Teens Texting Nude Pics: "Sexting"

A 2008 Nielsen study of 50,000 US cell-phone users found that most people nowadays text more often than they talk. U.S. teens (ages 13 to 17) had the highest levels of text messaging, sending and receiving an average of 1,742 text messages per month. During that same time period, teens made or received an average of just 231 mobile phone calls.

A growing number of teens are ending up in serious trouble for sending racy photos with their cell phones. Police have investigated more than two dozen teens in at least six states this year for sending nude images of themselves in cell phone text messages, which can bring a charge of distributing child pornography. Authorities typically are notified by parents or schools about so-called "sexting."

Of the 2,100 children identified as victims of online porn this year, one-fourth initially sent images themselves. Some did it for fun and others were tricked into it by adults they met online.

While it may be shocking, the practice of "sexting" -- sending nude pictures via text message -- is not unusual, especially for high-schoolers around the country. While the X-rated offerings are usually intended just for a boyfriend or girlfriend, the photos often wind up being shared.

Roughly 20 percent of teens admit to participating in "sexting," according to a nationwide survey by the National Campaign to Support Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

A study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy reported that 20 percent of 653 teenagers polled said they'd posted nude or seminude pictures of themselves at least once via computer or cell phone.

The dangerous combination of teenagers behaving provocatively and impulsively is not new, but the accessibility to the technology is. With cell phone cameras, they have been handed a tool so easy to use for some it's impossible to pass up.

News reports are increasingly documenting legal repercussions after indecent photo appear online. And attorneys say there are many unanswered questions about whether young people who send their own photos could face prosecution for obscenity or child pornography.

“Sexting” raises legitimate concerns—especially when the images get shared with unintended viewers. But does it mean technology is turning kids into amateur porn stars? Probably not. It does, however, show that sexual experimentation, like everything else, has “gone digital.”

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Comments--

32 comments so far...

1. Give 'em a Jitterbug
Posted by sparky April 15, 09 09:42 AM

2. I don't think this amount of texts for a kid is unusual. My sons can text 3000 messages in just a couple of days. They don't see anything wrong with it because we have unlimited texting but I do! I think it is excessive and can't seem to get them to understand that this is not good and they should be spending their time doing other things. Today, I found 2 messages from girls sent to my 14 year old son at 2 and 3 AM! I am not happy. I told him to tell them to stop or I would call their parents. I will be checking the texting activity the next week or so to make sure it stops. Some of the messages he has received are "chain" messages also......send this to 10 friends in 10 minutes or you will have bad luck! It is crazy and we have to find other things for out kids to do. This is turning their minds to mush!
Posted by Doreen April 15, 09 09:53 AM

3. Yes, my 14-year old texts constantly. I've tried to monitor it, but it's not always that easy. To make matters worse, she receives and sends pics too. I don't know what to do to keep her from getting hurt or doing something that she may regret later.
Posted by Florence April 15, 09 10:33 AM

4. A 13 yr old should not be texting that much. Where are her parents? How are her grades? I think that 13 is way too young to have a cell phone with texting ability. My daughter is 12 an doesn't have a cell phone.
Posted by mom2_2 April 15, 09 10:44 AM

5. my 13 year old daughter racked up $300 in texting (nothing compared to the $600 my sister's daughter did in damage last month). when I cut off her texting privileges with the phone company, she got so mad at me, she reported me to DSS for child abuse. i hate texting.
Posted by Ban Texting April 15, 09 11:57 AM

6. For those of you who are so concerned about how much your child texts, tell them to stop or they will lose privileges. If they do not stop, follow through. If you are at wits end about how much your child texts, and can think of no way to stop it. I would guess that you are more worried about being liked by your child than parenting your child.
Or, just call the cell phone provider and have texting turned off on their line.
And yes, I am a parent.
Posted by bostondad April 15, 09 12:02 PM

7. DOREEN - YOU ARE ALLOWING YOUR SON'S BRAIN TO TURN TO MUSH. 3000 MESSAGES IN A DAY - YOU SOUND SO PROUD! HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE THAT ATTACHED TO HIS PHONE!
Posted by SOMEONE April 15, 09 12:05 PM

8. bo-dad...right on!! it's that simple..be a parent..set the rules..too many supposed parents these days want to be a buddy..that's not what kids need nor is it what they're looking for believe it or not.
Posted by man-up April 15, 09 12:19 PM

9. Am I the only one wondering why kids need to text at all? Having a cell phone seems privilege enough, and I would hope that most kids have cells primarily for use in the event of an emergency. Before cell phones came along we all managed pretty well without chatting and texting 24/7. I've had texting kids slam right into me more than once in the grocery store - totally oblivious to anything other than their device. Aside from keeping up with the Joneses, why do kids need all this stuff? And how do parents afford it? And why, if you allow your kids to have all these expensive gadgets (and maybe even pay for them yourself), do you complain about them?
Posted by Bewildered April 15, 09 12:30 PM

10. Amen Boston Dad - you know how to parent. It sounds like Ban Texting is having a hard time controlling the 13 year old. Get a grip!
Posted by Situation April 15, 09 12:42 PM

11. My 14 year old sister recently got a phone with a full keyboard and her texting has increased to around 3000 per month and she also uses over 3000 minutes per month (nights and weekends mostly). I'm 20, and probably reach 500ish texts per month, but phone calls are usually short and mostly related to work. It seems a bit ridiculous how the younger teens are these days.
Posted by hbk April 15, 09 12:43 PM

