Children & Divorce

Today, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly half of all first marriages end in divorce. Two thirds of these situations involve children. What effect will divorce have on children in both the short and long term? Differing advice from experts in the field as well as “expert advice” in the media adds to moms & dads’ anxiety about divorce.

The good news is that, in the long term, approximately 80% of children of divorced moms & dads become productive, well-adjusted and successful adults. As they get older, their moms & dads’ divorce becomes more and more a distant memory of a painful time, and a less active influence in their lives.

The other 20% of these children experience a variety of ongoing psychological and social difficulties that significantly interfere with their lives. As adults these people are twice as likely to experience mental illness, substance abuse, and failed relationships. In children, warning signs of coping difficulties can include problems in sleeping or eating, increased anger or sadness, fears, or regression.

Understanding the risk factors and what to expect at each stage of a child’s development will help moms & dads promote their children’s successful adjustment and growth as the family goes through the divorce process.

No guide can guarantee a way to steer children unscathed through a divorce. Every situation — and every family — is different. But some commonsense guidelines might make the adjustment a bit easier.

These suggestions can make the process less painful for children. Moms & dads will need to interpret them in their own ways; honesty, sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help the healing process. Be patient — not everyone's timetable is the same.

Encourage children to openly discuss their feelings, positive or negative, about what's happening--

It's important for divorcing — and already divorced — moms & dads to sit down with their children and encourage them to say what they're thinking and feeling. But you'll need to keep this separate from your own feelings. Most often, children experience a sense of loss of family and may blame you or the other parent — or both — for what they perceive as a betrayal. So, you'll really need to be prepared to answer questions your children might raise or to address their concerns.

Make talking about the divorce and how it's affecting your children an ongoing process. As children get older and become more mature, they might have questions or concerns that they hadn't thought of earlier. Even if it seems like you've gone over the same topics before, keep the dialogue open.

If you feel like you get too upset to be of real help to your children, ask someone else (a relative, maybe) to talk to them. Group programs for children of divorce run by schools or faith-based organizations are an excellent resource for children going through this.

It's natural for children to have many emotions about a divorce. They might feel guilty and imagine that they "caused" the problem. This is particularly true if they ever heard their moms & dads argue about them. Children may feel angry or frightened, or worried that they will be abandoned by or "divorced from" their moms & dads.

Although children may struggle with a divorce for quite some time, the real impact is usually felt over about a 2- to 3-year period. During this time, some will be able to voice their feelings but, depending on their age and development, other children just won't have the words. They may instead act out or be depressed. For school-age children, this is usually evident when their grades drop or they lose interest in activities. For younger children, these feelings are often expressed during play, too.

It may be tempting to tell a child not to feel a certain way, but children (and adults, for that matter) have a right to their feelings. And if you try to force a "happy face," your children may be less likely to share their true feelings with you.

Don't bad-mouth your ex in front of the children, even if you're still angry or feuding—

This is one of the hardest things to do. But it's important not to say bad things about your ex. Doing so often backfires and children get angry at the parent who is saying the bad things. No child likes to hear a parent criticized, even if it is by the other parent. It's equally important to acknowledge real events. If, for example, one spouse has simply abandoned the family by moving out, you need to acknowledge what has happened. It isn't your responsibility to explain the ex-spouse's behavior — let him or her do so with the children.

Try not to use children as messengers or go-betweens, especially when you're feuding—

Children don't need to feel that they must act as messengers between hostile moms & dads or carry one adult's secrets or accusations about another. Don't question your child about what is happening in the other household — children resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on the other parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems.

Expect resistance and difficulties as children adjust to a new mate or the mate's children—

New relationships, blended families, and remarriages are among the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. A new, blended family doesn't eliminate the impact of divorce — in fact, research shows that children in these new families experience problems similar to those who remain with a single parent.

So, it's important to assure children that they still have a mother and father who care for them and to help them blend into a new family structure. Don't expect children to accept a stepparent as another parent right away, though — that will take time. The initial role of a stepparent is that of another caring adult in a child's life. Tell children that the stepparent needs to be respected the same way that they respect teachers, coaches, and other adults who help them.

