AM for Moms

Anger Management for Moms—

By Elizabeth Bruce, Contributing Author for Online Parent Support

It's a dirty little secret. Good mothers get angry. Sometimes they get really angry. Stay-at-home moms do it, working moms do it, all moms do it. Take it from me. I am the mother of four young children, two of them, er, "spirited," so I know a thing or two about maternal anger. Kids will be kids, and as such, they will get into trouble, fight, wreck things, and argue with you. As an adult, it is often hard to sympathize with children's irrational, destructive, messy, or loud behaviors.

Anger does not mean that you don't love your children dearly. In fact, just the opposite is true. If we did not care, we would never get angry. Anger is a natural reaction to reaching your limits. Even the venerable Dr. Spock admitted to screaming "Shut up" to his infant when it would not stop crying in the middle of the night. So why are we so ashamed to admit that we share this very human emotion? Unfortunately, as mothers we set often impossibly high standards for ourselves. It is, in fact, unrealistic to expect to spend our waking hours with children and never get angry. The important thing, it would seem, is how we choose to deal with anger.

Here are some helpful tips I have learned over my eleven years as a very imperfect parent.

Avoid your trigger points--

Just like much of modern discipline involves keeping the child out of bothersome situations, so does anger management involve keeping yourself out of potentially explosive situations. If you know that you are likely to lose it every time your child has a certain friend over, invite a calmer friend over instead. If you know that two of your children always fight in the car, seat them as far apart as possible, and maybe offer a distraction. Activities that are supposed to be for the children (i.e., piano, soccer, baseball) often end up driving everyone in the family to distraction. If getting your child to a certain activity is overwhelming, find a good carpool or simply drop the activity for six months to a year. Sometimes it is better to withdraw from an activity than to scream at the kids every week on the way there. Remember, kids need time to unwind with unstructured play more than they need structured activities every moment of the day.

Recently, I stopped taking my three-year-old to a certain bagel bakery because the store next door has Thomas the Tank Engine books in the window. My son would have a major tantrum every time we passed by, so now I go alone while he is at preschool. I know other moms of small children who do all their grocery shopping at night or on Saturdays to avoid taking their kids to the store. You know your own hot spots - just avoid taking the kids there until they're older. Prevention can go a long way towards saving your sanity.

Don't sweat the small stuff--

I got this wise advice from my husband's 94-year-old grandmother. Her attitude was, 'if he's not potty-trained by the time he's 30, let his wife worry about it.' Hear, hear! The same goes for weaning, wetting the bed, and other immature behaviors that the child will eventually outgrow. While it can be frustrating, try to remember that he is not doing it on purpose to annoy you; he is just not ready to grow up. It is best to just matter-of-factly change the sheets, breastfeed the toddler, or whatever it takes to maintain the peace. Obviously, certain actions always require swift action, such as running into the street or hurting another child. Anger in these situations is normal, natural, and probably helps the child to understand the gravity of his actions. In contrast, do you really want to get angry every time your child can't decide what to wear? Let's face it, most stuff with kids is small stuff. Before you lose your temper, ask yourself if it is something you can ignore. Once the child stops getting negative attention, he may even stop the annoying behavior.

Think like a teacher--

Good teachers know that anger is not an effective way to manage children's behavior. The best teachers have a cool confidence that says, "I am in control." They have clear consequences outlined for misbehavior, which makes the kids less likely to go astray. Children find limits reassuring, which is one reason why teachers have far fewer discipline problems than the average parent does. Of course, a teacher does not have the emotional attachment to your child that you do. This also works to her advantage. As in a classroom, it's a good idea to have a few non-negotiable rules at home. You as the parent can decide what these will be, but it is a good idea to keep your list short. The fewer things there are to fight about, the better.

Emotionally divorce your children--

This one is admittedly the hardest advice to follow. When a child is misbehaving, it is tempting to get emotionally entangled with their misbehavior. For instance, because I am the first-born child in my family, I often unrealistically expect more from my oldest child than I do from the younger ones. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he is still a child as well.