12. This doesn't surprise me given that teens walk around with these things in hand all day. Parents really need to crack down on this. I get keeping it on your person, but how many teens to do you see texting their way through holiday celebrations? When I see a niece or nephew texting while they are in houseful of relatives I want to scream. I love watching the teens amble through the mall texting while ignoring the Mom/Dad who is footing the bill for both the cell phone and the shopping. The worst scene I ever saw though, was this spring when I came upon a classic American scene of teens hanging at the local ice cream stand. Instead of goofing or flirting they sat in silence staring at their cell phones. It was bizarre. This generation won't be able to reproduce unless they invent a way to do it via text because they aren't developing any social skills whatsoever.
Posted by PatD April 15, 09 12:50 PM

13. Ban Texting - If your daughter called DSS on you for cutting off her texting privileges you should have called the local news stations and let them do a story on that.
What did DSS say?
Posted by me April 15, 09 12:56 PM

14. I have to admit, I'm stunned about the DSS call. What did they say? And what would you tell other parents in a similar situation? -- LMA
Posted by LMA April 15, 09 01:08 PM

15. Hi
You are Parents don't know what to do? Hello !!!How is paying for the cell phone bills .Get a reality Check all of you Boy cut the the cell phones .I had kids when the cell phone came on board well guess what ,They did not have one until the went to College and then even they had to pay for it by getting a job !! .If they had to pay for all the texting guess what ????? That is the problem in this country .We give every thing so easy to the kids with out having to work for it Take your life and yiour kids life back into your hands
Posted by E.Miller April 15, 09 01:46 PM

16. I discovered my 14 year old daughter had 7000 texts in one month -thank you Verizon wireless online - we have an unlimited plan so I never paid attention. That was 200+ texts per day outside of school and sleeping time. My husband and I told her the number of texts had to go down significantly or texting would be shut off and she would be left with just voice. Two months later we are at 2,000 and still working on it. On another note ..during Christmas dinner which my 80 year old mother in law prepared a friend's 12 year old was texting at the table during dinner. Are these children going to be able to carry on a live conversation?
Posted by astonished April 15, 09 01:54 PM

17. RE: DSS. The way she did it was to tell her principal I beat her (not true). He is a mandated reporter, so had to file report with DSS. They ruled it in and did the investigation. My house was VERY clean. They saw right through the situation (had seen it before) and dismissed the thing. What would I tell other parents? Kids are very system smart these days. I have heard of this kind of thing happening from other parents. Would I give my kids texting again? Not in a heartbeat. It's stupid and completely unnecessary.
Posted by Ban Texting April 15, 09 01:57 PM

18. Our daughter racked up 9000 texts in one month and 4000 minutes talking. We traded her phone in for a "go phone". If she goes over the limit, the phone doesn't work at all until time is added to it. Was she happy? NO. Will she survive? I think she will. She can get a job and pay for more minutes AND her car insurance. Everyone wins!
I think a "go phone" is a brilliant compromise! What a great idea! -- LMA
Posted by sueandmax April 15, 09 02:07 PM

19. My year old daughter also has a major prolem with texting. Her grades were falling and she almost failed her classes . We took her phone away and she tried to tell us she was being "abused and cut-off from the world." When she got her phone back it broke shortly after. My husband I purposely did not have it fixed for over a month to prove a point. It was amazing "she realized she could survive". Her grades came up and now that it is fixed she realizes that she cannot text during dinner, homework etc... Hopefully, we are on the right track because we set consequences and are following through with them no matter what kind of tantrum is thrown!!!! Worried mom
Posted by Melanie Smith April 15, 09 02:12 PM

20. Dont buy them anything to text on. . My kids (15 and 11 ) dont have them.
They dont even have a cell phone and they get along just fine.
Simple.
Have them use a phone and restrict that if you can.
Posted by John April 15, 09 02:24 PM

21. I have to agree with John. My husband and I opted for the "go phone" because this child has been indulged from the beginning. She lives with her mother (I am the stepmother) and my husband wants her to have a phone to be able to contact him. (She didn't make the effort even before we traded phones). I raised five children and allowed them to have pay-as-you-go phones when they started to drive and insisted they have them with them in the car for emergencies. I don't agree with 12 or 13 yr. olds having phones. These kids have to have boundaries when they're toddlers because if you don't teach them values until they are teens, it is much harder. Kids aren't being taught how to manage time or money.
Posted by sueandmax April 15, 09 02:49 PM

22. My 14yo texts, talks on her cell & house phone & some IMs - sometimes all at the same time. This is done after school, & before bedtime (9:30pm) Last month she had over 4000 texts, however, that includes incoming texts also. (Her father plus several other friends live several states away.) HOWEVER, she is an A+ student, active in sports & church, and she knows if her grades slip, she can kiss her cell phone, house phone & any other communication good-bye. She also knows that if she does text at school or gets any disciplinary action for misuse of electronic devices, I will not support her and she will also loose privileges at home. She understands this & has no problems with any of our rules.
When she goes to bed her phone is off but I check her phone's text messages after she's asleep.
The bottom line is - I am the parent. I am in charge. Oh - she also has her chores to do at home. Yes, we do have unlimited text messaging, and I do ask at times who she is texting to and what they are discussing.
Posted by g05 April 15, 09 02:58 PM

23. This means the girl is not doing homework, taking gym or doing sports, etc. It also means she is addicted. I'd be worried if I were the parents. I'd also take the phone from the girl and let her figure out how to interact in real life face to face situations where you get to see facial expressions, and have opportunities to expand your discussion in a deeper more meaningful way.
Posted by karvictho April 15, 09 03:01 PM

24. Texting is only the tip of the iceberg. Most of the parents we talk to don't even know how to find the myspace and facebook accounts these young teens have. Kids as young as 12 figure out how to use fake names and set up additional hotmail accounts that parents don't even know about. One 12 yr old I know had a lovely myspace account (saying she was 14) which was set to private and looked very innocent. She also had one stating she was 21 yrs old with a variation of her name that would make a sailor blush. You would be amazed what you would learn if you use parental software showing exactly what your child sends and receives on your computer.
Posted by sueandmax April 15, 09 03:28 PM