Seek support groups, friendships, and counseling. Single moms & dads need all the help they can get—

Support from clergy, friends, relatives, and groups such as Moms & dads Without Partners can help moms & dads and their children adjust to separation and divorce. Children can meet others who've developed successful relationships with separated moms & dads and can confide in each other, while adults need special support through these trying times.

Whenever possible, children should be encouraged to have as positive an outlook on both moms & dads as they can. Even under the best of circumstances, separation and divorce can be painful and disappointing for many children.

And, of course, it's emotionally difficult for the moms & dads. So it's understandable that, despite their best intentions, some moms & dads might broadcast their pain and anger. But moms & dads who can foster a positive adjustment and good times, even during difficult circumstances, will go a long way toward helping their children — and themselves — adapt and move on.

Key Risks and Protections for Kids in Divorcing Families—

1. Conflict between moms & dads: Conflict between moms & dads can be a key part of the divorce process, especially during the time immediately before and after the actual divorce. Witnessing conflict can be particularly confusing to the kids because they love both moms & dads and are generally torn in their loyalties to each of them.

While it is often difficult, if not impossible, to shield kids from all parental conflict, it is important to do so. Moms & dads must agree to put their kids first by keeping them out of parental disagreements and holding such discussions away from the kids.

It is especially harmful when moms & dads involve the kids, deliberately or by accident, in their conflicts by doing things such as complaining to the youngster about the other parent or by having the kids pass on messages for the moms & dads.

2. Turning kids into “little adults”: Separation and divorce lead the single moms & dads to shoulder increased work and responsibility within the home. Kids of divorce often have increased responsibility, independence, and interdependence. This can be a positive outcome of this situation.

Trouble brews, however, when kids are asked to shoulder more of the physical or emotional load than they are developmentally ready to manage. This can happen when one parent begins to lean on a youngster, often the eldest daughter or son, for emotional support or as a confidant in the absence of a spouse. While most kids willingly try to meet their parent’s need for support, they tend to be psychologically unable to fulfill such an adult role and can grow up with lingering feelings of inadequacy and failure.

Moms & dads can help by allowing their kids to experience the joys and fewer responsibilities of childhood as much as possible. Moms & dads can also develop and maintain their connections with other adults to meet their own needs for companionship and emotional support.

3. Parenting style: Parenting style is an important factor in kid’s response to divorce. Some moms & dads are generally warm and accepting of their kids, but do not generally set limits or enforce rules or structure in the family. At times, they and their kids appear to be almost peers or friends. Kids raised in this way are less likely to develop good self-control and can be aggressive or impulsive.

Other moms & dads harshly enforce a variety of rigid rules at home with less warmth or respect for the kids. Kids raised in this way may turn out to be angry, defiant, and dishonest in dealing with others.

Still other moms & dads neglect their kids for the sake of their own needs and are simply not there for their kids. Kids raised in this way may develop a variety of psychological or behavioral problems.

The most protective style of parenting, and the one associated with the most well adjusted kids, is one where moms & dads have rules, structure, and expectations for appropriate behavior. They are not afraid to back up these expectations with fair, consistent discipline. These moms & dads are clearly the adults in the family, but they show respect and love for their kids. This style of raising kids is probably the most powerful protection against the risks associated with divorce. To the extent that each parent can use this style of parenting, the kids will fare better.

4. The role of schools and adults outside the family: Sometimes kids have connections with schools, teachers, coaches, clergy, counselors, or other adults who use the same caring, consistent, and structured approach that is most successful for moms & dads. The positive effects of these adults can be significant protective factors for kids from divorced families. Divorcing moms & dads are thus advised to seek out these positive relationships for their kids by contacting the staff at school, involving their kids in structured extracurricular activities, or by seeking support from their religious community.

