When Is It Time to Ask Your Teenager to Leave Home?

The decision on when to ask an older teenager to leave the home has more to do with a family’s morals and values. First of all, if he violates a cardinal rule, he should leave. If he’s insulting you, abusive with a family member or breaking things, he should leave. He should go stay with a friend. The teens who are going to be most likely to be asked to leave are the teens who are going to tell you they have nowhere to go -- because the abusive behavior won’t be an unexpected anomaly in their life. It’s not like their whole life is great, but they hit their brother. The abusive older teenager will most likely show a pattern of this behavior and demonstrate a host of thinking errors. So when you ask him to leave, he won’t know where he can go, because he is unable to solve that problem.

Secondly, if things are going well with the living arrangement, the teenager should be told to think about leaving once he has the means. Once the first and last month’s rent and a deposit are set aside and he has a car and he’s driving, he should be told to start looking for a place with a roommate. I’ve worked with many college graduates at agencies who were not able to own a car or have their own apartment at the same time. They had to make a choice because they didn’t make that much money. They had to accept either having their own car and living with a roommate and learning how to live with other people, or not having a car and living close to their job and just having their own apartment. But they can’t have it both ways, and moms & dads should not take responsibility for that.

Independence is a decision you can make as a family. If a young adult teenager is doing well, living at home and meeting the family’s expectations, then there’s no problem. But someday he will want to be independent. The way you get there is to sit down and have the teenager set some goals. Where do you plan to live? When do you plan to move out? How much does the teenager need to pay for rent or room and board while living at home? Measure progress toward the goal by the objectives. If the teenager has a goal to move out and he’s not meeting any of the objectives, it’s a joke.

The greatest gift you can give your teenager is “knowing how to be independent and take responsibility.” If a teenager fears independence and responsibility, you can solve that problem by having a written agreement that shows the teenager how to live by your rules, and have ongoing discussions about the goal of independence and how to meet it.

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