25. A few kids in my daughter's 3rd grade class have cell phones. These are 7-8 year old kids! And one brags that it's an iPhone!
My daughter must ask once every week or so when she can get a cell phone! My niece just got her first one at 13 and that is considered old these days.
Posted by Jack D April 15, 09 04:42 PM

26. Technology is both the problem and the solution here. Verizon, Sprint, AT+T, and T-Mobile all have family plans that allow parents to control the number of texts and phone minutes kids have, as well as when they can use them and who they can contact. Prepaid plans are another option. Kajeet, a prepaid service, even lets parents control who pays for what. If your kid has to pay for texts, they will pay close attention to how many they send.
When I was a kid, a cell phone would have been handy more than once, including an incident in 5th grade when school let out early, and they wouldn't let us call our parents. I don't have kids, but if I was going to get a cell phone for a kid, I would either go with a Jitterbug (which lets them call 5 pre-programmed numbers and 911), or Kajeet.
Posted by Liz April 15, 09 05:30 PM

27. So many parents want to be "freinds" with their kids that is not what we are they have plenty of friends they need parents to set boundaires and when it gets down to it to know we are looking out for them. When my "step" daughter had 7000 texts I beleived it could become an addiction - the day we gave the or else ultimatum was when I noticed from the online record that she had texted almost the entire time she was marching (she in the HS band) in the Veterans Day parade - two of her grandfathers were veterans not to mention all the young people who have given their lives for our coutry recently - that was an emotional lesson but one which she took to heart. Recently we found out that she had a facebook - I asked my 21 year old very responsbile neice to go on and put on whatever safeuards and privacy settings that were appropriate. And every so often I ask my stepdaughter to go on facebook so the two of us can look at it together - I don't do it to invade her privacy - I do it in the hopes that she is constantly reminded that we are here and to remind her that whatever she puts out there is permanent. The parental software is a good idea is there a particular name?
Posted by astonished April 15, 09 05:59 PM

28. There are several types of parental software. There are also programs which will record any keystrokes on your computer. Search online or talk to someone at a store like Best Buy and they will show you what would work best for what you want to monitor.
Posted by sueandmax April 16, 09 05:00 PM

29. Texting is the only issue I have had so far parenting my 12 year old son. Good student, good athlete and most importantly a great kid. However, his texting is out of control. I keep hearing that all of his other friends text more than he does, and their parents don't give them a hard time. Which unfortuantely is true. My son has more than 70 "friends" listed as his contacts and he probably texts on average 3,000 per month. It's such an unnecessary distraction and an addiction. At the very least, I am limiting his text messages to 1,000 per month ( yes , I know it's pathetic) or completely cutting him off first thing tomorrw. Us parents need to collectively dicide to limit ths iactivity and not assume this activity is ok because that is just the way their ggeneration communicates with each other.
Posted by Mark April 17, 09 07:28 PM

30. I text about 1,000 texts a month on average and I am a 15 years old high school student. That girl has a little too much time on her hands to text 14,000+ messages in a month.
Tia, thank you for weighing in! It's great to read your perspective on this. I totally agree with you! -- LMA
Posted by Tia April 19, 09 07:23 PM

31. my parents are like freaks and cut off my texting for no reason and I always call at&t & try to sound all manly like my dad and they just put it back on everytime hahaha my parents are stupid.
I'm in 8th grade btw, and if you text THAT much... you seriously must have no life like no joke bro :)
Posted by julie April 21, 09 07:04 PM

32. Well I'm in 6th grade. Yes Right now I have 2000+ texts on my cellphone but its almost the end of the bill session. Luckily I got unlimited texting from Verizon!! I am actually very social. i always talk to my friends at school, well maybe too much!! I think texting is a good way to communicate with friends!! Maybe some reasons why theres so many texts is because a lot of them go like...wats up?......nmu......nm eitherr.......soooo........idk.......yupp.......watta wanna talk about?......... and so on but also convos can come up too. lol.

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Online Parent Support

Grandparents Raising Grandkids

Grandfathers/Grandmothers are an important resource for both parents and kids. They routinely provide youngster care, financial assistance and emotional support. Occasionally they are called upon to provide much more including temporary or full time care and responsibility for their grandkids.

An increasing number of kids in the United States live in households headed by a grandparent. This trend is due to:

• AIDS
• death or disability of parents
• incarcerations of parents
• increasing numbers of single parent families
• parental abuse and neglect
• substance abuse by parents
• teenage pregnancies
• the high rate of divorce

In many of these homes, neither of the youngster's biological parents is present. In most cases, kids taken care of by Grandfathers/Grandmothers move in with them as infants or preschoolers and remain with them for five years or more. These Grandfathers/Grandmothers are a diverse group ranging in ages from the thirties to the seventies. Many Grandfathers/Grandmothers are ready to simplify their lives and slow down. Giving that up and taking over the responsibilities of being a primary parent again can stir up many feelings including grief, anger, loss, resentment and possibly guilt. This transition can be very stressful and the emotional and financial burdens can be significant. Culture shock at having to deal with kids and adolescents of a different generation can be great. Grandparent headed households have a significantly higher poverty rate than other kinds of family units.

Many Grandfathers/Grandmothers in this care taking role underestimate or are unaware of the added burdens their new role as "parents" will place upon them. Grandfathers/Grandmothers often assume their role will be to nurture and reward kids without having to set limits. When Grandfathers/Grandmothers serve as parents, however, they must learn to set limits and establish controls as they did with their own kids.

Many kids living with Grandfathers/Grandmothers arrive with preexisting problems or risk factors including abuse, neglect, prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, and loss of parents (death, abandonment and incarceration). This situation can create risks for both kids and Grandfathers/Grandmothers. Caring for your grandkid can also be very positive and rewarding. Grandfathers/Grandmothers bring the benefit of experience and perspective. They can also provide important stability, predictability, and be a healthy role model for their grandkids.