5. Change in the family’s standard of living: Most families experience a significant drop in income after a divorce. Money once applied to one household now supports two, and single mothers frequently earn less than single fathers. It is often impossible to stay in the same home, attend the same school, and have the same lifestyle that the family enjoyed before the divorce. This is a common and often unavoidable risk in divorced families because maintaining economic stability is clearly a protective factor for kids.

Moms & dads can help ease this problem by having their kids stay in touch with friends from the previous school and participating in expensive activities in a more inexpensive fashion such as renting videos instead of going out to a current movie.

6. A youngster’s own strengths and weaknesses: A good predictor of adjustment following divorce is the youngster’s adjustment before the divorce. Kids who had experienced behavioral, learning, or mental health problems before the divorce often continue to experience these problems after divorce, and these issues constitute a risk factor for healthy development. Similarly, kids who before divorce were resilient, emotionally secure, responsible, and independent tend to bring these same qualities forward as protective factors during the divorce process.

7. Young kids - specific risks: Young kids frequently do not fully understand what is happening when their moms & dads divorce. They may believe that they caused the divorce or fantasize about their moms & dads getting back together. They may have fears of being abandoned and worry about who will take care of them. Moms & dads should reassure kids that the divorce was not their fault, that they still love them, and that they will continue to take care of them.

8. Adolescents - specific risks: Adolescence can be a time of conflict in all families as young people work to separate from moms & dads and begin young adulthood. In divorced families, these conflicts can often last longer than in non-divorced families. Girls in divorced families who mature early physically may be at increased risk for early sexual activity. Peers become exceptionally important influences in adolescence, and they can act as risks or protections, depending on the peer group. Adolescents continue to need structure, discipline, and respect from their moms & dads. Mentors, teachers, coaches, and other involved adults can also provide protective support.

Impact of Child Custody—

As long as the custodial parent is loving, consistent, and provides structure and discipline, kids can do well in families where either parent has custody or in joint custody arrangements. Kids are most influenced by the parent they spend the most time with, but the non-custodial parent can exert an important additional protective influence if he or she remains involved with the kids.

It is generally in the kid’s long-term interest to have continuing and meaningful contact with both moms & dads after a divorce.

According to research, roughly 60% of moms & dads remarry six years after the divorce. With remarriage often comes a better standard of living, better schools for the kids, and mutual emotional support for the moms & dads. However, about 60% of these remarriages end in divorce. Often disagreement about raising the kids is one of the issues of conflict between the new spouses.

Step parenting is very difficult, and moms & dads can enter a remarriage with unrealistic expectations about instantly bonding with stepchildren or quickly developing a close, smoothly running family. Differences in parenting styles, expectations for the kids, and working out disciplinary roles can create stress for the new couple. Developing a working relationship between the kids and stepparent is crucial in successful and happy remarriages.

Stepfamilies take time, effort, and patience to develop. It is usually best, especially at first, for the parent to continue as the primary disciplinarian, with the stepparent in a supporting role. However, moms & dads also have to be willing to share parental roles that they once controlled exclusively themselves.

The stepparent’s main role is to try to develop a relationship with the stepchildren. One way to build relationships is to create family routines, customs, and traditions within the new family so that kids begin to develop routines and memories that include the stepparent. Stepparents should not try to criticize or replace the non-custodial parent. This usually ends up hurting the stepparent’s relationship with the kids.

Finally, it is important for the new spouses to nurture their relationship as a couple. Be careful not to lose sight of the kids, but take opportunities to go out alone, find mutual interests, and find meaningful “adult time” together.



Video by Matt Doyle
Contributing Author for Online Parent Support
Online Parent Support

Christmas & Family Problems

Many people do not have the 'model' family these days, with parents for instance who have split up and in with new partners.

However children will want to see their parents, all things being equal, on special times like birthdays and Christmas.

So what should you do given this? Well, you should ensure that you plan as early as possible. Even if things are difficult with former partners try to be courteous and polite for the sake of the children.

There is nothing worse than trying to arrange these things at the last minute when both sides are committed to other things to do with other family members and friends for instance.

