Dealing with Disrespectful Adolescents

Adolescents are seldom disrespectful without a reason, because every youngster wants to be loved and valued. They would not risk their feeling of security and inclusion for the sake of it. The following are the most common reasons for disrespect, especially when:

1. They feel unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. This is the main reason why adolescents go off the rails and behave badly.

This is their way of getting back and hurting the mom or dad for the lack of worth they feel. They do not have a strong sense of value and so the respect goes. Their behavior is more like retaliation and revenge for not feeling loved and appreciated. Kids need to be shown love and affection daily. A simple hug, a kind word and positive reinforcement are essential to show value and appreciation and increase the adolescent's feeling of security and self-worth. Moms & dads who were not shown outward affection themselves might feel awkward in this regard but affirming that adolescent regularly as a valued person is very important.

2. They are not affirmed or reinforced, but mainly criticized; their views and feelings are not respected either. This often happens in strict homes where there is too much discipline, too little slack and too many expectations which the adolescents find difficult to fulfill. They have no way of thriving as their own individual and the frustration is evident in disrespectful behavior. Many moms & dads are so keen for the youngster to develop in their own image and likeness, they forget that there is an independent person waiting to emerge and unwittingly stifle their growth. This of course causes resentment, anger and lack of respect. The main tip here is NOT to criticize before you praise. Always begin with praise when you have to be corrective and, where possible, don't criticize at all, simply affirm every desired or acceptable thing they do. In this way, you will bring desired behavior to the fore and reduce the undesirable ones. ALWAYS try to compromise with the youngster's need and not just insist on your own. It shows respect for their feelings and aspirations and teaches them to respect yours too.

For example, when my kids were growing up and started dating, they were requested to bring every new friend home. They could have them in their room but the door had to be always open and the friend had to leave by midnight. It meant that we did not have to worry where my adolescents were in the evenings; I did not try to control their lives and they had a chance to meet their friends openly instead of being furtive. It also showed the friends the standard of behavior expected in our home.

3. They are emotionally hurting and in pain. Many kids hurt for lots of reasons that their moms & dads are not even aware of. Often the moms & dads get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The youngster could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a mom or dad makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the adolescent may perceive are missing.

The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities without being intrusive. Wait until they are ready to open up. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.

4. They have been indulged and spoilt, not taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. Disrespect is rife in homes where moms & dads have been permissive in bringing up their kids and where there are few firm rules set for appropriate behavior. It is easy for the youngster to push the boundaries and behave in a disrespectful way because they know no different and believe that kind of behavior would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the adolescents are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment and bad behavior is their way of rebelling against this. The best tips here are to be firm but fair with the youngster from as early as possible in their life, to be consistent but flexible with rules and to ensure that the boundaries for good behavior are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that adolescents are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will then become routine in their behavior and help to make them more confident, especially in the more competitive adult world.

5. They are copying mom or dad's behavior. Kids in homes where the moms & dads do not treat each other with any respect, and where language is abusive, critical or inappropriate, tend to use those examples as their guidelines and behave accordingly. Moms & dads teach their kids not only through what they say, but most importantly, through what they DO. Kids will pick up inappropriate and ambiguous behavior when they have been set the wrong examples. The moms & dads might not want that to happen but that is the only outcome where there is no other model to copy. The best tip in this instance is to behave in a manner which you wish your adolescent to adopt. Set the right tone and behavior consistently and they are likely to follow because they will be able to make the right decision for themselves when they are faced with conflicting behaviors and have to choose.

The main thing to remember is that adolescents learn from their moms & dads, both spoken and unspoken behavior. To get the kind of adolescents we desire, simply reinforce the behavior that is desired while quietly reducing more inappropriate ones, especially in an atmosphere of flexibility and mutual respect.

Don’t take it personally—

Respect, disrespect and compliance are often issues that become entangled between moms & dads and kids. Here’s how I see it: moms & dads have a right to expect compliance from all the kids who are living in their house, even if that youngster is 22 years old. Often, the friction is caused by an adolescent’s legitimate need to become more independent as he develops. This is precisely where moms & dads and adolescents come into conflict: the mom or dad wants compliance and the adolescent wants independence. Now let’s take it one step further: When the adolescent doesn’t comply, the mom or dad feels disrespected—and they make the mistake of personalizing that feeling.

