Multiracial Children

Multiracial kids are one of the fastest growing segments of the U.S. population. The number of mixed-race families in America is steadily increasing, due to a rise in interracial marriages and relationships, as well as an increase in trans-racial and international adoptions. Publicity surrounding prominent Americans of mixed cultural heritage, such as athletes, actors, musicians, and politicians, has highlighted the issues of multicultural individuals and challenged long-standing views of race. However, despite some changes in laws and evolving social attitudes, multiracial kids still face significant challenges.

Unfortunately, it is also important to prepare multiracial kids for the inevitable racial taunts that they will encounter. Share stories of racism and prejudice so that they know it’s not new, they’re not alone, it happens to everyone, and that it happens out of ignorance and from people who can’t see past their own perspectives. You can’t really shield them from it, but if you give them the tools to deal with it and a level of comfort with people of all colors, that will give them a sense of comfort in the world, a strong sense of who they are, and respect for everyone else.

Prejudice can manifest itself as early as preschool, so kids need to be given the tools to know how to deal with it and to know that they can go to their parents about it. There are universal lessons to be learned from injustice--about good and bad, and how injustice happens.

In the United States marriages between blacks and whites increased 400 percent in the last 30 years, with a 1000 percent increase in marriages between whites and Asians. In a recent survey, 47% of white teens, 60 % of black teens, and 90 % of Hispanic teens said they had dated someone of another race. And about two million American kids have parents of difference races.

Kids in a multiracial family may have different racial identities from one another. Their racial identity is influenced by their individual physical features, family attachments and support, and experiences with racial groups.

Multiracial kids in divorced families may have greater difficulties accepting and valuing the cultures of both parents.

Recent research has shown that multiracial kids do not differ from other kids in self-esteem, comfort with themselves, or number of psychiatric problems. Also, they tend to be high achievers with a strong sense of self and tolerance of diversity.

Research has shown that kids with a true multiracial or multicultural identity generally grow up to be happier than multiracial kids who grow up with a "single-race" identity.

To cope with society biases, mixed-race kids may develop a public identity with the "minority" race, while maintaining a private interracial identity with family and friends.

Some interracial families face discrimination in their communities. Some kids from multiracial families report teasing, whispers, and stares when with their family.

Parents can help their kids cope with these pressures by establishing open communication in the family about race and cultures, and by allowing curiosity about differences in skin color, hair texture, and facial features among family members. Parents can also help their kids in the following ways:

Understand that kids may have feelings of guilt or disloyalty to a parent if they choose to adopt the racial identity and/or culture of one parent. Recognize that kids may identify with different parts of their heritage at different stages of development or in varied settings in order to "fit in."

Locate books, textbooks, and movies that portray multiracial individuals as positive role models, as well as books about the lives of multicultural families.

Establish support networks for your child from the school, grandparents, relatives, neighbors, and the greater community.

Encourage and support a multicultural life for the whole family, including becoming familiar with language, traditions, and customs of all family members. Live in a diverse community where the sense of being different or unacceptable is minimized.

Assist kids with developing coping skills to handle questions and/or biases about their background. Help kids deal with racism without feeling personally assaulted.

For the majority of multiracial kids, growing up associated with multiple races and cultures is enriching, rewarding, and contributes to healthy adult adjustment. Some multiracial kids may be uncomfortable with their diverse heritages and may benefit from supportive counseling to help them clarify their feelings.

Ultimately, parenting is aimed at helping kids form a strong sense of identity and pride in themselves as individuals. It is about helping the kids feel secure and comfortable with themselves in our world. Now, how one does this is the tricky part and really depends on the family involved. Some parents foster in their kids a sense that they are true international citizens, belonging to three countries (mom’s, dad’s, and America). Others say they are true Americans, multiracial in a country of many races. Some say that they are half one ethnicity and half another. Others say that they are fully both ethnicities. Hawaiians group them together as hapas. At some level, it is just a matter of semantics. But for kids creating a place for themselves in the world, the exact semantics can be critical. The only thing that is certain is that because they are born in America, they are American and they are changing the face of America.

