The decision on when to ask an older teenager to leave the home has more to do with a family’s morals and values. First of all, if he violates a cardinal rule, he should leave. If he’s insulting you, abusive with a family member or breaking things, he should leave. He should go stay with a friend. The teens who are going to be most likely to be asked to leave are the teens who are going to tell you they have nowhere to go -- because the abusive behavior won’t be an unexpected anomaly in their life. It’s not like their whole life is great, but they hit their brother. The abusive older teenager will most likely show a pattern of this behavior and demonstrate a host of thinking errors. So when you ask him to leave, he won’t know where he can go, because he is unable to solve that problem.
Secondly, if things are going well with the living arrangement, the teenager should be told to think about leaving once he has the means. Once the first and last month’s rent and a deposit are set aside and he has a car and he’s driving, he should be told to start looking for a place with a roommate. I’ve worked with many college graduates at agencies who were not able to own a car or have their own apartment at the same time. They had to make a choice because they didn’t make that much money. They had to accept either having their own car and living with a roommate and learning how to live with other people, or not having a car and living close to their job and just having their own apartment. But they can’t have it both ways, and moms & dads should not take responsibility for that.
Independence is a decision you can make as a family. If a young adult teenager is doing well, living at home and meeting the family’s expectations, then there’s no problem. But someday he will want to be independent. The way you get there is to sit down and have the teenager set some goals. Where do you plan to live? When do you plan to move out? How much does the teenager need to pay for rent or room and board while living at home? Measure progress toward the goal by the objectives. If the teenager has a goal to move out and he’s not meeting any of the objectives, it’s a joke.
The greatest gift you can give your teenager is “knowing how to be independent and take responsibility.” If a teenager fears independence and responsibility, you can solve that problem by having a written agreement that shows the teenager how to live by your rules, and have ongoing discussions about the goal of independence and how to meet it.
Online Parent Support
27.7.09
Bullying
Bullying is a common experience for many kids and teens. Surveys indicate that as many as half of all kids are bullied at some time during their school years, and at least 10% are bullied on a regular basis.
Bullying behavior can be physical or verbal. Boys tend to use physical intimidation or threats, regardless of the gender of their victims. Bullying by girls is more often verbal, usually with another girl as the target. Recently, bullying has even been reported in online chat rooms and through e-mail.
Kids who are bullied experience real suffering that can interfere with their social and emotional development, as well as their school performance. Some victims of bullying have even attempted suicide rather than continue to endure such harassment and punishment.
Kids and teens who bully thrive on controlling or dominating others. They have often been the victims of physical abuse or bullying themselves. Bullies may also be depressed, angry or upset about events at school or at home. Kids targeted by bullies also tend to fit a particular profile. Bullies often choose kids who are passive, easily intimidated, or have few friends. Victims may also be smaller or younger, and have a harder time defending themselves.
If you suspect your youngster is bullying others, it's important to seek help for him or her as soon as possible. Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties. Talk to your youngster's pediatrician, teacher, principal, school counselor, or family physician. If the bullying continues, a comprehensive evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional should be arranged. The evaluation can help you and your youngster understand what is causing the bullying, and help you develop a plan to stop the destructive behavior.
If you suspect your youngster may be the victim of bullying ask him or her to tell you what's going on. You can help by providing lots of opportunities to talk with you in an open and honest way.
It's also important to respond in a positive and accepting manner. Let your youngster know it's not his or her fault, and that he or she did the right thing by telling you. Other specific suggestions include the following:
• Seek help from your youngster's teacher or the school guidance counselor. Most bullying occurs on playgrounds, in lunchrooms, and bathrooms, on school buses or in unsupervised halls. Ask the school administrators to find out about programs other schools and communities have used to help combat bullying, such as peer mediation, conflict resolution, and anger management training, and increased adult supervision.
• Help your youngster practice what to say to the bully so he or she will be prepared the next time.
• Help your youngster practice being assertive. The simple act of insisting that the bully leave him alone may have a surprising effect. Explain to your youngster that the bully's true goal is to get a response.
• Encourage your youngster to be with friends when traveling back and forth from school, during shopping trips, or on other outings. Bullies are less likely to pick on a child in a group.
• Don't encourage your youngster to fight back. Instead, suggest that he or she try walking away to avoid the bully, or that they seek help from a teacher, coach, or other adult.
• Ask your youngster what he or she thinks should be done. What's already been tried? What worked and what didn't?
If your youngster becomes withdrawn, depressed or reluctant to go to school, or if you see a decline in school performance, additional consultation or intervention may be required. A child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional can help your child, family and school develop a strategy to deal with the bullying. Seeking professional assistance earlier can lessen the risk of lasting emotional consequences for your youngster.
