Children & The Internet

Most moms teach their kids not to talk with strangers, not to open the door if they are home alone, and not to give out information on the telephone to unknown callers. Most moms also monitor where their kids go, who they play with, and what TV shows, books, or magazines they are exposed to. However, many moms don't realize that the same level of guidance and supervision must be provided for a child's online experience.

Moms cannot assume that their child will be protected by the supervision or regulation provided by the online services. Most "chat rooms" or "news groups" are completely unsupervised. Because of the anonymous nature of the "screen name," kids who communicate with others in these areas will not know if they are "talking" with another child or a child predator pretending to be a child or teen. Unlike the mail and visitors that a parent sees a child receive at home, e-mail or "chat room" activity is not seen by the parent. Unfortunately, there can be serious consequences to kids who have been persuaded to give personal information, (e.g. name, passwords, phone number, email or home address) or have agreed to meet someone in person.

Some of the other risks or problems include:

• kids accessing areas that are inappropriate or overwhelming
• kids being invited to register for prizes or to join a club when they are providing personal or household information to an unknown source
• kids being mislead and bombarded with intense advertising
• hours spent online is time lost from developing real social skills and from physical activity and exercise
• online information that promotes hate, violence, and pornography

In order to make a child's online experience more safe and educational, moms and dads should:

• insist that a child follow the same guidelines at other computers that they might have access to, such as those at school, libraries, or friends' homes
• limit the amount of time a child spends online and "surfing the web"
• make use of the parental control features offered with your online service, or obtaining commercially available software programs, to restrict access to "chat lines," news groups, and inappropriate websites
• monitor the content of a child's personal webpage (homepage) and screen name profile information
• never give a child credit card numbers or passwords that will enable online purchases or access to inappropriate services or sites
• provide for an individual e-mail address only if a child is mature enough to manage it, and plan to periodically monitor the child's e-mail and online activity
• remind a child that not everything they see or read online is true
• teach a child never to give out any personal identifying information to another individual or website online
• teach a child that talking to "screen names" in a "chat room" is the same as talking with strangers
• teach a child to never agree to actually meet someone they have met online
• teach a child to use the same courtesy in communicating with others online as they would if speaking in person -- i.e. no vulgar or profane language, no name calling, etc.

Moms and dads should remember that communicating online does not prepare kids for real interpersonal relationships. Spending time with a child initially exploring an online service and periodically participating with a child in the online experience gives moms and dads an opportunity to monitor and supervise the activity. It is also an opportunity to learn together.

Is Facebook a Healthy Choice for Teens?

Let me be clear: I trust my 15-year-old son, and he's never given me reason not to. But trust in him isn't really the issue in our household these days as his yearning for a Facebook account grows stronger daily.

The answer has been "no" for some time now. My wife and I have heard all the horror stories about online social sites, not just the ones about predators posing as potential friends, but also about silly kids posting images and comments that they later come to regret having shared with the world -- not to mention the hours wasted by Facebook-addicted kids. Is this particular social-networking site a healthy choice?

I do want to keep an open mind. He and I just returned from a wonderful, 11-day trip to Europe with a multi-school chorus. The kids had a fabulous time, spending every waking hour with one another. And then, suddenly, it was over, and everyone scattered across the state to their hometowns. I know my son feels bereft, knowing he won't see them until the chorus program resumes in the fall.

These were all great kids, all of them apparently smart, accomplished, and wholesome. The parents accompanying them seemed like fine, upstanding, responsible, and caring folks. And many of them had allowed (though some reluctantly) their kids to have Facebook accounts. Not MySpace, mind you -- everyone agreed that the more loosely controlled spot is not right for teens. But Facebook, with its available privacy controls, is working out okay for many of these young people.

Facebook-allowing parents on the trip cautioned that some rules are in order, chief among them that the parent has the password to the account and makes it clear that he or she will be checking the page frequently. Don't just threaten to check, either, they suggested, but actually do so, often. They also suggested a serious talk about what's appropriate, and inappropriate, for kids to post. (Anything that might be embarrassing if a future employer saw it, for instance, is taboo.)

