When Kids Have Kids—

Babies born in the U.S. to teenage mothers are at risk for long-term problems in many major areas of life, including school failure, poverty, and physical or mental illness. The teenage mothers themselves are also at risk for these problems.

Teenage pregnancy is usually a crisis for the pregnant girl and her family. Common reactions include anger, guilt, and denial. If the father is young and involved, similar reactions can occur in his family.

Teens who become pregnant may not seek proper medical care during their pregnancy, leading to an increased risk for medical complications. Pregnant teenagers require special understanding, medical care, and education--particularly about nutrition, infections, substance abuse, and complications of pregnancy. They also need to learn that using tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs, can damage the developing fetus. All pregnant teenagers should have medical care beginning early in their pregnancy.

Pregnant teenagers can have many different emotional reactions:

• depression is also common among pregnant teenagers
• depression is also common among pregnant teenagers
• many do not anticipate that their adorable baby can also be demanding and sometimes irritating
• others may view the creation of a child as an achievement and not recognize the serious responsibilities
• some become overwhelmed by guilt, anxiety, and fears about the future
• some may keep a child to please another family member
• some may not want their babies
• some may want a baby to have someone to love, but not recognize the amount of care the baby needs
• some may want them for idealized and unrealistic ways

Babies born to teenagers are at risk for neglect and abuse because their young mothers are uncertain about their roles and may be frustrated by the constant demands of care-taking. Adult parents can help prevent teenage pregnancy through open communication and by providing guidance to their kids about sexuality, contraception, and the risks and responsibilities of intimate relationships and pregnancy. Some teenage girls drop out of school to have their babies and don't return. In this way, pregnant teenagers lose the opportunity to learn skills necessary for employment and self-survival as adults. School classes in family life and sexual education, as well as clinics providing reproductive information and birth control to young people, can also help to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

If pregnancy occurs, teenagers and their families deserve honest and sensitive counseling about options available to them, from abortion to adoption. Special support systems, including consultation with a child and adolescent psychiatrist when needed, should be available to help the teenager throughout the pregnancy, the birth, and the decision about whether to keep the infant or give it up for adoption. There may be times when the pregnant teenager's emotional reactions and mental state will require referral to a qualified mental health professional.

So what can parents do?

1. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of a strong, close relationship with your children, that is built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:

· Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don’t compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can’t you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.

· Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend her sports events; learn about his hobbies; be enthusiastic about her achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.

· Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of warmth and love should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.

· Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.

· Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.

· Spend time with your child engaged in activities that suit his age and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a “bank account” of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with him about specific topics, including sexual behavior.

· Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, using the time for conversation, not confrontation.

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Young people have lots of questions about sex, love, and relationships. And they often say that the source they’d most like to go for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can’t think of how to start the discussion consider using situations shown on TV or in the movies as conversation starters. Tell teens candidly and confidently what you think and why you believe what you do. If you’re not sure about some issues, tell them about that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them. Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child’s life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this — you know, “the talk.” Think 18 year conversation. The truth is that parents and kids should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to both sons and daughters and mothers and fathers. All teens need large amounts of communication, guidance, and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don’t appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won’t worry so much about making a mistake, because you’ll always be able to talk again. Many inexpensive books and videos are available to help with any detailed information you might need, but don’t let your lack of technical information make you shy. Kids need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and sex, and what the difference is. And remember to talk about the reasons that kids find sex interesting and enticing; discussing only the “downside” of unplanned pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers’ minds.

3. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don’t allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl. But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two (or at most three) year age difference. The power differences between older boys or men and younger girls can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.

4. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don’t get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe, but also are engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids’ whereabouts doesn’t make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

5. Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your child to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble and can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your child’s progress in school and intervene early if things aren’t going well. Keep track of your children’s grades in school and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of yours your teenagers gives to part-time jobs (20 hours a week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.

6. Know your children’s friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children’s friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child’s friends share rather than one that makes him or her different — but even if your views don’t match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children’s friends into your home and talk to them warmly and openly.

7. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and no one who is having sex ever seems to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be media literate— think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to. You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

8. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your son or daughter will delay having sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their future appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant — or causing pregnancy — can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses might make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, can not only teach job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

9. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong preference about this throughout childhood — don’t wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don’t like the particular person or invitation.

10. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are clear in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your own attitudes and values, think about the following kinds of questions: Is abstinence best for teens? Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues? What do think about teens using contraception? What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active — perhaps even becoming parents? Who is responsible for setting limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically?

It’s never too late to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don’t underestimate the great need that children feel — at all ages — for a warm relationship with their parents and for their parents’ guidance, approval, and support.

Talking To Your Kids About Sex—

Talking to your kids about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of parenting. Parents can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to talk to their kids about these issues. However, many parents avoid or postpone the discussion. Each year about one million teenage girls become pregnant in the United States and three million teenagers get a sexually transmitted disease. Kids and teens need input and guidance from parents to help them make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior since they can be confused and over-stimulated by what they see and hear. Information about sex obtained by kids from the Internet can often be inaccurate and/or inappropriate.

Talking about sex may be uncomfortable for both parents and kids. Parents should respond to the needs and curiosity level of their individual child, offering no more or less information than their child is asking for and is able to understand. Getting advice from a clergyman, pediatrician, family physician, or other health professional may be helpful. Books that use illustrations or diagrams may aid communication and understanding.

Kids have different levels of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age and level of maturity. As kids grow older, they will often ask for more details about sex. Many kids have their own words for body parts. It is important to find out words they know and are comfortable with to make talking with them easier. A 5-year-old may be happy with the simple answer that babies come from a seed that grows in a special place inside the mother. Dad helps when his seed combines with mom's seed, which causes the baby to start to grow. An 8-year-old may want to know how dad's seed gets to mom's seed. Parents may want to talk about dad's seed (or sperm) coming from his penis and combining with mom's seed (or egg) in her uterus. Then the baby grows in the safety of mom's uterus for nine months until it is strong enough to be born. An 11-year-old may want to know even more and parents can help by talking about how a man and woman fall in love and then may decide to have sex.

It is important to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings about sex are important issues to be discussed. Talking to your kids can help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping kids understand that these are decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that they make good choices.

Teens are able to talk about lovemaking and sex in terms of dating and relationships. They may need help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding their sexual identity, and sexual behavior in a relationship. Concerns regarding masturbation, menstruation, contraception, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are common. Some teens also struggle with conflicts around family, religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that teenagers will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin.

In talking with your child or adolescent, it is helpful to:

• Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
• Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
• Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
• Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.
• Keep your sense of humor and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
• Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
• Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one's partner.
• Try to determine your child's level of knowledge and understanding.
• Use words that are understandable and comfortable.

Online Parent Support

Depression & Suicide in Children & Adolescents—

Not only adults become depressed. Children and teenagers also may have depression, as well. The good news is that depression is a treatable illness. Depression is defined as an illness when the feelings of depression persist and interfere with a child or adolescent’s ability to function.

About 5 percent of children and adolescents in the general population suffer from depression at any given point in time. Children under stress, who experience loss, or who have attentional, learning, conduct or anxiety disorders are at a higher risk for depression. Depression also tends to run in families.

The behavior of depressed children and teenagers may differ from the behavior of depressed adults. Child and adolescent psychiatrists advise parents to be aware of signs of depression in their youngsters.

If one or more of these signs of depression persist, parents should seek help:

• A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns
• Decreased interest in activities; or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities
• Difficulty with relationships
• Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure
• Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school
• Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches
• Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying
• Hopelessness
• Increased irritability, anger, or hostility
• Low self esteem and guilt
• Persistent boredom; low energy
• Poor concentration
• Social isolation, poor communication
• Talk of or efforts to run away from home
• Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self destructive behavior

A child who used to play often with friends may now spend most of the time alone and without interests. Things that were once fun now bring little joy to the depressed child. Children and adolescents who are depressed may say they want to be dead or may talk about suicide. Depressed children and adolescents are at increased risk for committing suicide. Depressed adolescents may abuse alcohol or other drugs as a way of trying to feel better.

Children and adolescents who cause trouble at home or at school may also be suffering from depression. Because the youngster may not always seem sad, parents and teachers may not realize that troublesome behavior is a sign of depression. When asked directly, these children can sometimes state they are unhappy or sad.