Being multiracial is a gift, an asset, and a privilege. It allows them to cross a lot of boundaries. You have a key to a door that most people are going to have to work very hard to know even exists. You are a child of two ethnicities so you have twice what other people have. You are not burdened with only one perspective, which is hard to see past. You can look at things more than one way because you come from more than one way.

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Understanding Teens

Middle School and Early High School Years—

Moms & dads are often worried or confused by changes in their adolescents. The following information should help moms & dads understand this phase of development. Each adolescent is an individual with a unique personality and special interests, likes and dislikes. However, there are also numerous developmental issues that everyone faces during the adolescent years. The normal feelings and behaviors of the middle school and early high school adolescent are described below.

Movement Towards Independence:

· Complaints that moms & dads interfere with independence
· Feeling awkward or strange about one's self and one's body
· Focus on self, alternating between high expectations and poor self-esteem
· Improved ability to use speech to express one's self
· Interests and clothing style influenced by peer group
· Less overt affection shown to moms & dads, with occasional rudeness
· Moodiness
· Realization that moms & dads are not perfect; identification of their faults
· Struggle with sense of identity
· Tendency to return to childish behavior, particularly when stressed

Future Interests and Cognitive Changes:

· Greater ability to do work (physical, mental, emotional)
· Intellectual interests expand and gain in importance
· Mostly interested in present, with limited thoughts of the future

Sexuality:

· Concerns regarding physical and sexual attractiveness to others
· Display shyness, blushing, and modesty
· Frequently changing relationships
· Girls develop physically sooner than boys
· Increased interest in sex
· Movement toward heterosexuality with fears of homosexuality
· Worries about being normal

Morals, Values, and Self-Direction:

· Capacity for abstract thought
· Development of ideals and selection of role models
· Experimentation with sex and drugs (cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana)
· More consistent evidence of conscience
· Rule and limit testing

Young adolescents do vary slightly from the above descriptions, but the feelings and behaviors are, in general, considered normal for each stage of adolescence.

Late High School Years and Beyond—

Movement towards Independence:

· Ability to think ideas through
· Conflict with moms & dads begins to decrease
· Examination of inner experiences
· Firmer and more cohesive sense of identity
· Increased ability for delayed gratification and compromise
· Increased concern for others
· Increased emotional stability
· Increased independent functioning
· Increased self-reliance
· Peer relationships remain important and take an appropriate place among other interests

Future Interests and Cognitive Changes:

· Increased concern for the future
· More importance is placed on one's role in life
· Work habits become more defined

Sexuality:

· Development of more serious relationships
· Feelings of love and passion
· Firmer sense of sexual identity
· Increased capacity for tender and sensual love

Morals, Values, and Self-Direction:

· Capacity to use insight
· Greater capacity for setting goals
· Increased emphasis on personal dignity and self-esteem
· Interest in moral reasoning
· Social and cultural traditions regain some of their previous importance

Older adolescents do vary slightly from the above descriptions, but the feelings and behaviors are, in general, considered normal for each stage of adolescence.

Physical Development—

During the teen years, adolescents experience changes in their physical development at a rate of speed unparalleled since infancy. Physical development includes:

· Continued brain development. Recent research suggests that adolescents' brains are not completely developed until late in adolescence. Specifically, studies suggest that the connections between neurons affecting emotional, physical and mental abilities are incomplete. This could explain why some adolescents seem to be inconsistent in controlling their emotions, impulses, and judgments.

· Development of secondary sex characteristics. During puberty, changing hormonal levels play a role in activating the development of secondary sex characteristics. These include: (1) growth of pubic hair; (2) menarche (first menstrual period for girls) or penis growth (for boys); (3) voice changes (for boys); (4) growth of underarm hair; (5) facial hair growth (for boys); and (6) increased production of oil, increased sweat gland activity, and the beginning of acne.

· Rapid gains in height and weight. During a one-year growth spurt, boys and girls can gain an average of 4.1 inches and 3.5 inches in height respectively. This spurt typically occurs two years earlier for girls than for boys. Weight gain results from increased muscle development in boys and body fat in girls.