I believe my son would abide by the rules. But he's still a kid, and I don't know if it's fair, or healthy, to fully trust his still-maturing judgment about what's appropriate and what's not. And I have no way of gauging his friends' judgment and maturity. What if one of them has a bad day and says something mean or embarrassing to all my kid's Facebook buddies? Worse yet, what if a friend turns on him altogether and sets out to make his life miserable by spreading untruths or secrets shared in confidence?

I'm also curious as to whether Facebook really is as impervious to intruders as it's said to be. My understanding is that once a kid joins a Facebook "group," which seems to be the thing to do, their profile is open to every member of that group, whether they know them or not, unless they specifically go in and set up their account otherwise. And what about the ads that appear on the page; are they for things I want my son exposed to?

Mark

Online Parent Support

"Finally, An Internet Monitoring Software That Records Everything Your Child Does When They Go Online"

Teens & Tobacco—

Children's addiction to nicotine from cigarette smoking, smokeless tobacco (chew), and cigars is a major public health problem.

The Facts about teen smoking:

• Approximately 3,000 teenagers start smoking every day and one-third of them will die prematurely of a smoking related disease (American Cancer Society).
• Cigarette smoking and tobacco use are associated with many forms of cancer.
• High school students who smoke cigarettes are more likely to take risks such as ignoring seat belts, getting into physical fights, carrying weapons, and having sex at an earlier age.
• Most adult smokers started smoking before the age of 18.
• Nearly 3 million U.S. teenagers smoke.
• Smoking is the main cause of lung and heart disease.
• Smoking worsens existing medical problems, such as asthma, high blood pressure and diabetes.
• The earlier a person starts smoking, the greater the risk to his or her health and the harder it is to quit.
• Tobacco is considered to be a Agateway drug@ which may lead to alcohol, marijuana, and other illegal drug use.
• Tobacco use continues to be the most common cause of preventable disease and death in the United States.

Children at MOST risk for Tobacco use:

• are very influenced by advertisements that relate cigarette smoking to being thin and/or suffer from eating disorders
• deny the harmful effects of tobacco
• exhibit characteristics such as toughness and acting grown up
• have fewer coping skills and smoke to alleviate stress
• have parents, siblings, or friends who smoke
• have poor academic performance, especially girls
• have poor self esteem and depression

What Parents can do to prevent Tobacco use:

• Ask about tobacco use by friends; compliment children who do not smoke.
• Ask whether tobacco is discussed in school.
• Discuss with your children the false and misleading images used in advertising and movies which portray smoking as glamorous, healthy, sexy, and mature.
• Do not allow smoking in your home and strictly enforce your No Smoking rule.
• Do not allow your children to handle smoking materials.
• Do not allow your children to play with candy cigarettes. They are symbols of real cigarettes, and young children who use them may be more likely to smoke.
• Emphasize that nicotine is addictive.
• Emphasize the short-term negative effects such as bad breath, yellowed fingers, smelly clothes, shortness of breath, and decreased performance in sports.
• Help children to say "No" to tobacco by role playing situations in which tobacco is offered by peers.
• Make tobacco less readily available to children and teensCsupport higher taxes on tobacco, licensing of vendors, and bans on unattended vending machines.
• Parents are role models. If you smoke, quit. If you have not quit, do not smoke in front of your children and tell them you regret that you started.
• Support school and community anti-smoking efforts and tell school officials you expect them to enforce no smoking policies.

If your child or teen has already begun to use tobacco, the following steps can help him or her to stop:

• Advise him/her to stop. Be non-confrontational, supportive, and respectful.
• Assist his/her efforts to quit and express your desire to help.
• Enlist the child's pediatrician or family physician to help the child stop smoking.
• Help your youngster identify personally relevant reasons to quit.
• If the child is abusing other drugs and/or alcohol or there are problems with mood or other disorders, evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional may be indicated.
• If you smoke, agree to quit with your child and negotiate a quit date.
• Provide educational materials.

