One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the case for some teens and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most teens.
But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their moms & dads — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their moms & dads or not wanting to be around their moms & dads in the same way they used to.
As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And moms & dads of teens may find that teens who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.
You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my teenager?," and "Do I allow my teenager's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"
Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:
Talk to Your Teenager Early Enough—Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions teens have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions. You know your teens. You can hear when your teenager's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:
• Are you noticing any changes in your body?
• Are you having any strange feelings?
• Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?
A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/teenager discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your teenager will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes. Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your teenager books on puberty written for teens going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a teenager more at ease.
Know the Warning Signs—A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:
• extreme weight gain or loss
• sleep problems
• rapid, drastic changes in personality
• sudden change in friends
• skipping school continually
• falling grades
• talk or even jokes about suicide
• signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
• run-ins with the law
Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your teen's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.
Educate Yourself—Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny teenager, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Moms & dads who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.
Inform Your Teen — and Stay Informed Yourself—The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with teens before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes. Know your teenager's friends — and know their friends' moms & dads. Regular communication between moms & dads can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Moms & dads can help each other keep track of the teens' activities without making the teens feel that they're being watched.
Maintain Your Expectations—Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their moms & dads place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their moms & dads care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If moms & dads have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them.
Make Appropriate Rules—Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your teenager was a baby. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your teenager keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing teenager doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.
Monitor What Teens See and Read—TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — teens have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.
Pick Your Battles—If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens want to shock their moms & dads and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.
Put Yourself in Your Teenager's Place—Practice empathy by helping your teenager understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.
Respect Teens' Privacy—Some moms & dads, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their teens do is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your teenager's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off. In other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teens are going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!
Will This Ever Be Over? As teens progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults. So remember the motto of many moms & dads with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!
How moms & dads alienate their teens—
None of us set out with the intention to alienate our teens. We all want to be good and effective. We all want to be good and effective moms & dads. The reality however, is that we are only human and therefore capable of making mistakes. What’s important is that we identify these mistakes and understand some of the common ways we alienate our teens. This will help us avoid some of the common pitfalls and build a batter relationship with our youngsters.
This is the single most common way to alienate your teens. Rigid moms & dads are so strict with their teens that their children often have to lie about where they go and who they go and who they are with for fear of igniting their moms & dads’ anger. Such moms & dads feel insecure unless they are in control all the time. They don’t trust their teens to do anything on their own. Such moms & dads act as though they are platoon commanders directing, instructing and threatening when their children fail to comply. They rule with iron fist.
What Teens Need—Rigid moms & dads fail to understand that teens need freedom to grow and learn, and to make decisions and choices of their own. Teens need moms & dads who can guide them and give them space to make mistakes occasionally, not rigid moms & dads who control them in everything they do. Such rigidity can crush their will power.
Don’t Worry about the Way You Communicate—When moms & dads communicate to teens in cold, harsh tones, they can easily distance themselves from their teens. How often have you uttered word like these?
• Because I told you so, that’s why.
• Do I have to do everything for you?
• Just wait till your father gets home.
• Why don’t you act your age?
• You’ll never amount to anything.
Moms & dads can also alienate teens when they passive communication. Here moms & dads don’t say much at all and rarely seize the opportunity to enter into a meaningful conversation with their teens. Instead they answer with yes, sounds good, or oh, that’s terrible!. They also seldom allow their teens to discuss and reason with them. Opportunities to encourage their teens to open up and talk about issues like drugs and premarital sex are lost on these moms & dads.
What Teens Need—Teens need to hear and see from moms & dads the things that are closest to their hearts - messages of love, limits, grace, tolerance, respect and understanding. They need moms & dads to provide an open environment that welcomes and includes them as active participants in meaningful communications. They need moms & dads to listen to their problems. They want to be able to discuss, reason and express their feelings and view. They don’t need parental nagging!
Don’t Worry About Setting Boundaries and Limits—This is yet another common way to alienate your teens. Moms & dads become permissive when they believe that teens are old enough to decide everything for themselves. They allow their youngsters to do whatever they please, letting them bear the consequences of their action. Permissiveness can also arise when moms & dads don’t want to get into constant fights or arguments with their teens. They then let go of their control and guidance. Permissive moms & dads think they get along better with their teens who love them for not being strict.
What Teens Need—Many moms & dads think that teens would prefer to have pushover or permissive parent. The truth is that such moms & dads confuse their teens by not providing the guidance, accountability and structure they so desperately need. While it is true that teens need greater latitude in making choices and decisions on their own, they still want their moms & dads to be around to lend them support in times of need. Teens need moms & dads in the background to guide them and help them say no to peer pressure. They want limits and boundaries that are consistent and considerate.
Forget About Discipline When They Break Rules—Moms & dads who don’t discipline or correct their teens when they break rules are actually saying they don’t care. When moms & dads show a ”no care” attitude, they build a barrier in their relationship with their teens. Not only have the teens not learned good behaviors, they take their problems elsewhere since their moms & dads don’t care whether they are good or bad. Hence, the parent-teenager relationship becomes cool and distant. Moms & dads who don’t take an interest to correct their teens’ misbehaviors face the consequence of alienating them.
What Teens Need--While discipline is painful at times, teens still want their moms & dads to enforce their correcting prerogative. In fact, teens feel secure from knowing that their moms & dads care enough for them to discipline them, or withdraw their privileges when they do wrong. They feel secure in their parent’s love.
Don’t Worry About Building Self-Esteem—One very easy way to alienate your teenager is to destroy his self-worth. Moms & dads who do not encourage or build up their teens’ abilities and potential, but instead tear down their self-confidence and self-worth are hurting the parent-child relationship. Many moms & dads don’t encourage their teens for fear that the more attention a child receives, the more he wants. This however is a misconception. In fact, just the opposite is true. The “don’t give too much, because they’ll just want more” approach actually communicates a tremendously alienating message. Many moms & dads are also guilty of criticizing and magnifying the negative aspects of their teens, and even of name calling. This often destroys the teens respect for both himself and his moms & dads.
What Teens Need—Teens need moms & dads who show confidence and trust in allowing them to take a little more control of their lives. They need moms & dads allow them to experience their potential, understand their limits, and enjoy their talents. They need encouragement when they fail or when they don’t measure up to their own or their parent’s expectations. They need to be uplifted, not crushed!
You Should Never Let Them Grow Up—Such moms & dads feel that their teens still need them! They find it hard to relinquish the reins just yet. Hence, they still insist on choosing their teens’ clothes, career and friends. Frequently, these controlling moms & dads ignore or discount their teenager’s feelings. They tend to be overprotective, smothering their teens in the process. Teens are not allowed to grow in independence may rebel against their moms & dads.
What Teens Need—Adolescents need to be giving a chance to flap their wings and become airborne on their own. They may forget they have wings if they continually find themselves grounded securely under their parent’. Teens need to experience their own limits and boundaries in increasing amount as they mature and earn their moms & dads’ trust. They need to increase their skills, in decision-making and choice making. While teens should be given sufficient room to grow, they will still need their moms & dads’ support and encouragement throughout the growing up process.
This secret to successful parenting is to fully understand the common ways we alienate our teenager. When we know what our teens need, and how to improve our relationship with them through better communication. I’m confident that parent’s will not only become more effective, but that they will derive more enjoyment from the teenager-rearing experience. (The teens will also enjoy you more!)
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