Early diagnosis and treatment are essential for depressed children. Depression is a real illness that requires professional help. Comprehensive treatment often includes both individual and family therapy. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) are forms of individual therapy shown to be effective in treating depression. Treatment may also include the use of antidepressant medication. For help, parents should ask their physician to refer them to a qualified mental health professional, who can diagnose and treat depression in children and teenagers.

Suicides among young people continue to be a serious problem. Each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-to-24-year-olds, and the sixth leading cause of death for 5-to-14-year-olds.

Teenagers experience strong feelings of stress, confusion, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, and other fears while growing up. For some teenagers, divorce, the formation of a new family with step-parents and step-siblings, or moving to a new community can be very unsettling and can intensify self-doubts. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems and stress.

Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders. The child or adolescent needs to have his or her illness recognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plans developed. When parents are in doubt whether their child has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful.

Many of the signs and symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression.

Parents should be aware of the following signs of adolescents who may try to kill themselves:

• change in eating and sleeping habits
• drug and alcohol use
• frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
• loss of interest in pleasurable activities
• marked personality change
• not tolerating praise or rewards
• persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
• unusual neglect of personal appearance
• violent actions, rebellious behavior, or running away
• withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities

A teenager who is planning to commit suicide may also:

• become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
• complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
• give verbal hints with statements such as: I won't be a problem for you much longer, Nothing matters, It's no use, and I won't see you again
• have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)
• put his or her affairs in order, for example, give away favorite possessions, clean his or her room, throw away important belongings, etc.

If a child or adolescent says, I want to kill myself, or I'm going to commit suicide, always take the statement seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional. People often feel uncomfortable talking about death. However, asking the child or adolescent whether he or she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Rather than putting thoughts in the child's head, such a question will provide assurance that somebody cares and will give the young person the chance to talk about problems.

If one or more of these signs occurs, parents need to talk to their child about their concerns and seek professional help from a physician or a qualified mental health professional. With support from family and appropriate treatment, children and teenagers who are suicidal can heal and return to a more healthy path of development.

Online Parent Support

Foster Care—

Over 500,000 children in the U.S. currently reside in some form of foster care. Placements in foster care have dramatically increased over the past 10 years. Despite the increasing numbers, children in foster care and foster parents are mostly invisible in communities and often lack many needed supports and resources. In situations of abuse and neglect, children may be removed from their parents' home by a child welfare agency and placed in foster care. Other reasons for foster placement include severe behavioral problems in the child and/or a variety of parental problems, such as abandonment, illness (physical or emotional), incarceration, AIDS, alcohol/substance abuse, and death.

African-American children make up approximately two thirds of the foster care population and remain in care longer. Two out of three children who enter foster care are reunited with their birth parents within two years. A significant number, however, can spend long periods of time in care awaiting adoption or other permanent arrangement. Making decisions about the future for a child in foster care is called permanency planning. Options include: returning the child to his/her birth parents; termination of parental rights (a formal legal procedure) to be followed, hopefully, by adoption; or long-term care with foster parents or relatives. Most states encourage efforts to provide the birth parents with support and needed services (e.g. mental health or drug/alcohol treatment, parent skills, training and assistance with child care and/or adequate housing) so their child can be returned to them. When parental rights have been terminated by the court, most states will try to place children with relatives (kinship foster care or relative placement) which may lead to adoption by the relative.

Being removed from their home and placed in foster care is a difficult and stressful experience for any child. Many of these children have suffered some form of serious abuse or neglect. About 30% of children in foster care have severe emotional, behavioral, or developmental problems. Physical health problems are also common. Most children, however, show remarkable resiliency and determination to go on with their lives.

Children in foster care often struggle with the following issues:

• blaming themselves and feeling guilty about removal from their birth parents
• feeling helpless about multiple changes in foster parents over time
• feeling insecure and uncertain about their future
• feeling unwanted if awaiting adoption for a long time
• having mixed emotions about attaching to foster parents
• reluctantly acknowledging positive feelings for foster parents
• wishing to return to birth parents even if they were abused by them

Foster parents open their homes and hearts to children in need of temporary care, a task both rewarding and difficult. Unfortunately, there has been a decrease in the number of foster parents (non-relative) available to care for children over the past 10 years. This results in larger numbers of children remaining in institutional settings. The number of relative caregivers (kinship foster care), however, has increased. Reimbursement rates for foster parents are lower in most states than the true costs of providing routine care for the child.