Online Parent Support
20.7.09
Physical and Sexual Abuse in Children
Child Physical Abuse—
The statistics on physical child abuse are alarming. It is estimated hundreds of thousands of kids are physically abused each year by a parent or close relative. Thousands actually die as a result of the abuse. For those who survive, the emotional trauma remains long after the external bruises have healed. Communities and the courts recognize that these emotional “hidden bruises” can be treated. Early recognition and treatment is important to minimize the long term effect of physical abuse. Whenever a youngster says he or she has been abused, it must be taken seriously and immediately evaluated.
Kids who have been abused may display:
• a poor self image
• aggressive, disruptive, and sometimes illegal behavior
• anger and rage
• anxiety and fears
• drug and alcohol abuse
• fear of entering into new relationships or activities
• feelings of sadness or other symptoms of depression
• flashbacks, nightmares
• inability to trust or love others
• passive, withdrawn or clingy behavior
• school problems or failure
• self destructive or self abusive behavior, suicidal thoughts
• sexual acting out
• sleep problems
Often the severe emotional damage to abused kids does not surface until adolescence or even later, when many abused kids become abusing moms & dads. An adult who was abused as a youngster often has trouble establishing lasting and stable personal relationships. These men and women may have trouble with physical closeness, touching, intimacy, and trust as adults. They are also at higher risk for anxiety, depression, substance abuse, medical illness, and problems at school or work.
Early identification and treatment is important to minimize the long-term consequences of abuse. Qualified mental health professionals should conduct a comprehensive evaluation and provide treatment for kids who have been abused. Through treatment, the abused child begins to regain a sense of self-confidence and trust. The family can also be helped to learn new ways of support and communicating with one another. Moms & dads may also benefit from support, parent training and anger management.
Physical abuse is not the only kind of child abuse. Many kids are also victims of neglect, or sexual abuse, or emotional abuse. In all kinds of child abuse, the youngster and the family can benefit from evaluation and treatment from a qualified mental health professional.
Child Sexual Abuse—
Child sexual abuse has been reported up to 80,000 times a year, but the number of unreported instances is far greater, because the kids are afraid to tell anyone what has happened, and the legal procedure for validating an episode is difficult. The problem should be identified, the abuse stopped, and the youngster should receive professional help. The long-term emotional and psychological damage of sexual abuse can be devastating to the youngster.
Child sexual abuse can take place within the family, by a parent, step-parent, sibling or other relative; or outside the home, for example, by a friend, neighbor, child care person, teacher, or stranger. When sexual abuse has occurred, a youngster can develop a variety of distressing feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
No youngster is psychologically prepared to cope with repeated sexual stimulation. Even a two or three year old, who cannot know the sexual activity is wrong, will develop problems resulting from the inability to cope with the overstimulation.
The youngster of five or older who knows and cares for the abuser becomes trapped between affection or loyalty for the person, and the sense that the sexual activities are terribly wrong. If the youngster tries to break away from the sexual relationship, the abuser may threaten the youngster with violence or loss of love. When sexual abuse occurs within the family, the youngster may fear the anger, jealousy or shame of other family members, or be afraid the family will break up if the secret is told.
A youngster who is the victim of prolonged sexual abuse usually develops low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. The youngster may become withdrawn and mistrustful of adults, and can become suicidal.
Some kids who have been sexually abused have difficulty relating to others except on sexual terms. Some sexually abused kids become child abusers or prostitutes, or have other serious problems when they reach adulthood.
Often there are no obvious external signs of child sexual abuse. Some signs can only be detected on physical exam by a physician.
Sexually abused kids may also develop the following:
• aspects of sexual molestation in drawings, games, fantasies
• delinquency/conduct problems
• depression or withdrawal from friends or family
• refusal to go to school
• secretiveness
• seductiveness
• sleep problems or nightmares
• statements that their bodies are dirty or damaged, or fear that there is something wrong with them in the genital area
• suicidal behavior
• unusual aggressiveness
• unusual interest in or avoidance of all things of a sexual nature
Child sexual abusers can make the youngster extremely fearful of telling, and only when a special effort has helped the youngster to feel safe, can the youngster talk freely. If a youngster says that he or she has been molested, moms & dads should try to remain calm and reassure the youngster that what happened was not their fault. Moms & dads should seek a medical examination and psychiatric consultation.
