Grandparents Raising Grandkids

Grandfathers/Grandmothers are an important resource for both parents and kids. They routinely provide youngster care, financial assistance and emotional support. Occasionally they are called upon to provide much more including temporary or full time care and responsibility for their grandkids.

An increasing number of kids in the United States live in households headed by a grandparent. This trend is due to:

• AIDS
• death or disability of parents
• incarcerations of parents
• increasing numbers of single parent families
• parental abuse and neglect
• substance abuse by parents
• teenage pregnancies
• the high rate of divorce

In many of these homes, neither of the youngster's biological parents is present. In most cases, kids taken care of by Grandfathers/Grandmothers move in with them as infants or preschoolers and remain with them for five years or more. These Grandfathers/Grandmothers are a diverse group ranging in ages from the thirties to the seventies. Many Grandfathers/Grandmothers are ready to simplify their lives and slow down. Giving that up and taking over the responsibilities of being a primary parent again can stir up many feelings including grief, anger, loss, resentment and possibly guilt. This transition can be very stressful and the emotional and financial burdens can be significant. Culture shock at having to deal with kids and adolescents of a different generation can be great. Grandparent headed households have a significantly higher poverty rate than other kinds of family units.

Many Grandfathers/Grandmothers in this care taking role underestimate or are unaware of the added burdens their new role as "parents" will place upon them. Grandfathers/Grandmothers often assume their role will be to nurture and reward kids without having to set limits. When Grandfathers/Grandmothers serve as parents, however, they must learn to set limits and establish controls as they did with their own kids.

Many kids living with Grandfathers/Grandmothers arrive with preexisting problems or risk factors including abuse, neglect, prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, and loss of parents (death, abandonment and incarceration). This situation can create risks for both kids and Grandfathers/Grandmothers. Caring for your grandkid can also be very positive and rewarding. Grandfathers/Grandmothers bring the benefit of experience and perspective. They can also provide important stability, predictability, and be a healthy role model for their grandkids.

It is very important for Grandfathers/Grandmothers to receive support and assistance. Seeking out other family members, clergy, support groups and social agencies can be helpful. The Grandfathers/Grandmothers Information Center (sponsored by the American Association of Retired Persons) is a good place to get information, referrals and support. The American Association of Retired Persons website address is www.aarp.org. Financial aid may be available especially if the youngster was abandoned, neglected or abused. Mental health professionals including youngster and adolescent psychiatrists, community mental health and youngster welfare agencies and parent-teacher associations are other important resources for the Grandfathers/Grandmothers.

All throughout human history, grandparents have raised the young while parents supplied the basic needs for survival. Parents and grandparent served as a family "team" supporting and nurturing the young. Lately however, the family team has broken apart for many with the result that over the last several decades the numbers of kids being raised by grandparents, either solely, or part-time, has been on the increase. So pervasive is this situation that no grandparent can exclude the possibility that he or she might be faced with the decision to raise grandkids, part or full time, at some time in their lives.

Here are some statistics that will give you an idea of the extent of the issue. A recent report from the U.S.Census (which only partially reflects the widespread nature of this issue) made the following comparison. In the year 1970, 2,214,000 kids under 18 lived in grandparent-headed households, with the mother present in half of these households. By the year 1997, this number was reported as 5,435,000, or 7.7 percent of all kids in the United States. The majority of kids are being raised by 2 grandparents, or a grandmother alone, with different degrees of parent involvement. Since then, the number has increased substantially.

In families that have both grandparents and grandkids, the grandparents are the head of the house three-quarters of the time. The parents are heads of the household in the remaining one-fourth of the homes. In the former arrangement, half of the families have a grandmother and grandfather present. The rest have a grandmother with no spouse. The majority are under 65 years of age and employed. Half of the grandkids are under 6 years of age, and often have neither support nor health insurance. Which underlines the financial as well as the emotional burden for grandparents. Although official census estimates made in the year 2000 hint the number to be more than 6 million it does not present the full picture. I estimate that the number of kids being raised by grandparents in America today, part- or full-time, is now close to 8 million.

