Help With Parenting Teenagers

One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the case for some teens and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most teens.

But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their moms & dads — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their moms & dads or not wanting to be around their moms & dads in the same way they used to.

As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And moms & dads of teens may find that teens who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.

You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my teenager?," and "Do I allow my teenager's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:

Talk to Your Teenager Early Enough—Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions teens have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions. You know your teens. You can hear when your teenager's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

• Are you noticing any changes in your body?
• Are you having any strange feelings?
• Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/teenager discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your teenager will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes. Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your teenager books on puberty written for teens going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a teenager more at ease.

Know the Warning Signs—A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:

• extreme weight gain or loss
• sleep problems
• rapid, drastic changes in personality
• sudden change in friends
• skipping school continually
• falling grades
• talk or even jokes about suicide
• signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
• run-ins with the law

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your teen's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

Educate Yourself—Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny teenager, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Moms & dads who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.

Inform Your Teen — and Stay Informed Yourself—The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with teens before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes. Know your teenager's friends — and know their friends' moms & dads. Regular communication between moms & dads can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Moms & dads can help each other keep track of the teens' activities without making the teens feel that they're being watched.

Maintain Your Expectations—Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their moms & dads place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their moms & dads care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If moms & dads have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them.

Make Appropriate Rules—Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your teenager was a baby. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your teenager keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing teenager doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Monitor What Teens See and Read—TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — teens have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.

Pick Your Battles—If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens want to shock their moms & dads and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.

Put Yourself in Your Teenager's Place—Practice empathy by helping your teenager understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.

Respect Teens' Privacy—Some moms & dads, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their teens do is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your teenager's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off. In other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teens are going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!

Will This Ever Be Over? As teens progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults. So remember the motto of many moms & dads with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!

How moms & dads alienate their teens—

None of us set out with the intention to alienate our teens. We all want to be good and effective. We all want to be good and effective moms & dads. The reality however, is that we are only human and therefore capable of making mistakes. What’s important is that we identify these mistakes and understand some of the common ways we alienate our teens. This will help us avoid some of the common pitfalls and build a batter relationship with our youngsters.

This is the single most common way to alienate your teens. Rigid moms & dads are so strict with their teens that their children often have to lie about where they go and who they go and who they are with for fear of igniting their moms & dads’ anger. Such moms & dads feel insecure unless they are in control all the time. They don’t trust their teens to do anything on their own. Such moms & dads act as though they are platoon commanders directing, instructing and threatening when their children fail to comply. They rule with iron fist.

What Teens Need—Rigid moms & dads fail to understand that teens need freedom to grow and learn, and to make decisions and choices of their own. Teens need moms & dads who can guide them and give them space to make mistakes occasionally, not rigid moms & dads who control them in everything they do. Such rigidity can crush their will power.

Don’t Worry about the Way You Communicate—When moms & dads communicate to teens in cold, harsh tones, they can easily distance themselves from their teens. How often have you uttered word like these?

• Because I told you so, that’s why.
• Do I have to do everything for you?
• Just wait till your father gets home.
• Why don’t you act your age?
• You’ll never amount to anything.

Moms & dads can also alienate teens when they passive communication. Here moms & dads don’t say much at all and rarely seize the opportunity to enter into a meaningful conversation with their teens. Instead they answer with yes, sounds good, or oh, that’s terrible!. They also seldom allow their teens to discuss and reason with them. Opportunities to encourage their teens to open up and talk about issues like drugs and premarital sex are lost on these moms & dads.

What Teens Need—Teens need to hear and see from moms & dads the things that are closest to their hearts - messages of love, limits, grace, tolerance, respect and understanding. They need moms & dads to provide an open environment that welcomes and includes them as active participants in meaningful communications. They need moms & dads to listen to their problems. They want to be able to discuss, reason and express their feelings and view. They don’t need parental nagging!

Don’t Worry About Setting Boundaries and Limits—This is yet another common way to alienate your teens. Moms & dads become permissive when they believe that teens are old enough to decide everything for themselves. They allow their youngsters to do whatever they please, letting them bear the consequences of their action. Permissiveness can also arise when moms & dads don’t want to get into constant fights or arguments with their teens. They then let go of their control and guidance. Permissive moms & dads think they get along better with their teens who love them for not being strict.

What Teens Need—Many moms & dads think that teens would prefer to have pushover or permissive parent. The truth is that such moms & dads confuse their teens by not providing the guidance, accountability and structure they so desperately need. While it is true that teens need greater latitude in making choices and decisions on their own, they still want their moms & dads to be around to lend them support in times of need. Teens need moms & dads in the background to guide them and help them say no to peer pressure. They want limits and boundaries that are consistent and considerate.