How Do These Changes Affect Adolescents?

· Teenage girls may become overly sensitive about their weight. This concern arises because of the rapid weight gain associated with puberty. Sixty percent of adolescent girls report that they are trying to lose weight. A small percentage of adolescent girls (1-3%) become so obsessed with their weight that they develop severe eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia. Anorexia nervosa refers to starvation; bulimia refers to binge eating and vomiting.

· Adolescents frequently sleep longer. Research suggests that adolescents actually need more sleep to allow their bodies to conduct the internal work required for such rapid growth. On average, adolescents need about 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night.

· Adolescents may ask more direct questions about sex. At this stage, adolescents are trying to figure out their sexual values. Adolescents often equate intimacy with sex. Rather than exploring a deep emotional attachment first, adolescents tend to assume that if they engage in the physical act, the emotional attachment will follow. They may ask questions about how to abstain without becoming embarrassed or about how they will know when the time is right. They may also have specific questions about methods of birth control and protection from sexually transmitted diseases.

· Adolescents may be concerned because they are not physically developing at the same rate as their peers. Adolescents may be more developed than their peers ("early-maturers") or less developed than their peers ("late-maturers"). Being out of developmental "step" with peers is a concern to adolescents because most just want to fit in. Early maturation affects boys and girls differently. Research suggests that early maturing boys tend to be more popular with peers and hold more leadership positions. Adults often assume that early maturing boys are cognitively mature as well. This assumption can lead to false expectations about a young person's ability to take on increased responsibility. Because of their physical appearance, early maturing girls are more likely to experience pressure to become involved in dating relationships with older boys before they are emotionally ready. Early maturing girls tend to suffer more from depression, eating disorders, and anxiety.

· Adolescents may be more clumsy because of growth spurts. If it seems to you that adolescents' bodies are all arms and legs then your perception is correct. During this phase of development, body parts don't all grow at the same rate. This can lead to clumsiness as the teen tries to cope with limbs that seem to have grown overnight. Adolescents can appear gangly and uncoordinated.

· Adolescents may feel awkward about demonstrating affection to the opposite sex parent. As they develop physically, adolescents are beginning to rethink their interactions with the opposite sex. An adolescent girl who used to hug and kiss her dad when he returned home from work may now shy away. A boy who used to kiss his mother good night may now wave to her on his way up the stairs.

What Can You Do?

Knowledge about what changes and behaviors during adolescence are normal can go a long way in helping both adolescents and adults manage the transition successfully. There are also some specific things adults can do to be supportive:

· Be patient with excessive grooming habits. Adolescents often spend large amounts of time grooming themselves and obsessing over skin care products. Often, this behavior merely reflects adolescents' attempts to maintain some sense of control over their rapidly changing bodies.

· Be understanding of their need for physical space. Do not take it personally if your teen is not as physically affectionate as he or she was in the past. Do not force your teen to hug or kiss relatives or family friends. Maintain communication, but respect adolescents' need to withdraw.

· Don't criticize or compare the adolescents to others. Adolescents are already acutely self-conscious about the way they look. They don't need you to point it out to them.

· Encourage and model healthy eating habits. Keep plenty of nutritious foods in the house. Remember that adolescents need to take in more calories to fuel their growth. Monitor eating habits accordingly.

· Encourage and model physical activity. Exercise will help adolescents burn excess energy, strengthen developing muscles, and sleep better at night. It may also help adolescents become more comfortable in their changing bodies.

· Encourage adolescents to get enough sleep. Realize they may need an extra boost in getting out of bed for school. Try to be understanding when adolescents want to sleep until noon on Saturday.

· Provide honest answers to adolescents about sex. Adolescents are in search of knowledge on this subject. If adults do not provide accurate information, adolescents are forced to rely on their peers or other potentially inaccurate sources. Unfortunately, such erroneous information is often to blame when adolescents make poor decisions.

