House Rules for Teens

Limits and house-rules are necessary to create order and productivity -- the lack of which creates chaos and confusion. House-rules provide the basis of understanding for what is expected, whether in the workplace, classroom, community or family. If a classroom had no house-rules, very little learning would occur. If a community operated without rules, it would cease to be a safe place to live. Likewise, if harmony is to be maintained within the family, there must be a proper set of family house-rules, understandings or expectations that are based on your family values.

If your adolescent is usually compliant and responsible, you will probably only need to have a few house-rules. However, if you are dealing with a difficult or defiant adolescent, you are already familiar with the need for a more defined structure.

SETTING CORE HOUSE-RULES –

When setting house-rules, you want to identify some basic core house-rules and then support the core house-rules by establishing several small preventive house-rules.

For example:

If you have a core rule of "Don't use drugs," then you will want to set some preventive house-rules such as WHO your adolescent may associate with, WHAT types of activities are allowed, WHERE your adolescent is allowed to go, and WHEN your adolescent may go as well as when he or she is expected to return. It would be foolish to think your adolescent could hang out at the wrong places or associate with drug-using friends and remain drug free.

When you create preventive house-rules along with your main core house-rules, it provides your adolescent with the greatest amount of protection. It also allows you to be involved so that you can be aware of problems early and resolve them before they become overwhelming.

VERIFYING YOUR ADOLESCENT'S PLANS –

One way to keep tabs on your adolescent is to take the time to verify all of your adolescent's plans. If your adolescent says she is going to spend the night at her friend's house, then get the phone number and call the friend's moms & dads to make sure that the friend's moms & dads know about these arrangements and have okayed this plan. It is amazing how many kids walk out the door and say, "Bye, I'm spending the night at Mary's; see you in the morning," and then head off to a drug or alcohol party or a rave because their moms & dads never bothered to double-check their arrangements.

In my experience, most moms & dads who receive these types of calls from another parent are actually very happy to see that you are concerned enough about your child's welfare to verify his or her arrangements. This also gets the moms & dads working together on their adolescents' behalf. Groups of moms & dads who are united in maintaining the safety and welfare of their children can be a powerful force for a adolescent to reckon with.

One thing I should point out is that if you have any suspicions about whether or not you are really talking to a parent when you make your phone call (I have had situations where my adolescent's friends got on the line and pretended to be a parent), then either visit the house and talk to the parent directly or veto your adolescent's plans and make him/her stay home. If your adolescent knows that you will check every plan she makes, she will be a lot less likely to make plans you don't approve of or to end up in a place she should not be.

MAINTAINING GOOD GRADES –

If you want your adolescent to maintain good grades, you may need to have some clear preventive house-rules in areas such as: school attendance, completing daily homework, and obtaining weekly progress reports. The key is that rather than waiting until the end of the semester to see if your adolescent receives good grades, you set house-rules and create a structure that will help your adolescent along the way and maximize their chances for success.

ESTABLISHING WRITTEN HOUSE-RULES –

In order to clarify your house-rules and make sure that there is no misunderstanding or excuses regarding house-rules you set, consider writing up a Home House-rules Contract with a adolescent which clearly states each rule the adolescent is to follow. Many times, having the adolescent do the rough draft of a home contract for himself can provide structure for your adolescent that he will agree with since he helped to set it up.

House-rules in a home contract should be clearly written, not too overbearing, and should be discussed thoroughly so that there is no question as to the meaning of the rule. If the contract is too punitive and restrictive, your adolescent may be overwhelmed by this new contract rather than helped by it.

Sometimes, a adolescent will want to put responsibility on you in a home contract. For example, a younger adolescent might ask for a stipulation in the contract that states that if he does all his chores for the week without a lot of fuss, in exchange you will drive him to the movies or roller skating on Friday night. As long as you are okay with your adolescent going to the movies and roller skating and also approve of the friends he might see at these places, this is generally a fair arrangement for a adolescent and parent to enter into.

Conflict is inevitable with difficult or defiant adolescents. Consistently addressing and resolving conflicts over small issues, such as homework, dress, grooming and curfew, is your best preventive measure to avoid the large, devastating issues such as adolescent pregnancy, substance abuse and failing grades. "Take care of the small things, and the big things will take care of themselves," really applies when it comes to administering house-rules.

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