Forget About Discipline When They Break Rules—Moms & dads who don’t discipline or correct their teens when they break rules are actually saying they don’t care. When moms & dads show a ”no care” attitude, they build a barrier in their relationship with their teens. Not only have the teens not learned good behaviors, they take their problems elsewhere since their moms & dads don’t care whether they are good or bad. Hence, the parent-teenager relationship becomes cool and distant. Moms & dads who don’t take an interest to correct their teens’ misbehaviors face the consequence of alienating them.

What Teens Need--While discipline is painful at times, teens still want their moms & dads to enforce their correcting prerogative. In fact, teens feel secure from knowing that their moms & dads care enough for them to discipline them, or withdraw their privileges when they do wrong. They feel secure in their parent’s love.

Don’t Worry About Building Self-Esteem—One very easy way to alienate your teenager is to destroy his self-worth. Moms & dads who do not encourage or build up their teens’ abilities and potential, but instead tear down their self-confidence and self-worth are hurting the parent-child relationship. Many moms & dads don’t encourage their teens for fear that the more attention a child receives, the more he wants. This however is a misconception. In fact, just the opposite is true. The “don’t give too much, because they’ll just want more” approach actually communicates a tremendously alienating message. Many moms & dads are also guilty of criticizing and magnifying the negative aspects of their teens, and even of name calling. This often destroys the teens respect for both himself and his moms & dads.

What Teens Need—Teens need moms & dads who show confidence and trust in allowing them to take a little more control of their lives. They need moms & dads allow them to experience their potential, understand their limits, and enjoy their talents. They need encouragement when they fail or when they don’t measure up to their own or their parent’s expectations. They need to be uplifted, not crushed!

You Should Never Let Them Grow Up—Such moms & dads feel that their teens still need them! They find it hard to relinquish the reins just yet. Hence, they still insist on choosing their teens’ clothes, career and friends. Frequently, these controlling moms & dads ignore or discount their teenager’s feelings. They tend to be overprotective, smothering their teens in the process. Teens are not allowed to grow in independence may rebel against their moms & dads.

What Teens Need—Adolescents need to be giving a chance to flap their wings and become airborne on their own. They may forget they have wings if they continually find themselves grounded securely under their parent’. Teens need to experience their own limits and boundaries in increasing amount as they mature and earn their moms & dads’ trust. They need to increase their skills, in decision-making and choice making. While teens should be given sufficient room to grow, they will still need their moms & dads’ support and encouragement throughout the growing up process.

This secret to successful parenting is to fully understand the common ways we alienate our teenager. When we know what our teens need, and how to improve our relationship with them through better communication. I’m confident that parent’s will not only become more effective, but that they will derive more enjoyment from the teenager-rearing experience. (The teens will also enjoy you more!)

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Why Teens Begin Using Marijuana

The Seductive Power of Pot

Have you ever wanted to just get out from underneath all the pressures weighing on you, to stop the world for a few hours, to get away from the routine of who you have become, and to dream about what life could be? Have you ever wearied of having to take life's responsibilities so seriously, wanted to lighten up, take the afternoon off, laugh at your cares? Or are there times you wish you could be a little bad, let loose, and say the hell with trying to do what's right all the time, bend the rules, take some risks? Perhaps more important, have you longed for greater mystery in your life, a deeper curiosity about your connection to the infinite, even a spiritual transformation?

I certainly have felt all these things, and they help me relate to why many teens are attracted to experimenting with marijuana and drugs in general. As adults, we are under a constant barrage of “answers” to these longings: buy a lottery ticket, take a vacation, drive a sporty car, be sexy, order this brand of beer, catch the right mate, take yoga. The quick fixes are alluring, but superficial, and even adults are not always prepared to deal with all the marketing that touts easy answers. The longings are very real, and most of us are familiar with how much power they have. To understand why teens begin to play with pot, we need to understand that they have the same longings, without the experience to help them steer away from easy answers. Underneath these longings are a host of motivations, most of which are completely natural.

Curiosity as a Fundamental Motivation

Adolescence is a time of tremendous change. Too often, adults and teens think the primary task of adolescence is separation. Many consider adolescent rebellion to be a necessary part of the separation process. Indeed, there is a need for teens to begin loosening the connections between themselves and their parents. But this separation is not the most important change required. Adolescence is also a time for forming new connections-to one's peers, to the world outside family, to one's sexuality, to the deeper experience of self coming into awareness, and to one's innate spiritual longings. Separation from family is necessary primarily to open up space for all the new connections teens must forge. Curiosity fuels the drive to find new relationships and to experience the world beyond the confines of home.

Adolescence is life's first really conscious voyage of discovery. Teens are aware that they are on a profoundly important voyage, and this conscious awareness helps in guiding the voyage. Some are terrified and try to remain moored to their home dock as long as possible. Others are cautious and take several short cruises first before striking out for more distant ports. Some respond to the challenge and sail out directly to find their fate, while others are so thrilled by the adventure lying just over the horizon that they charge out like dog soldiers high on adrenaline. Human temperament varies widely, making it nearly impossible to make any universal generalization about teenagers.