Cognitive Development—

Most adults recognize that adolescents have better thinking skills than younger youth. These advances in thinking can be divided into several areas:

· Developing abstract thinking skills. Abstract thinking means thinking about things that cannot be seen, heard, or touched. Examples include things like faith, trust, beliefs and spirituality.

· Developing advanced reasoning skills. Advanced reasoning skills include the ability to think about multiple options and possibilities. It includes a more logical thought process and the ability to think about things hypothetically. It involves asking and answering the question, "what if...?".

· Developing the ability to think about thinking in a process known as "meta-cognition." Meta-cognition allows individuals to think about how they feel and what they are thinking. It involves being able to think about how one is perceived by others. It can also be used to develop strategies, also known as mnemonic devices, for improving learning. Remembering the notes on the lines of a music staff (e, g, b, d, and f) through the phrase "every good boy does fine" is an example of such a mnemonic device.

How Do These Changes Affect Adolescents?

· Adolescents demonstrate a heightened level of self-consciousness. Adolescents tend to believe that everyone is as concerned with their thoughts and behaviors as they are. This leads adolescents to believe that they have an "imaginary audience" of people who are always watching them.

· Adolescents tend to become very cause-oriented. Their activism is related to the ability to think about abstract concepts. After reading about cruelty to animals a teen may become a vegetarian and a member of "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" (P.E.T.A.). Another teen may become active in "Green Peace" or "Save the Whales" campaigns.

· Adolescents tend to believe that no one else has ever experienced similar feelings and emotions. They may become overly dramatic in describing things that are upsetting to them. They may say things like "You'll never understand," or "My life is ruined!"

· Adolescents tend to exhibit a "justice" orientation. They are quick to point out inconsistencies between adults' words and their actions. They have difficulty seeing shades of gray. They see little room for error.

· Adolescents tend to exhibit the "it can't happen to me" syndrome also known as a "personal fable." This belief causes adolescents to take unnecessary risks like drinking and driving ("I won't crash this car"), having unprotected sex (I can't possibly get pregnant), or smoking (I can't possibly get cancer").

What Can You Do?

· Don't take it personally when adolescents discount your experience. Try to empathize with and listen to their concerns. Enlist the help of a slightly older sibling or friend to give good advice to the teen if needed.

· Get adolescents involved in discussing their behavioral rules and consequences. Adolescents should take a more active role in determining how they should behave. Their advanced reasoning skills make it easier for them to generate realistic consequences for their actions. Listen to their ideas!

· Provide opportunities for adolescents to get involved in community service. Adolescents want to become active in things that have deeper meaning. Suggest they volunteer at a homeless shelter, walk dogs for the animal shelter, or take meals to the elderly. Talk with them about their experiences.

· Provide opportunities for adolescents to participate in controlled risky behavior. Get adolescents involved in properly supervised extreme sports, such as parachuting, or rock climbing. Such activities will allow adolescents opportunities to play out their "it can't happen to me" mentality in an environment that won't be deadly if they fail.

· Talk to adolescents about their views and be open to discussing your own. Find out what they think about news stories on television or in the paper; ask them about their political and spiritual beliefs. Adolescents are already thinking about these things so give them a non-threatening forum for discussing them.

· Try to build a genuine relationship with your teen. Let them know what you were like as a teen. Talk to them about your mistakes and vulnerabilities. Try to understand their feelings and express yours so you can be understood.

Psycho-Social Development—

There are five recognized psychosocial issues that adolescents deal with during their adolescent years. These include:

· Achievement. Our society tends to foster and value attitudes of competition and success. Because of cognitive advances, the teen years are a time when young people can begin to see the relationship between their current abilities and plans and their future vocational aspirations. They need to figure out what their achievement preferences are-what they are currently good at and areas in which they are willing to strive for success.

