Surviving the Teen Years

When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.

Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teenagers, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and teen, the teen years are also a time to help teenagers grow into the distinct individuals they will become.

Understanding the Teen Years—

So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.

But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most visible signs of impending adulthood, but teenagers who are showing physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) can also be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.

Many teenagers announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their moms & dads. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, teenagers this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in.

Teenagers often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become acutely aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with moms & dads.

Butting Heads—

One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the case for some teenagers and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most teenagers.

But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teenagers will start pulling away from their moms & dads — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teenagers always seeming to have different opinions than their moms & dads or not wanting to be around their moms & dads in the same way they used to.

As teenagers mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And moms & dads of teenagers may find that teenagers who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.

You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my teen?," and "Do I allow my teen's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Tips for Parenting During the Teen Years—

Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:

Educate Yourself:

Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny teen, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Moms & dads who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.

Talk to Your Teen Early Enough:

Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions teenagers have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions.

You know your teenagers. You can hear when your teen's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

· Are you having any strange feelings?
· Are you noticing any changes in your body?
· Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/teen discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your teen will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.

Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your teen books on puberty written for teenagers going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a teen more at ease.

Put Yourself in Your Teen's Place:

Practice empathy by helping your teen understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.

Pick Your Battles:

If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teenagers want to shock their moms & dads and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.

Maintain Your Expectations:

Teenagers will likely act unhappy with expectations their moms & dads place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their moms & dads care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If moms & dads have appropriate expectations, teenagers will likely try to meet them.

Inform Your Teen — and Stay Informed Yourself:

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with teenagers before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes.

Know your teen's friends — and know their friends' moms & dads. Regular communication between moms & dads can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teenagers in a peer group. Moms & dads can help each other keep track of the teenagers' activities without making the teenagers feel that they're being watched.

Know the Warning Signs:

A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:

· talk or even jokes about suicide
· sudden change in friends
· sleep problems
· skipping school continually
· signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
· run-ins with the law
· rapid, drastic changes in personality
· falling grades
· extreme weight gain or loss

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your teen's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

Respect Teenagers' Privacy:

Some moms & dads, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their teenagers do is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your teen's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.

In other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teenagers are going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!

Monitor What Teenagers See and Read:

TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — teenagers have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.

Make Appropriate Rules:

Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your teen was a baby. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your teen keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing teen doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Will This Ever Be Over?

As teenagers progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults. So remember the motto of many moms & dads with teenagers: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!

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