A Message To Your Teenage Daughter—

Do you smoke? Have you ever stopped to think about how smoking is affecting your body and your life? Most teens are aware that people who have smoked for awhile can get lung cancer and emphysema and eventually die, but many don't know about all of the bad things that smoking can to them right now. If you smoke, you owe it to yourself to find out about the effects of smoking on your life now. This guide provides some information about what smoking is doing to your body and some of the common reasons why people keep smoking even though they know it's bad for them. These are important things to think about to help you decide if you should continue smoking.

Why is cigarette smoking bad for me?

Everyone knows that smoking can cause cancer when you get older, but did you know that it also has bad effects on your body right now? A cigarette contains about 4000 chemicals, many of which are poisonous. Some of the worst ones are:

• Nicotine: a deadly poison
• Arsenic: used in rat poison
• Methane: a component of rocket fuel
• Ammonia: found in floor cleaner
• Cadmium: used in batteries
• Carbon Monoxide: part of car exhaust
• Formaldehyde: used to preserve body tissue
• Butane: lighter fluid
• Hydrogen Cyanide: the poison used in gas chambers

Every time you inhale smoke from a cigarette, small amounts of these chemicals get into your blood through your lungs. They travel to all the parts of your body and cause harm.

What do all these chemicals do to my body?

As you might imagine, even small amounts of the poisonous chemicals in cigarettes can do bad things to your body. Here are some facts about what smoking cigarettes does to you:

• Smoking makes you smell bad, gives you wrinkles, stains your teeth, and gives you bad breath.
• Smokers get 3 times more cavities than non-smokers.
• Smoking lowers your hormone levels.
• When smokers catch a cold, they are more likely than non-smokers to have a cough that lasts a long time. They are also more likely than non-smokers to get bronchitis and pneumonia.
• Teen smokers have smaller lungs and a weaker heart than teen non-smokers. They also get sick more often than teens who don't smoke.

What happens to my lungs when I smoke?

Every time you inhale smoke from a cigarette, you kill some of the air sacks in your lungs, called alveoli. These air sacks are where the oxygen that you breathe in is transferred into your blood. Alveoli don't grow back, so when you destroy them, you have permanently destroyed part of your lungs. This means that you won't do as well in activities where breathing is important, like sports, dancing, or singing.

Smoking paralyzes the cilia that line your lungs. Cilia are little hairlike structures that move back and forth to sweep particles out of your lungs. When you smoke, the cilia can't move and can't do their job. So dust, pollen, and other things that you inhale sit in your lungs and build up. Also, there are a lot of particles in smoke that get into your lungs. Since your cilia are paralyzed because of the smoke and can't clean them out, the particles sit in your lungs and form tar.

I know smoking is bad for me, but I really like it.

Many teens like the feeling that smoking gives them. This good feeling is from the nicotine in the cigarettes. Some teens think smoking will help them lose weight or stay thin. Many teens also feel like smoking gives them a sense of freedom and independence, and some smoke to feel more comfortable in social situations. If this sounds like you, you should stop and think about whether the things you like about smoking are really worth the risks.

• Nicotine can make you feel good, but is feeling good (a feeling you can also get from healthy activities like playing sports) really worth all the bad things cigarettes do to you? If you smoke, you'll get sick more often. You also have the chance of getting lung cancer or emphysema, which will make you really sick for a long time before you die. If you are very sick, that good feeling from nicotine won't seem so important anymore.
• Smoking doesn't really help people lose weight. If that were true, every smoker would be thin.
• Smoking lowers your hormone levels.

Do you think that smoking is a sign that you can do what you want? That you are in control of your life?

Think about it this way: When you decide to start smoking, you are doing exactly what tobacco companies want you to do. They spend millions of dollars every year on advertising to try to get new people, especially teens, to smoke. Once they have you hooked, THEY are controlling YOU. You are forced to buy their products in order to support your addiction. Do you really want a big corporation controlling your life and telling you how to spend your money?

Why should I stop smoking if I'm not addicted?

Many people don't realize they are addicted to smoking. They think they can easily quit any time they want. But when they try, they forget it is extremely difficult. Unfortunately, it is very easy to get addicted. Cigarettes are just as addictive as cocaine or heroin. Even if you only smoke one or two cigarettes a day and even if you've never bought a pack of cigarettes yourself, you are at risk. Stressful situations or hanging out with friends who smoke might cause you to smoke more and become addicted. Try going a whole week without smoking at all. If you find this difficult, you are probably addicted to cigarettes.