· Becoming comfortable with one's sexuality. The teen years mark the first time that young people are both physically mature enough to reproduce and cognitively advanced enough to think about it. Given this, the teen years are the prime time for the development of sexuality. How adolescents are educated about and exposed to sexuality will largely determine whether or not they develop a healthy sexual identity. More than half of most high school students report being sexually active. Many experts agree that the mixed messages adolescents receive about sexuality contribute to problems such as teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

· Establishing an identity. This has been called one of the most important tasks of adolescents. The question of "who am I" is not one that adolescents think about at a conscious level. Instead, over the course of the adolescent years, adolescents begin to integrate the opinions of influential others (e.g. moms & dads, other caring adults, friends, etc.) into their own likes and dislikes. The eventual outcome is people who have a clear sense of their values and beliefs, occupational goals, and relationship expectations. People with secure identities know where they fit (or where they don't want to fit) in their world.

· Establishing autonomy. Some people assume that autonomy refers to becoming completely independent from others. They equate it with teen "rebellion." Rather than severing relationships, however, establishing autonomy during the teen years really means becoming an independent and self-governing person within relationships. Autonomous adolescents have gained the ability to make and follow through with their own decisions, live by their own set of principles of right and wrong, and have become less emotionally dependent on moms & dads. Autonomy is a necessary achievement if the teen is to become self-sufficient in society.

· Establishing intimacy. Many people, including adolescents, equate intimacy with sex. In fact, intimacy and sex are not the same. Intimacy is usually first learned within the context of same-sex friendships, then utilized in romantic relationships. Intimacy refers to close relationships in which people are open, honest, caring and trusting. Friendships provide the first setting in which young people can practice their social skills with those who are their equals. It is with friends that adolescents learn how to begin, maintain, and terminate relationships, practice social skills, and become intimate.

How Do These Changes Affect Adolescents?

· Adolescents begin to spend more time with their friends than their families. It is within friendship groups that adolescents can develop and practice social skills. Adolescents are quick to point out to each other which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. It is important to remember that even though adolescents are spending increased amounts of time with their friends, they still tend to conform to parental ideals when it comes to decisions about values, education, and long-term plans.

· Adolescents may become elusive about where they are going or with whom. When asked what they'll be doing for the evening, adolescents typically reply with "nothing" or "hanging out." When asked whom they'll be with, adolescents reply, "just some friends."

· Adolescents may become involved in multiple hobbies or clubs. In an attempt to find out what they are good at, adolescents may try many activities. Adolescents' interests also change quickly. Today they are into yoga, and tomorrow they are into soccer.

· Adolescents may become more argumentative. Adolescents may question adults' values and judgments. When adolescents don't get their way, they may say, "you just don't understand."

· Adolescents may begin to interact with moms & dads as people. Even though they may not want to be seen with moms & dads in public, adolescents may begin to view moms & dads more as people. They may ask more questions about how a parent was when he or she was a teen. They may attempt to interact with adults more as equals.

· Adolescents may begin to keep a journal. Part of achieving identity is thinking about one's thoughts and feelings. Adolescents often begin journaling as a way of working through how they feel.

· Adolescents may have more questions about sexuality. They may ask about adults' values and beliefs. They may ask how you knew it was time to have sex or why you waited.

· Adolescents may not want to be seen with moms & dads in public. They may make moms & dads drop them off a block from their friends' houses or from school.

· When they are in their rooms, adolescents may begin to lock their bedroom doors. Locking doors is a way to establish privacy. As long as adolescents continue to interact with the family, locked doors are usually nothing to worry about.

What Can You Do?

· Be aware of who your adolescents' friends are and what they are doing. Such parental monitoring should not end when youth enter their teen years. Despite adolescents' objections, make sure you know who their friends are and where they are going. Meet the moms & dads of adolescents' friends. Provide fun things to do at home to encourage adolescents to "hang out" at your house so you'll know where they are and what they are doing.

· Continue to provide a structured environment. Adolescents should be allowed to have more independence, but not enough to place them in jeopardy. Despite their complaints, adolescents rely on adults to provide them with the sense of safety and structure they need to deal effectively with all the psychosocial tasks of adolescents.

· Encourage involvement in multiple groups or activities both within school and after-school. Realize that adolescents are trying to gain a sense of achievement-a sense of being uniquely good at something. Don't get frustrated if they frequently change their minds. At the same time, encourage them to stick with a project or activity long enough to establish some skills.