My son and I have fought about everything from what pants he should wear to what foods he should pack in his lunch. Then one day, I just decided he was old enough to make his own decisions about what he wears and what he eats. Suddenly, the fighting just stopped! Once it was no longer an issue, he began making better (although not always to my standards) choices.

We parents take our children's behavior personally because we desperately want them to succeed in life. If we let them "get away with it," we fear, other people will not like them. While this is a reasonable fear, most loved children act much better around other adults than they do with their parents. As long as they know how we feel about an issue, they are not getting away with anything when they disobey. Children's little consciences work hard, and no child really wants to go against his parent's wishes. While the child may get a sense of power from embroiling you in a life-or-death struggle, ultimately, such false power makes him feel insecure. He knows that you, not he, should be the parent. Another problem is that we consciously or unconsciously react in just the way our own parents reacted to similar behavior. If our own parents freaked out at what they perceived as disrespect, we do too. Suddenly, your child saying "no" to you sends you into a disproportionate rage. Try and recall your own parents' reactions to misbehavior so you don't go into auto-pilot with your own kids.

Surrender to your sense of humor--

We have a family bed with our two younger children, which comes with its own absurdities, such as trying to sleep on a square inch of mattress. One night last winter, my daughter threw up on us in the middle of the night. The virus had already ripped through the older children, so we had been doing laundry and carpet-cleaning all day. We were tired, but dragged ourselves out of bed, changed all the sheets, gave her a bath and congratulated ourselves on the fact that the two-year-old was still sleeping soundly after being moved, etc. As soon as we turned off the light and the four of us had snuggled back into our clean bed, the toddler did a spectacular projectile vomit. He had eaten hot dogs for dinner. My husband and I looked at each other and started laughing until we cried. I actually have a pleasant memory of the smelly scene because my husband and I were able to keep our sense of humor. Anger, while it would have been an understandable reaction, would not have changed the fact that stuff needed cleaning up. I am quite sure that if you have young children, there are plenty of funny things going on in your house. Just pretend it's your friend who sucked up the third shoelace with the vacuum. Then you might see the humor in the situation.

Ask for help--

There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Better yet, ask before you need it. We live in an unnaturally autonomous society, where mothers are almost solely responsible for the care of young children. Historically, human societies have understood that mothers need help, and lots of it! If you are isolated in a new town without friends or relatives nearby, find some other mothers to form a babysitting co-op with. All moms need help, so willing spirits are not hard to find. You can meet these mothers anywhere parents congregate - preschools, churches, community swimming classes. Just reach out to other moms; you will be glad you did.

Take time out for yourself--

Anger is actually a helpful clue that we are feeling used and/or resentful. It is a natural reaction to giving 100% of ourselves to others. Mothers need adult companionship, nurturing, and alone time. Occasionally, we even need to use the bathroom with the door shut! There is the old analogy to a bank account, in which you must make deposits in order to make withdrawals. Once your account is overdrawn, it is too late. The best time to do things for yourself is before you reach the boiling point. Instead of cleaning up while the baby is napping, call a friend or have a cup of tea. Set aside some time every single day to exercise, stretch, or meditate. Any activity that relaxes you will help make you a better parent, which is good for everyone.

Forgive yourself--

The next time you lose your temper, take a step back. Imagine a good friend was confessing your actions to you. Wouldn't you be sympathetic instead of judgmental? Try to have the same compassion for yourself as you would towards a friend. As a mother, you are doing the best you can. No, you are not perfect, and never will be. Remember, tomorrow is another day. If it helps, apologize to your children after losing your temper. You will be setting a good example for them to follow.

Anger is a naturally occurring human emotion, and as such, it is neither good nor bad, it just is. One of the best gifts we can give our children is to show them constructive ways of dealing with anger. Then some day you can pat yourself on the back for the great way your grandchildren are being raised.

