When a family member dies, kids react differently from adults. Preschool kids usually see death as temporary and reversible, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who die and come to life again. Kids between five and nine begin to think more like adults about death, yet they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they know.
Adding to a youngster's shock and confusion at the death of a brother, sister, or parent is the unavailability of other family members, who may be so shaken by grief that they are not able to cope with the normal responsibility of childcare.
Moms & dads should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as signs when a youngster is having difficulty coping with grief. It is normal during the weeks following the death for some kids to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. However, long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief can be emotionally unhealthy and can later lead to more severe problems.
A youngster who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go; however, honoring or remembering the person in some way, such as lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making a scrapbook, reviewing photographs, or telling a story may be helpful. Kids should be allowed to express feelings about their loss and grief in their own way.
Once kids accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the youngster, making it clear that the youngster has permission to show his or her feelings openly or freely.
The person who has died was essential to the stability of the youngster's world, and anger is a natural reaction. The anger may be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares, irritability, or a variety of other behaviors. Often the youngster will show anger towards the surviving family members.
After a parent dies, many kids will act younger than they are. The youngster may temporarily become more infantile; demand food, attention and cuddling; and talk baby talk. Younger kids frequently believe they are the cause of what happens around them. A young youngster may believe a parent, grandparent, brother, or sister died because he or she had once wished the person dead when they were angry. The youngster feels guilty or blames him or herself because the wish came true.
Kids who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:
· withdrawal from friends
· sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school
· repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
· inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
· excessively imitating the dead person
· an extended period of depression in which the youngster loses interest in daily activities and events
· acting much younger for an extended period
If these signs persist, professional help may be needed. A youngster and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional can help the youngster accept the death and assist the others in helping the youngster through the mourning process.
When Kids Become Depressed—
Not only adults become depressed. Kids and teenagers also may have depression, as well. The good news is that depression is a treatable illness. Depression is defined as an illness when the feelings of depression persist and interfere with a youngster or adolescent’s ability to function.
About 5 percent of kids and teenagers in the general population suffer from depression at any given point in time. Kids under stress, who experience loss, or who have attentional, learning, conduct or anxiety disorders are at a higher risk for depression. Depression also tends to run in families.
The behavior of depressed kids and teenagers may differ from the behavior of depressed adults. Youngster and adolescent psychiatrists advise moms & dads to be aware of signs of depression in their youngsters.
If one or more of these signs of depression persist, moms & dads should seek help:
· Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self destructive behavior
· Talk of or efforts to run away from home
· Social isolation, poor communication
· Poor concentration
· Persistent boredom; low energy
· Low self esteem and guilt
· Increased irritability, anger, or hostility
· Hopelessness
· Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying
· Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches
· Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school
· Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure
· Difficulty with relationships
· Decreased interest in, or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities
· A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns
A youngster who used to play often with friends may now spend most of the time alone and without interests. Things that were once fun now bring little joy to the depressed youngster. Kids and teenagers who are depressed may say they want to be dead or may talk about suicide. Depressed kids and teenagers are at increased risk for committing suicide. Depressed teenagers may abuse alcohol or other drugs as a way of trying to feel better.
Kids and teenagers who cause trouble at home or at school may also be suffering from depression. Because the youngster may not always seem sad, moms & dads and teachers may not realize that troublesome behavior is a sign of depression. When asked directly, these kids can sometimes state they are unhappy or sad.
Early diagnosis and treatment are essential for depressed kids. Depression is a real illness that requires professional help. Comprehensive treatment often includes both individual and family therapy. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) are forms of individual therapy shown to be effective in treating depression. Treatment may also include the use of antidepressant medication. For help, moms & dads should ask their physician to refer them to a qualified mental health professional, who can diagnose and treat depression in kids and teenagers.
When Teens Become Suicidal—
Suicides among young people continue to be a serious problem. Each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-to-24-year-olds, and the sixth leading cause of death for 5-to-14-year-olds.
Teenagers experience strong feelings of stress, confusion, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, and other fears while growing up. For some teenagers, divorce, the formation of a new family with step-moms & dads and step-siblings, or moving to a new community can be very unsettling and can intensify self-doubts. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems and stress.
Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders. The youngster or adolescent needs to have his or her illness recognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plans developed. When moms & dads are in doubt whether their youngster has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful.
Many of the signs and symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression.
Moms & dads should be aware of the following signs of teenagers who may try to kill themselves:
· change in eating and sleeping habits
· drug and alcohol use
· frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
· loss of interest in pleasurable activities
· marked personality change
· not tolerating praise or rewards
· persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
· unusual neglect of personal appearance
· violent actions, rebellious behavior, or running away
· withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
A teenager who is planning to commit suicide may also:
· become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
· complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
· give verbal hints with statements such as: I won't be a problem for you much longer, Nothing matters, It's no use, and I won't see you again
· have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)
· put his or her affairs in order, for example, give away favorite possessions, clean his or her room, throw away important belongings, etc.
If a youngster or adolescent says, I want to kill myself, or I'm going to commit suicide, always take the statement seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional. People often feel uncomfortable talking about death. However, asking the youngster or adolescent whether he or she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Rather than putting thoughts in the youngster's head, such a question will provide assurance that somebody cares and will give the young person the chance to talk about problems.
If one or more of these signs occurs, moms & dads need to talk to their youngster about their concerns and seek professional help from a physician or a qualified mental health professional. With support from family and appropriate treatment, kids and teenagers who are suicidal can heal and return to a more healthy path of development.
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