A GROWING CHALLENGE FOR GRANDPARENTS—

The dramatic increase in the number of kids who need to be rescued by their grandparents during the last several decades poses an important challenge for grandparents today. For many it involves making a life-changing decision to dedicate one’s life to raising a kid at a time in life when one may be looking forward to more leisure and less responsibility (Minckler& Roe, 1993). The rise in grandparent-headed households reflects both a parent’s understandable need for help with childcare and, in the worst case "parental failure."

What follows will help you to understand some of the reasons for the explosion of this trend, its repercussions on the family and society, and what is being done to help grandparents do the job. For example, as a result of the increase in the number of grandparents raising grandkids, personal and governmental support organizations have been created (thanks to the efforts of many fine and dedicated people). So, if you are raising your grandkid, there are lots of resources, and local support groups, that are available to help you do the best job possible. Some of them are listed at the end of this section and can also be found on websites like www.grandparenting.org and AARP.org.

The more kids you have the greater the chance you will be care-taking a grandkid at some time or another. And, if you are presently raising a grandkid, or even caring part-time for a kid, there is a lot you need to know. Some grandparents ask. Why is this so prevalent today? How do I cope with caring for a grandkid? How do I deal with being a grandparent, and yet sometimes having to act like a parent? Do I have legal standing? Is help available and where can I get it? What can I expect as far as problems are concerned? How does my grandkid feel? How do I deal with parents?

Raising a grandkid is a complicated matter. You will have to know about emotional, financial, health, legal and educational matters. In what follows I will discuss these matters and some emotional and psychological aspects of raising grandkids that you need to know about. Let's start at the beginning.

The Cause: Parental Need or Failure—

When parents falter, nature has arranged it so kids naturally fall into the laps of their grandparents. Caring for a grandkid may be temporary, for example when a parent is ill or in turmoil. It can also be permanent, as in the case of death, serious substance abuse, or incarceration. Following are some of the common circumstances that place kids in jeopardy, forcing them to seek the sanctuary of their grandparents.

• Abandonment of the kid by the parent
• Kid abuse and neglect
• Death of a parent
• Divorce
• Family violence
• Homelessness
• Incarceration
• Parental illness (mental and physical)
• Poverty
• Substance abuse
• Teenage pregnancy
• Unemployment

The Effect: Grandparents To The Rescue—

Many grandparents faced with raising a grandkid experience ambivalent feelings. They become concerned about the welfare of their own kid (the parent) as well as their grandkid. They also have to deal with the reality that taking on the responsibility of caring for a grandkid will turn their lives topsy-turvy. This decision is further influenced by their personality type, values, priorities, life circumstances, how much time and effort will be required to raise a grandkid, how much help and support they can count on from their family and society, their financial status, their health, housing situation, and the amount of responsibility assumed and/or authority they have.

Some grandparents perceive taking on a parental role late in life as a blessing and are grateful for the opportunity to form a deeper bond with their grandkid. Other grandparents while enjoying its pleasures, still resent the responsibility and attendant inconveniences that are involved in raising a grandkid. The health effects of raising a grandkid depend on the basic health and vitality of the grandparent. Some grandparents say that raising a grandkid, although stressful and tiring at times, has increased their vitality and zest for life (Caren 1991, Kornhaber 1996). Others say their health is adversely affected (Minckler 1999). Most researchers agree that more study is needed in this area (Bower 1991).

Many have to deal with their resentment toward the grandkid’s parents for thrusting the responsibility upon them. Others view the failure of the parent as their own failure and feel responsible and overwhelmed with guilt. Many other grandparents express concern about the fate of their grandkid if they die or become too ill to care for the kid.