Therefore aim to have the plans for Christmas day in place by the end of November for a pain and hassle free Christmas day that you can relax and enjoy!

Hoping for a quick fix to solve all your family Christmas disasters?

Well, sadly there are no quick fixes, particularly if you're looking to change other people's behaviors. The first and foremost rule of the counseling game is that it is very difficult to change other people, if at all. But you can change yourself. And therein lays your power.

Let's look at a scenario that might commonly occur around the Christmas dinner table. Michael's father is a dentist. Among his many skills, he is an expert at holding onto grudges, and his biggest beef with Michael is that, although Michael got into dentistry school and completed one year, he decided he wanted to be a salesman instead. Michael's father has never really accepted that his son has different life goals to him. He constantly berates him, belittles him, and tells him how much money he could have earned in the last financial year if he had followed in his footsteps and become a dentist. Michael has tried to explain his feelings about dentistry and his love for sales work, but his father will have none of it. The sad thing is that Michael made this decision over 20 years ago, but the issue still rankles, and never more so than on Christmas Day when Michael returns with his family to his parents' home. And for most of those 20 visits, by the time dessert is congealing on the plates, a violent verbal argument is in full swing, which ends with Michael's father leaving the table and Michael leaving the house. Now that Michael has children he doesn't want them to have to go through this on Christmas Day, but each year, the same thing happens. He is seriously thinking of not returning next Christmas but feels guilty about his mother and his children missing out.

So, what can Michael do to improve the situation? Well, it's pretty clear that Dad isn't going to change. But Michael can. There are a number of options for Michael.

1. He can mentally decide he will not be drawn into his father's negative comments. It can be helpful for Michael to recognize that his father has a problem of non-acceptance. Michael also needs to see that he himself has a problem in that he "bites" when his father dangles the bait. By separating out the dynamics of the situation, Michael may be able to step back a little and see what is really going on and how he himself adds fuel to the fire. If he refused to provide ammunition, which is what his father needs, the argument will die. It may be unresolved, but it will die from lack of fuel.

2. He can advise his father beforehand that he would enjoy a family Christmas get-together, but he does not wish to discuss the subject of work, either his own or his father's. He can repeat this wish as often as necessary during the course of the day if his father attempts to berate him again.

3. He can advise his father that if he persists in disregarding his wishes, he will leave. Michael must be prepared to do this if necessary.

This same technique of teasing out the problems of each participant in a dilemma (including the role you play!) can be applied to many different scenarios, whether it is a problem drinker, a parent who belittles a son- or daughter-in-law, sibling rivalry, or rivalry between divorced parents of children.

Online Parent Support

Kids And The Grieving Process—

When a family member dies, kids react differently from adults. Preschool kids usually see death as temporary and reversible, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who die and come to life again. Kids between five and nine begin to think more like adults about death, yet they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they know.

Adding to a youngster's shock and confusion at the death of a brother, sister, or parent is the unavailability of other family members, who may be so shaken by grief that they are not able to cope with the normal responsibility of childcare.

Moms & dads should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as signs when a youngster is having difficulty coping with grief. It is normal during the weeks following the death for some kids to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. However, long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief can be emotionally unhealthy and can later lead to more severe problems.

A youngster who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go; however, honoring or remembering the person in some way, such as lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making a scrapbook, reviewing photographs, or telling a story may be helpful. Kids should be allowed to express feelings about their loss and grief in their own way.

Once kids accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the youngster, making it clear that the youngster has permission to show his or her feelings openly or freely.

The person who has died was essential to the stability of the youngster's world, and anger is a natural reaction. The anger may be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares, irritability, or a variety of other behaviors. Often the youngster will show anger towards the surviving family members.

After a parent dies, many kids will act younger than they are. The youngster may temporarily become more infantile; demand food, attention and cuddling; and talk baby talk. Younger kids frequently believe they are the cause of what happens around them. A young youngster may believe a parent, grandparent, brother, or sister died because he or she had once wished the person dead when they were angry. The youngster feels guilty or blames him or herself because the wish came true.

