House Rules for Teens

Limits and house-rules are necessary to create order and productivity -- the lack of which creates chaos and confusion. House-rules provide the basis of understanding for what is expected, whether in the workplace, classroom, community or family. If a classroom had no house-rules, very little learning would occur. If a community operated without rules, it would cease to be a safe place to live. Likewise, if harmony is to be maintained within the family, there must be a proper set of family house-rules, understandings or expectations that are based on your family values.

If your adolescent is usually compliant and responsible, you will probably only need to have a few house-rules. However, if you are dealing with a difficult or defiant adolescent, you are already familiar with the need for a more defined structure.

SETTING CORE HOUSE-RULES –

When setting house-rules, you want to identify some basic core house-rules and then support the core house-rules by establishing several small preventive house-rules.

For example:

If you have a core rule of "Don't use drugs," then you will want to set some preventive house-rules such as WHO your adolescent may associate with, WHAT types of activities are allowed, WHERE your adolescent is allowed to go, and WHEN your adolescent may go as well as when he or she is expected to return. It would be foolish to think your adolescent could hang out at the wrong places or associate with drug-using friends and remain drug free.

When you create preventive house-rules along with your main core house-rules, it provides your adolescent with the greatest amount of protection. It also allows you to be involved so that you can be aware of problems early and resolve them before they become overwhelming.

VERIFYING YOUR ADOLESCENT'S PLANS –

One way to keep tabs on your adolescent is to take the time to verify all of your adolescent's plans. If your adolescent says she is going to spend the night at her friend's house, then get the phone number and call the friend's moms & dads to make sure that the friend's moms & dads know about these arrangements and have okayed this plan. It is amazing how many kids walk out the door and say, "Bye, I'm spending the night at Mary's; see you in the morning," and then head off to a drug or alcohol party or a rave because their moms & dads never bothered to double-check their arrangements.

In my experience, most moms & dads who receive these types of calls from another parent are actually very happy to see that you are concerned enough about your child's welfare to verify his or her arrangements. This also gets the moms & dads working together on their adolescents' behalf. Groups of moms & dads who are united in maintaining the safety and welfare of their children can be a powerful force for a adolescent to reckon with.

One thing I should point out is that if you have any suspicions about whether or not you are really talking to a parent when you make your phone call (I have had situations where my adolescent's friends got on the line and pretended to be a parent), then either visit the house and talk to the parent directly or veto your adolescent's plans and make him/her stay home. If your adolescent knows that you will check every plan she makes, she will be a lot less likely to make plans you don't approve of or to end up in a place she should not be.

MAINTAINING GOOD GRADES –

If you want your adolescent to maintain good grades, you may need to have some clear preventive house-rules in areas such as: school attendance, completing daily homework, and obtaining weekly progress reports. The key is that rather than waiting until the end of the semester to see if your adolescent receives good grades, you set house-rules and create a structure that will help your adolescent along the way and maximize their chances for success.

ESTABLISHING WRITTEN HOUSE-RULES –

In order to clarify your house-rules and make sure that there is no misunderstanding or excuses regarding house-rules you set, consider writing up a Home House-rules Contract with a adolescent which clearly states each rule the adolescent is to follow. Many times, having the adolescent do the rough draft of a home contract for himself can provide structure for your adolescent that he will agree with since he helped to set it up.

House-rules in a home contract should be clearly written, not too overbearing, and should be discussed thoroughly so that there is no question as to the meaning of the rule. If the contract is too punitive and restrictive, your adolescent may be overwhelmed by this new contract rather than helped by it.

Sometimes, a adolescent will want to put responsibility on you in a home contract. For example, a younger adolescent might ask for a stipulation in the contract that states that if he does all his chores for the week without a lot of fuss, in exchange you will drive him to the movies or roller skating on Friday night. As long as you are okay with your adolescent going to the movies and roller skating and also approve of the friends he might see at these places, this is generally a fair arrangement for a adolescent and parent to enter into.

Conflict is inevitable with difficult or defiant adolescents. Consistently addressing and resolving conflicts over small issues, such as homework, dress, grooming and curfew, is your best preventive measure to avoid the large, devastating issues such as adolescent pregnancy, substance abuse and failing grades. "Take care of the small things, and the big things will take care of themselves," really applies when it comes to administering house-rules.

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When Your Youngster Begins to Fail in School

Many teenagers experience a time when keeping up with school work is difficult. These periods may last several weeks and may include social problems as well as a slide in academic performance.

Research suggests that problems are more likely to occur during a transitional year, such as moving from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school.

Some teenagers are able to get through this time with minimal assistance from their moms & dads or teachers. It may be enough for a parent to be available simply to listen and suggest coping strategies, provide a supportive home environment, and encourage the youngster's participation in school activities.

However, when the difficulties last longer than a single grading period, or are linked to a long-term pattern of poor school performance or behavior problems, moms & dads and teachers need to intervene.