· Establish rituals to mark significant passages. Few rituals in our modern society mark the passage of adolescents to adulthood. Have a mother-daughter luncheon when the daughter gets her first period. Have a father-son outing when the son begins to shave. Have a family celebration when the teen moves from junior high to high school. Celebrate the teen's first driver's license and his or her ability to vote.

· Give adolescents an opportunity to establish their behavioral guidelines and consequences. Allow adolescents to have input into curfew and other family rules. Their advanced cognitive skills coupled with their need for autonomy makes this a perfect time for them to provide suggestions and to demonstrate responsibility for their own behavior.

· Help adolescents explore career goals and options. Take adolescents to work so they can see what adults do. Set up opportunities for them to "job shadow" others. Ask them questions about their future career goals. Remember that figuring out what they don't want to do is just as important as figuring out what they like!

· Praise adolescents for their efforts as well as their abilities. This will help adolescents to stick with activities instead of giving up if they are not immediately successful.

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Teens & Cutting (Self-Injury)

Self-injury is the act of deliberately destroying body tissue, at times to change a way of feeling. Self-injury is seen differently by groups and cultures within society. This appears to have become more popular lately, especially in adolescents. The causes and severity of self-injury can vary. Some forms may include:

· biting
· branding
· bruising
· burning/abrasions
· carving
· cutting
· excessive body piercing
· head banging
· hitting
· marking
· picking, and pulling skin and hair
· scratching
· tattooing

Someone who cuts uses a sharp object to make marks, cuts, or scratches on the body on purpose — enough to break the skin and cause bleeding. People typically cut themselves on their wrists, forearms, thighs, or belly. They might use a razorblade, knife, scissors, a metal tab from a soda can, the end of a paper clip, a nail file, or a pen. Some people burn their skin with the end of a cigarette or lighted match.

Most people who self-injure are girls, but boys do it too. It usually starts during the teenager years and can continue into adulthood. In some cases, there's a family history of cutting.

A sense of shame and secrecy often goes along with cutting. Most adolescents who cut hide the marks and if they're noticed, make up excuses about them. Some adolescents don't try to hide cuts and might even call attention to them.

Cutting often begins as an impulse. But many adolescents discover that once they start to cut, they do it more and more, and can have trouble stopping. Many adolescents who self-injure report that cutting provides a sense of relief from deep painful emotions. Because of this, cutting is a behavior that tends to reinforce itself. Cutting can become a teenager's habitual way to respond to pressures and unbearable feelings. Many say they feel "addicted" to the behavior. Some would like to stop but don't know how or feel they can't. Other adolescents don't want to stop cutting.

Some adolescents may self-mutilate to take risks, rebel, reject their moms & dads' values, state their individuality or merely be accepted. Others, however, may injure themselves out of desperation or anger to seek attention, to show their hopelessness and worthlessness, or because they have suicidal thoughts. These kids may suffer from serious psychiatric problems such as depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder. Additionally, some adolescents who engage in self-injury may develop Borderline Personality Disorder as adults. Some young kids may resort to self-injurious acts from time to time but often grow out of it. Kids with mental retardation and/or autism as well as kids who have been abused or abandoned may also show these behaviors.

Cutting isn't new, but this form of self-injury (SI) has been out in the open more in recent years, portrayed in movies and on TV — even talked about by celebrities who have admitted to cutting themselves at some point.

Cutting is a serious issue that affects many adolescents. Even if you haven't heard about cutting, chances are good that your teenager has and might even know someone who does it. Like other risky behaviors, cutting can be dangerous and habit-forming. In most cases, it is also a sign of deeper emotional distress. In some cases, peers can influence adolescents to experiment with cutting.

The topic of cutting can be troubling for moms & dads. It can be hard to understand why a teenager would deliberately self-injure, and worrisome to think your teenager — or one of your teenager's friends — could be at risk. But moms & dads who are aware of this important issue and understand the emotional pain it can signal are in a position to help.

