moms & dads may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, kids are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some moms & dads feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the youngster for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by kids unless moms & dads tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved, and what will happen to them.

Kids often believe they have caused the conflict between their moms & dads. Many kids assume the responsibility for bringing their moms & dads back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and kids can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.

Talking to kids about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the youngster and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

· Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
· Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the youngster.
· Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
· Keep things simple and straight-forward.
· Reassure your youngster that you both still love them and will always be their moms & dads.
· Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
· Tell your youngster together with your spouse.

Moms & dads should be alert to signs of distress in their kids. Young kids may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing.

Older kids may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, kids of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.

Kids will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a youngster to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that kids do best when moms & dads can cooperate on behalf of the youngster.

Moms & dads' ongoing commitment to the youngster's well-being is vital. If a youngster shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the moms & dads to a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the youngster and adolescent psychiatrist can meet with the parents to help them learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the kids of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful.

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