It is very important for Grandfathers/Grandmothers to receive support and assistance. Seeking out other family members, clergy, support groups and social agencies can be helpful. The Grandfathers/Grandmothers Information Center (sponsored by the American Association of Retired Persons) is a good place to get information, referrals and support. The American Association of Retired Persons website address is www.aarp.org. Financial aid may be available especially if the youngster was abandoned, neglected or abused. Mental health professionals including youngster and adolescent psychiatrists, community mental health and youngster welfare agencies and parent-teacher associations are other important resources for the Grandfathers/Grandmothers.

All throughout human history, grandparents have raised the young while parents supplied the basic needs for survival. Parents and grandparent served as a family "team" supporting and nurturing the young. Lately however, the family team has broken apart for many with the result that over the last several decades the numbers of kids being raised by grandparents, either solely, or part-time, has been on the increase. So pervasive is this situation that no grandparent can exclude the possibility that he or she might be faced with the decision to raise grandkids, part or full time, at some time in their lives.

Here are some statistics that will give you an idea of the extent of the issue. A recent report from the U.S.Census (which only partially reflects the widespread nature of this issue) made the following comparison. In the year 1970, 2,214,000 kids under 18 lived in grandparent-headed households, with the mother present in half of these households. By the year 1997, this number was reported as 5,435,000, or 7.7 percent of all kids in the United States. The majority of kids are being raised by 2 grandparents, or a grandmother alone, with different degrees of parent involvement. Since then, the number has increased substantially.

In families that have both grandparents and grandkids, the grandparents are the head of the house three-quarters of the time. The parents are heads of the household in the remaining one-fourth of the homes. In the former arrangement, half of the families have a grandmother and grandfather present. The rest have a grandmother with no spouse. The majority are under 65 years of age and employed. Half of the grandkids are under 6 years of age, and often have neither support nor health insurance. Which underlines the financial as well as the emotional burden for grandparents. Although official census estimates made in the year 2000 hint the number to be more than 6 million it does not present the full picture. I estimate that the number of kids being raised by grandparents in America today, part- or full-time, is now close to 8 million.

A GROWING CHALLENGE FOR GRANDPARENTS—

The dramatic increase in the number of kids who need to be rescued by their grandparents during the last several decades poses an important challenge for grandparents today. For many it involves making a life-changing decision to dedicate one’s life to raising a kid at a time in life when one may be looking forward to more leisure and less responsibility (Minckler& Roe, 1993). The rise in grandparent-headed households reflects both a parent’s understandable need for help with childcare and, in the worst case "parental failure."

What follows will help you to understand some of the reasons for the explosion of this trend, its repercussions on the family and society, and what is being done to help grandparents do the job. For example, as a result of the increase in the number of grandparents raising grandkids, personal and governmental support organizations have been created (thanks to the efforts of many fine and dedicated people). So, if you are raising your grandkid, there are lots of resources, and local support groups, that are available to help you do the best job possible. Some of them are listed at the end of this section and can also be found on websites like www.grandparenting.org and AARP.org.

The more kids you have the greater the chance you will be care-taking a grandkid at some time or another. And, if you are presently raising a grandkid, or even caring part-time for a kid, there is a lot you need to know. Some grandparents ask. Why is this so prevalent today? How do I cope with caring for a grandkid? How do I deal with being a grandparent, and yet sometimes having to act like a parent? Do I have legal standing? Is help available and where can I get it? What can I expect as far as problems are concerned? How does my grandkid feel? How do I deal with parents?

Raising a grandkid is a complicated matter. You will have to know about emotional, financial, health, legal and educational matters. In what follows I will discuss these matters and some emotional and psychological aspects of raising grandkids that you need to know about. Let's start at the beginning.

The Cause: Parental Need or Failure—

When parents falter, nature has arranged it so kids naturally fall into the laps of their grandparents. Caring for a grandkid may be temporary, for example when a parent is ill or in turmoil. It can also be permanent, as in the case of death, serious substance abuse, or incarceration. Following are some of the common circumstances that place kids in jeopardy, forcing them to seek the sanctuary of their grandparents.

• Abandonment of the kid by the parent
• Kid abuse and neglect
• Death of a parent
• Divorce
• Family violence
• Homelessness
• Incarceration
• Parental illness (mental and physical)
• Poverty
• Substance abuse
• Teenage pregnancy
• Unemployment

The Effect: Grandparents To The Rescue—

Many grandparents faced with raising a grandkid experience ambivalent feelings. They become concerned about the welfare of their own kid (the parent) as well as their grandkid. They also have to deal with the reality that taking on the responsibility of caring for a grandkid will turn their lives topsy-turvy. This decision is further influenced by their personality type, values, priorities, life circumstances, how much time and effort will be required to raise a grandkid, how much help and support they can count on from their family and society, their financial status, their health, housing situation, and the amount of responsibility assumed and/or authority they have.

Some grandparents perceive taking on a parental role late in life as a blessing and are grateful for the opportunity to form a deeper bond with their grandkid. Other grandparents while enjoying its pleasures, still resent the responsibility and attendant inconveniences that are involved in raising a grandkid. The health effects of raising a grandkid depend on the basic health and vitality of the grandparent. Some grandparents say that raising a grandkid, although stressful and tiring at times, has increased their vitality and zest for life (Caren 1991, Kornhaber 1996). Others say their health is adversely affected (Minckler 1999). Most researchers agree that more study is needed in this area (Bower 1991).

Many have to deal with their resentment toward the grandkid’s parents for thrusting the responsibility upon them. Others view the failure of the parent as their own failure and feel responsible and overwhelmed with guilt. Many other grandparents express concern about the fate of their grandkid if they die or become too ill to care for the kid.