Important challenges for foster parents include:

• dealing with the child's emotions and behavior following visits with birth parents
• dealing with the complex needs (emotional, physical, etc.) of children in their care
• finding needed support services in the community
• recognizing the limits of their emotional attachment to the child
• recognizing their difficulties in letting the child return to birth parents
• understanding mixed feelings toward the child's birth parents

Some foster children develop Reactive Attachment Disorder. If a child experiences any of the following in the first three years of life, that child is at risk for Attachment Disorder:

• Caring for the infant on a timed schedule, or other self-centered parenting
• Drug or alcohol use by mother during pregnancy
• Inconsistent/inadequate care or daycare
• Mothers with depression
• Neglect of physical or emotional needs
• Physical abuse, sexual abuse, or emotional abuse
• Several family moves and/or daycare or foster placements
• Sudden abandonment or separation from mother (death of mother, illness of mother or child, or adoption)
• Undiagnosed or painful illnesses (ear infections, colic, surgery)
• Unprepared mothers, poor parenting skills, inconsistent responses to child
• Unwanted pregnancy

FOSTER CARE RESOURCES—

Abused Foster Children Win $3.3 Million Settlement
The Associated Press, May 25, 2001

Chicago Jury Awards $3.3 Million to Abused Foster Children
The National Law Journal, June 14, 2001

Advocates Criticize Medicating Foster Kids
The Miami Herald, April 12, 2001

Foster Workers Can't OK Kids' Pills
The Miami Herald, May 1, 2001

Advocates Alarmed By Drugs Used For Kids
The Miami Herald, May 7, 2001

Report Decried Giving Drugs to Kids
The Miami Herald, May 11, 2001

'Cadillac' Plan New Foster Kid Approach
The Miami Herald, June 2, 2001

Attorney General: Child Abuse Reports Are Public Record
Sun-Sentinel, July 25, 2001

Boy May Eventually be Returned to His Family if Certain Conditions Met
The Standard-Examiner, November 27, 2001

Children Who Return Home From Foster Care: A 6-Year Prospective Study of Behavioral Health Outcomes in AdolescenceA report from PEDIATRICS, Volume 108, No. 1; July, 2001.

City Agency's Psych Drugs Imperil Foster Kids
New York Post, April 16, 2001

DCF Aide is Found Drunk, Cops Say
The Miami Herald, July 27, 2002

Developmental Issues for Young Children in Foster Care
Policy statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics, November 2000

Feds: Woman Trafficked Vermont Girls to NYC
ABC News, December 14, 2001

Fla. Caseworker Charged in Abuse Case
The Associated Press, July 13, 2002

Foster Care Fast-Forwarded
Traverse City Record-Eagle, May 2000

Foster Care Independence Act of 1999
Final version of the Bill, as passed by both Houses, as well as links to prior versions, references in the Congressional Record, and Bill Summary.

Foster Kids May Fare Worse After Returning Home
Reuters Health, July 3, 2001

Foster Parent Adoption: What Parents Should Know
Fact sheet from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.

Foster Parent Adoption: What Professionals Should Know
Fact sheet from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.

Fostering Parenthood at Harvard
Harvard Crimson, December 2, 2002

I.N.S. Both Jailer and Parent to Children Without Nation
The New York Times, June 24, 2001

Nigerian Girl, 8, Released After Year in INS Custody in Miami
The Associated Press, August 11, 2001

Move Afoot to Change INS Handling of Children Who Are Illegal Immigrants
The Associated Press, February 15, 2002

Judge Allows INS to Hold Teen
Sun-Sentinel, March 8, 2002

Kids in Captivity
The Village Voice, February 27 - March 5, 2002

Identification and Care of HIV-Exposed and HIV-Infected Infants, Children, and Adolescents in Foster Care
Policy statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics, July 2000.

Little Refugees: King County's Foster Care Crisis
Seattle Post-Intelligencer, September 1999

Lost Children
The Washington Post, September 2001

Lost in the System
Sacramento Bee, June 10, 2001

Permanency Planning: Sword or Shield?
by Andrew Vachss, Adoptalk, Spring 1984

Placement Decisions For Children in Long-term Foster Care: Innovative Practices and Literature Review
Report from the Washington State Institute for Public Policy, February 2001. [PDF]

Psychiatric Care of Children in the Foster Care System
Policy statement from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, September 20, 2001.