Some adolescents have experienced trauma, which can cause waves of emotional numbness called dissociation. For them, cutting can be a way of testing whether they can still "feel" pain. Others describe cutting as a way of "waking up" from that emotional numbness.

Why do adolescents self-injure?

Self-injury is a complex behavior and symptom that results from a variety of factors. Adolescents who have difficulty talking about their feelings may show their emotional tension, physical discomfort, pain and low self-esteem with self-injurious behaviors. Although some teenagers may feel like the steam in the pressure cooker has been released following the act of harming themselves, others may feel hurt, anger, fear and hate. The effects of peer pressure and contagion can also influence adolescents to injure themselves. Even though fads come and go, most of the wounds on the adolescents' skin will be permanent. Occasionally, teenagers may hide their scars, burns and bruises due to feeling embarrassed, rejected or criticized about their physical appearance.

Adolescents cut for many different reasons. For most, cutting is an attempt to interrupt strong emotions that seem impossible to tolerate. Most of the time, cutting is not a suicide attempt. But sadly, people often underestimate the potential to get seriously sick or hurt through bleeding or infections that go along with cutting.

Powerful overwhelming emotions. Most adolescents who cut are struggling with powerful emotions. To them, cutting might seem like the only way to express or interrupt feelings that seem too intense to endure. Emotional pain over rejection, lost or broken relationships, or deep grief can be overwhelming for some adolescents. And many times they're dealing with emotional pain or difficult situations that no one knows about. Pressure to be perfect or to live up to impossible standards — their own or someone else's — can cause some adolescents unbearable pain. Some adolescents who cut have been deeply hurt by harsh treatment or by situations that have left them feeling unsupported, powerless, unworthy, or unloved.

Self-inflicted physical pain is specific and visible. For some, the physical pain of cutting can seem preferable to emotional pain. Emotional pain can feel vague and hard to pinpoint, talk about, or soothe. When they cut, adolescents say there is a sense of control and relief to see and know where the specific pain is coming from and a sense of soothing when it stops. Cutting can symbolize inner pain that might not have been verbalized, confided, acknowledged, or healed. And because it's self-inflicted, it is pain the teenager controls.

A sense of relief. Many adolescents who cut describe the sense of relief they feel as they're cutting, which is common with compulsive behaviors. Some people believe that endorphins might add to the relief adolescents describe when they cut. Endorphins are the "feel-good" hormones released during intense physical exertion. And they can be released during an injury. Others believe the relief is simply a result of being distracted from painful emotions by intense physical pain and the dramatic sight of blood. Some adolescents say they don't feel the pain when they cut, but feel relieved because the visible SI "shows" emotional pain they feel.

Feeling "addicted." Cutting can be habit forming. Though it only provides temporary relief from emotional distress, the more a person cuts, the more he or she feels the need to do it. As with other compulsive behaviors, the brain starts to connect a momentary sense of relief from bad feelings with the act of cutting. Whenever the tension builds, the brain craves that relief and drives the teenager to seek relief again by cutting. So cutting can become a habit someone feels powerless to stop. The urge to cut — to get relief — can seem too hard to resist when emotional pressure is high.

Other mental health conditions. Cutting is often linked to — or part of — another mental health condition. Some adolescents who cut are also struggling with other urges, obsessions, or compulsive behaviors. For some, depression or bipolar disorder can contribute to overwhelming moods that may be difficult for a teenager to regulate. For others, mental health conditions that affect personality can cause relationships to feel intense and consuming, but unsteady. For these adolescents, intense positive attachments can suddenly become terribly disappointing and leave them feeling hurt, anger, or despair too strong to cope with. Other adolescents struggle with personality traits that attract them to the dangerous excitement of risky behavior or self-destructive acts. Some are prone to dramatic ways of getting reassurance that they are loved and cared about. For others, posttraumatic stress has had an effect on their ability to cope. Or they're struggling with alcohol or substance problems.