The degrees of resentment or acceptance they experience is closely related to whether or not they have a choice in the matter. Raquelle, a 47-year-old grandmother was awakened at 3 A.M. by a knock on her front door. When she opened the door she found her two-month old grandson on the front steps, neatly wrapped and sleeping in a small basket. Her drug-addicted daughter had left her baby there. "I had to take the baby in," Raquelle said. "My daughter was back on the street, and there was no one else to care for her. I don’t like it but what alternative do I have? I am not giving my grandkid over to strangers to raise."

When their daughter and son-in law were killed in an auto accident Peter and Gloria automatically took in their four grandkids to care for them. "They are my grandkids, my flesh and blood," said Peter. Who else is going to care for them the way Gloria and I do?" For some timing is a challenge. Elders who are ready to slow down and relax more, may understandably resent being forced into care-taking a young person. Della, 67 was ready to retire when her son, who was divorced and just joined the Air Force, deposited his two kids at her home. "I wasn't happy about it," she said, "but I had no choice except to raise them up."

Naturally, the lives of grandparents undergo great change when their grandkid moves in with them. Instead of spending time with their friends, they become immersed in the social life and schoolwork of their grandkid. And it can be especially difficult when a grandparent has a grandkid with emotional or behavioral difficulties. Some complain about being tired and overworked and resent it. Others feel that raising a grandkid has given them new meaning which compensates for the fatigue they feel. So, if you are raising your grandkid, expect to have many different feelings. On the one hand you will have to sacrifice a certain amount of your freedom. On the other hand, you are saving your grandkid's life

LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS—

The legal status of kids raised by grandparents can be tenuous. For example, many kids who live with their grandparents because of a parental substance abuse problem that waxes and wanes are often fearful because their parents still have legal custody. This tenuous situation makes kids frightened of being taken from their grandparents by a parent in the process of recovering from a drug problem because of the fear of relapse. Bouncing back and forth between grandma’s house and a frequently relapsing parent is very disruptive to kids. According to Sylvie de Toledo, L.C.S.W., who started Grandparents as Parents (GAP), a support system in California for grandparents raising grandkids (see "Resources"), this "revolving door" syndrome is common. Parents with unresolved drug problems reclaim their kids when they are in a period of remission. Then, when a relapse occurs, they abandon the youngster once again. When this happens the kid gets confused about where he belongs and fearful that his living routine will be disrupted. That is why grandparents raising grandkid should obtain some kind of legal custody for their grandkids until they are assured the parent is able to take over.

One 8-year-old who participated in our Grandparent Study was shuttled back and forth between her mother and grandmother's homes seventeen times in just three years. She said, "My mother goes into rehab and she's all right for a little while. Then she leaves the hospital, takes me from Grandma and brings me to her house. In a week or two she's back on drugs. Then I go to Grandma's and Mom goes back to rehab." Barbara Kirkland, a pioneer in the grandparent caretaker movement, has stated that if parents aren't available, grandparents should be given the legal means to provide the stable environment kids need. Ms. Kirkland told me, "Arrangements should be made for kids to get on with their lives, not remain in limbo. All kids deserve a future of belonging."

That is why a grandparent’s legal status is so important (see Chapter 42, "Legal Issues"). To have total responsibility and authority for your grandkid you may choose adoption, full or temporary custody, or guardianship. You can pursue full custody if your grandkid’s parents are dead, abusive, incarcerated or terminally ill. When custody is established by law, you gain rights and benefits not offered with other care-taking arrangements. For example, subsidized health insurance, social services housing, and school enrollment are made available to you as a grandparent raising a grandkid. Full custody is necessary if you wish to protect your grandkid from a parent's dysfunction, or to be free to raise your grandkid if the parent dies. When the parent is living and you have custody be aware that a situation might arise where the parent may wish to regain custody of their kid. This can be a bad or good thing depending on the competence of the parent to take care of their kid.

Other legal arrangements such as adoption, which terminates a parent's rights, temporary custody, and obtaining the status of a foster parent, serve you with a measure of legal security that will help you maintain a balance of power between yourself and the parents. If you have no legal recognition of your care-taking status, you may have difficulty accessing social support systems or medical, educational or financial services.

COPING—

You can expect a radical change in your lifestyle when you raise a grandkid full-time. If you have full, uninterrupted custody you will experience lifestyle changes that can affect your work life, friendships, daily activities and retirement plans. You will have to be involved with your grandkid's health, education and social life. If you are single, or have economic or health problems, you will need personal support as well as that of social service agencies. You will have to deal with the common issues grandparents are concerned about; their legal rights, attitudes of insurance companies toward insuring grandkids, financial strain, health problems, dealing with parents, obtaining adequate school service for the grandkid.

The quality of your relationship with your grandkid’s parent and the terms of your arrangement with them will obviously impact dramatically on your degree of responsibility as your grandkid’s caretaker. For example, if you are parenting a kid and grandkid at the same time, you will have constant, but varying, responsibility and authority because you have to act as a full-time parent and grandparent at the same time (Jendrek 1993).

You may have other grandkids who need your attention too. If you are providing regular daycare while parents work, you can send your grandkid home at the end of the day. You can also provide "stop gap" respite care. For example, providing sanctuary for a teenager having difficulty with parents is a temporary situation that ends when parents and kid are reunited.

Although grandparents raising a grandkid full-time recognize the life giving and energizing benefits of their position, they are also aware that the role can be time-consuming, fatiguing and often financially and emotionally burdensome. In one study of grandparents and great-grandparents rearing their kids's kids as a consequence of parental drug addiction, Burton (1992) concluded that while "respondents found parenting their grandkids an emotionally rewarding experience, they also incurred psychological, physical and economic costs in performing their roles. Some grandparents resent the disruption in their lives caused by their grandkid’s needs for time and attention. Others raising debilitated grandkids - kids addicted to cocaine, afflicted with fetal alcohol syndrome, malnourished, or suffering with other health, behavioral or learning problems - may be resentful of the extra care the kid requires."