Elizabeth Bruce is a Certified Childbirth Educator with BirthWorks and a mother of 4. She resides in Lortan , VA and is also the author of Get Through Childbirth In One Piece!
Online Parent Support

Families In The Military—

Members of the military are often separated for lengthy periods of time from their families and sent to distant, dangerous or unknown locations. A family that loses the active presence of a parent through separation faces significant challenges and stress. During the parent’s deployment, family members may feel isolated, unsupported and anxious. They may also experience financial stress. Media coverage of events can also increase concern. Families who have little or no contact with extended family and/or the military community may be especially vulnerable to stress. In families with existing medical, emotional or behavioral problems, a parent being away can be especially difficult.

While most families and children manage successfully, it is important for parents to be aware of signs of stress and possibly serious problems. The responses of children to stress of separation are determined by their individual makeup and developmental age. The following are some common reactions:

· Teenagers (13-18 yrs.) may be rebellious, irritable or more challenging of authority. Parents need to be alert to high-risk behaviors such as problems with the law, sexual acting out, and drug/alcohol abuse.

· School age children (6-12 yrs.) are more aware of the realities behind their parent leaving and the potential dangers. They may show irritable behavior, aggression or whininess. They also may become more regressed and fearful that their parent may be injured or die.

· Preschoolers (3-6 yrs.) are more aware of the absence of a parent than younger children and their behavior may regress in areas such as toilet training, sleep, separation fears, physical complaints, or thumb sucking. They may personalize situations and express a fear that, “Daddy left because I was angry at him” or “Mommy stays away because she doesn’t love me”.

· Toddlers (1-3 yrs.) may become sullen, tearful, throw temper tantrums or develop sleep problems.

· Infants (Birth - 12 months) may respond to disruptions in their schedule, physical environment or availability of caregivers with decreased appetite, weight loss, irritability and/or apathy.

A parent leaving home on a military assignment increases the burden on all family members. The following suggestions can ease the stress:

· As a single parent at home, make sure that you also take care of yourself so that you can be available to your children.

· Consider having children participate in a project associated with their parent’s deployment (e.g. classroom letter writing project, keeping a journal or scrapbook).

· Continue family traditions, structure and discipline. This is reassuring and stabilizing to children.

· Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.

· Emphasize the need for the family to pull together during the parent’s absence with everyone sharing in family responsibilities.

· Encourage the open and honest expression of worries, feelings, and questions.

· Initiate and maintain a close relationship and communication with your child’s teachers and school.

· Monitor children’s exposure to TV coverage of war events and political discussions of the war.

· Share information with children based upon their developmental level and ability to understand. No news is usually more stressful and difficult to deal with than bad news.

· Talk as a family before the reassignment, sharing information, feelings, worries and plans for the future. Let your child know that the family member is making a valuable contribution to their country and the world.

· Utilize available means (e.g. letters, email, phone) for the family members to communicate with the deployed parent.

· Utilize extended family, community and spiritual resources and other natural supports that are available both within and outside the military.

Although a joyous occasion, when a family member returns home after a long absence, a period of adjustment will be necessary. Roles, responsibilities and routines must be re-established. The emotional readjustment will require time and patience. This can be a difficult time and all family members will need extra support. While it is a difficult time for families, most children can and do adjust successfully to the separation and stress involved when a parent in the military is deployed.

Coming Home: Adjustments For Military Families—

Military families look forward to being together after a long deployment with many mixed emotions. Each family member will have different expectations. Every family situation is different. But, it is important to remember the needs and feelings of the returning family member, the adult at home and the children.

Understanding the Returning Family Member:

· Military deployments, especially in a combat zone, can significantly change an individual’s life.

· The deployment involved hard work and enormous responsibility. If in a war zone, there was the constant threat of loss of life or injury. The family member may have witnessed injuries, deaths and destruction.

· The deployment involved the loss of many comforts that people back home take for granted: contact with family, comfortable living conditions, a variety of good food, time to relax, etc.

· The returning family member may expect extra attention and support for some time after their return.

· The returning family member may have serious concerns about their financial or employment future.

· The returning family member may have suffered physical or emotional injury or disability.

· The returning family member may seem preoccupied with the experience of their deployment. They may be unable to talk about it or may excessively talk about it.

· What sustains military personnel on a dangerous deployment is devotion to duty, a close connection with fellow soldiers and the desire to return to the comforts of home, family and community.