Moms & dads can prevent or lessen the chance of sexual abuse by:
• Encouraging professional prevention programs in the local school system
• Teaching kids that respect does not mean blind obedience to adults and to authority, for example, don't tell kids to, Always do everything the teacher or baby-sitter tells you to do
• Telling kids that if someone tries to touch your body and do things that make you feel funny, say NO to that person and tell me right away
Sexually abused kids and their families need immediate professional evaluation and treatment. Child and adolescent psychiatrists can help abused kids regain a sense of self-esteem, cope with feelings of guilt about the abuse, and begin the process of overcoming the trauma. Such treatment can help reduce the risk that the youngster will develop serious problems as an adult.
Responding To Child Sexual Abuse—
When a youngster tells an adult that he or she has been sexually abused, the adult may feel uncomfortable and may not know what to say or do. The following guidelines should be used when responding to kids who say they have been sexually abused:
What to Say—If a youngster even hints in a vague way that sexual abuse has occurred, encourage him or her to talk freely. Don't make judgmental comments.
• Assure the youngster that they did the right thing in telling. A youngster who is close to the abuser may feel guilty about revealing the secret. The youngster may feel frightened if the abuser has threatened to harm the youngster or other family members as punishment for telling the secret.
• Offer the youngster protection, and promise that you will promptly take steps to see that the abuse stops.
• Show that you understand and take seriously what the youngster is saying. Child and adolescent psychiatrists have found that kids who are listened to and understood do much better than those who are not. The response to the disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the youngster's ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse.
• Tell the youngster that he or she is not to blame for the sexual abuse. Most kids in attempting to make sense out of the abuse will believe that somehow they caused it or may even view it as a form of punishment for imagined or real wrongdoings.
What to Do—Report any suspicion of child abuse. If the abuse is within the family, report it to the local Child Protection Agency. If the abuse is outside of the family, report it to the police or district attorney's office. Individuals reporting in good faith are immune from prosecution. The agency receiving the report will conduct an evaluation and will take action to protect the youngster.
Moms & dads should consult with their pediatrician or family physician, who may refer them to a physician who specializes in evaluating and treating sexual abuse. The examining doctor will evaluate the youngster's condition and treat any physical problem related to the abuse, gather evidence to help protect the youngster, and reassure the youngster that he or she is all right.
Kids who have been sexually abused should have an evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional to find out how the sexual abuse has affected them, and to determine whether ongoing professional help is necessary for the youngster to deal with the trauma of the abuse. The child and adolescent psychiatrist can also provide support to other family members who may be upset by the abuse.
While most allegations of sexual abuse made by kids are true, some false accusations may arise in custody disputes and in other situations. Occasionally, the court will ask a child and adolescent psychiatrist to help determine whether the youngster is telling the truth, or whether it will hurt the youngster to speak in court about the abuse.
When a youngster is asked as to testify, special considerations--such as videotaping, frequent breaks, exclusion of spectators, and the option not to look at the accused--make the experience much less stressful.
Adults, because of their maturity and knowledge, are always the ones to blame when they abuse kids. The abused kids should never be blamed.
When a youngster tells someone about sexual abuse, a supportive, caring response is the first step in getting help for the youngster and reestablishing their trust in adults.
Online Parent Support
The statistics on physical child abuse are alarming. It is estimated hundreds of thousands of kids are physically abused each year by a parent or close relative. Thousands actually die as a result of the abuse. For those who survive, the emotional trauma remains long after the external bruises have healed. Communities and the courts recognize that these emotional “hidden bruises” can be treated. Early recognition and treatment is important to minimize the long term effect of physical abuse. Whenever a youngster says he or she has been abused, it must be taken seriously and immediately evaluated.
Kids who have been abused may display:
• a poor self image
• aggressive, disruptive, and sometimes illegal behavior
• anger and rage
• anxiety and fears
• drug and alcohol abuse
• fear of entering into new relationships or activities
• feelings of sadness or other symptoms of depression
• flashbacks, nightmares
• inability to trust or love others
• passive, withdrawn or clingy behavior
• school problems or failure
• self destructive or self abusive behavior, suicidal thoughts
• sexual acting out
• sleep problems
Often the severe emotional damage to abused kids does not surface until adolescence or even later, when many abused kids become abusing moms & dads. An adult who was abused as a youngster often has trouble establishing lasting and stable personal relationships. These men and women may have trouble with physical closeness, touching, intimacy, and trust as adults. They are also at higher risk for anxiety, depression, substance abuse, medical illness, and problems at school or work.
Early identification and treatment is important to minimize the long-term consequences of abuse. Qualified mental health professionals should conduct a comprehensive evaluation and provide treatment for kids who have been abused. Through treatment, the abused child begins to regain a sense of self-confidence and trust. The family can also be helped to learn new ways of support and communicating with one another. Moms & dads may also benefit from support, parent training and anger management.