Identifying Teenagers Who Are At Risk for Failure

Some "at-risk" indicators, such as those listed here, may represent persistent problems from the early elementary school years for some kids. Other school kids may overcome early difficulties but begin to experience related problems during middle school or high school. For others, some of these indicators may become noticeable only in early adolescence.

To intervene effectively, moms & dads and teachers can be aware of some common indicators of an adolescent at risk for school failure, including:

• Absenteeism -- the school kid is absent five or more days per term.
• Attention problems as a young youngster -- the school kid has a school history of attention issues or disruptive behavior.
• Behavior problems -- the school kid may be frequently disciplined or show a sudden change in school behavior, such as withdrawing from class discussions.
• Lack of confidence -- the school kid believes that success is linked to native intelligence rather than hard work, and believes that his or her own ability is insufficient, and nothing can be done to change the situation.
• Lack of connection with the school -- the school kid is not involved in sports, music, or other school-related extracurricular activities.
• Limited goals for the future -- the school kid seems unaware of available career options or how to attain those goals.
• Multiple retentions in grade -- the school kid has been retained one or more years.
• Poor grades -- the school kid consistently performs at barely average or below average levels.

When more than one of these attributes characterizes an adolescent, the school kid will likely need assistance from both moms & dads and teachers to complete his or her educational experience successfully. Girls, and school kids from culturally or linguistically diverse groups, may be especially at risk for academic failure if they exhibit these behaviors. Stepping back and letting these school kids "figure it out" or "take responsibility for their own learning" may lead to a deeper cycle of failure within the school environment.

Teenagers Want To Feel Connected to Their Family and Their School

In a recent survey, when school kids were asked to evaluate their transitional years, they indicated interest in connecting to their new school and requested more information about extracurricular activities, careers, class schedules, and study skills. Schools that develop programs that ease transitions for school kids and increase communication between schools may be able to reduce failure rates.

The Role of Parenting Style

Parenting style may have an impact on the youngster's school behavior. Many experts distinguish among permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative parenting styles. These parenting styles are associated with different combinations of warmth, support, and limit-setting and supervision for kids.

The permissive style tends to emphasize warmth and neglect limit-setting and supervision; the authoritarian style tends to emphasize the latter and not the former; while the authoritative style is one in which moms & dads offer warmth and support, and limit-setting and supervision. When the authoritative parenting style is used, the adolescent may be more likely to experience academic success.

It is important to remember that teenagers need their moms & dads not only to set appropriate expectations and boundaries, but also to advocate for them.

Moms & dads -- and teachers -- can assist teenagers by:

• Arranging tutoring or study group support for the teen from the school or the community through organizations such as the local YMCA or a local college or university
• Attending school functions, such as sports, and plays
• Emphasizing the importance of study skills, hard work, and follow-through
• Encouraging the teen to participate in one or more school activities
• Encouraging the teen to volunteer in the community or to participate in community groups such as the YMCA, Scouting, 4-H, religious organizations, or other service-oriented groups to provide an out-of-school support system
• Helping the teen think about career options by arranging for visits to local companies and colleges, picking up information on careers and courses, and encouraging an internship or career-oriented part-time job
• Making the time to listen to and try to understand the teen's fears or concerns
• Meeting as a team, including moms & dads, teachers, and school counselor, asking how they can support the teen's learning environment, and sharing their expectations for the youngster's future
• Providing a supportive home and school environment that clearly values education
• Setting appropriate boundaries for behavior that are consistently enforced

Don't Give Up on Your Youngster

Understanding the factors that may put an adolescent at-risk for academic failure will help moms & dads determine if their teen is in need of extra support. Above all, moms & dads need to persevere. The teen years do pass, and most teenagers survive them, in spite of bumps along the way.

Being aware of common problems can help moms & dads know when it is important to reach out and ask for help before a difficult time develops into a more serious situation.

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Understanding Violent Behavior in Kids and Adolescents

There is a great concern about the incidence of violent behavior among kids and adolescents. This complex and troubling issue needs to be carefully understood by moms & dads, teachers, and other adults.

Kids as young as preschoolers can show violent behavior. Moms & dads and other adults who witness the behavior may be concerned; however, they often hope that the young child will "grow out of it." Violent behavior in a youngster at any age always needs to be taken seriously. It should not be quickly dismissed as "just a phase they're going through!"

Range of Violent Behavior—

Violent behavior in kids and adolescents can include a wide range of behaviors: explosive temper tantrums, physical aggression, fighting, threats or attempts to hurt others (including homicidal thoughts), use of weapons, cruelty toward animals, fire setting, intentional destruction of property and vandalism.