If I quit smoking, won't I gain weight?

Many people are afraid to quit smoking because they think they will gain weight. In reality, many do gain a little but not enough to change how they look. People don't gain weight because they stop smoking. They gain weight because they start eating more. Often, people confuse the feeling of craving nicotine with hunger and eat to try to make this uncomfortable feeling go away. Smokers are also used to having something in their hands and in their mouth, so they may pick up food to replace holding a cigarette. To keep from gaining weight, try these things:

• Drink sips of water instead of eating when you feel uncomfortable.
• Eat carrot or celery sticks or other healthy, low calorie foods.
• Exercise. This will also help take your mind off smoking and make you healthier.
• Keep busy. You will be less likely to eat when you're not really hungry if you are doing other things.

I'll quit in a year or two when I'm ready.

A lot of people put off quitting smoking, thinking that they'll do it when the time is right. Only 5% of teens think they will still be smoking in 5 years. Actually, about 75% of them are still smoking more than five years later. If you smoke, it will never seem like the right time to quit and quitting will never be easy. The longer you smoke, the harder it will be to stop and the more damage you will do to your body. Here are some reasons to quit sooner rather than later:

• Most teens would rather date a non-smoker.
• You'll save money if you quit smoking. A pack of cigarettes costs about $5.00. Even if you only smoke a couple packs a week, you're spending about $40 per month and $480 per year on smoking. Think of all the other things you could use that money for.
• You only have one pair of lungs. Any damage you do to them now will be with you for the rest of your life.
• The longer you smoke, the better your chances are of dying from it. One out of 3 smokers die from smoking and many more become very sick. Think about your friends who smoke. 1/3 of them will die from smoking if none of you quit

Smoking can have serious effects on your life. The longer you smoke, the more damage you do to your body and your health. Most people who begin smoking as teens say that they wish they had never started. The decision to start or continue smoking is all up to you and no one can make you stop, but you should think really hard about whether it is the best thing for your body and your life.

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Children & Movies

Watching movies, videos, and DVDs can be a fun activity in which kids and adolescents can use their imagination and fantasy. Parents should, however, consider the following issues when planning to watch movies at a theatre or at home:

• Although going to a movie theater can be exciting, movies can create anxiety for kids with loud noises and frightening and upsetting scenes.
• Having a TV, VCR, or DVD player in kids and adolescents’ bedrooms encourages movie watching without adult supervision.
• If parents are unsure whether a movie is appropriate, they should view the movie in private before watching it as a family.
• Movies should not replace child-care or be left on as background noise.
• Older kids and adolescents may copy risky and possibly dangerous things they see in movies.
• Some kids cannot tolerate the darkness of a movie theater, even with their parents present.
• Viewing movies with sex, violence, drug abuse, adult themes, and offensive language can have a negative effect on kids and adolescents. Many movies are not appropriate for kids or teenagers.
• Younger kids may have trouble telling the difference between make-believe and reality. They can be upset when a parent figure dies in a movie or frightening things happen to kids.

Tips and Recommendations for Parents:

• All ages of kids should have their movie watching supervised by their parents or adult caretakers.
• Check a movie’s Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) rating and read reviews before it is viewed. Movie reviews can be found online, and on AACAP’s website.
• Deciding when a teenager can go to a movie without parental supervision depends on the teenagers’ maturity and the friends going with your teenager.
• Discuss upsetting or frightening events seen in a movie.
• Parents can and should be active participants in their kids and adolescents’ movie watching experiences.
• Turn the movie off or leave the theater if your child becomes upset or frightened.
• Use the same care and attention to a movie’s content when choosing a movie to watch at home for a child or adolescent as you would a movie in the theater.

Watching movies together can be a rewarding experience. It can be an opportunity for your child to have fun with family and friends. If your child or adolescent, however, develops strong and persistent emotional reactions or behavior from seeing a movie, then consider having your child evaluated by a qualified mental health professional.

