Helping Children Learn Self-Control

When children melt down in the middle of a crowded store, at a holiday dinner with extended family, or at home, it can be extremely frustrating. But moms & dads can help children learn self-control and teach them how to respond to situations without just acting on impulse.

Teaching self-control skills is one of the most important things that moms & dads can do for their children because these are some of the most important skills for success later in life.

Helping Children Learn Self-Control—

By learning self-control, children can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes.

For example, if you say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently.

Here are a few suggestions on how to help children learn to control their behavior:

· Up to age 2: Infants and toddlers get frustrated by the large gap between the things they want to do and what they're able to do. They often respond with temper tantrums. Try to prevent outbursts by distracting your little one with toys or other activities. For children reaching the 2-year-old mark, try a brief timeout in a designated area — like a kitchen chair or bottom stair — to show the consequences for outbursts and teach that it's better to take some time alone instead of throwing a tantrum.

· Ages 3 to 5: You can continue to use timeouts, but rather than enforcing a specific time limit, end timeouts once your child has calmed down. This helps children improve their sense of self-control. And praise your child for not losing control in frustrating or difficult situations.

· Ages 6 to 9: As children enter school, they're better able to understand the idea of consequences and that they can choose good or bad behavior. It may help your child to imagine a stop sign that must be obeyed and think about a situation before responding. Encourage your child to walk away from a frustrating situation for a few minutes to cool off instead of having an outburst.

· Ages 10 to 12: Older children usually better understand their feelings. Encourage them to think about what's causing them to lose control and then analyze it. Explain that sometimes the situations that are upsetting at first don't end up being so awful. Urge children to take time to think before responding to a situation.

· Ages 13 to 17: By now children should be able to control most of their actions. But remind teens to think about long-term consequences. Urge them to pause to evaluate upsetting situations before responding and talk through problems rather than losing control, slamming doors, or yelling. If necessary, discipline your teen by taking away certain privileges to reinforce the message that self-control is an important skill.

When Children Are Out of Control—

As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when you're disciplining your children. Instead, be firm and matter of fact. During a child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are unacceptable behaviors that have consequences — and say what those consequences are.

Your actions will show that tantrums won't get children the upper hand. For example, if your child gets upset in the grocery store after you've explained why you won't buy candy, don't give in — thus demonstrating that the tantrum was both unacceptable and ineffective.

Also, consider speaking to your child's teachers about classroom settings and appropriate behavioral expectations. Ask if problem solving is taught or demonstrated in school.

And model good self-control yourself. If you're in an irritating situation and your children are present, tell them why you're frustrated and then discuss the potential solutions to the problem. For example, if you've misplaced your keys, instead of getting upset, tell your children the keys are missing and then search for them together. If they don't turn up, take the next constructive step (like retracing your steps when you last had the keys in-hand). Show that good emotional control and problem solving are the ways to deal with a difficult situation.

If you continue to have difficulties, ask your doctor if family counseling sessions might help.

Kids do not always do what moms & dads want. When a child misbehaves, the parent must decide how to respond. All kids need rules and expectations to help them learn appropriate behavior. How does a parent teach a child the rules and, when those rules are broken, what should moms & dads do?

Moms & dads should begin by talking to each other about how they want to handle discipline and establish the rules. It is important to view discipline as teaching not punishment. Learning to follow rules keeps a child safe and helps him or her learn the difference between right and wrong.

Once rules have been established, moms & dads should explain to the child that broken rules carry consequences. For example, Here are the rules. When you follow the rules, this will happen and if you break a rule, this is what will happen. Parents and the child should decide together what the rewards and consequences will be. Moms & dads should always acknowledge and offer positive reinforcement and support when their child follows the rules. Moms & dads must also follow through with an appropriate consequence when the child breaks a rule. Consistency and predictability are the cornerstones of discipline and praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning.

Kids learn from experience. Having logical consequences for misbehavior helps them learn that they are accountable for their actions, without damaging their self-esteem. If kids are fighting over the television, computer or a video game, turn it off. If a child spills milk at the dinner table while fooling around, have the child clean it up. A teenager who stays up too late may suffer the natural consequences of being tired the next day. Another type of consequence that can be effective is the suspension or delay of a privilege. If a child breaks the rule about where they can go on their bike, take away the bike for a few days. When a child does not do chores, he or she cannot do something special like spend the night with a friend or rent a movie.

There are different styles and approaches to parenting. Research shows that effective moms & dads raise well-adjusted kids who are more self-reliant, self-controlled, and positively curious than kids raised by moms & dads who are punitive, overly strict (authoritarian), or permissive. Effective moms & dads operate on the belief that both the child and the parent have certain rights and that the needs of both are important. Effective moms & dads don't need to use physical force to discipline the child, but are more likely to set clear rules and explain why these rules are important. Effective moms & dads reason with their kids and consider the youngsters' points of views even though they may not agree with them.


Tips for effective discipline:

· Allow for negotiation and flexibility, which can help build your child's social skills.
· Be clear about what you mean. Be firm and specific.
· Consequences should be fair and appropriate to the situation and the child's age.
· Let your child experience the consequences of his behavior.
· Make sure what you ask for is reasonable.
· Model positive behavior. "Do as I say, not as I do" seldom works.
· Speak to your child as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you. Don't resort to name-calling, yelling, or disrespect.
· Trust your child to do the right thing within the limits of your child's age and stage of development.
· Whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives.

Parenting classes and coaching can be helpful in learning to be an effective parent. If moms & dads have serious concerns about continuing problems with their child's behavior, consultation with a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional may be helpful.

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