Still, we can be sure that the majority of teens who experiment with marijuana are motivated primarily by a desire to satisfy their innate curiosity about the world. Whether they first try pot with trepidation or rush headlong into the experience, they are intrigued by what lies ahead for them. It is one of a thousand ways they are trying on new parts of the world to see how each fits for them. While they may be ignoring or denying the risks, the motivation propelling them is essentially healthy.

Darker Motivations

In many cases, however, adolescents are motivated to try drugs more by a desire to get away from home than to reach any given destination. Poverty, whether emotional, spiritual, or financial, has parched their family and grown sharp thorns on what should be comforting relationships. Cruelty, whether emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual, has scorched away any desire for family, leaving some kids to stow away on whatever ship they can find. Family problems often contribute tremendously to the urge to find solace in alcohol and other drugs.

Finally, some adolescents are so discomforted by their own sense of failure and internal distress that the distraction that drugs offer is too powerful to resist. Depression and anxiety can bedevil teenagers just as deeply as they torment adults. The stress that kids bear today is far beyond any that most of us experienced during our youth. Success in college seems to be predicated on getting into the correct kindergarten. No wonder that any hint of a learning disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) plummets kids into feeling defective and doomed (see chapter 5). Whatever offers any hope of relief from these stressors is bound to be welcome.

All Dressed Up with No Place to Go

Adolescence, then, is a time of fundamental transformation in perspective, basic connections, and identity. Because this process of transformation takes place over several years, impatience and urgency are common, if not legendary, among teenagers. The experience of being “all dressed up with no place to go” pervades the adolescent's life, especially sexually. Having a driver's license but not owning a car symbolically defines the teen years. On a more abstract level, teens often have a fully formed concept of independence and freedom but still lack some of the basic tools to realize this goal. It is human nature for them to focus more on the barriers placed on their freedom than on the preparatory tasks that lie ahead of them.

It is within this maelstrom of powerful forces that drugs are first encountered, and their effects can be profoundly seductive. The French novelist Marcel Proust wrote, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” I suspect that this advice applies more to wearied adults than to fresh teens, for whom seeking new landscapes is precisely their most important challenge. Their recently developed abstract thinking is all the new eyes they need. Now their job is to seek new landscapes that satisfy their own unique needs and desires and then to connect emotionally to these new vistas.

Marijuana provides much more of the “new eyes” that Proust describes than the “new landscapes” that teens need. Suddenly, with a minimum of effort, a little pot overlays the world with a superficial sense of novelty. Being high seems to transform everything and passively grants teens an experience of great connectedness. This new world is probably nothing like the one Mom and Dad live in, so an immediate sense of separation appears. Almost magically, marijuana seems to leapfrog an adolescent away from childhood. The chemically induced experience substitutes for actual, hard-won psychological development, and it can continue to substitute for emotional growth for years. While giving a teen an illusion of having jumped ahead in development, marijuana, like any drug, can actually delay and distort maturation. The chronic pot smoker may wake one day to find that peers have long ago embarked successfully into their adult lives, leaving him or her behind, without the skills required to move ahead.

* * *

Developmental Tasks for Parents

Before looking at how the experience of being high on marijuana can substitute for successfully completing developmental tasks, I want to take a moment to point out that as parents we face our own developmental challenges as our children pass through adolescence. After years of taking direct responsibility for managing the risks facing our children, we now need to begin stepping back. If teens are to begin taking greater responsibility for themselves, we have to make space for this to happen. Except in situations that threaten basic health and safety, we gradually have to move into the role of consultants to our kids' lives, where before we had been producer and director. The timing of this shift in roles is critical and difficult. While some of us turn too much freedom and responsibility over to our children too soon, others hold on too long. There is no perfection here, only trial and error.

Shifting into the role of consultant goes beyond a change in child-rearing techniques. It represents a developmental step for the parent as well. Impulses to overcontrol the world that went unchecked during our child's early life suddenly become the focus of intense power struggles with adolescents. To pick battles wisely, we parents need clarity about what lies under our control and what does not. We need to have enough self-worth to feel valuable to our children even when we've been relegated to the sidelines of their lives. It helps to be solid in our faith, whatever form that might take. Without faith that the universe provides the support teens need to mature into healthy adults, the next few years are going to be filled with anxiety. It is a rare parent who understands that anxiety about his or her teen is not the teen's fault. Anxiety about the normal process of separating from our partially-matured teenage child is our responsibility. It is not the child's job to soothe our fears or our dislike of “losing our babies.”

Different Views on Why Teens Experiment with Drugs

The initial experimentation with smoking grass is often a watershed moment in a child's life. Despite all the antidrug messages received in school and at home, many teens and preteens decide to take the risk of getting high soon after the opportunity first presents itself. This single act is a clear step away from the path prescribed by most parents. In households where the importance of not using drugs has been emphasized, it is a direct act of disobedience. (We're ignoring for the moment kids who are introduced to smoking marijuana by their parents, either directly or by dipping into their parents' stash to get their first joint.) Trying marijuana for the first time is also an act of self-assertion. The child has weighed the issue, more or less carefully, and come to his or her own decision. At this point, teens do not doubt that they are charting their own course. They are claiming their freedom, and no one can control them. That's a fact.