Physical abuse is not the only kind of child abuse. Many kids are also victims of neglect, or sexual abuse, or emotional abuse. In all kinds of child abuse, the youngster and the family can benefit from evaluation and treatment from a qualified mental health professional.
Child Sexual Abuse—
Child sexual abuse has been reported up to 80,000 times a year, but the number of unreported instances is far greater, because the kids are afraid to tell anyone what has happened, and the legal procedure for validating an episode is difficult. The problem should be identified, the abuse stopped, and the youngster should receive professional help. The long-term emotional and psychological damage of sexual abuse can be devastating to the youngster.
Child sexual abuse can take place within the family, by a parent, step-parent, sibling or other relative; or outside the home, for example, by a friend, neighbor, child care person, teacher, or stranger. When sexual abuse has occurred, a youngster can develop a variety of distressing feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
No youngster is psychologically prepared to cope with repeated sexual stimulation. Even a two or three year old, who cannot know the sexual activity is wrong, will develop problems resulting from the inability to cope with the overstimulation.
The youngster of five or older who knows and cares for the abuser becomes trapped between affection or loyalty for the person, and the sense that the sexual activities are terribly wrong. If the youngster tries to break away from the sexual relationship, the abuser may threaten the youngster with violence or loss of love. When sexual abuse occurs within the family, the youngster may fear the anger, jealousy or shame of other family members, or be afraid the family will break up if the secret is told.
A youngster who is the victim of prolonged sexual abuse usually develops low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. The youngster may become withdrawn and mistrustful of adults, and can become suicidal.
Some kids who have been sexually abused have difficulty relating to others except on sexual terms. Some sexually abused kids become child abusers or prostitutes, or have other serious problems when they reach adulthood.
Often there are no obvious external signs of child sexual abuse. Some signs can only be detected on physical exam by a physician.
Sexually abused kids may also develop the following:
• aspects of sexual molestation in drawings, games, fantasies
• delinquency/conduct problems
• depression or withdrawal from friends or family
• refusal to go to school
• secretiveness
• seductiveness
• sleep problems or nightmares
• statements that their bodies are dirty or damaged, or fear that there is something wrong with them in the genital area
• suicidal behavior
• unusual aggressiveness
• unusual interest in or avoidance of all things of a sexual nature
Child sexual abusers can make the youngster extremely fearful of telling, and only when a special effort has helped the youngster to feel safe, can the youngster talk freely. If a youngster says that he or she has been molested, moms & dads should try to remain calm and reassure the youngster that what happened was not their fault. Moms & dads should seek a medical examination and psychiatric consultation.
Moms & dads can prevent or lessen the chance of sexual abuse by:
• Encouraging professional prevention programs in the local school system
• Teaching kids that respect does not mean blind obedience to adults and to authority, for example, don't tell kids to, Always do everything the teacher or baby-sitter tells you to do
• Telling kids that if someone tries to touch your body and do things that make you feel funny, say NO to that person and tell me right away
Sexually abused kids and their families need immediate professional evaluation and treatment. Child and adolescent psychiatrists can help abused kids regain a sense of self-esteem, cope with feelings of guilt about the abuse, and begin the process of overcoming the trauma. Such treatment can help reduce the risk that the youngster will develop serious problems as an adult.
Responding To Child Sexual Abuse—
When a youngster tells an adult that he or she has been sexually abused, the adult may feel uncomfortable and may not know what to say or do. The following guidelines should be used when responding to kids who say they have been sexually abused:
What to Say—If a youngster even hints in a vague way that sexual abuse has occurred, encourage him or her to talk freely. Don't make judgmental comments.
• Assure the youngster that they did the right thing in telling. A youngster who is close to the abuser may feel guilty about revealing the secret. The youngster may feel frightened if the abuser has threatened to harm the youngster or other family members as punishment for telling the secret.
• Offer the youngster protection, and promise that you will promptly take steps to see that the abuse stops.
• Show that you understand and take seriously what the youngster is saying. Child and adolescent psychiatrists have found that kids who are listened to and understood do much better than those who are not. The response to the disclosure of sexual abuse is critical to the youngster's ability to resolve and heal the trauma of sexual abuse.
• Tell the youngster that he or she is not to blame for the sexual abuse. Most kids in attempting to make sense out of the abuse will believe that somehow they caused it or may even view it as a form of punishment for imagined or real wrongdoings.