Support for grandparents raising grandkids is vital for successful care-taking. Studies show that grandparents who cope well with their situation are those who seek out other family members and support groups to help them deal with their concerns. Others use their strong spiritual beliefs to bolster them. It is important that grandparents take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually to be effective caretakers of their grandkids.

Dealing with Social Agencies—

Grandparents raising a grandkid must learn how to deal with organizations and institutions to obtain the support they so desperately need. In the past, society's institutions did not support grandparent's efforts to obtain adequate funding, health care, education, or respite resources for their grandkid. Neither was help available to grandparents raising grandkids who were concerned with issues such as their authority, control, sibling rivalry, the generation gap, their grandkid’s education, their own illness and mortality, their sense of isolation, defensiveness, anger, fear of going crazy, guilt, shame, separation and abandonment. Because of the efforts of dedicated, caring advocates, today there is a great deal of help available for grandparents from social agencies. Joining a local grandparent support group is a great way to get the latest information as well as support from grandparents who are in the same situation as you. The names of groups in your area can be obtained from organizations like Generations United and the AARP Information Center (see "Resources").

If you choose to join a support group, here are some of the issues and problems that you may want to discuss with your peers:

GUIDELINES FOR DISCUSSION TO ENHANCE SUPPORT—

• Care-giving grandparents without legal custody must give up their grandkids to the kid's parents without assurance of the kid's health or well-being.

• Financial assistance, especially problems in receiving adequate financial help on a par with foster parents.

• Grandparents cannot help their grandkids in treatment centers without parents' permission.

• Grandparents often cannot obtain emergency medical care for their grandkid unless they have legal custody.

• Housing issues. The households of caretaking grandparents do not conform to the traditional definition of family as defined in zoning laws thus they may be excluded from living in a single family-zoned community.

• Many insurance companies do not allow grandparents to carry their grandkids as dependents.
Many schools will not admit a kid unless the kid's parent is living with the grandparent; thus grandparents are denied authority concerning the schooling of their grandkids and even transportation to another school district.

• Social security benefits are not payable to care-giving grandparents unless they adopt the kid.

• The difficulties in obtaining medical attention without formal custody.

Grandparents whose grandkids live with them full-time yet who do not have custody may have to pay for their grandkid's education and medical needs as well as day-to-day support. Although the state offers financial support to parents and foster parents through the Aid to Dependent Kids Program, no such help is easily given to grandparents. Furthermore, grandparent groups claim that some government agencies have been negligent in seeking counsel from grandparents concerning the disposition of an abandoned kid. There are cases cited in which state agencies, ignoring the wishes of grandparents seeking to raise their own grandkid, have placed the kid in the care of a series of strangers.

PARENT OR GRANDPARENT?—

Caring for your grandkid challenges your generational identity. The difficult and tricky task is to maintain your grandparent identity while acting as a parent. My experience, and that of others (Kennedy & Keeny 1988) shows that kids raised by grandparents would prefer their grandparents to remain grandparents. Even if they want to, kids cannot banish their parents from their minds and hearts; it is common knowledge that kids who lose their parents create dreams and fantasies to deal with the loss, such as idealizing their parents, having fantasies of being reunited with them, etc. Just as they may project anger onto a custodial parent as a result of the pain of divorce, kids may rationalize the loss of parents and even blame grandparents for their loss. Therefore, grandparents must be very careful not to be caught in the battle zone between their grandkid and the psychological work he or she has to do to resolve issues with the parent.

Whatever his or her experience with a parent, your grandkid has a need to have a healthy and loving parent. As a grandparent who is aware of this fact, try to defer your own needs to those of your grandkid. Demonstrate flexibility by moving in and out of the various roles you may be required to play, such as nurturer, mentor, role model, playmate and "parent." Your support and love can help your grandkid work through the difficult issues they may be grappling with.

One grandmother in the Grandparent Study asked her granddaughter, Paula, "Do you want me to be your grandmother acting like a parent or should I just be your mother?" Paula replied, "If I am your grandkid I will not have a mother or father. And if I don't have you I don't have anybody." When her grandmother signed the custody papers, Paula said, "Grandma, when I go to school tomorrow can I tell them I have a real Mom now?" Clearly, Paula needed her grandmother to play the role of parent. As Paula ages, her feelings may change or perhaps she will always need to see her grandmother in the guise of "parent."

The extent to which you play the "parent" over the "grandparent" is affected by a number of factors, i.e., the presence of other young kids at home, your age, whether or not you have custody of your grandkid, etc. Providing kids with a sense of stability and continuity is critical. Whether or not you play the role of parent for your grandkid, it is reassuring to know that, having learned from your own mistakes, you will be more competent at parenting a second time around. Daisy, a 55-year-old grandmother, said, "I feel good that I’m not making the same mistakes with my grandkid that I did with my kids." Her husband, Olin, 60-years-old, agrees: "I never gave my own kids the time and attention I give my grandson. I wish I had my own family to raise again. I would be a much better father."

Grandparents acting in a parental role often ask me about what happens to the "magical" ingredients of the grandparent-grandkid relationship-- the unconditional love, playfulness, spoiling, and loving "conspiracy" against the middle generation? These are qualities that are usually rooted in the grandparent's lack of direct responsibility for their grandkid. When you raise a grandkid, you may have to relinquish some of your grandparental prerogatives. Kids need behavioral limits and lacking a parent to enforce the rules, you must step in and lay down the law. If your grandkid has behavioral difficulties, you may have to play the role of "enforcer" even more than usual. Grandparents who raise their grandkids do tend to lose some of the "magical" qualities of their relationship with their grandkid, but at the same time also experience a degree of intimacy that might not otherwise be attained. Remember that a loving and flexible grandparent responds to the needs of the kid. Be what the kid needs you to be at that moment.