Understanding the Adult that Stayed at Home:

· Life has gone on and the adult at home has had to keep the family moving forward during the deployment. They may have had to take over many functions normally performed by the deployed family member.

· Often the adult at home has handled many small and not so small crises. These problems are old news at home but may be big surprises for the returning family member.

· The adult at home may expect extra attention and credit regarding the performance during the deployment. They also may expect the returning family members to automatically accept the family as it now exists and begin to perform a role with which they are uncomfortable
or unfamiliar.

Understanding the Children:

· Children generally are excited about a reunion with their returning parent. However, the excitement of the reunion is stressful for children. Children may also be anxious and uncertain about the reunion.

· Children may need a period of time to warm up and readjust to the returning parent. This should not be misinterpreted or taken personally.

· Children’s responses are influenced by their developmental level. Toddlers may not remember the parent well and act shy or strange around them. School age children may not understand the returning parent’s need to take care of themselves and to spend time with their spouse. Teenagers may seem distant as they continue their activities with friends.

Understanding the Family:

· Couples may find the deployment has strained their relationship. Time and negotiation will help the couple work toward a new loving relationship.

· Extended family members such as grandparents, aunts and uncles may have provided support and service to the family during the deployment. They may have difficulty redefining their role with the family.

· Family problems that existed before the deployment frequently reappear after the deployment.

Give Everyone Time:

· All family members will need time to adjust to the changes that accompany the return of the deployed family member.

· Families should utilize the help offered by the military and other organizations to readjust to the reunion.

· Most families will change. Children have been born or have grown. An adult at home may have become more independent. The returning family member had a life changing experience. The goal is to form a healthy, new life together.

· Open discussion of expectations prior to the return home are helpful if they are possible.

Reunion of a military family after a long deployment is a cause for celebration. Some patience and understanding will go a long way to help the whole family successfully reunite with a minimum of problems.

Online Parent Support

A Tribute To Military Families-



Thanks to all who sent in their photos and to Mark for posting this tribute,

Maria

A proud soldier's wife and member of Online Parent Support

ONLINE SEXUAL PREDATORS—

Currently, there are over 600,000 Registered Sex Offenders in the United States; an estimated 150,000 have been lost in the system (National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, 2006).

Four percent of all youth Internet users received aggressive sexual solicitations, which threatened to spill over into "real life". These solicitors asked to meet the youth in person, called them on the telephone, or sent offline mail, money, or gifts. Also 4 percent of youth Internet users had distressing sexual solicitations that left them feeling upset of extremely afraid (Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later, 2006).

Teens are willing to meet with strangers: 16 percent of teens considered meeting someone they've only talked to online and 8 percent have actually met someone they only knew online (Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. 2006).

The predominant sex crime scenario doesn't involve violence or stranger molesters posing online as children; only 5 percent of offenders concealed the fact they were adults from their victims. Almost 80 percent of offenders were explicit about their intentions with youth. In 73 percent of crimes, youth go to meet the offender on multiple occasions for multiple sexual encounters (NJOV Study, 2007).

YOUTH AND GENERAL INTERNET USE—

• 31 percent of 7th to 12th-graders pretended to be older to get onto a website. (Generation M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year-Olds. Victoria Rideout, Donald F. Roberts. Ulla G. Foehr. March 2005. The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. 17 November 2006, http://www.kff.org/entmedia/up...f-8-18-Year-olds-Report.pdf).

• 38 percent of high school students sometimes hide their online activities from their parents (Market Wire. November 6, 2006. i-SAFE Inc. December 12, 2006.

• 65 percent of high school students admit to unsafe, inappropriate, or illegal activities online (Market Wire. November 6, 2006. i-SAFE Inc. December 12, 2006.

• A large majority of teens (71 percent) have established online profiles (including those on social networking sites such as MySpace, Friendster and Xanga), up from 61 percent in 2006. (National teen Internet survey was funded by Cox Communications in partnership with NCMEC and John Walsh and was conducted in March 2007 among 1,070 teens age 13 to 17. The research was conducted online by TRU. http://www.cox.com/TakeCharge/...ocs/survey_results_2007.ppt).