I think that adolescents have to learn to solve the problem of compliance in healthy ways. But moms & dads also need to understand that many times, their youngster’s small acts of rebelliousness come from the fact that they want to be independent—it has nothing to do with disrespect.

Here’s an example. Let’s say a adolescent is late for curfew. The mom or dad says, “Why are you late?” The kid gives them some excuse, and the mom or dad asks, “Well, why didn’t you call?” The adolescent replies, “Well, I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of my friends.” The mom or dad comes back with, “Well, you’re not going out Friday night as a result; you have to take more responsibility to be on time and to call if you’re going to be late.” While giving the youngster this consequence is fair, if the mom or dad then says, “You have no right to disrespect me that way” and they take it personally, they’re on the wrong track.

One of the biggest mistakes moms & dads can make is to take their youngster’s behavior personally. The truth is you should never fall into that trap because the adolescent next door is doing the same thing to his moms & dads, and your cousin’s daughter is doing the same thing to her moms & dads. Your role is to just deal with your youngster’s behavior as objectively as possible. When moms & dads don’t have effective ways to deal with these kinds of things, they may feel out of control and get scared—and often overreact or under react to the situation. When they overreact, they become too rigid, and when they under react, they ignore the behavior or tell themselves it’s “just a phase.” Either way, it won’t help your youngster learn to manage his thoughts or emotions more effectively, and be more respectful.

Disrespectful Things Moms & dads Can - and Should – Ignore—

Generally, I recommend that moms & dads ignore the mildly disrespectful things that their kids do. We’ve talked about eye rolling and stomping up the stairs, but I would also include things like muttering about how life isn’t fair, sighing dramatically or even slamming their bedroom door on occasion.

When my son was a adolescent, there were times when we’d tell him to do something and he’d walk up the stairs to his room mumbling, “Man, I hate this garbage.” We allowed that display of emotion because we weren’t threatened by it. My wife and I would simply look at each other and chuckle after he’d left and say, “Yeah, yeah, whatever—just go do your homework.” I personally think that kids need to be able to express their frustration about living within a family and following its rules. So I advise moms & dads to tolerate that type of behavior. After all, your adolescent needs to learn how to have feelings and opinions of his own, and he has to have a safe place in which he can express his frustration—and sometimes you’ll see him do this in very immature ways.

By the way, there were moms & dads with whom I’ve worked who didn’t have the tolerance to allow that kind of behavior. They felt that it was a threat to their authority, and they ended up challenging it at every turn. But I believe that if your adolescent is otherwise managing his life—getting good enough grades, being a good enough kid, not doing criminal or anti-social things, not doing high risk things—that type of behavior isn’t a threat to the moms & dads’ authority at all. Rather, I believe that when kids engage in mildly rebellious expressions of frustration, it’s a sign that you clearly have the authority. Think of it this way: it’s not a challenge to your authority, it’s an expression of frustration about your authority. That means the ball is in your court. There’s no reason to throw it to your youngster and give power to their annoying—but harmless—behavior.

Disrespectful Child Behavior Moms & dads Should NOT Ignore—

Make no mistake, when true disrespect is directed toward a specific mom or dad or sibling and it’s demeaning and rude, it has to be dealt with immediately. If your youngster doesn’t see where that line between disrespect and mild rebelliousness is, sit down with them when things are going well and say, “Listen, if you want to stomp up the stairs because you’re frustrated and you think things aren’t fair, that’s okay with me. But if you start calling people names and being rude to family members, you’re going to be held accountable for that behavior. So, don’t go too far.”

If you’ve noticed that your youngster has already crossed the line and is behaving in an increasingly disrespectful manner, you can say, “Look, there’s a line that I think you’re crossing when you talk to us. If you want to roll your eyes and say “Whatever,” that’s fine with me. I don’t want to fight with you about that. But name calling, blaming, and yelling are not acceptable. You are responsible not to do those things.” Always put these ideas together for your kids: responsibility, accountability, and consequences. What that looks like is, “You’re responsible to behave a certain way. I’m going to hold you accountable for that behavior, and there will be consequences if you don’t take responsibility for it.” Just complete that circle for your youngster so they can see the relationship between these three important ideas.