Safety Net Sought for Former Foster Kids as They Enter Adult World
Sun-Sentinel, May 24, 2001

Strained System Often Splits Up Siblings in Foster Care
The Associated Press, July 22, 2001

State Agency to Pay $5 Million to 6 Sexually Abused Children
Sun-Sentinel, May 17, 2002

Toddler's Death Ruled Homicide
The Washington Post, January 9, 2000

Online Parent Support

Children And Lying—

Children lie for a number of different reasons, and in many cases it is a normal part of development. All children lie at one time or another. This behavior, however, can be very upsetting to parents. Many parents wonder how they should handle their children's lying. How lying is handled often depends on the age of the child, the specific situation, and the established family rules about lying. Below is some information that will help parents determine when lying should and should not be punished, and how it should be handled.

Honesty and dishonesty are learned in the home. Parents are often concerned when their child or adolescent lies.

Lying that is probably not a serious problem—

Young children (ages 4-5) often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy.

An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving (e.g. avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions). Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.

Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents (e.g. denying they sneaked out late at night with friends).

Lying that may indicate emotional problems—

Some children, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.

Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit.

There are also some children and adolescents who are not bothered by lying or taking advantage of others. Other adolescents may frequently use lying to cover up another serious problem. For example, an adolescent with a serious drug or alcohol problem will lie repeatedly to hide the truth about where they have been, who they were with, what they were doing, and where the money went.

What to do if a Child or Adolescent lies—

Parents are the most important role models for their children. When a child or adolescent lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss:

· alternatives to lying
· the difference between make believe and reality, lying and telling the truth
· the importance of honesty at home and in the community

Preschoolers—

Lying is quite common in preschoolers. Children in this age group often don't yet understand that lying is wrong and dishonest. Because of this, parents probably should not punish their preschoolers for lying. Instead, parents should, when their children lie, use the occasions as teaching opportunities. When their preschooler lies, parents should take the opportunity to teach their child why lying is wrong. Preschoolers generally tell two kinds of lies:

*Lies to get something they want or to avoid something they don't want - Preschoolers tell these types of lies for the same reasons that adults do, but they often don't see anything wrong with telling a lie to gain a result they want. When children this age tell these types of lies, parents should try not to overreact. Instead, they should point out to their children that it is wrong to lie, and that it is important to tell the truth.

*Tall tales - Tall tales are when a child makes up a story that isn't true, or greatly exaggerates something that is true. Children this age have vivid imaginations, and are just learning to know the difference between fantasy and reality. When children tell tall tales, they're often expressing things that they wish were true. When children tell tall tales, parents can do two things. First, they can simply listen to their children's stories and leave it at that. Second, parents can try to interject some reality into their children's stories. For example, if a child says something like, "I can ride my tricycle 100 miles an hour," a parent could reply, "You wish you could ride that fast, don't you?"

Even though preschoolers don't generally know that lying is wrong, this is a good time for parents to start teaching them the basics of truth telling. A good place for parents to start is by letting their children know how happy it makes them when their children tell the truth, and that not telling the truth makes it hard for them to develop trust.

Older Children—

As children enter the school age years (6-8 and up), they begin to fully understand the concept that lying is wrong. When children reach this stage, parents should begin disciplining their children when they tell lies. Lying among children in this age group is not uncommon, and there are many reasons why children in this age group lie:

· Because they hear their parents lie - Many children hear their parents and other important adults lying (e.g., lying about their plans in order to avoid something). Children learn from their parents and other adults in their lives, and thus will be more inclined to lie if they hear their parents and other adults telling lies.

· To avoid punishment - Many children this age lie in an attempt to stay out of trouble.

· To boost their self-esteem - Children may stretch the truth in order to get attention or praise from others.

· To get something they want - Children may lie to get something they would like.

· To impress others - In this case, children may tell tall tales to make themselves look good.

· To protect others - Children are very loyal to friends and family members. They may lie to protect someone else.

How to Tell When Children are Lying—

Knowing when their children are telling the truth and when they are not is often a hard task for parents. There are, however, many clues parents can look for to help them figure out whether or not their children are telling the truth.