• Among the 96 percent of young people who have ever gone online, 65 percent say they go online most often from home, 14 percent from school, 7 percent from a friend's house, and 2 percent from a library or other location (Generation M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year-Olds. Victoria Rideout, Donald F. Roberts. Ulla G. Foehr. March 2005. The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. 17 November 2006, http://www.kff.org/entmedia/up...f-8-18-Year-olds-Report.pdf).

• Home computers are still overwhelmingly located in open family areas of the home; 74 percent of teens now say the computer they use is in a public place in the home, compared with 73 percent in 2004 and 70 percent in 2000. (Lenhart, Amanda and Madden, Mary. Teens, Privacy, and Online Social Networks. Pew Internet and American Life Project, April 18, 2007 http://www.pewinternet.org/pdf...rivacy_SNS_Report_Final.pdf).

• Looking at a general picture of teen internet adoption, American teens are more wired now than ever before. According to our latest survey, 93 percent of all Americans between 12 and 17 years old use the internet. In 2004, 87 percent were internet users, and in 2000, 73 percent of teens went online. (Lenhart, Amanda and Madden, Mary. Teens, Privacy, and Online Social Networks. Pew Internet and American Life Project, April 18, 2007 http://www.pewinternet.org/pdf...rivacy_SNS_Report_Final.pdf).

• Nearly one-third (31percent) of 8- to 18-year-olds have a computer in their bedroom, and one in five (20 percent) have an Internet connection there (Generation M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year-Olds. Victoria Rideout, Donald F. Roberts. Ulla G. Foehr. March 2005. The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. 17 November 2006, http://www.kff.org/entmedia/up...f-8-18-Year-olds-Report.pdf).

• The most common recreational activities young people engage in on the computer are playing games and communicating through instant messaging (Generation M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year-Olds. (Victoria Rideout, Donald F. Roberts, Ulla G. Foehr. March 2005. The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. 17 November 2006.

• The risks to children, particularly teenagers, in cyberspace include exposure to unwanted exposure to sexual material (1 in 3 youth) and harassment -- threatening or other offensive behavior directed at them (1 in 11 youth). (Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. 2006. National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, Crimes Against Children Research Center, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. December 4, 2006. http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/pdf/CV138.pdf).

• Three in four (74 percent) young people have a home Internet connection (31 percent have high-speed access). Nearly one-third (31 percent) have a computer in their bedroom, and one in five (20 percent) have an Internet connection there. In a typical day, about half of young people (48 percent) go online from home, 20 percent from school, and 16 percent from someplace else (Generation M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year-Olds. Victoria Rideout, Donald F. Roberts. Ulla G. Foehr. March 2005. The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. 17 November 2006, http://www.kff.org/entmedia/up...f-8-18-Year-olds-Report.pdf).

Parents Tips Re: Computer Use—

1. Become familiar with the quality family-friendly and kid-friendly sites on the Web. Load your computer with bookmarks to those sites, such as:

• http://www.alfy.com
• http://www.timeforkids.com
• http://www.yahooligans.com

2. Keep your children out of unmonitored chat rooms. The best Internet filtering software blocks access to all chat to keep children safe from the threat of dangerous persons, masquerading as kids.

3. Place the computer in a well-trafficked area in the home where the whole family can use it, rather than out of sight in a bedroom. The computer should be set up where it is easy for parents to see the screen and monitor behavior.

4. Talk with your children to agree what kind of sites they are allowed to visit. Then check to make sure that they stay within these agreed limits.

5. Chat sites are a great way to meet people online and can be lots of fun. But they are open to misuse, so make sure your children are as cautious of strangers online as they would be in the outside world. Tell your children if they receive any obscene, abusive or threatening messages, they shouldn't respond, but to let you know, and you should consider telling your Internet service provider.

6. Find out what computer safeguards are utilized by your child's school, the public library, and at the homes of your child's friends. These are all places, outside your normal supervision, where your child could encounter an online predator.

7. Inform your child that whatever they are told online may or may not be true.

8. Know your child's e-mail password and tell them to inform you immediately about troubling, unsolicited e-mail. Make sure they understand it is not necessarily their fault if such e-mail arrives.