How Your Grandkid Feels—

I have found that kids raised by grandparents tend to be less rebellious and more understanding and grateful than other kids. Christine, 21-years-old and raised by her grandmother, said, "When I was a teenager most of my friends stayed out well beyond their curfew and often fought like hell with their parents. Not me. I knew my grandparents were doing all they could to keep things together. I didn't want to give them any grief so I always tried to come home on time."

Studies hint that kids without serious pre-existing problems who are raised by grandparents are healthier than kids in single parent or remarried families, have fewer behavioral problems and are better adapted socially. On the other hand, they recognize that many kids do have problems that started before their grandparents took over. In that case as well intentioned as the grandparent may be, the problems still need to be addressed.

My own experience convinces me that kids are thankful for what their grandparents are doing for them. Most grandparents realize the importance of what they are doing as well; being quite aware they are saving their grandkid. Few have reservations about what they have given up to achieve this. "Not for one second," James, 52-years-old, answered when asked if he had any hesitation about raising his grandkids after their parents were killed in a car crash. "It's natural to take them. That's what grandparents are for." "If my grandparents didn't take care of me, I'd be dead," said James’ 6-year-old grandson, Ralph.

Dealing With Parents—

If you are raising your grandkid, you must not forget you are still the parent of your grandkid’s parent. Even though you may be very angry and have lost respect for your kid, it is very important to recognize your kid as your grandkid’s parent and to help your own kid as much as possible. Perhaps your ability to be kind and forgiving will be taxed, but always remember that people do grow and change. Maintain a hopeful attitude, yet at the same time, always look reality in the face. Assure your kid that there will always be a place for her in the family. This behavior on your part sends a wonderful message to your grandkid, for they will be observing how you relate to their parent. For the sake of your grandkid, keep the lines of communication open to the parents.

GRANDPARENT SUPPORT GROUPS—

To help grandparents raising grandkids manage their responsibilities, a plethora of local support groups and national organizations have sprung up all across THE United States. Support groups such as The AARP Grandparent Information Center, Generations United, Grandparents Raising Grandkids, GAP (Grandparents As Parents), and ROCKing (Raising Our Kids's Kids) can help (see "Resources" below for more). If you are raising a grandkid, I urge you to join a local support group. Here are some guidelines to follow to increase public awareness about this issue, and the quality of services available in your community. Share these ideas and suggestions with local agencies.

CONCLUSION—

Raising a grandkid can be challenging and yet highly rewarding. Indeed, what greater gift could a grandparent receive than the love and respect of their grandkid who appreciates the sacrifices their grandparents made so that they would grow to be happy, healthy people? The words of loving praise that these grandkids have for their grandparents brings tears to the eyes of all who hear them and a glow to the hearts of the grandparents who deserve them.

If you are raising a grandkid, you have an added responsibility to educate others about what you are doing so you are supported and respected for your efforts. To this end make the effort to join together with other grandparents raising grandkids and urge government agencies, the legal system, schools, insurance companies, social agencies, religious and other institutions to recognize the good you are doing and to help lighten your burden as much as possible. To begin this effort get in touch with one of the organizations I have listed in the resources section. You will find that they have already done a great deal of work on your behalf. There is strength in numbers.

Resources—

Resources for grandparents raising grandkid have proliferated recently. For information about local resources, it is best to do a search on the World Wide Web. Contact your state agency on aging for help. The following organizations and agencies are very helpful too.

The AARP Grandparent Information Center. Lists support groups for grandparents raising grandkids, publishes a helpful and informative bulletin, and works hard in the best interest of grandparents and grandkids. www.aarp.org

Generations United. Lists support groups for grandparents raising grandkids and publishes supplies helpful information and woeks hard to affect public policy for the better.. 122 C. Street N.W. Suite 820 Washington, DC 20001-2109 Phone 202-638-1263 www.gu.org.

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Permissive Parenting

Moms & dads generally tend toward giving adolescents what they ask for -- within limits. Knowing what the limits should be is the real trick of parenting these days.

For example, do you feel comfortable saying 'NO' to going to an unsupervised party?

Here is a list of permissive parenting styles that describes the approaches many adults take toward dealing with their adolescents. See if you find yourself here.

General Confused Permissiveness
This is the most common type of permissive parenting. These are moms & dads who feel out of touch with the contemporary adolescent world but have a vague feeling that the best thing they can do is be a friend to their adolescent. Moms & dads generally try to give the adolescent whatever he or she asks for.

Compensatory Permissiveness
This is the style often adopted by moms & dads who grew up in poverty or who feel that their own moms & dads were too strict. They want to give their adolescent the material goods and behavioral freedom they themselves were denied. Moms & dads want to see themselves as an ally of their adolescent.

Conditional Permissiveness
This style is when moms & dads will give the adolescent what he or she wants on condition that the adolescent satisfy certain parental demands, which are usually not explicit. Freedom and material benefits are often given in return for behavior that reflects well on the family, such as making good grades or buttering up Aunt Sophie. Moms & dads tend to see the adolescents as mini-adults.

Indifferent Permissiveness
This describes moms & dads who are too involved with other things to take an active part in their adolescent's life. They tend to give material goods and freedom in return for the adolescent's not making too many demands on their time. Moms & dads may be overwhelmed by real problems in their lives, such as illness or poverty; they may be substance-dependent; or they may just be too self-absorbed to take a real interest in their adolescent.

All of these attitudes are likely to backfire.

One problem is that the adolescent is likely to see his privileges and material goods as inherent rights rather than as benefits contingent on parental approval. The adolescent is likely to keep raising the ante, asking for more and more, until moms & dads hit a limit. This can result in a cyclical overreaction. The moms & dads say "No," and the adolescent gets into trouble, making it clear that the adolescent thinks the moms & dads are unfairly trying to control his or her life. The moms & dads get scared, feeling their authority is at risk.