The degrees of resentment or acceptance they experience is closely related to whether or not they have a choice in the matter. Raquelle, a 47-year-old grandmother was awakened at 3 A.M. by a knock on her front door. When she opened the door she found her two-month old grandson on the front steps, neatly wrapped and sleeping in a small basket. Her drug-addicted daughter had left her baby there. "I had to take the baby in," Raquelle said. "My daughter was back on the street, and there was no one else to care for her. I don’t like it but what alternative do I have? I am not giving my grandkid over to strangers to raise."

When their daughter and son-in law were killed in an auto accident Peter and Gloria automatically took in their four grandkids to care for them. "They are my grandkids, my flesh and blood," said Peter. Who else is going to care for them the way Gloria and I do?" For some timing is a challenge. Elders who are ready to slow down and relax more, may understandably resent being forced into care-taking a young person. Della, 67 was ready to retire when her son, who was divorced and just joined the Air Force, deposited his two kids at her home. "I wasn't happy about it," she said, "but I had no choice except to raise them up."

Naturally, the lives of grandparents undergo great change when their grandkid moves in with them. Instead of spending time with their friends, they become immersed in the social life and schoolwork of their grandkid. And it can be especially difficult when a grandparent has a grandkid with emotional or behavioral difficulties. Some complain about being tired and overworked and resent it. Others feel that raising a grandkid has given them new meaning which compensates for the fatigue they feel. So, if you are raising your grandkid, expect to have many different feelings. On the one hand you will have to sacrifice a certain amount of your freedom. On the other hand, you are saving your grandkid's life

LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS—

The legal status of kids raised by grandparents can be tenuous. For example, many kids who live with their grandparents because of a parental substance abuse problem that waxes and wanes are often fearful because their parents still have legal custody. This tenuous situation makes kids frightened of being taken from their grandparents by a parent in the process of recovering from a drug problem because of the fear of relapse. Bouncing back and forth between grandma’s house and a frequently relapsing parent is very disruptive to kids. According to Sylvie de Toledo, L.C.S.W., who started Grandparents as Parents (GAP), a support system in California for grandparents raising grandkids (see "Resources"), this "revolving door" syndrome is common. Parents with unresolved drug problems reclaim their kids when they are in a period of remission. Then, when a relapse occurs, they abandon the youngster once again. When this happens the kid gets confused about where he belongs and fearful that his living routine will be disrupted. That is why grandparents raising grandkid should obtain some kind of legal custody for their grandkids until they are assured the parent is able to take over.

One 8-year-old who participated in our Grandparent Study was shuttled back and forth between her mother and grandmother's homes seventeen times in just three years. She said, "My mother goes into rehab and she's all right for a little while. Then she leaves the hospital, takes me from Grandma and brings me to her house. In a week or two she's back on drugs. Then I go to Grandma's and Mom goes back to rehab." Barbara Kirkland, a pioneer in the grandparent caretaker movement, has stated that if parents aren't available, grandparents should be given the legal means to provide the stable environment kids need. Ms. Kirkland told me, "Arrangements should be made for kids to get on with their lives, not remain in limbo. All kids deserve a future of belonging."

That is why a grandparent’s legal status is so important (see Chapter 42, "Legal Issues"). To have total responsibility and authority for your grandkid you may choose adoption, full or temporary custody, or guardianship. You can pursue full custody if your grandkid’s parents are dead, abusive, incarcerated or terminally ill. When custody is established by law, you gain rights and benefits not offered with other care-taking arrangements. For example, subsidized health insurance, social services housing, and school enrollment are made available to you as a grandparent raising a grandkid. Full custody is necessary if you wish to protect your grandkid from a parent's dysfunction, or to be free to raise your grandkid if the parent dies. When the parent is living and you have custody be aware that a situation might arise where the parent may wish to regain custody of their kid. This can be a bad or good thing depending on the competence of the parent to take care of their kid.