9. Monitor your child's use of chat rooms and keep them out of those that are unmonitored. As children can be under threat from dangerous persons masquerading as kids in chat rooms.

10. Take advantage of the filtering software readily available in the marketplace. It can help block access to inappropriate sites related to sex, drugs/alcohol, hate/violence, gambling etc and even chat.

11. Let your child know that you are there to talk anytime, about anything they come across that may cause discomfort.

12. Instruct your child to never do any of the following without your permission:

• Never to arrange a face-to-face meeting with someone they meet online. If you do give permission, be sure that the meeting is in a public place and that you or another responsible adult accompany your child.
• Never to download pictures from an unknown source, as there is a good chance there could be sexually explicit images.
• Never to give out personal information such as their name, age, home address, school name or location, telephone numbers or financial information.
• Never to upload pictures of themselves on to the Internet or online service to people they do not know personally.

Online Parent Support

Children and Video Games: Playing with Violence—

Video gaming (playing video games) has become a popular activity for people of all ages. Many children and adolescents spend large amounts of time playing them. Video gaming is a multibillion-dollar industry – bringing in more money than movies and DVDs. Video games have become very sophisticated and realistic. Some games connect to the Internet, which can allow children and adolescents to play online with unknown adults and peers.

A recent content analysis by the research organization Children Now shows that a majority of video games include violence and about half of the violent incidents would result in serious injuries or death in the "real" world.

While some games have educational content, many of the most popular games emphasize negative themes and promote:

· criminal behavior, disrespect for authority and the law
· foul language, obscenities, and obscene gestures
· racial, sexual, and gender stereotypes
· sexual exploitation and violence toward women
· the killing of people or animals
· the use and abuse of drugs and alcohol

There is growing research on the effects of videogames on children. Some video games may promote learning, problem solving and help with the development of fine motor skills and coordination. However, there are concerns about the effect of violent video games on young people who play videogames excessively.

Studies of children exposed to violence have shown that they can become: “immune” or numb to the horror of violence, imitate the violence they see, and show more aggressive behavior with greater exposure to violence. Some children accept violence as a way to handle problems. Studies have also shown that the more realistic and repeated the exposure to violence, the greater the impact on children. In addition, children with emotional, behavioral and learning problems may be more influenced by violent images.

Violent video games don't teach kids moral consequences. If you shoot somebody in one of these games, you don't go to jail, you don't get penalized in some way — you get extra points! This doesn't mean that your child will go out into the world and shoot someone. But they do use more aggressive language, they do use more aggressive images, they have less ability to control their anger and they externalize things in these violent ways.

Children and adolescents can become overly involved and even obsessed with videogames. Spending large amounts of time playing these games can create problems and lead to:

· aggressive thoughts and behaviors
· exercising less, and becoming overweight
· lower grades and reading less
· poor social skills
· time away from family time, school-work, and other hobbies

Psychologists have found that when parents limit the amount of time as well as the types of games their children play, children are less likely to show aggressive behaviors. Other research suggests that active parental involvement in children's media usage — including discussing the inappropriateness of violent solutions to real life conflicts, reducing time spent on violent media, and generating alternative nonviolent solutions to problems — all can reduce the impact of media violence on children and youth.

If you play video games with your child, alternative activities that allow you to have more interaction with your child, such as playing a board game together or going for a walk and exploring together.

Tips for Parents—

Parents can help their children enjoy these games and avoid problems by:

·playing videogames with their children to experience the game’s content.
·remembering that you are a role model for your children – including video games you play as an adult.
·selecting appropriate games—both in content and level of development.
·setting clear rules about game content and playing time, both in and outside of your home.
·strongly warning children about potential serious dangers of Internet contacts and relationships while playing games online.
·talking with other parents about your family’s video game rules.
·checking the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) ratings to learn about the game’s content.

More Tips for Parents—

· Contact the game makers. If you find material that you think is offensive or inappropriate, let the people who make and sell the games know about it. Likewise, let game makers know if you think that a game provides healthy messages or images. They do care what you think!