Moms & dads will typically then try to regain control by limiting some resource that the adolescent values -- the car, clothes, money. The adolescent correctly perceives that this is a power struggle, and feels that his or her self-esteem is on the line.

Adolescents will often fight back by escalating behavior over which the moms & dads have little or no control -- friends, sexual behavior, substance abuse. The power struggle is now getting played for dangerous stakes. Moms & dads are suddenly confronted with the fact that their power over their adolescent rests with the adolescent's acceptance of their authority.

Talk with your adolescent about expectations and intentions.

Fortunately, most moms & dads and adolescents have enough residue of caring about each other to talk these issues through in calmer moments so that both can survive adolescence.

One way to do this is to establish a negotiation process. Moms & dads and adolescents can acknowledge openly that there are areas where moms & dads have a legitimate right to exercise control over the decisions and behavior of the adolescent. Then there are areas where moms & dads and adolescents must negotiate the extent of authority that that each has. Growing up is seen as this gradual extension of authority to the adolescent.

In this way, the adolescent develops decision-making skills while still under the protection of the parent. Moms & dads are expected to state the reasons for their decisions, rather than arbitrarily withdrawing privileges out of anger and hurt.

There's nothing like living with a adolescent to make you examine yourself and your value system.

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Kids Who Have Kids

Babies born in the U.S. to teen mothers are at risk for long-term problems in many major areas of life, including school failure, poverty, and physical or mental illness. The teen mothers themselves are also at risk for these problems.

Teen pregnancy is usually a crisis for the pregnant girl and her family. Common reactions include anger, guilt, and denial. If the father is young and involved, similar reactions can occur in his family.

Teens who become pregnant may not seek proper medical care during their pregnancy, leading to an increased risk for medical complications. Pregnant teens require special understanding, medical care, and education--particularly about nutrition, infections, substance abuse, and complications of pregnancy. They also need to learn that using tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs, can damage the developing fetus. All pregnant teens should have medical care beginning early in their pregnancy.

Pregnant teens can have many different emotional reactions:

• depression is also common among pregnant teens
• depression is also common among pregnant teens
• many do not anticipate that their adorable baby can also be demanding and sometimes irritating
• others may view the creation of a youngster as an achievement and not recognize the serious responsibilities
• some become overwhelmed by guilt, anxiety, and fears about the future
• some may keep a youngster to please another family member
• some may not want their babies
• some may want a baby to have someone to love, but not recognize the amount of care the baby needs
• some may want them for idealized and unrealistic ways

Babies born to teens are at risk for neglect and abuse because their young mothers are uncertain about their roles and may be frustrated by the constant demands of caretaking. Adult parents can help prevent teen pregnancy through open communication and by providing guidance to their kids about sexuality, contraception, and the risks and responsibilities of intimate relationships and pregnancy. Some teen girls drop out of school to have their babies and don't return. In this way, pregnant teens lose the opportunity to learn skills necessary for employment and self-survival as adults. School classes in family life and sexual education, as well as clinics providing reproductive information and birth control to young people, can also help to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

If pregnancy occurs, teens and their families deserve honest and sensitive counseling about options available to them, from abortion to adoption. Special support systems, including consultation with a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist when needed, should be available to help the teenager throughout the pregnancy, the birth, and the decision about whether to keep the infant or give it up for adoption. There may be times when the pregnant teenager's emotional reactions and mental state will require referral to a qualified mental health professional.

Talking To Your Kids About Sex—

Talking to your kids about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of parenting. Parents can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to talk to their kids about these issues. However, many parents avoid or postpone the discussion. Each year about one million teen girls become pregnant in the United States and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease. Kids and teens need input and guidance from parents to help them make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior since they can be confused and over-stimulated by what they see and hear. Information about sex obtained by kids from the Internet can often be inaccurate and/or inappropriate.

Talking about sex may be uncomfortable for both parents and kids. Parents should respond to the needs and curiosity level of their individual youngster, offering no more or less information than their youngster is asking for and is able to understand. Getting advice from a clergyman, pediatrician, family physician, or other health professional may be helpful. Books that use illustrations or diagrams may aid communication and understanding.

Kids have different levels of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age and level of maturity. As kids grow older, they will often ask for more details about sex. Many kids have their own words for body parts. It is important to find out words they know and are comfortable with to make talking with them easier. A 5-year-old may be happy with the simple answer that babies come from a seed that grows in a special place inside the mother. Dad helps when his seed combines with mom's seed which causes the baby to start to grow. An 8-year-old may want to know how dad's seed gets to mom's seed. Parents may want to talk about dad's seed (or sperm) coming from his penis and combining with mom's seed (or egg) in her uterus. Then the baby grows in the safety of mom's uterus for nine months until it is strong enough to be born. An 11-year-old may want to know even more and parents can help by talking about how a man and woman fall in love and then may decide to have sex.

It is important to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings about sex are important issues to be discussed. Talking to your kids can help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping kids understand that these are decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that they make good choices.

Teens are able to talk about lovemaking and sex in terms of dating and relationships. They may need help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding their sexual identity, and sexual behavior in a relationship. Concerns regarding masturbation, menstruation, contraception, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are common. Some teens also struggle with conflicts around family, religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin.

In talking with your youngster or adolescent, it is helpful to:

• Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
• Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
• Encourage your youngster to talk and ask questions.
• Help your youngster to consider the pros and cons of choices.
• Keep your sense of humor and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
• Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
• Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one's partner.
• Try to determine your youngster's level of knowledge and understanding.
• Use words that are understandable and comfortable.

By developing open, honest and ongoing communication about responsibility, sex, and choice, parents can help their youngsters learn about sex in a healthy and positive manner.

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