An adolescent's decision to smoke marijuana is often seen very differently by the two sides-parents and kids. The disparity in how each perceives this moment is important, because it forms the framework for a lot of failed prevention programs and a lot of unsuccessful family discussions. Author David Wilmes asked each group why they believe kids use drugs and found some interesting differences (Facts about Kids' Use of Alcohol and Other Drugs). Adults gave the following reasons:

• School: “Can't those teachers see what's going on? Don't the kids get any supervision?”

• Other parents: “Well, what can you expect from a home like that?”

• Peer group: “My kids never had any problems till they got in with that bunch.”

• Pushers or alcohol sales: “Put the pushers in jail and close up those sleazy places.”

• Media: “What can you expect when the movies take it for granted that it's cool to use drugs?”

• Police: “If the cops were on the ball, they'd pick up those kids the first time they got out of line.” Or “If the cops wouldn't hound the kids as if they were all criminals, they wouldn't even think of using drugs.”

• Role models: “Those rock stars are all into drugs-just like professional athletes. And these are the people our kids want to imitate.”

These reasons generally point to external factors. Perhaps parents are reluctant to believe that their children would willfully defy them unless they were being pressured by others. Parents tend to place great emphasis on peer pressure as the cause of adolescent drug use. As a result, programs designed to prevent drug use are heavily weighted toward helping kids resist peer pressure. This perspective is guided by the belief that drug pushers are lurking around every corner, waiting for our kids. Without these pushers, teens would follow their instincts and mind their parents.

But teens tell a different story. When asked why they think kids use drugs, teens gave the following reasons:

• “I wanted to see how I'd feel.”
• “I wanted to be part of the group.”
• “I didn't want to be a nerd.”
• “I just wanted to have some fun.”
• “I like to take risks.”
• “I'm no baby. I can make up my own mind.”
• “I like to experiment with new things.”
• “I wanted to feel grown up.”

Unlike adults' perspectives, these reasons are more internal. While teens may be underestimating the presence and power of peer pressure, they are also owning responsibility for their decisions to a degree greater than adults seem willing to give them credit for. This is completely consistent with the need teenagers have to take control of their lives. They are intrigued by the wide world, including sometimes by what the experience of being high would feel like, and they even enjoy the risk it might entail. No one thinks it odd when a teen courts the risk of rock climbing, sailboarding, or fast driving. These risky behaviors may make us nervous, but we see them as normal adolescent behavior, part of defining for themselves what their limits are. The impulse to experiment with marijuana has the same lure as other risky choices.

Understanding adolescents' perspectives is an important step to being able to communicate with teens. The temptations that attract them and the desires resident in their hearts form part of the cutting edge by which they learn their true identity. Adolescence is an important time for beginning to come to terms with adult desires. From this standpoint, teens are teaching us something important when they list the internal reasons for using drugs. As parents, however, we are often made nervous by the fact that this is occurring precisely when our kids are developing the capacity and freedom to satisfy these desires if they choose. And one simple, available, and relatively passive avenue for exploring their newfound desires is through experimenting with marijuana, alcohol, and other drugs.

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School Violence & The News

As terrible and frightening as incidents of school violence are, they are rare. Although it may not seem that way, the rate of crime involving physical harm has been declining at U.S. schools since the early 1990s.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), fewer than 1% of all homicides among school-age children happen on school grounds or on the way to and from school. The vast majority of students will never experience violence at school or in college.

Still, it's natural for children and teens — no matter where they go to school — to worry about whether this type of incident may someday affect them. How can you help them deal with these fears? Talking with children about these tragedies, and what they watch or hear about them, can put frightening information into context.

Talking to Your Children— It's important for children to feel like they can share their feelings, and know that their fears and anxieties are understandable.

Rather than waiting for your youngster to approach you, consider starting the conversation. Ask children what they understand about these incidents and how they feel about them.

Share your own feelings too — during a tragedy, children may look to adults for their reactions. It helps children to know that they are not alone in their anxieties. Knowing that their moms & dads have similar feelings will help children legitimize their own.

At the same time, children often need moms & dads to help them feel safe. It may help to discuss in concrete terms what you have done and what the school is doing to help protect its students.

What Schools Are Doing— Many schools are taking extra precautions to keep students safe. Some have focused on keeping weapons out by conducting random locker and bag checks, limiting entry and exit points at the school, and keeping the entryways under teacher supervision. Other schools use metal detectors.

Lessons on conflict resolution have been added to many schools' courses to help prevent troubled students from resorting to violence. Peer counseling and active peer programs help students become more aware of the signs that a fellow student may be becoming more troubled or violent.