Peer pressure. Some adolescents are influenced to start cutting by another person who does it. For example, a teenager girl might try cutting because her boyfriend cuts. Group peer pressure can play a role, too. Some adolescents cut in groups and might pressure others to cut. A teenager might give in to group pressure to try cutting as a way to seem cool or bold, to belong, or to avoid social bullying.

Any of these factors may help to explain why a particular teenager cuts. But each teenager also has unique feelings and experiences that play a role. Some who cut might not be able to explain why they do it. Regardless of the factors that may lead a teenager to self-injure, cutting isn't a healthy way to deal with even the most extreme emotions or pressures.

What can moms & dads and teenagers do about self-injury?

Moms & dads are encouraged to talk with their kids about respecting and valuing their bodies. Moms & dads should also serve as role models for their teenagers by not engaging in acts of self-harm. Some helpful ways for adolescents to avoid hurting themselves include learning to:

· accept reality and find ways to make the present moment more tolerable.

· develop better social skills.

· distract themselves from feelings of self-harm (for example, counting to ten, waiting 15 minutes, saying "NO!" or "STOP!," practicing breathing exercises, journaling, drawing, thinking about positive images, using ice and rubber bands)

· identify feelings and talk them out rather than acting on them.

· practice positive stress management.

· soothe themselves in a positive, non-injurious, way.

· stop, think, and evaluate the pros and cons of self-injury.

Confronting Cutting—

Some adolescents call attention to their self-injury. Or if the SI requires medical attention, that might be a way others find out. But many adolescents cut for a long time before anyone else knows. Some adolescents eventually tell someone about their self-injury — because they want help and want to stop, or because they just want someone to understand what they're going through.

It can take courage and trust to reach out. Many adolescents hesitate to tell others because they fear being misunderstood, or worry that someone might be angry, upset, disappointed, shocked, or judgmental. Some adolescents confide in friends, but ask them not to tell. This can create burden and worry for a friend who knows.

If confronted about the cutting, adolescents can respond in different ways, depending partly on the teenager and partly on the how they were approached by it. Some might deny the cutting, while others might admit to it, but deny that it's a problem. Some might get angry and upset or reject efforts to help. Some adolescents are relieved that someone knows, cares, and wants to help.

Bringing a Halt to Cutting—

Whether or not anyone else knows or has tried to help, some adolescents cut for a long time before they try to stop. For adolescents whose cutting is part of another mental health condition, professional help is usually necessary. Sometimes cutting or another symptom leads to a teenager's admission to a mental health hospital or clinic. Some adolescents have more than one hospital stay for self-injury before they feel ready to accept help for cutting or other problems.

Some adolescents find a way to stop cutting on their own. This might happen if a teenager finds a powerful reason to stop (such as realizing how much it hurts a friend), receives needed support, or finds ways to resist the powerful urge to cut. To stop cutting, a person also needs to find new ways to deal with problem situations and regulate emotions that feel overwhelming. This can take time and often requires the help of a mental health professional.

It can be difficult to stop cutting and a teenager might not succeed at first. Some people stop for a while and then start cutting again. It takes determination, courage, strength — as well as support from others who understand and care — to break this powerful habit.



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Kids & Divorce—

One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include kids. Moms & dads who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their kids. During this difficult period, moms & dads may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their kid's lives.

While moms & dads may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, kids are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some moms & dads feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the youngster for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by kids unless moms & dads tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved, and what will happen to them.

Kids often believe they have caused the conflict between their moms & dads. Many kids assume the responsibility for bringing their moms & dads back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and kids can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.

Talking to kids about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the youngster and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

· Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
· Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the youngster.
· Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
· Keep things simple and straight-forward.
· Reassure your youngster that you both still love them and will always be their moms & dads.
· Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
· Tell your youngster together with your spouse.

Moms & dads should be alert to signs of distress in their kids. Young kids may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing.

Older kids may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, kids of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.

Kids will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a youngster to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that kids do best when moms & dads can cooperate on behalf of the youngster.

Moms & dads' ongoing commitment to the youngster's well-being is vital. If a youngster shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the moms & dads to a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the youngster and adolescent psychiatrist can meet with the parents to help them learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the kids of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful.

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