Factors Which Increase Risk of Violent Behavior—

Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in kids and adolescents. These factors include:

• Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse
• Brain damage from head injury
• Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
• Exposure to violence in media (TV, movies, etc.)
• Exposure to violence in the home and/or community
• Genetic (family heredity) factors
• Presence of firearms in home
• Previous aggressive or violent behavior
• Use of drugs and/or alcohol

What are the "warning signs" for violent behavior in kids?

Kids who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated:

• Becoming easily frustrated
• Extreme impulsiveness
• Extreme irritability
• Frequent loss of temper or blow-ups
• Intense anger

Moms & dads and teachers should be careful not to minimize these behaviors in kids.

What can be done if a youngster shows violent behavior?

Whenever a parent or other adult is concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help. The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the youngster to:

• accept consequences
• be responsible for his/her actions
• express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways
• learn how to control his/her anger

In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.

Can anything prevent violent behavior in kids?

Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated. Most importantly, efforts should be directed at dramatically decreasing the exposure of kids and adolescents to violence in the home, community, and through the media. Clearly, violence leads to violence.

In addition, the following strategies can lessen or prevent violent behavior:

• Early intervention programs for violent youngsters
• Monitoring youngster's viewing of violence on TV/videos/movies
• Prevention of child abuse (use of programs such as parent training, family support programs, etc.)
• Sex education and parenting programs for adolescents

Kids and TV Violence—

American kids watch an average of three to four hours of television daily. Television can be a powerful influence in developing value systems and shaping behavior. Unfortunately, much of today's television programming is violent. Hundreds of studies of the effects of TV violence on kids and young people have found that kids may:

• become "immune" or numb to the horror of violence
• gradually accept violence as a way to solve problems
• identify with certain characters, victims and/or victimizers
• imitate the violence they observe on television

Extensive viewing of television violence by kids causes greater aggressiveness. Sometimes, watching a single violent program can increase aggressiveness. Kids who view shows in which violence is very realistic, frequently repeated or unpunished, are more likely to imitate what they see. Kids with emotional, behavioral, learning or impulse control problems may be more easily influenced by TV violence. The impact of TV violence may be immediately evident in the youngster's behavior or may surface years later. Young people can even be affected when the family atmosphere shows no tendency toward violence.

While TV violence is not the only cause of aggressive or violent behavior, it is clearly a significant factor. Moms & dads can protect kids from excessive TV violence in the following ways:

• disapprove of the violent episodes in front of the kids, stressing the belief that such behavior is not the best way to resolve a problem
• pay attention to the programs their kids are watching and watch some with them
• point out that although the actor has not actually been hurt or killed, such violence in real life results in pain or death
• refuse to let the kids see shows known to be violent, and change the channel or turn off the TV set when offensive material comes on, with an explanation of what is wrong with the program
• set limits on the amount of time they spend with the television; consider removing the TV set from the youngster's bedroom
• to offset peer pressure among friends and classmates, contact other moms & dads and agree to enforce similar rules about the length of time and type of program the kids may watch

Moms & dads can also use these measures to prevent harmful effects from television in other areas such as racial or sexual stereotyping. The amount of time kids watch TV, regardless of content, should be moderated because it decreases time spent on more beneficial activities such as reading, playing with friends, and developing hobbies. If moms & dads have serious difficulties setting limits, or have ongoing concerns about their youngster's behavior, they should contact a child and adolescent psychiatrist for consultation and assistance.

The Influence of Music and Music Videos—

Singing and music have always played an important role in learning and the communication of culture. Kids learn from what their role models do and say. For many years, some kids's television very effectively used the combination of words, music and fast-paced animation to achieve learning.

Most moms & dads are concerned about what their young kids see and hear, but as kids grow older, moms & dads pay less attention to the music and videos that capture and hold their kids's interest.

Sharing music between generations in a family can be a pleasurable experience. Music also is often a major part of a young person's separate world. It is quite common for young people to get pleasure from keeping adults out, which causes adults some distress.

A concern to many interested in the development and growth of young people is the negative and destructive themes of some kinds of music (rock, heavy metal, hip-hop, etc.), including best-selling albums promoted by major recording companies. The following themes, which are featured prominently in some lyrics, can be particularly troublesome:

• Drugs and alcohol abuse that is glamorized
• Graphic violence
• Sex which focuses on control, sadism, masochism, incest, kids devaluing women, and violence toward women
• Suicide as an "alternative" or "solution"

Moms & dads can help their young people by paying attention to their young person's purchasing, downloading, listening and viewing patterns, and by helping them identify music that may be destructive. An open discussion without criticism may be helpful.

Music is not usually a danger for a young person whose life is balanced and healthy. But if a young person is persistently preoccupied with music that has seriously destructive themes, and there are changes in behavior such as isolation, depression, alcohol or other drug abuse, evaluation by a qualified mental health professional should be considered.