Other legal arrangements such as adoption, which terminates a parent's rights, temporary custody, and obtaining the status of a foster parent, serve you with a measure of legal security that will help you maintain a balance of power between yourself and the parents. If you have no legal recognition of your care-taking status, you may have difficulty accessing social support systems or medical, educational or financial services.

COPING—

You can expect a radical change in your lifestyle when you raise a grandkid full-time. If you have full, uninterrupted custody you will experience lifestyle changes that can affect your work life, friendships, daily activities and retirement plans. You will have to be involved with your grandkid's health, education and social life. If you are single, or have economic or health problems, you will need personal support as well as that of social service agencies. You will have to deal with the common issues grandparents are concerned about; their legal rights, attitudes of insurance companies toward insuring grandkids, financial strain, health problems, dealing with parents, obtaining adequate school service for the grandkid.

The quality of your relationship with your grandkid’s parent and the terms of your arrangement with them will obviously impact dramatically on your degree of responsibility as your grandkid’s caretaker. For example, if you are parenting a kid and grandkid at the same time, you will have constant, but varying, responsibility and authority because you have to act as a full-time parent and grandparent at the same time (Jendrek 1993).

You may have other grandkids who need your attention too. If you are providing regular daycare while parents work, you can send your grandkid home at the end of the day. You can also provide "stop gap" respite care. For example, providing sanctuary for a teenager having difficulty with parents is a temporary situation that ends when parents and kid are reunited.

Although grandparents raising a grandkid full-time recognize the life giving and energizing benefits of their position, they are also aware that the role can be time-consuming, fatiguing and often financially and emotionally burdensome. In one study of grandparents and great-grandparents rearing their kids's kids as a consequence of parental drug addiction, Burton (1992) concluded that while "respondents found parenting their grandkids an emotionally rewarding experience, they also incurred psychological, physical and economic costs in performing their roles. Some grandparents resent the disruption in their lives caused by their grandkid’s needs for time and attention. Others raising debilitated grandkids - kids addicted to cocaine, afflicted with fetal alcohol syndrome, malnourished, or suffering with other health, behavioral or learning problems - may be resentful of the extra care the kid requires."

Support for grandparents raising grandkids is vital for successful care-taking. Studies show that grandparents who cope well with their situation are those who seek out other family members and support groups to help them deal with their concerns. Others use their strong spiritual beliefs to bolster them. It is important that grandparents take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually to be effective caretakers of their grandkids.

Dealing with Social Agencies—

Grandparents raising a grandkid must learn how to deal with organizations and institutions to obtain the support they so desperately need. In the past, society's institutions did not support grandparent's efforts to obtain adequate funding, health care, education, or respite resources for their grandkid. Neither was help available to grandparents raising grandkids who were concerned with issues such as their authority, control, sibling rivalry, the generation gap, their grandkid’s education, their own illness and mortality, their sense of isolation, defensiveness, anger, fear of going crazy, guilt, shame, separation and abandonment. Because of the efforts of dedicated, caring advocates, today there is a great deal of help available for grandparents from social agencies. Joining a local grandparent support group is a great way to get the latest information as well as support from grandparents who are in the same situation as you. The names of groups in your area can be obtained from organizations like Generations United and the AARP Information Center (see "Resources").

If you choose to join a support group, here are some of the issues and problems that you may want to discuss with your peers:

GUIDELINES FOR DISCUSSION TO ENHANCE SUPPORT—

• Care-giving grandparents without legal custody must give up their grandkids to the kid's parents without assurance of the kid's health or well-being.

• Financial assistance, especially problems in receiving adequate financial help on a par with foster parents.

• Grandparents cannot help their grandkids in treatment centers without parents' permission.

• Grandparents often cannot obtain emergency medical care for their grandkid unless they have legal custody.

• Housing issues. The households of caretaking grandparents do not conform to the traditional definition of family as defined in zoning laws thus they may be excluded from living in a single family-zoned community.