Kids who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

· withdrawal from friends
· sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school
· repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
· inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
· excessively imitating the dead person
· an extended period of depression in which the youngster loses interest in daily activities and events
· acting much younger for an extended period

If these signs persist, professional help may be needed. A youngster and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional can help the youngster accept the death and assist the others in helping the youngster through the mourning process.

When Kids Become Depressed—

Not only adults become depressed. Kids and teenagers also may have depression, as well. The good news is that depression is a treatable illness. Depression is defined as an illness when the feelings of depression persist and interfere with a youngster or adolescent’s ability to function.

About 5 percent of kids and teenagers in the general population suffer from depression at any given point in time. Kids under stress, who experience loss, or who have attentional, learning, conduct or anxiety disorders are at a higher risk for depression. Depression also tends to run in families.

The behavior of depressed kids and teenagers may differ from the behavior of depressed adults. Youngster and adolescent psychiatrists advise moms & dads to be aware of signs of depression in their youngsters.

If one or more of these signs of depression persist, moms & dads should seek help:

· Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self destructive behavior
· Talk of or efforts to run away from home
· Social isolation, poor communication
· Poor concentration
· Persistent boredom; low energy
· Low self esteem and guilt
· Increased irritability, anger, or hostility
· Hopelessness
· Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying
· Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches
· Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school
· Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure
· Difficulty with relationships
· Decreased interest in, or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities
· A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns

A youngster who used to play often with friends may now spend most of the time alone and without interests. Things that were once fun now bring little joy to the depressed youngster. Kids and teenagers who are depressed may say they want to be dead or may talk about suicide. Depressed kids and teenagers are at increased risk for committing suicide. Depressed teenagers may abuse alcohol or other drugs as a way of trying to feel better.

Kids and teenagers who cause trouble at home or at school may also be suffering from depression. Because the youngster may not always seem sad, moms & dads and teachers may not realize that troublesome behavior is a sign of depression. When asked directly, these kids can sometimes state they are unhappy or sad.

Early diagnosis and treatment are essential for depressed kids. Depression is a real illness that requires professional help. Comprehensive treatment often includes both individual and family therapy. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) are forms of individual therapy shown to be effective in treating depression. Treatment may also include the use of antidepressant medication. For help, moms & dads should ask their physician to refer them to a qualified mental health professional, who can diagnose and treat depression in kids and teenagers.

When Teens Become Suicidal—

Suicides among young people continue to be a serious problem. Each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-to-24-year-olds, and the sixth leading cause of death for 5-to-14-year-olds.

Teenagers experience strong feelings of stress, confusion, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, and other fears while growing up. For some teenagers, divorce, the formation of a new family with step-moms & dads and step-siblings, or moving to a new community can be very unsettling and can intensify self-doubts. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems and stress.

Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders. The youngster or adolescent needs to have his or her illness recognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plans developed. When moms & dads are in doubt whether their youngster has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful.

Many of the signs and symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression.

Moms & dads should be aware of the following signs of teenagers who may try to kill themselves:

· change in eating and sleeping habits
· drug and alcohol use
· frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
· loss of interest in pleasurable activities
· marked personality change
· not tolerating praise or rewards
· persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
· unusual neglect of personal appearance
· violent actions, rebellious behavior, or running away
· withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities

A teenager who is planning to commit suicide may also:

· become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
· complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
· give verbal hints with statements such as: I won't be a problem for you much longer, Nothing matters, It's no use, and I won't see you again
· have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)
· put his or her affairs in order, for example, give away favorite possessions, clean his or her room, throw away important belongings, etc.

If a youngster or adolescent says, I want to kill myself, or I'm going to commit suicide, always take the statement seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional. People often feel uncomfortable talking about death. However, asking the youngster or adolescent whether he or she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Rather than putting thoughts in the youngster's head, such a question will provide assurance that somebody cares and will give the young person the chance to talk about problems.