· Clearness of statements - Parents should listen carefully to what their children tell them. Are there inconsistencies in what their children tell them? Do their statements make sense? Does what they say sound credible?

· Facial expression - When children are telling the truth, they are generally relaxed, and their facial expressions show it. Children who are not telling the truth can be anxious, and their facial expressions may show their anxiety.

· Spontaneity - If children are telling the truth, their statements usually do not sound rehearsed. If statements do sound rehearsed, parents can ask questions and see how their children handle coming up with answers.

What Parents Can Do About Lying—

· Be consistent in treatment of lying. Parents should come up with a set of rules about lying and then stick to them. Children should be disciplined accordingly each time they lie.

· Discipline for lying. Parents should set specific rules for lying, and specific punishments when lying occurs. These rules should be discussed with children before they are enforced. It is a good idea for parents to provide separate punishments for misbehavior and lying. When children misbehave but are honest about it, they should get a lesser punishment than when they misbehave and lie about it.

· Parents should make sure that there is a payoff for being honest. For example, when children are honest about their misdeeds, parents can praise their children for their honesty and then provide punishment for their misdeed. When children are dishonest about their misdeeds, they should provide a punishment for the dishonesty, and a punishment for the misdeed. Parents should be careful, however, not to be too severe or too frequent in their punishment, or their children may continue to lie as a means of protecting themselves.

· Don't set children up. Parents who are sure that their children have done some misdeed should not try to trap them in a lie by asking them whether or not they did it. Many children will lie to protect themselves when they are backed into a corner. Instead, parents should treat the situation matter-of-factly. Parents should explain to their children exactly what they did that was wrong and why, and then provide discipline. Along the same lines, it is also not a good idea for parents to demand confessions from their children or to punish their children for misdeeds that they are not absolutely sure their children did.

· Don't shame children for lying. Parents should try not to make their children feel guilty for lying. Parents can let their children know that they are disappointed with their actions, but they should try hard to avoid sending the message that they are bad people for lying. Instead, parents should make sure their children know that they are being disciplined for their actions, not for who they are.

· Explain/discuss why telling the truth is important. Parents should begin teaching their children the benefits of telling the truth while their children are young. They should be careful to use language that is age-appropriate. Parents should let their children know that telling the truth lets other people know that they can be trusted. They should also let their children know that lying is dishonest, and there are often negative consequences for lying. Parents can discuss examples of truthfulness and lying that they see on television, read in books, etc.

Parents can also help prevent lying in their children by communicating effectively with them. This, too, should start while children are very young. Children who have open, honest relationships with their parents are much less likely to lie to them.

· Figure out why children are lying, then look for solutions. Parents should pay close attention to the lies their children tell. They should try to figure out if there is any specific pattern to their children's lies. If parents figure out specific reasons why their children tell lies, they should then look for specific solutions. For example, when children lie to boost their self esteem, parents should develop a strategy to increase their children's self-esteem, so that they do not have to lie to feel good about themselves.

· Make sure lying is not rewarding for children. Parents should be careful not to reward lying behavior in their children. If, for example, a child lies to get something he wants, parents should make sure he or she does not get it.

· Model truthfulness. Children learn by watching their parents. Parents who lie to their children and in their children's presence are teaching their children that lying is an acceptable behavior. Parents should try to set a good example for their children by being as truthful as possible themselves.

· Praise truthfulness. Parents should make every effort to praise their children when they are being honest. Behavior that is praised is much more likely to be repeated.

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Kids and The News

Kids often see or hear the news many times a day through television, radio, newspapers, magazines, and the Internet. Seeing and hearing about local and world events, such as natural disasters, catastrophic events, and crime reports, may cause kids to experience stress, anxiety, and fears.

There have also been several changes in how news is reported that have given rise to the increased potential for kids to experience negative effects. These changes include the following:

· detailed and repetitive visual coverage of natural disasters and violent acts

· increased reporting of the details of the private lives of public figures and role models

· pressure to get news to the public as part of the competitive nature of the entertainment industry

· television channels and Internet services and sites which report the news 24 hours a day

· television channels broadcasting live events as they are unfolding, in "real time"

While there has been great public debate about providing television ratings to warn parents about violence and sex in regular programming, news shows have only recently been added to these discussions. Research has shown that kids and teens are prone to imitate what they see and hear in the news, a kind of contagion effect described as "copy cat" events. Chronic and persistent exposure to such violence can lead to fear, desensitization (numbing), and in some kids an increase in aggressive and violent behaviors. Studies also show that media broadcasts to not always choose to show things that accurately reflect local or national trends.