Movies Influence Youngsters' Perceptions About Alcohol—

When pretending to shop for a social evening, kids two to six years old were nearly four times as likely to choose cigarettes if their parents smoked and kids who viewed PG-13- or R-rated movies were five times as likely to choose wine or beer, according to a study in the September 2005 issue of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, one of the JAMA/Archives journals.

Most tobacco and alcohol prevention studies target kids during adolescence, the peak age for initiating alcohol and tobacco use, but early exposure to these behaviors through family members, community and social events and media may influence attitudes and expectations about alcohol and tobacco use long before kids ever consider using these products themselves, according to background information in the article. Young kids's attitudes have been difficult to assess because of their limited language skills.

Madeline A. Dalton, Ph.D., of Dartmouth College, Hanover, N. H., and colleagues used a role-playing scenario to assess preschoolers' attitudes, expectation and perceptions of tobacco and alcohol use and compared their observations with parent surveys on their own alcohol and tobacco use and their kid's movie viewing.

Kids three to six years of age were given two dolls. They were asked to pretend to be one of the dolls and the researcher pretended to be the other, a friend who was invited over to watch a movie and have something to eat.

When the "friend" commented that there was nothing to eat, the child was invited to "shop" at a doll grocery store. The child's purchase of alcohol and tobacco products at the "store" and subsequent inclusion of alcohol and tobacco products in the social setting were recorded. For kids two years of age, the scenario was simplified to just asking the kids to select a doll and take it shopping.

Play Behavior Suggests Expectations

The kids purchased an average of 17 of the 73 products in the store. Of the 120 kids participating in the study, 34 (28.3 percent) bought cigarettes and 74 (61.7 percent) bought alcohol. Kids were 3.9 times as likely to buy cigarettes if their parents smoked. Kids were three times as likely to choose wine or beer if their parents drank alcohol at least once a month; kids who viewed PG-13- or R-rated movies were five times as likely to choose wine or beer.

"Kid's play behavior suggests that they are highly attentive to the use and enjoyment of alcohol and tobacco and have well-established expectations about how cigarettes and alcohol fit into social settings," the researchers report. "Several kids were also highly aware of cigarette brands, as illustrated by the six-year-old boy who was able to identify the brand of cigarettes he was buying as Marlboros but could not identify the brand of his favorite cereal as Lucky Charms."

Process of Initiation

"The data suggest that observation of adult behavior, especially parental behavior, may influence preschool kids to view smoking and drinking as appropriate or normative in social situations," the authors conclude. "Although it is not clear whether these expectations predict future use, the data provide compelling evidence that the process of 'initiation,' which typically involves shifts in attitudes and expectations about the behavior, begins as young as three years of age.

"The results from this study suggest that alcohol and tobacco prevention efforts may need to be targeted toward younger kids and their parents."

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Sibling Rivalry—

Sibling Rivalry—

While many children are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it's very common for brothers and sisters to fight. (It's also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!)

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child is born, and continues as the children grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As children reach different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch — and hear — your children fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and help your children get along.

Why Do My Children Fight?

Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also might influence how often children fight and how severe the fighting gets. These include:

• Special needs/sick children. Sometimes, a child's special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Other children may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's happening to the other child.

• Role models. The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for children. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your children see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

• Individual temperaments. Your children' individual temperaments — including mood, disposition, and adaptability — and their unique personalities play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one child is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. Similarly, a child who is especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.

• Evolving needs. It's natural for children' changing needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which they'll do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older child may react aggressively. School-age children often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one child gets preferential treatment. Teens, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the way children fight with one another.

What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?

While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict. So what should you do when the fighting starts?

Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one child that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued children may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" children through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the children.

Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your children, not for them.

When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:

• Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
• Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.
• Separate children until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.

Remember, as children cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

Helping Children Get Along

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:

• Be proactive in giving your children one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.

• Don't let children make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.

• Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your children to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many children fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.

• If fights between your school-age children are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the children earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

• If your children frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)

• Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met.

• Make sure children have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

• Recognize when children just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.

• Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches children that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."

• Show and tell your children that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.

Keep in mind that sometimes children fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

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