Permissive Parenting

Moms & dads generally tend toward giving adolescents what they ask for -- within limits. Knowing what the limits should be is the real trick of parenting these days.

For example, do you feel comfortable saying 'NO' to going to an unsupervised party?

Here is a list of permissive parenting styles that describes the approaches many adults take toward dealing with their adolescents. See if you find yourself here.

General Confused Permissiveness
This is the most common type of permissive parenting. These are moms & dads who feel out of touch with the contemporary adolescent world but have a vague feeling that the best thing they can do is be a friend to their adolescent. Moms & dads generally try to give the adolescent whatever he or she asks for.

Compensatory Permissiveness
This is the style often adopted by moms & dads who grew up in poverty or who feel that their own moms & dads were too strict. They want to give their adolescent the material goods and behavioral freedom they themselves were denied. Moms & dads want to see themselves as an ally of their adolescent.

Conditional Permissiveness
This style is when moms & dads will give the adolescent what he or she wants on condition that the adolescent satisfy certain parental demands, which are usually not explicit. Freedom and material benefits are often given in return for behavior that reflects well on the family, such as making good grades or buttering up Aunt Sophie. Moms & dads tend to see the adolescents as mini-adults.

Indifferent Permissiveness
This describes moms & dads who are too involved with other things to take an active part in their adolescent's life. They tend to give material goods and freedom in return for the adolescent's not making too many demands on their time. Moms & dads may be overwhelmed by real problems in their lives, such as illness or poverty; they may be substance-dependent; or they may just be too self-absorbed to take a real interest in their adolescent.

All of these attitudes are likely to backfire.

One problem is that the adolescent is likely to see his privileges and material goods as inherent rights rather than as benefits contingent on parental approval. The adolescent is likely to keep raising the ante, asking for more and more, until moms & dads hit a limit. This can result in a cyclical overreaction. The moms & dads say "No," and the adolescent gets into trouble, making it clear that the adolescent thinks the moms & dads are unfairly trying to control his or her life. The moms & dads get scared, feeling their authority is at risk.

Moms & dads will typically then try to regain control by limiting some resource that the adolescent values -- the car, clothes, money. The adolescent correctly perceives that this is a power struggle, and feels that his or her self-esteem is on the line.

Adolescents will often fight back by escalating behavior over which the moms & dads have little or no control -- friends, sexual behavior, substance abuse. The power struggle is now getting played for dangerous stakes. Moms & dads are suddenly confronted with the fact that their power over their adolescent rests with the adolescent's acceptance of their authority.

Talk with your adolescent about expectations and intentions.

Fortunately, most moms & dads and adolescents have enough residue of caring about each other to talk these issues through in calmer moments so that both can survive adolescence.

One way to do this is to establish a negotiation process. Moms & dads and adolescents can acknowledge openly that there are areas where moms & dads have a legitimate right to exercise control over the decisions and behavior of the adolescent. Then there are areas where moms & dads and adolescents must negotiate the extent of authority that that each has. Growing up is seen as this gradual extension of authority to the adolescent.

In this way, the adolescent develops decision-making skills while still under the protection of the parent. Moms & dads are expected to state the reasons for their decisions, rather than arbitrarily withdrawing privileges out of anger and hurt.

There's nothing like living with a adolescent to make you examine yourself and your value system.

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