Another thing that helps make schools safer is greater awareness of problems like bullying and discrimination. Many schools now have programs to fight these problems, and teachers and administrators know more about protecting students from violence.

How Children Perceive the News— Of course, you are not your youngster's only source of information about school shootings or other tragic events that receive media attention. Children are likely to repeatedly encounter news stories or graphic images on television, radio, or the Internet, and such reports can teach them to view the world as a confusing, threatening, or unfriendly place.

Unlike movies or entertainment programs, news is real. But depending on a youngster's age or maturity level, he or she may not yet understand the distinctions between fact and fantasy. By the time children reach 7 or 8, however, what they watch on TV can seem all too real. For some youngsters, the vividness of a sensational news story can be internalized and transformed into something that might happen to them. A youngster watching a news story about a school shooting might worry, "Could I be next? Could that happen to me?" TV has the effect of shrinking the world and bringing it into our living rooms.

By concentrating on violent stories, TV news can also promote a "mean-world" syndrome that can give children a misrepresentation of what the world and society are actually like.

Discussing the News— To calm fears about the news, moms & dads should be prepared to deliver what psychologists call "calm, unequivocal, but limited information." This means delivering the truth, but in a way that fits the emotional level of your youngster. The key is to be truthful, but not go into more detail than your youngster is interested in or can handle.

Although it's true that some things can't be controlled, moms & dads should still give children the space to share their fears. Encourage them to talk openly about what scares them.

Older children are less likely to accept an explanation at face value. Their budding skepticism about the news and how it's produced and sold might mask anxieties they have about the stories covered. If an older youngster is bothered about a story, help him or her cope with these fears. An adult's willingness to listen will send a powerful message.

Tips for Moms & dads— Keeping an eye on what TV news children watch can go a long way toward monitoring the content of what they hear and see about events like school shootings. Here are some additional tips:

· Anticipate when guidance will be necessary and avoid shows that aren't appropriate for your youngster's age or level of development.

· Discuss current events with your youngster on a regular basis. It's important to help children think through stories they hear about. Ask questions: What do you think about these events? How do you think these things happen? Such questions can encourage conversation about non-news topics as well.

· If you're uncomfortable with the content of the news or it's inappropriate for your youngster's age, turn it off.

· Put news stories in proper context. Showing that certain events are isolated or explaining how one event relates to another helps children make better sense of what they hear.

· Recognize that news doesn't have to be driven by disturbing pictures. Public television programs, newspapers, or newsmagazines specifically designed for children can be less sensational — and less upsetting — ways for them to get information.

· Watch the news with your youngster to filter stories together.

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This is one of the more important jobs of parenthood...

As daunting a task as it may seem, this is one of the more important jobs of parenthood. Teenagers need not only the biological basics they get in health and hygiene classes at school - they need parental guidance, too. Thoughtful but frank talk about sexuality before sexual experimentation begins may also open lines of future communication about your adolescent's sexual concerns and behavior. If you're afraid of this subject and keep avoiding it, your youngster may develop the same attitude and may avoid discussion and sharing with you. Be honest and sensitive as you employ some of the following strategies for discussing sex with your adolescent:

• Avoid trying to scare her into abstinence. If your adolescent is feeling rebellious, scare tactics may push her over the edge or scare her so badly that later it will prove a burden to enjoying an adult sexual relationship. Help her understand that sex is more than intercourse. Sex is an act that also involves the feelings of both partners. Let her know that there are ways to express her sexuality without having intercourse before she is ready. She should be aware that it is not all or nothing. She can enjoy a physical relationship without having intercourse.

• Be proactive rather than reactive. Adolescents often say they'd like to discuss sex with their parents but can't seem to get the words out. Don't wait for your adolescent to come to you. Initiate the discussions yourself. Adolescents whose parents discuss sex openly with them are more likely to wait to have sexual intercourse than their uninformed counterparts. The issues of pregnancy and contraception are equally important for boys and girls to understand. Give her permission to say no. If you issue an edict that under no circumstances is the adolescent to have intercourse, don't be surprised if she rebels by doing just that. On the other hand, she's more likely to feel good about saying no if you help her understand why that is a wise option. For example, you might want to acquaint her with some common ploys, such as If you love me, you'll sleep with me, and so on. Let her know that a truly loving relationship between two people doesn't involve coercion.

• Respect her privacy. The minute your adolescent walks in the door from a date, don't demand to know what happened that evening. Let her know that you trust her. Stress, however, that if she is being sexually active or considering it, you expect her to behave responsibly.

• Try to avoid overreacting. If your adolescent comes to you with a question about AIDS, for example, don't automatically assume the adolescent has been exposed to the virus. Simply answer the question without accusations or jumping to conclusions. Later ask if there was a particular reason for the question. Use this topic as a way to keep channels open. Don't insist there must be some secretive reason for the curiosity.