If one or more of these signs occurs, moms & dads need to talk to their youngster about their concerns and seek professional help from a physician or a qualified mental health professional. With support from family and appropriate treatment, kids and teenagers who are suicidal can heal and return to a more healthy path of development.



Online Parent Support

Psychiatric Evaluation for ODD

Evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist is appropriate for any child or adolescent with emotional and/or behavioral problems. Most kids and adolescents with serious emotional and behavioral problems need a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation.

Comprehensive psychiatric evaluations usually require several hours over one or more office visits for the child and moms & dads. With the moms & dads' permission, other significant people (such as the family physician, school personnel or other relatives) may be contacted for additional information.

The comprehensive evaluation frequently includes the following:

· Parent and family health and psychiatric histories
· Interview of the child or adolescent
· Interview of moms & dads/guardians
· Information about the child's development
· Information about school and friends
· Information about health, illness and treatment (both physical and psychiatric), including current medications
· Information about family relationships
· Laboratory studies such as blood tests, x-rays, or special assessments (for example, psychological, educational, speech and language evaluation)
· Description of present problems and symptoms

The child and adolescent psychiatrist then develops a formulation. The formulation describes the child's problems and explains them in terms that the moms & dads and child can understand. The formulation combines biological, psychological and social parts of the problem with developmental needs, history and strengths of the child, adolescent and family.

Time is made available to answer the moms & dads' and child's questions. Moms & dads often come to such evaluations with many concerns, including:

· Am I silly to worry?
· Can you help us? Can you help my child?
· Does my child need additional assessment and/or testing (medical, psychological etc.)?
· Does my child need treatment? Do I need treatment?
· Is my child normal? Am I normal? Am I to blame?
· What are your recommendations? How can the family help?
· What is wrong? What is the diagnosis?
· What will treatment cost, and how long will it take?

Moms & dads are often worried about how they will be viewed during the evaluation. Child and adolescent psychiatrists are there to support families and to be a partner, not to judge or blame. They listen to concerns, and help the child or adolescent and his/her family define the goals of the evaluation. Moms & dads should always ask for explanations of words or terms they do not understand.

When a treatable problem is identified, recommendations are provided and a specific treatment plan is developed. Child and adolescent psychiatrists are specifically trained and skilled in conducting comprehensive psychiatric evaluations with kids, adolescents and families.

Online Parent Support

Helping Children Learn Self-Control

When children melt down in the middle of a crowded store, at a holiday dinner with extended family, or at home, it can be extremely frustrating. But moms & dads can help children learn self-control and teach them how to respond to situations without just acting on impulse.

Teaching self-control skills is one of the most important things that moms & dads can do for their children because these are some of the most important skills for success later in life.

Helping Children Learn Self-Control—

By learning self-control, children can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes.

For example, if you say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently.

Here are a few suggestions on how to help children learn to control their behavior:

· Up to age 2: Infants and toddlers get frustrated by the large gap between the things they want to do and what they're able to do. They often respond with temper tantrums. Try to prevent outbursts by distracting your little one with toys or other activities. For children reaching the 2-year-old mark, try a brief timeout in a designated area — like a kitchen chair or bottom stair — to show the consequences for outbursts and teach that it's better to take some time alone instead of throwing a tantrum.

· Ages 3 to 5: You can continue to use timeouts, but rather than enforcing a specific time limit, end timeouts once your child has calmed down. This helps children improve their sense of self-control. And praise your child for not losing control in frustrating or difficult situations.

· Ages 6 to 9: As children enter school, they're better able to understand the idea of consequences and that they can choose good or bad behavior. It may help your child to imagine a stop sign that must be obeyed and think about a situation before responding. Encourage your child to walk away from a frustrating situation for a few minutes to cool off instead of having an outburst.

· Ages 10 to 12: Older children usually better understand their feelings. Encourage them to think about what's causing them to lose control and then analyze it. Explain that sometimes the situations that are upsetting at first don't end up being so awful. Urge children to take time to think before responding to a situation.