• Many insurance companies do not allow grandparents to carry their grandkids as dependents.
Many schools will not admit a kid unless the kid's parent is living with the grandparent; thus grandparents are denied authority concerning the schooling of their grandkids and even transportation to another school district.

• Social security benefits are not payable to care-giving grandparents unless they adopt the kid.

• The difficulties in obtaining medical attention without formal custody.

Grandparents whose grandkids live with them full-time yet who do not have custody may have to pay for their grandkid's education and medical needs as well as day-to-day support. Although the state offers financial support to parents and foster parents through the Aid to Dependent Kids Program, no such help is easily given to grandparents. Furthermore, grandparent groups claim that some government agencies have been negligent in seeking counsel from grandparents concerning the disposition of an abandoned kid. There are cases cited in which state agencies, ignoring the wishes of grandparents seeking to raise their own grandkid, have placed the kid in the care of a series of strangers.

PARENT OR GRANDPARENT?—

Caring for your grandkid challenges your generational identity. The difficult and tricky task is to maintain your grandparent identity while acting as a parent. My experience, and that of others (Kennedy & Keeny 1988) shows that kids raised by grandparents would prefer their grandparents to remain grandparents. Even if they want to, kids cannot banish their parents from their minds and hearts; it is common knowledge that kids who lose their parents create dreams and fantasies to deal with the loss, such as idealizing their parents, having fantasies of being reunited with them, etc. Just as they may project anger onto a custodial parent as a result of the pain of divorce, kids may rationalize the loss of parents and even blame grandparents for their loss. Therefore, grandparents must be very careful not to be caught in the battle zone between their grandkid and the psychological work he or she has to do to resolve issues with the parent.

Whatever his or her experience with a parent, your grandkid has a need to have a healthy and loving parent. As a grandparent who is aware of this fact, try to defer your own needs to those of your grandkid. Demonstrate flexibility by moving in and out of the various roles you may be required to play, such as nurturer, mentor, role model, playmate and "parent." Your support and love can help your grandkid work through the difficult issues they may be grappling with.

One grandmother in the Grandparent Study asked her granddaughter, Paula, "Do you want me to be your grandmother acting like a parent or should I just be your mother?" Paula replied, "If I am your grandkid I will not have a mother or father. And if I don't have you I don't have anybody." When her grandmother signed the custody papers, Paula said, "Grandma, when I go to school tomorrow can I tell them I have a real Mom now?" Clearly, Paula needed her grandmother to play the role of parent. As Paula ages, her feelings may change or perhaps she will always need to see her grandmother in the guise of "parent."

The extent to which you play the "parent" over the "grandparent" is affected by a number of factors, i.e., the presence of other young kids at home, your age, whether or not you have custody of your grandkid, etc. Providing kids with a sense of stability and continuity is critical. Whether or not you play the role of parent for your grandkid, it is reassuring to know that, having learned from your own mistakes, you will be more competent at parenting a second time around. Daisy, a 55-year-old grandmother, said, "I feel good that I’m not making the same mistakes with my grandkid that I did with my kids." Her husband, Olin, 60-years-old, agrees: "I never gave my own kids the time and attention I give my grandson. I wish I had my own family to raise again. I would be a much better father."

Grandparents acting in a parental role often ask me about what happens to the "magical" ingredients of the grandparent-grandkid relationship-- the unconditional love, playfulness, spoiling, and loving "conspiracy" against the middle generation? These are qualities that are usually rooted in the grandparent's lack of direct responsibility for their grandkid. When you raise a grandkid, you may have to relinquish some of your grandparental prerogatives. Kids need behavioral limits and lacking a parent to enforce the rules, you must step in and lay down the law. If your grandkid has behavioral difficulties, you may have to play the role of "enforcer" even more than usual. Grandparents who raise their grandkids do tend to lose some of the "magical" qualities of their relationship with their grandkid, but at the same time also experience a degree of intimacy that might not otherwise be attained. Remember that a loving and flexible grandparent responds to the needs of the kid. Be what the kid needs you to be at that moment.