If, despite your efforts, you just can't discuss sex with your adolescent, have someone stand in for you-- your spouse, perhaps a relative or a trusted friend, your adolescent's doctor, or a favorite teacher. If your adolescent has been active in church, then a trusted member of the clergy may also be helpful.

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Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

All kids are oppositional from time to time, particularly when tired, hungry, stressed or upset. They may argue, talk back, disobey, and defy moms & dads, teachers, and other adults. Oppositional behavior is often a normal part of development for two to three year olds and early adolescents. However, openly uncooperative and hostile behavior becomes a serious concern when it is so frequent and consistent that it stands out when compared with other kids of the same age and developmental level and when it affects the youngster's social, family, and academic life.

1. Can ODD be prevented? For preschool kids, there is some evidence that programs such as Head Start and home visitation to high risk families can have a positive impact in areas related to ODD. In school–age kids, parent management, social skills training, conflict resolution and anger management programs have all been utilized with varying degrees of success. For adolescents, psycho-educational programs, including cognitive interventions and skills training, vocational training, and academic preparations appear to reduce the disruptive behaviors usually associated with ODD. A number of school-based prevention programs have also produced promising results. The focus of the school programs ranges from bullying prevention to interventions aimed at reducing anti-social behavior and helping kids resist negative peer group influences. However, there is some evidence that group treatment can also have negative effects on outcome, especially among kids and adolescents who are already showing signs and symptoms of difficulties.

2. Does ODD get better or go away over time? For many kids, ODD does improve over time. Follow up studies have shown that the signs and symptoms of ODD resolve within 3 years in approximately 67% of kids diagnosed with the disorder. However, research has also shown that approximately 30% of kids with ODD eventually develop conduct disorder. The risk is 3 times greater for kids who were initially diagnosed at a very young (e.g., preschool) age. Preschool kids with ODD are also likely to exhibit additional disorders several years later, including ADHD, anxiety or mood disorders. Overall, approximately 10% of kids diagnosed with ODD will eventually develop a more lasting personality disorder, such as Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

3. How is ODD treated? There is no single treatment for all kids and adolescents with ODD. The most effective treatment plan will be individualized to the needs of each youngster and family. Specific treatment modalities may be helpful for a particular youngster, depending on his or her age, the severity of the presenting problems, and the goals, resources, and circumstances of the family. Treatment must be delivered for an adequate duration (usually several months or longer) and may require multiple episodes either continuously or as periodic "booster" sessions. Treatment will often include both individual therapy and family therapy. It may also include work with the youngster's teacher or school. Treatment may also include the use of medication, although medication alone would rarely be considered an adequate or appropriate intervention for kids with ODD. Two types of evidenced-based treatments for kids with ODD are individual approaches in the form of problem-solving skills training and family interventions in the form of parent management training. Individual approaches should be specific to the youngster's problems, behaviorally-based, geared to the youngster’s age, and focused on helping the youngster acquire new problem-solving skills. Family interventions include training in effective discipline techniques and age-appropriate supervision. With preschool kids, the emphasis is usually placed on parent education and training. For school-age kids, school-based interventions, family-based treatment, and individual therapy are often used in combination. For adolescents, individual therapy is often used in conjunction with family intervention. Throughout all ages, medication may be a useful component of treatment to help address specific symptoms or to treat co-existing conditions (e.g., depression, ADHD, or anxiety disorders), although there is no single medication which specifically treats ODD. There is also limited research data on the safety and efficacy of medications in the treatment of ODD. Moms & dads should discuss the potential risks and benefits of specific medications with their youngster’s physician. In general, medications should be started only after an appropriate baseline of symptoms or behaviors has been obtained.

4. What causes ODD? ODD is thought to be caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. ODD tends to occur in families with a history of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), substance use disorders, or mood disorders such as depression or bipolar disorder. Brain imaging studies have also suggested that kids with ODD may have subtle differences in the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, judgment and impulse control. Psychological studies have also demonstrated that kids who display aggressive behavior have trouble accurately identifying and interpreting social cues from peers. Specifically, aggressive kids tend to see hostile intent in neutral situations. They also generate fewer solutions to problems and expect to be rewarded for their aggressive responses. Lack of structure or parental supervision, inconsistent discipline practices, and exposure to abuse or community violence have also been identified as factors which may contribute to the development of ODD.

In kids with ODD, there is an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with the youngster's day-to-day functioning. Symptoms of ODD may include:

· active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
· blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
· deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
· excessive arguing with adults
· frequent anger and resentment
· frequent temper tantrums
· mean and hateful talking when upset
· often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
· seeking revenge

The symptoms are usually seen in multiple settings, but may be more noticeable at home or at school. Five to fifteen percent of all school﷓age kids have ODD. The causes of ODD are unknown, but many moms & dads report that their youngster with ODD was more rigid and demanding than the youngster's siblings from an early age. Biological and environmental factors may have a role.