· Ages 13 to 17: By now children should be able to control most of their actions. But remind teens to think about long-term consequences. Urge them to pause to evaluate upsetting situations before responding and talk through problems rather than losing control, slamming doors, or yelling. If necessary, discipline your teen by taking away certain privileges to reinforce the message that self-control is an important skill.

When Children Are Out of Control—

As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when you're disciplining your children. Instead, be firm and matter of fact. During a child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are unacceptable behaviors that have consequences — and say what those consequences are.

Your actions will show that tantrums won't get children the upper hand. For example, if your child gets upset in the grocery store after you've explained why you won't buy candy, don't give in — thus demonstrating that the tantrum was both unacceptable and ineffective.

Also, consider speaking to your child's teachers about classroom settings and appropriate behavioral expectations. Ask if problem solving is taught or demonstrated in school.

And model good self-control yourself. If you're in an irritating situation and your children are present, tell them why you're frustrated and then discuss the potential solutions to the problem. For example, if you've misplaced your keys, instead of getting upset, tell your children the keys are missing and then search for them together. If they don't turn up, take the next constructive step (like retracing your steps when you last had the keys in-hand). Show that good emotional control and problem solving are the ways to deal with a difficult situation.

If you continue to have difficulties, ask your doctor if family counseling sessions might help.

Kids do not always do what moms & dads want. When a child misbehaves, the parent must decide how to respond. All kids need rules and expectations to help them learn appropriate behavior. How does a parent teach a child the rules and, when those rules are broken, what should moms & dads do?

Moms & dads should begin by talking to each other about how they want to handle discipline and establish the rules. It is important to view discipline as teaching not punishment. Learning to follow rules keeps a child safe and helps him or her learn the difference between right and wrong.

Once rules have been established, moms & dads should explain to the child that broken rules carry consequences. For example, Here are the rules. When you follow the rules, this will happen and if you break a rule, this is what will happen. Parents and the child should decide together what the rewards and consequences will be. Moms & dads should always acknowledge and offer positive reinforcement and support when their child follows the rules. Moms & dads must also follow through with an appropriate consequence when the child breaks a rule. Consistency and predictability are the cornerstones of discipline and praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning.

Kids learn from experience. Having logical consequences for misbehavior helps them learn that they are accountable for their actions, without damaging their self-esteem. If kids are fighting over the television, computer or a video game, turn it off. If a child spills milk at the dinner table while fooling around, have the child clean it up. A teenager who stays up too late may suffer the natural consequences of being tired the next day. Another type of consequence that can be effective is the suspension or delay of a privilege. If a child breaks the rule about where they can go on their bike, take away the bike for a few days. When a child does not do chores, he or she cannot do something special like spend the night with a friend or rent a movie.

There are different styles and approaches to parenting. Research shows that effective moms & dads raise well-adjusted kids who are more self-reliant, self-controlled, and positively curious than kids raised by moms & dads who are punitive, overly strict (authoritarian), or permissive. Effective moms & dads operate on the belief that both the child and the parent have certain rights and that the needs of both are important. Effective moms & dads don't need to use physical force to discipline the child, but are more likely to set clear rules and explain why these rules are important. Effective moms & dads reason with their kids and consider the youngsters' points of views even though they may not agree with them.


Tips for effective discipline:

· Allow for negotiation and flexibility, which can help build your child's social skills.
· Be clear about what you mean. Be firm and specific.
· Consequences should be fair and appropriate to the situation and the child's age.
· Let your child experience the consequences of his behavior.
· Make sure what you ask for is reasonable.
· Model positive behavior. "Do as I say, not as I do" seldom works.
· Speak to your child as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you. Don't resort to name-calling, yelling, or disrespect.
· Trust your child to do the right thing within the limits of your child's age and stage of development.
· Whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives.

Parenting classes and coaching can be helpful in learning to be an effective parent. If moms & dads have serious concerns about continuing problems with their child's behavior, consultation with a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional may be helpful.

Online Parent Support