For example, statistics report a decrease in the incidence of crime, yet the reporting of crime in the news has increased 240%. Local news shows often lead with or break into programming to announce crime reports and devote as much as 30% of the broadcast time to detailed crime reporting.

The possible negative effects of news can be lessened by parents, teachers, or other adults by watching the news with the kid and talking about what has been seen or heard. The kid's age, maturity, developmental level, life experiences, and vulnerabilities should guide how much and what kind of news the kid watches.

Guidelines for minimizing the negative effects of watching the news include:

· ask the kid what he/she has heard and what questions he/she may have

· look for signs that the news may have triggered fears or anxieties such as sleeplessness, fears, bedwetting, crying, or talking about being afraid

· make sure you have adequate time and a quiet place to talk if you anticipate that the news is going to be troubling or upsetting to the kid

· monitor the amount of time your kid watches news shows

· provide reassurance regarding his/her own safety in simple words emphasizing that you are going to be there to keep him/her safe

· watch the news with your kid

Parents should remember that it is important to talk to the kid or teen about what he/she has seen or heard. This allows parents to lessen the potential negative effects of the news and to discuss their own ideas and values. While kids cannot be completely protected from outside events, parents can help them feel safe and help them to better understand the world around them.

10 TIPS For Talking with Kids about the News—

1. Acknowledge the complexity of the news— Even the most informed parent is sure to have difficulties explaining why people fight wars, or why politicians don't always tell the truth. Even when we can explain them, our children might not understand. It's important that as parents we let our kids know that the news and the world are very complex, and that greater perspective will come with age and continued communication.

2. Acknowledge your child's fears— Even though many of the stories reported in the news may not really happen to you or your child, the fear these stories can bring out is very real. That's why it is important to reassure a child that there are people working to make sure her personal world will remain safe. Try saying something like this to your six to ten-year-old: "I know you feel a little scared by what you saw on the news, but you'll be fine. I am here to protect and take care of you." An older child might be comforted by a few additional details: "Dad and I aren't the only ones watching over you. Adults in the community like neighbors, the police and teachers are all looking out for your safety."

3. Balance your child's news diet— Few parents would allow a child to fill up on an all-chocolate food diet. Thinking about your child's exposure to the news in the same terms can be helpful. It's important to make sure kids have a balanced news diet. The best way to achieve this is to know your child's news environment, that is when, where and what kind of news your child is exposed to. Is your daughter listening to news radio while you drive her to school in the morning, or is she watching crime scene footage on TV news shows that follow her favorite afternoon cartoon? Whatever the case, balance your child's news diet by setting clear limits. Make it known to your son that he can only watch the news when you are in the room to watch with him, or limit him to only news sources that are less violence-oriented, like network newscasts. Experience the news with your child, and balance his news diet by talking with him about what he sees. The same way a nutritious diet, rich with plenty of fruits and vegetables, helps promote healthy growth for kids' bodies, a balanced news diet, rich in communication and the perspective parents provide, promotes growth for their minds.

4. Create an open dialogue— The best way to make sure kids know they are safe, is to talk with them about what they see and hear. If your child is worried about the country going to war, talk with him about the chances of that happening and what it would mean for his safety. Additionally, let your children know not to be ashamed or afraid to talk with you whenever they see something they don't understand. Use the news as an opportunity to discuss tough issues with your kids. We know it is important to talk with our kids about tough issues, but there isn't always enough time in the day to sit down for a long talk. Also, kids tend to resist formal discussions, often thinking they are in for another lecture from mom or dad. But if we use "talk opportunities," moments that arise in everyday life, our kids are less likely to tune us out. For instance, a newspaper item about a child expelled from school for a carrying a gun to class can help you start a discussion on guns and violence.