A youngster presenting with ODD symptoms should have a comprehensive evaluation. It is important to look for other disorders which may be present; such as, attention﷓deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, mood disorders (depression, bipolar disorder) and anxiety disorders. It may be difficult to improve the symptoms of ODD without treating the coexisting disorder. Some kids with ODD may go on to develop conduct disorder.

Treatment of ODD may include: Parent Training Programs to help manage the youngster's behavior, Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management, Family Psychotherapy to improve communication, Cognitive﷓Behavioral Therapy to assist problem solving and decrease negativity, and Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve frustration tolerance with peers. A youngster with ODD can be very difficult for moms & dads. These moms & dads need support and understanding. Moms & dads can help their youngster with ODD in the following ways:

· Take a time﷓out or break if you are about to make the conflict with your youngster worse, not better. This is good modeling for your youngster. Support your youngster if he decides to take a time﷓out to prevent overreacting.

· Set up reasonable, age appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently.

· Pick your battles. Since the youngster with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the things you want your youngster to do. If you give your youngster a time﷓out in his room for misbehavior, don't add time for arguing. Say "your time will start when you go to your room."

· Manage your own stress with exercise and relaxation. Use respite care as needed.

· Maintain interests other than your youngster with ODD, so that managing your youngster doesn't take all your time and energy. Try to work with and obtain support from the other adults (teachers, coaches, and spouse) dealing with your youngster.

· Always build on the positives, give the youngster praise and positive reinforcement when he shows flexibility or cooperation.

Many kids with ODD will respond to the positive parenting techniques. Moms & dads may ask their pediatrician or family physician to refer them to a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist, who can diagnose and treat ODD and any coexisting psychiatric condition.

Identifying the Signs-- It's not easy to distinguish ODD from age appropriate normal oppositional behavior. Symptoms of the disorder tend to mirror, in exaggerated form, youngster rearing problems common in all families. In addition, different families have various levels of tolerance for oppositionality. In some, a minor infraction of the rules produces major consequences, while in more tolerant homes, oppositional behaviors are largely ignored until they cause ongoing difficulties.

In kids with ODD, there is a pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with the youngsters day to day functioning. Regularly, they lose their temper, argue with adults, actively defy adult rules, refuse adult requests, and deliberately annoy others. The symptoms are seen in multiple settings - at home, at school, in the neighborhood - and are not simply the result of a conflict with a particular parent or teacher.

Blaming others for their mistakes, these kids often appear touchy, angry, resentful, spiteful, or vindictive. Although overtly aggressive behavior tends to be limited, some kids engage in mild physical aggression. However, their language tends to be aggressive and often obscene.

Kids with ODD were, in many instances, fussy, colicky, or difficult to soothe as infants. During the toddler and preschool years, when a certain degree of oppositional attitude is considered normal, ordinary points of contention in the family become battlegrounds for intractable power struggles with these kids. These oppositional episodes typically center around eating, toilet training, and sleeping. Tamper tantrums are usually extreme in a youngster with ODD.

Kids with ODD consistently dawdle and procrastinate. They claim to forget or fail to hear and, as a result, are often referred for hearing evaluations, only to be found to have normal hearing. The issue is not obeying what was heard rather than a problem with not hearing.

As the youngster matures, struggles may center on keeping his room neat, picking up after himself, taking baths, going to bed on time, not interrupting or talking back, and doing homework. In all instances, winning becomes the most important aspect of the struggle. At times a youngster with ODD will forfeit cherished privileges rather than lose the argument.

Milder forms of ODD arc limited to the home environment, while, at school, the youngster may be more passively resistant and uncooperative. More severe forms involve defiance toward other authority figures such as teachers and coaches.

The youngster typically has little insight and ability to admit to the difficulties. Rather, he tends to blame his troubles on others and on external circumstances. He is always questioning the rules and challenging those he perceives to be unreasonable.

Before puberty, the rate of ODD is higher in boys than in girls. In adolescence, the disorder is equally shared.

Causes and Consequences-- It appears that ODD arises out of a circular family dynamic. A baby who is by nature more difficult, fussy, and colicky, may be harder to soothe. The moms & dads often feel frustrated and unsuccessful as moms & dads. If they perceive their youngster as unresponsive or "bad," they may begin to anticipate that the youngster will be unresponsive or noncompliant. They may then become unresponsive or unreliable in return, adding to the youngster's feelings of helplessness, neediness, and frustration.

As moms & dads attempt to assert control by insisting on compliance in such areas as eating, toilet training, sleeping, or speaking politely the youngster may demonstrate resistance by withholding or withdrawing.

As a youngster matures, increasing negativism, defiance, and noncompliance become misguided ways of dealing with adults. In this way the disorder may be a tenacious drawing out of the "terrible twos."