How Your Grandkid Feels—

I have found that kids raised by grandparents tend to be less rebellious and more understanding and grateful than other kids. Christine, 21-years-old and raised by her grandmother, said, "When I was a teenager most of my friends stayed out well beyond their curfew and often fought like hell with their parents. Not me. I knew my grandparents were doing all they could to keep things together. I didn't want to give them any grief so I always tried to come home on time."

Studies hint that kids without serious pre-existing problems who are raised by grandparents are healthier than kids in single parent or remarried families, have fewer behavioral problems and are better adapted socially. On the other hand, they recognize that many kids do have problems that started before their grandparents took over. In that case as well intentioned as the grandparent may be, the problems still need to be addressed.

My own experience convinces me that kids are thankful for what their grandparents are doing for them. Most grandparents realize the importance of what they are doing as well; being quite aware they are saving their grandkid. Few have reservations about what they have given up to achieve this. "Not for one second," James, 52-years-old, answered when asked if he had any hesitation about raising his grandkids after their parents were killed in a car crash. "It's natural to take them. That's what grandparents are for." "If my grandparents didn't take care of me, I'd be dead," said James’ 6-year-old grandson, Ralph.

Dealing With Parents—

If you are raising your grandkid, you must not forget you are still the parent of your grandkid’s parent. Even though you may be very angry and have lost respect for your kid, it is very important to recognize your kid as your grandkid’s parent and to help your own kid as much as possible. Perhaps your ability to be kind and forgiving will be taxed, but always remember that people do grow and change. Maintain a hopeful attitude, yet at the same time, always look reality in the face. Assure your kid that there will always be a place for her in the family. This behavior on your part sends a wonderful message to your grandkid, for they will be observing how you relate to their parent. For the sake of your grandkid, keep the lines of communication open to the parents.

GRANDPARENT SUPPORT GROUPS—

To help grandparents raising grandkids manage their responsibilities, a plethora of local support groups and national organizations have sprung up all across THE United States. Support groups such as The AARP Grandparent Information Center, Generations United, Grandparents Raising Grandkids, GAP (Grandparents As Parents), and ROCKing (Raising Our Kids's Kids) can help (see "Resources" below for more). If you are raising a grandkid, I urge you to join a local support group. Here are some guidelines to follow to increase public awareness about this issue, and the quality of services available in your community. Share these ideas and suggestions with local agencies.

CONCLUSION—

Raising a grandkid can be challenging and yet highly rewarding. Indeed, what greater gift could a grandparent receive than the love and respect of their grandkid who appreciates the sacrifices their grandparents made so that they would grow to be happy, healthy people? The words of loving praise that these grandkids have for their grandparents brings tears to the eyes of all who hear them and a glow to the hearts of the grandparents who deserve them.

If you are raising a grandkid, you have an added responsibility to educate others about what you are doing so you are supported and respected for your efforts. To this end make the effort to join together with other grandparents raising grandkids and urge government agencies, the legal system, schools, insurance companies, social agencies, religious and other institutions to recognize the good you are doing and to help lighten your burden as much as possible. To begin this effort get in touch with one of the organizations I have listed in the resources section. You will find that they have already done a great deal of work on your behalf. There is strength in numbers.

Resources—

Resources for grandparents raising grandkid have proliferated recently. For information about local resources, it is best to do a search on the World Wide Web. Contact your state agency on aging for help. The following organizations and agencies are very helpful too.

The AARP Grandparent Information Center. Lists support groups for grandparents raising grandkids, publishes a helpful and informative bulletin, and works hard in the best interest of grandparents and grandkids. www.aarp.org

Generations United. Lists support groups for grandparents raising grandkids and publishes supplies helpful information and woeks hard to affect public policy for the better.. 122 C. Street N.W. Suite 820 Washington, DC 20001-2109 Phone 202-638-1263 www.gu.org.

Online Parent [and Grandparent] Support