Here’s an example. Let’s say your teenage son has called his sister a rude or hurtful name, and you’ve sent him to his room. When things have calmed down, sit down with him and say, “You know, I’ve been hearing you say disrespectful things to your sister. And I just want to remind you that if you’re rude or hurtful to her, it’s as bad as being disrespectful to me. And the consequence for that kind of behavior is…” And let him know what is going to happen.

Let’s see how that conversation might go:

You: “You know the consequences for disrespectful behavior in this house. I’m taking your phone away until you’re not disrespectful for four hours. You’ve got a chance to get it back a half hour before bedtime, so don’t blow it.”

Your child: “Whatever. I’m going to bed anyway.”

You: “OK, that’s fine with me. We can start the clock when you wake up.”

Your child: “That’s not fair! I need my phone tomorrow.”

You: “That’s not my problem. My problem is how do I get you to stop talking to your sister that way? And your problem is, why are you using disrespect as a way to deal with your negative feelings? And believe me, calling your sister names doesn’t solve that problem in an effective way. That’s not acceptable in this home.”

Note that the mom or dad here took her son’s phone away for a relatively short period of time—four hours. I believe that’s better than taking it for a day or two because now, the mom or dad has the youngster working to get it back. The adolescent has to focus on the new behavior of being respectful—or at least not being rude and disrespectful—in order to earn back his cell phone. In doing this, you’re creating a pathway for better behavior, and you’re working toward a culture of accountability and respect in your home.

A Final Word: Respect Begins at Home—

Respect begins at home. If you want your kids to be respectful, you have to be respectful, too. Let’s make no bones about that. If you call your kids names, if you yell at others in a condescending way, if you make derogatory remarks to your spouse, don’t be surprised if your youngster behaves the same way. You’re modeling that behavior for him. Moms & dads who tell their kids, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say,” are just creating the kind of double standard that breeds negativity and resentment. Let’s face it, if you’re doing something yourself, it gets very complicated when you ask your youngster to stop. Believe me, kids know hypocrisy when they see it.

An ineffective mom or dad is a person who expects their kids to do things that they’re not willing to do themselves. You have to live your values. If you value respect, then you’ve got to behave respectfully.

Question: My 15-year-old daughter has become unbelievably rude and sassy with me lately. She's at her worst in front of her friends, such as when I'm driving them to the mall or when she has kids over for dinner or a video. It seems like she's trying to impress her friends with how tough she is, but it makes me furious. I know kids this age are moody, and I don't want to embarrass her by reprimanding her in front of her friends, but I'm feeling like a doormat. What is the best way to handle this?

Answer: It's true that 15-year-olds are moody and that they often disagree or test limits in their push toward independence. But we don't do our kids any favors by tolerating bad behavior. Quite the opposite; adolescents do best when moms & dads set and enforce clear and reasonable limits. Embarrassing or not, it's time to put a halt to your daughter's disrespectful behavior--for your sake and hers. I suggest you take the following steps:

In private, tell your daughter that her recent disrespectful behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it from now on, regardless of whether her friends are around. (You don't mention your daughter's father, but I hope he will stand with you on this.)

Tell your daughter in clear and certain terms how you expect her to talk to you--for example, in a calm voice without swearing or name-calling. (A "thank you" for the ride to the mall or dinner for her friends would be in order as well.)

Tell her exactly how you will respond if she crosses the line. For example, if she slips into disrespectful behavior when others are not around, you will simply turn away or go to another room; you will talk with her when she's ready to do so respectfully. If you are driving her someplace, you will turn around and go home. Or if her friends are over for dinner, you will call their moms & dads to pick them up, explaining why you've had to put an end to the social evening. Let your daughter know that if she finds these consequences embarrassing, it is her choice how to behave. She can avoid the embarrassment by treating you with respect.

Then, once your daughter knows what you expect, follow through promptly and consistently. Let your actions show that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

Finally, once you have turned your focus away from your daughter's negative behavior, pay attention to the positive. When you enjoy a fun outing or a quiet evening at home with your daughter, let her know you enjoyed the time together. And if she calmly and respectfully questions a rule you've set or a request you've made (as any adolescent is bound to do), listen to her point of view. Sometimes she will have a good point and you may decide to adjust your expectations accordingly. (For example, you might decide to extend her curfew by a half hour, or agree to let her go biking with a friend before she settles down to do her homework.) As adolescents move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a mom or dad, you have a responsibility to help your daughter practice these skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude.

Online Parent Support