5. Explore the age appropriateness of the news you allow your children to see— Whether and how kids should consume the news really depends on the child and how that news is presented. As parents, we all sense that kids today are growing up too fast. The simple truth is that they have access to much more information than previous generations. To help you decide what's right for your child, Talking with Kids describes three different age groups and possible effects of their exposure to news. Keep in mind these generalizations may not be true for all children.

Preschool age (under age six) kids have a limited ability to discern the fantasy of an entertainment show from the reality of news. In most cases they don't really see a difference between a car wreck on TV news and a car wreck in the movies. At the same time, kids in this age range are as likely to be afraid of what they see on the news as they are of dragons, or other fictional worries. Most experts do warn, however, that prolonged exposure to news and other media can lead to the "desensitization" kids. That is, commonplace crime and violence seen in the news and other media can work to reduce the emotional response of even the most shocking images among viewers. Parents should use caution when allowing preschool children to be exposed to all types of media. Talking with Kids strongly cautions against allowing your preschooler to watch the news without your supervision.

Psychologically, kids between the ages of six and ten are most vulnerable to what they see on the news. They know the difference between fantasy and reality, but they lack perspective. Instead of worrying about monsters under the bed, they tend to worry about real dangers like kidnapping, car wrecks and tornadoes. During this time, it is most important to watch the news and other media with your child. If you find these things especially disturb him, consider turning the news off. Remember that children will not understand the frequency with which events occur. If they hear about break-ins, injury, and murder in their area (even if the area is a large one that contains millions of people), the fact that the event was important enough to be covered will lead them to believe that these are very common events. Help children develop a realistic sense of danger and limit their exposure to gruesome reviews of crime and injury.

Adolescents (age 11 and up) have grown to be much more media savvy. They have a better understanding of fact and fiction and are expanding their own perspective on a daily basis. But their constant exposure to media and peers can lead to conflicting information and confusion. As the parent of an adolescent, you can't be there to monitor everything your child is exposed to, but it is extremely important to check in with her about the media and other issues she is beginning to experience.

6. Explore the facts with your child— At times it may be necessary to provide your child with more factual information than is provided in a news report. For example, a news report on the increasing number of people with HIV/AIDS may mean additional facts are needed to properly explain the disease to your child. Research the facts with your child about how the disease is transmitted and what can be done to prevent it. Make sure you look at safety and prevention measures when researching topics.

7. Let your kids know the difference between news and reality— Is the news real? If you mean did the reported story actually happen somewhere in the world, yes the news is completely real. But the news media can lead people to believe that the stories reported are closer to home, or that they happen more often than they do in real life. Violence in schools is an example of a prevalent story in the news. So prominent in fact, that adults and kids alike are afraid that violence is sure to happen in their schools. The reality, however, reveals that there is less than a one in two million chance that a child will be injured during a violent outbreak at school. Make sure your kids know that just because they saw it on the news, it doesn't mean it is likely to happen to them.

8. Select kid-friendly news sources for your child— All news is not created equal. Take care to select good news sources for your kids. Generally speaking, TV news, especially local news shows, tend to focus on issues like crime and violence. Newspapers are often seen as a better source to get more in-depth news coverage with background and context. Network news usually focuses less on crime and violence than local news. However, there are local news stations committed to presenting "family friendly" newscasts with more responsible reporting. Look for these stations in your area. Also keep in mind that there are news sources created just for kids. Nick News on the children's network Nickelodeon is an example of a program designed to report on issues that kids care about in a way they can understand. There are also many Web sites and magazines dedicated to news for kids. For adolescents, consider subscribing to magazines that focus on news and issues important to your child.

9. Share your feelings about the news you see— As a parent, you have the opportunity to be the first person to instill in your child your sense of values and moral principles. The "just-the-facts" explanations of a news report may leave a child confused about right and wrong. Remember, research shows that children want and need moral guidance from their parents. Try starting off a conversation with something like "That news report about gun violence bothers me, because I don't believe guns should be kept were kids can reach them."

10. Watch or read the news with your kids— A great way to alleviate the fear and confusion of the news is to share the experience with your child. By reading the newspaper together in the morning or watching a nightly news broadcast with your child, you will be able to know exactly what they are being exposed to and can talk with them about it. If you see something that may be upsetting to your child, don't be afraid to strike up a conversation on the subject. For younger children, you may also consider setting rules against watching the news when you aren't around.

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