· Go online. The ESRB Web site (www.ESRB.com) provides game ratings as well as definitions of the rating system. In addition, you can visit game maker and distributor Web sites to learn more about the contents of a game. Some have reviews that will provide even more information about the game.

· Know your child. Different children handle things differently. If your child becomes aggressive or unsettled after playing violent video games, don't buy such games, regardless of the child's age. Likewise, if your child likes playing games with characters that look like her or him, purchase games with characters that fit the bill.

· Play the games with your child. Know what your child is being exposed to and how they react to different features in the games.

· Put the games in a public space. Just as with the Internet, keep your game consoles and computers in public family space so that you can be aware of the material your child is viewing.

· Read more than the ratings. While the ESRB ratings can be helpful, they do not tell the whole story. Some features that you may consider violent or sexual may not be labeled as such by the ESRB. In addition, the ESRB does not rate games for the positive inclusion of females or characters of color. The language on the packaging may give you a better idea of the amount and significance of violence and sexuality, and the presence of gender and racial diversity or stereotypes in the game.

· Read the ratings. Every video and computer game should be rated for age appropriateness on the front of the packaging. Some games also have labels with content descriptions on the back of the packaging. Be sure to read both of these labels in order to determine whether the game is age appropriate for your child and whether it contains material that you do not wish your child to be exposed to.

· Rent before you buy. Many video rental stores also rent video games and consoles. Take a trial run before you purchase a game. There is no better way to know what kind of material is featured in a game than to play it yourself.

· Set limits. If you are worried that your child spends too much time playing video games, limit the amount of time or specify the times of day that video games can be played.

· Talk about what you see. If your child discovers material that he or she finds disturbing or that you find inappropriate, talk about it. This is a great opportunity to let your child know what your values are as well as to help him or her deal with images that may be troubling.

· Talk to other parents. Find out which games other parents like and dislike as well as which games they let your child play when she or he visits their house. This is a good way to learn about the games that your child enjoys, games that other parents approve of, and to let other parents know which games you do not want your child playing.

Parents should also pay attention to video games' ratings. Following are the guidelines that were established by the Entertainment Software Ratings Board:

·EC is for "early childhood." May be suitable for ages 3 and up. Contains no material that parents would find inappropriate.
·E is for "everyone." May be suitable for ages 6 and up. May contain minimal violence, some comic mischief and/or mild language.
·E10+ is for "everyone 10 and older." May be suitable for ages 10 and up. Titles in this category may contain more cartoon, fantasy or mild violence, mild language, and/or minimal suggestive themes.
·T is for "teen." May be suitable for ages 13 and up. May contain violent content, mild or strong language, and/or suggestive themes.
·M is for "mature." May be suitable for persons ages 17 and up. May contain mature sexual themes, more intense violence and/or strong language.
·AO is for "adults only." Have content suitable only for adults. May include graphic depictions of sex and/or violence. Adult Only products are not intended for persons under the age of 18.
·RP is for "rating pending." Titles have been submitted and are awaiting final rating.

If parents are concerned that their child is spending too much time playing video games or appears preoccupied or obsessed with aggressive or violent video games, they should first set some limits (for example – playing the games for one hour after all homework is done) and try to encourage the child to participate in other activities. If there is continued concern about their child’s behavior or the effects of videogames, a consultation with a qualified mental health professional may be helpful.

```````````````````````````````````````````````



It is no secret that video games and television programs often depict graphic violence. But now, three new studies show violence causes children, teenagers and young adults to behave more aggressively than those who watch non-violent media.

In addition, there is also a debate swirling in Washington, D.C. on how to shield children from violent TV shows. Some U.S. lawmakers want to sponsor legislation to shield children from TV violence. But Howard Kurtz, a media reporter for The Washington Post newspaper, predicts a fierce fight from the entertainment industry.

The legislation would also prompt a court battle. Caroline Frederickson from the American Civil Liberties Union says, "Congress is going to have to become a bureau of censorship, and I think I'm hopeful that many members of Congress will recognize that that is not the appropriate role for them to play."

Online Parent Support