Many people do not have the 'model' family these days, with parents for instance who have split up and in with new partners.
However children will want to see their parents, all things being equal, on special times like birthdays and Christmas.
So what should you do given this? Well, you should ensure that you plan as early as possible. Even if things are difficult with former partners try to be courteous and polite for the sake of the children.
There is nothing worse than trying to arrange these things at the last minute when both sides are committed to other things to do with other family members and friends for instance.
Therefore aim to have the plans for Christmas day in place by the end of November for a pain and hassle free Christmas day that you can relax and enjoy!
Hoping for a quick fix to solve all your family Christmas disasters?
Well, sadly there are no quick fixes, particularly if you're looking to change other people's behaviors. The first and foremost rule of the counseling game is that it is very difficult to change other people, if at all. But you can change yourself. And therein lays your power.
Let's look at a scenario that might commonly occur around the Christmas dinner table. Michael's father is a dentist. Among his many skills, he is an expert at holding onto grudges, and his biggest beef with Michael is that, although Michael got into dentistry school and completed one year, he decided he wanted to be a salesman instead. Michael's father has never really accepted that his son has different life goals to him. He constantly berates him, belittles him, and tells him how much money he could have earned in the last financial year if he had followed in his footsteps and become a dentist. Michael has tried to explain his feelings about dentistry and his love for sales work, but his father will have none of it. The sad thing is that Michael made this decision over 20 years ago, but the issue still rankles, and never more so than on Christmas Day when Michael returns with his family to his parents' home. And for most of those 20 visits, by the time dessert is congealing on the plates, a violent verbal argument is in full swing, which ends with Michael's father leaving the table and Michael leaving the house. Now that Michael has children he doesn't want them to have to go through this on Christmas Day, but each year, the same thing happens. He is seriously thinking of not returning next Christmas but feels guilty about his mother and his children missing out.
So, what can Michael do to improve the situation? Well, it's pretty clear that Dad isn't going to change. But Michael can. There are a number of options for Michael.
1. He can mentally decide he will not be drawn into his father's negative comments. It can be helpful for Michael to recognize that his father has a problem of non-acceptance. Michael also needs to see that he himself has a problem in that he "bites" when his father dangles the bait. By separating out the dynamics of the situation, Michael may be able to step back a little and see what is really going on and how he himself adds fuel to the fire. If he refused to provide ammunition, which is what his father needs, the argument will die. It may be unresolved, but it will die from lack of fuel.
2. He can advise his father beforehand that he would enjoy a family Christmas get-together, but he does not wish to discuss the subject of work, either his own or his father's. He can repeat this wish as often as necessary during the course of the day if his father attempts to berate him again.
3. He can advise his father that if he persists in disregarding his wishes, he will leave. Michael must be prepared to do this if necessary.
This same technique of teasing out the problems of each participant in a dilemma (including the role you play!) can be applied to many different scenarios, whether it is a problem drinker, a parent who belittles a son- or daughter-in-law, sibling rivalry, or rivalry between divorced parents of children.
Online Parent Support
0 comments:
Post a Comment