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Teaching Kids About S e x

Answering children' questions about sex is one of the responsibilities many moms & dads dread most. Otherwise confident moms & dads often feel tongue-tied and awkward when it comes to sex. But the subject shouldn't be avoided. By answering children' questions as they arise, moms & dads can help foster healthy feelings about sex.

When do children start becoming curious about sex?

Children are human beings and therefore sexual beings. It's hard for moms & dads to acknowledge this, just as it's hard for children to think of their moms & dads as sexually active. But even infants have curiosity about their own bodies, which is healthy and normal.

What sort of "sexual" behavior do young children exhibit?

Toddlers will often touch themselves when they are naked, such as in the bathtub or while being diapered. At this stage of development, they have no modesty. Their moms & dads' reaction will tell them whether their actions are acceptable. Toddlers should not be scolded or made to feel ashamed of being interested in their bodies. It is natural for children to be interested in their own bodies. Some moms & dads may choose to casually ignore self-touching. Others may want to acknowledge that, while they know it feels good, it is a private matter. Moms & dads can make it clear that they expect the youngster to keep that activity private.

Moms & dads should only be concerned about masturbation if a youngster seems preoccupied with it to the exclusion of other activities. Victims of sexual abuse sometimes become preoccupied with self-stimulation.

Is it OK to use nicknames for private parts?

By the time a youngster is 3 years of age, moms & dads may choose to use the correct anatomical words. They may sound clinical, but there is no reason why the proper label shouldn't be used when the youngster is capable of saying it. These words — penis, vagina, etc. — should be stated matter-of-factly, with no implied silliness. That way, the youngster learns to use them in a direct manner, without embarrassment.

In fact, this is what most moms & dads do. A Gallup Poll showed that 67% of moms & dads use actual names to refer to male and female body parts.

What do you tell a very young youngster who asks where babies come from?

Depending on the youngster's age, you can say that the baby grows from an egg in the mommy's womb, pointing to your stomach, and comes out of a special place, called the vagina. There is no need to explain the act of lovemaking because very young children will not understand the concept.

However, you can say that when a man and a woman love each other, they like to be close to one another. Tell them that the man's sperm joins the woman's egg and then the baby begins to grow. Most children under the age of 6 will accept this answer. Age-appropriate books on the subject are also helpful. Answer the question in a straightforward manner, and you will probably find that your youngster is satisfied with a little information at a time.

What should you do if you catch children "playing doctor" (showing private parts to each other)?

Children 3 to 6 years old are most likely to "play doctor." Many moms & dads overreact when they witness or hear of such behavior. Heavy-handed scolding is not the way to deal with it. Nor should moms & dads feel this is or will lead to promiscuous behavior. Often, the presence of a parent is enough to interrupt the play.

You may wish to direct your youngster's attention to another activity without making a lot of fuss. Later, sit down with your youngster for a talk. Explain that although you understand the interest in his or her friend's body, but that people are generally expected to keep their bodies covered in public. This way you have set limits without having made the youngster feel guilty.

This is also an appropriate age to begin to talk about good and bad touch. Tell children that their bodies are their own and that they have the right to privacy. No one should touch children if they don't like it or want it. Tell them that if anyone ever touches them in a way that feels strange or bad, they should tell that person to stop it and then tell you about it. Explain that you want to know about anything that makes your children feel bad or uncomfortable.

When should moms & dads sit children down for that all-important "birds and bees" talk?

Actually, never! Learning about sex should not occur in one all-or-nothing session. It should be more of an unfolding process, one in which children learn, over time, what they need to know. Questions should be answered as they arise so that children' natural curiosity is satisfied as they mature.

If your youngster doesn't ask questions about sex, don't just ignore the subject. At about age 5, you can begin to introduce books that approach sexuality on a developmentally appropriate level. Moms & dads often have trouble finding the right words, but many excellent books are available to help.

At what age should nudity in the home be curtailed?

Families set their own standards for nudity, modesty, and privacy. Although every family's values are different, privacy is an important concept for all children to learn. Moms & dads should explain limits regarding privacy the same way that other house rules are explained — matter-of-factly — so that children don't come to associate privacy with guilt or secrecy. Generally, they'll learn from the limits you establish for them.

To what extent can moms & dads depend on schools to teach sex education?

Moms & dads should begin the sex education process long before it starts in school. The introduction of formal sex education in the classroom varies; many schools start it in the fifth or sixth grade. Some of the topics addressed in sex-ed class may include anatomy, contraception, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. Moms & dads should be open to continuing the dialogue and answering questions at home. Schools tend to teach mechanics and science more than values. This is an area where moms & dads can and should have something to teach.

At what age should girls be told about menstruation?

Girls (and boys!) should have information about menstruation by about age 8, some of which may be provided in school. Instructional books are helpful, but moms should also share their own personal experiences with their daughters, including when their periods first started and what it felt like, and how, like many things, it wasn't such a big deal after a while.

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