In the last 30 years, there has been a significant increase in the number of grandparent-headed families. Census data indicate that in the United States there are approximately 2.4 million grandparents raising 4.5 million kids. Custodial grand parenting occurs when a grandparent assumes responsibility for a grandkid because the grandkid’s parents cannot or choose not to care for the kid. Some common reasons for custodial grand parenting include parental substance abuse, abuse and neglect, incarceration, HIV/AIDS, mental or physical illness, teenage pregnancy, abandonment, divorce, and death. Although grandparent-headed families are extremely diverse, they are more likely to be African-American, female-headed, and living in poverty.
What Are The Challenges?
Kids—Because of their experiences with their parents, kids being raised in grandparent-headed families often display developmental, physical, behavioral, academic, and emotional problems. Some of these problems include depression, anxiety, ADHD, health problems, learning disabilities, poor school performance, and aggression. Grandkids may also experience feelings of anger, rejection, and guilt. The degree to which grandkids experience problems varies, although many grandkids experience multiple problems.
Relationships among family members can also create stress for grandkids. Visits from parents can be upsetting, and often leave grandkids feeling hurt and confused. Due to their age difference, grandkids may also feel disconnected from their grandparent caregivers. Finally, household rules and expectations can be a source of tension and conflict.
Grandparent Caregivers— Becoming the caregiver for a grandkid impacts all aspects of a person’s life. As a result, grandparents raising grandkids face a number of challenges.
• Because they often have limited financial resources, grandparents may experience difficulty providing adequate housing, food, and clothing.
• Grandparents may have limited energy and physical health problems that make parenting difficult. Additionally, grandparent caregivers might feel anxious or depressed.
• Grandparents often have legal difficulties related to obtaining guardianship, enrolling their grandkids in school, and accessing medical care for their grandkids. They may also have concerns related to custody battles with other grandparents or their grandkid’s parents.
• Grandparents raising grandkids often have less time for themselves. They may also have less time to spend with their partners and friends. This loss of time can be stressful and can cause feelings of anger, grief, and loss.
• It can be difficult for grandparent caregivers to manage their grandkid’s parents. Parents may make unannounced visits and unrealistic promises. Grandparents may also struggle with trying to protect their grandkids, while still allowing them to visit with their parents. Additionally, it may be disappointing for grandparents to see their kid fail as a parent. Finally, grandparents may feel anger at their grandkid’s parents, guilt about their parenting, or embarrassment about their family situation.
• Parenting may be challenging for custodial grandparents, especially when their grandkids have problems. To be effective parents, grandparents need current information about discipline, kid development, and childhood problems. Grandparents also need to transition from the role of traditional grandparent to that of parent.
How Can I Help My Family & Myself?
• Allow grandkids to share their feelings about their family situation.
• Become educated about custodial grand parenting and available resources.
• Do not talk negatively about grandkid’s parents in front of your grandkids.
• Establish a schedule for your family; having a routine is helpful for kids from unstable and chaotic homes.
• Have a social network; stay in contact with friends or a faith community.
• Join a support group; meeting other grandparent-headed families can provide support and a sense of community.
• Take advantage of respite services or work with other grandparent caregivers to take a break from care-giving.
• Take care of your physical and mental health. Get regular physicals, exercise, eat right, and get plenty of rest.
When Should I Get Help?
Because each family is different, it is difficult to say when a grandparent-headed family should seek help. However, grandparents should seek help if they feel unable to manage their stress, if their stress interferes with their ability to function, or if tension and conflict among family members becomes too difficult to manage. They should also seek help if their grandkid’s problems become overwhelming.
Some other signs that you or someone you know needs help managing stress include:
• Anger or irritability
• Constant worrying
• Difficulty concentrating
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling sad all the time
• Problems sleeping (too much or too little)
• Pulling away from people
• Worsening of health problems
What Types of Help Are Available?
Family Therapy—Custodial grand parenting impacts all members of a family. Family therapy can help individuals and families cope with their feelings about their family structure and improve the quality of their relationships. Family therapists are specially trained to understand the complicated feelings and relationships within grandparent-headed families. If you feel that your family could benefit from family therapy, find a therapist who has experience working with grandparent-headed families.
Support Groups— Many communities offer support groups for grandparent-headed families. Most of these support groups are for grandparents raising grandkids. However, support groups are also available for grandkids. Support groups provide participants with an opportunity to talk about their experiences and feelings in a safe, supportive environment. Participants can also gain information, learn from one another, and meet people dealing with similar issues. Good support groups allow time for personal sharing, but also take a positive outlook, structure sharing time, connect participants to sources of support, and help participants set and reach goals. To find a support group near you, visit the Web sites of the organizations listed under Resources.
Resources—
Online:
AARP Grandparent Information Center
www.aarp.org/families/grandparents/raising_grandchild
Provides a variety of resources for grandparents and other relatives raising children. Includes a searchable listing of support groups.
Generations United
Offers a variety of information, including state fact sheets, for grandparents and other relatives raising children.
GrandsPlace
An online community for grandparents raising grandchildren. Provides resources, message boards, and a chatroom.
Children’s Defense Fund
Information for grandparents and other relatives raising children.
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com
Information and resources to assist grandparent caregivers.
Grandparent Again
Information and community for grandparents raising grandchildren.
KINship Information Network
Community and resources for relative caregivers.
Books for Adults—
· To Grandmother’s House We Go and Stay, by C. B. Cox, 2000. Springer.
· To Grandma’s House, We…Stay: When You Have to Stop Spoiling Your Grandchildren and Start Raising Them, by S. Houtman, 1999. Studio 4 Productions.
· Ticklebelly Hill: Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, by H. Osborne, 2002. First Books.
· Second Time Around: Help for Grandparents Who Raise Their Children’s Kids, by J. Callandar, 1999. BookPartners.
· Raising Our Children’s Children, by D. Douchette-Dudman, 1996. Fairview Press.
· Grandparents as Parents: A Survival Guide for Raising a Second Family, by S. de Toledo and D. E. Brown, 1995. Guilford.
Books for Children—
Robert Lives with His Grandparents, by M. W. Hickman, 1995. Albert Whitman & Company.
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