The more a youngster reacts in defiant, provocative ways, the more negative feedback is elicited from the moms & dads. In an attempt to achieve compliance, the parent or authority figures remind, lecture, berate, physically punish, and nag the youngster. But far from diminishing oppositional behavior, these kinds of responses toward the youngster tend to increase the rate and intensity of non-compliance. Ultimately, it becomes a tug of war and a battle of wills.

When such patterns typify parent youngster relationships, discipline is often inconsistent. At times, moms & dads may explode in anger as they attempt to control and discipline their youngster. At other times, they may withhold appropriate consequences which soon become hollow threats. As the youngster continues to provoke and defy, moms & dads lose control. Then, feeling regret and guilt, especially if they’ve become verbally or physically explosive, the parent may become excessively rewarding and gratifying in order to undo what they now perceive to have been excessive discipline or punitive consequences.

When a youngster starts school, this pattern of passive aggressive, oppositional behavior tends to provoke teachers and other kids as well. At school the youngster is met with anger, punitive reactions, and criticism. The youngster then argues back, blames others, and gets angry.

These kids tend to have difficult adapting at school. Their behavior can cause disruption in the classroom and interfere with social and academic functioning. When their behavior and defiance affects their schoolwork and performance, kids often experience school failure and social isolation. This, coupled with chronic criticism, can lead to low self esteem. Usually, ODD kids feel unfairly picked on. In fact, they may believe that their behavior is reasonable and the treatment and criticism they receive unfair.

In many cases. oppositional disorders coexist with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. In fact, the impulsivity and hyperactivity of ADHD can greatly amplify the defiance and uncontrolled anger of ODD. Symptoms of ODD may also occur as part of major depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, or mania. Some kids with separation anxiety disorder may also have oppositional behaviors. Clingy attachment merges into or possibly reflects oppositional defiance. There also seems to be a correlation between ODD in a youngster and a history of disruptive disorders, substance abuse, or other emotional disorders in other family members.

How to Respond— Moms & dads who are concerned that their youngster may have ODD should seek a professional evaluation. This is important as a first step in breaking the cycle of ineffective parenting of the "bad youngster.” During the evaluation process, moms & dads may come to appreciate the interactive aspect of this disorder and look for ways to improve their management of the youngster. Books and parenting workshops given under the auspices of churches, schools, and community agencies may also help moms & dads respond better to the needs of their kids.

Once ODD has been diagnosed, the youngster and adolescent psychiatrist or other professional may recommend a combination of therapies for ODD. Among the options your clinician may recommend are following:

Parent Training Programs. Some moms & dads are helped through formal parent training programs. In these sessions, moms & dads learn strategies for managing their kid’s behavior. These are practical approaches to dealing with a youngster with ODD. The emphasis is on observing the youngster and communicating clearly. Moms & dads are taught negotiating skills, techniques of positive reinforcement, and other means of managing the behavior of the youngster with ODD.

Individual Psychotherapy. The therapeutic relationship is the foundation of a successful therapy. It can provide the difficult youngster with a forum to explore his feelings and behaviors. The therapist may be able to help the youngster with more effective anger management, thus decreasing the defiant behavior. The therapist may employ techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy to assist the youngster with problem solving skills and in identifying solutions to interactions that seem impossible to the youngster. The support gained through therapy can be invaluable in counterbalancing the frequent messages of failure to which the youngster with ODD is often exposed.

Family Therapy. Problems with family interactions are addressed in family therapy. Family structure, strategies for handling difficulties, and the ways moms & dads inadvertently reward noncompliance are explored and modified through this therapy. This approach can also address the family stress normally generated by living with ODD. Sometimes in the course of treatment, a parent is also found to have a psychiatric disorder. Treatment of that parent may be helpful since the adult's behavior can affect how the youngster responds to treatment.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Behavioral therapy can help kids control their aggression and modulate their social behavior. Kids are rewarded and encouraged for proper behaviors. Cognitive therapy can teach kids with ODD self-control, self-guidance, and more thoughtful and efficient problem solving strategies.

Social Skills Training. When coupled with other therapies, social skills training has been effective in helping kids smooth out their difficult social behaviors that result from their angry, defiant approach to rules. Social skills training incorporates reinforcement strategies and rewards for appropriate behavior to help a youngster learn to generalize positive behavior, that is, apply one set of social rules to other situations. Thus, following the rules of a game may be generalized to rules of the classroom; working together on a team may generalize to working with adults rather than against them. Through such training, kids can learn to evaluate social situations and adjust their behavior accordingly, The most successful therapies are those that provide training in the youngster's natural environments - such as the classroom or in social groups as this may help them apply the lessons learned directly to their lives.

Medication. Medication is only recommended when the symptoms of ODD occur with other conditions, such as ADHD, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), or anxiety disorder. When stimulants are used to treat attention deficit/hyperactivity disorders, they also appear to lessen oppositional symptoms in the youngster. There is no medication specifically for treating symptoms of ODD where there is no other emotional disorder.

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