Answering children' questions about sex is one of the responsibilities many moms & dads dread most. Otherwise confident moms & dads often feel tongue-tied and awkward when it comes to sex. But the subject shouldn't be avoided. By answering children' questions as they arise, moms & dads can help foster healthy feelings about sex.
When do children start becoming curious about sex?
Children are human beings and therefore sexual beings. It's hard for moms & dads to acknowledge this, just as it's hard for children to think of their moms & dads as sexually active. But even infants have curiosity about their own bodies, which is healthy and normal.
What sort of "sexual" behavior do young children exhibit?
Toddlers will often touch themselves when they are naked, such as in the bathtub or while being diapered. At this stage of development, they have no modesty. Their moms & dads' reaction will tell them whether their actions are acceptable. Toddlers should not be scolded or made to feel ashamed of being interested in their bodies. It is natural for children to be interested in their own bodies. Some moms & dads may choose to casually ignore self-touching. Others may want to acknowledge that, while they know it feels good, it is a private matter. Moms & dads can make it clear that they expect the youngster to keep that activity private.
Moms & dads should only be concerned about masturbation if a youngster seems preoccupied with it to the exclusion of other activities. Victims of sexual abuse sometimes become preoccupied with self-stimulation.
Is it OK to use nicknames for private parts?
By the time a youngster is 3 years of age, moms & dads may choose to use the correct anatomical words. They may sound clinical, but there is no reason why the proper label shouldn't be used when the youngster is capable of saying it. These words — penis, vagina, etc. — should be stated matter-of-factly, with no implied silliness. That way, the youngster learns to use them in a direct manner, without embarrassment.
In fact, this is what most moms & dads do. A Gallup Poll showed that 67% of moms & dads use actual names to refer to male and female body parts.
What do you tell a very young youngster who asks where babies come from?
Depending on the youngster's age, you can say that the baby grows from an egg in the mommy's womb, pointing to your stomach, and comes out of a special place, called the vagina. There is no need to explain the act of lovemaking because very young children will not understand the concept.
However, you can say that when a man and a woman love each other, they like to be close to one another. Tell them that the man's sperm joins the woman's egg and then the baby begins to grow. Most children under the age of 6 will accept this answer. Age-appropriate books on the subject are also helpful. Answer the question in a straightforward manner, and you will probably find that your youngster is satisfied with a little information at a time.
What should you do if you catch children "playing doctor" (showing private parts to each other)?
Children 3 to 6 years old are most likely to "play doctor." Many moms & dads overreact when they witness or hear of such behavior. Heavy-handed scolding is not the way to deal with it. Nor should moms & dads feel this is or will lead to promiscuous behavior. Often, the presence of a parent is enough to interrupt the play.
You may wish to direct your youngster's attention to another activity without making a lot of fuss. Later, sit down with your youngster for a talk. Explain that although you understand the interest in his or her friend's body, but that people are generally expected to keep their bodies covered in public. This way you have set limits without having made the youngster feel guilty.
This is also an appropriate age to begin to talk about good and bad touch. Tell children that their bodies are their own and that they have the right to privacy. No one should touch children if they don't like it or want it. Tell them that if anyone ever touches them in a way that feels strange or bad, they should tell that person to stop it and then tell you about it. Explain that you want to know about anything that makes your children feel bad or uncomfortable.
When should moms & dads sit children down for that all-important "birds and bees" talk?
Actually, never! Learning about sex should not occur in one all-or-nothing session. It should be more of an unfolding process, one in which children learn, over time, what they need to know. Questions should be answered as they arise so that children' natural curiosity is satisfied as they mature.
If your youngster doesn't ask questions about sex, don't just ignore the subject. At about age 5, you can begin to introduce books that approach sexuality on a developmentally appropriate level. Moms & dads often have trouble finding the right words, but many excellent books are available to help.
At what age should nudity in the home be curtailed?
Families set their own standards for nudity, modesty, and privacy. Although every family's values are different, privacy is an important concept for all children to learn. Moms & dads should explain limits regarding privacy the same way that other house rules are explained — matter-of-factly — so that children don't come to associate privacy with guilt or secrecy. Generally, they'll learn from the limits you establish for them.
To what extent can moms & dads depend on schools to teach sex education?
Moms & dads should begin the sex education process long before it starts in school. The introduction of formal sex education in the classroom varies; many schools start it in the fifth or sixth grade. Some of the topics addressed in sex-ed class may include anatomy, contraception, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. Moms & dads should be open to continuing the dialogue and answering questions at home. Schools tend to teach mechanics and science more than values. This is an area where moms & dads can and should have something to teach.
At what age should girls be told about menstruation?
Girls (and boys!) should have information about menstruation by about age 8, some of which may be provided in school. Instructional books are helpful, but moms should also share their own personal experiences with their daughters, including when their periods first started and what it felt like, and how, like many things, it wasn't such a big deal after a while.
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