What to Do—Report any suspicion of child abuse. If the abuse is within the family, report it to the local Child Protection Agency. If the abuse is outside of the family, report it to the police or district attorney's office. Individuals reporting in good faith are immune from prosecution. The agency receiving the report will conduct an evaluation and will take action to protect the youngster.
Moms & dads should consult with their pediatrician or family physician, who may refer them to a physician who specializes in evaluating and treating sexual abuse. The examining doctor will evaluate the youngster's condition and treat any physical problem related to the abuse, gather evidence to help protect the youngster, and reassure the youngster that he or she is all right.
Kids who have been sexually abused should have an evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional to find out how the sexual abuse has affected them, and to determine whether ongoing professional help is necessary for the youngster to deal with the trauma of the abuse. The child and adolescent psychiatrist can also provide support to other family members who may be upset by the abuse.
While most allegations of sexual abuse made by kids are true, some false accusations may arise in custody disputes and in other situations. Occasionally, the court will ask a child and adolescent psychiatrist to help determine whether the youngster is telling the truth, or whether it will hurt the youngster to speak in court about the abuse.
When a youngster is asked as to testify, special considerations--such as videotaping, frequent breaks, exclusion of spectators, and the option not to look at the accused--make the experience much less stressful.
Adults, because of their maturity and knowledge, are always the ones to blame when they abuse kids. The abused kids should never be blamed.
When a youngster tells someone about sexual abuse, a supportive, caring response is the first step in getting help for the youngster and reestablishing their trust in adults.
Online Parent Support
13.7.09
Children and Grief: When a Pet Dies
For many kids, their first real experience with loss occurs when a pet dies. When a pet dies, kids need consolation, love, support, and affection more than they need complicated medical or scientific explanations. Kid's reactions to the death of a pet will depend upon their age and developmental level. Kids 3 to 5 years of age see death as temporary and potentially reversible. Between ages 6 and 8, kids begin to develop a more realistic understanding of the nature and consequences of death. Generally, it is not until 9 years of age that kids fully understand that death is permanent and final. For this reason, very young kids should be told that when a pet dies, it stops moving, doesn't see or hear anymore, and won't wake up again. They may need to have this explanation repeated to them several times.
There are many ways parents can tell their kids that a pet has died. It is often helpful to make kids as comfortable as possible (use a soothing voice, hold their hand or put an arm around them) and to tell them in a familiar setting. It is also important to be honest when telling kids that a pet has died. Trying to protect kids with vague or inaccurate explanations can create anxiety, confusion, and mistrust.
Kids often have questions after a pet dies, including: Why did my pet die? Is it my fault? Where does my pet's body go? Will I ever see my pet again? If I wish hard and am really good can I make my pet come back? Does death last forever? It is important to answer such questions simply, but honestly.
Kids may experience sadness, anger, fear, denial, and guilt when their pet dies. They may also be jealous of friends with pets.
When a pet is sick or dying, spend time talking with your youngster about his/her feelings. If possible, it is helpful to have the youngster say goodbye before the pet dies. Parents can serve as models by sharing their feelings with their kids. Let your youngster know it is normal to miss pets after they die and encourage the youngster to come to you with questions or for reassurance and comfort.
There is no best way for kids to mourn their pets. They need to be given time to remember their pets. It helps to talk about the pet with friends and family. Mourning a pet has to be done in a youngster's own way. After a pet has died, kids may want to bury the pet, make a memorial, or have a ceremony. Other kids may write poems and stories, or make drawings of the pet. It is usually best not to immediately replace the pet that has died.
Online Parent Support
5.7.09
Dealing with Disrespectful Adolescents
Adolescents are seldom disrespectful without a reason, because every youngster wants to be loved and valued. They would not risk their feeling of security and inclusion for the sake of it. The following are the most common reasons for disrespect, especially when:
1. They feel unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. This is the main reason why adolescents go off the rails and behave badly.
This is their way of getting back and hurting the mom or dad for the lack of worth they feel. They do not have a strong sense of value and so the respect goes. Their behavior is more like retaliation and revenge for not feeling loved and appreciated. Kids need to be shown love and affection daily. A simple hug, a kind word and positive reinforcement are essential to show value and appreciation and increase the adolescent's feeling of security and self-worth. Moms & dads who were not shown outward affection themselves might feel awkward in this regard but affirming that adolescent regularly as a valued person is very important.
2. They are not affirmed or reinforced, but mainly criticized; their views and feelings are not respected either. This often happens in strict homes where there is too much discipline, too little slack and too many expectations which the adolescents find difficult to fulfill. They have no way of thriving as their own individual and the frustration is evident in disrespectful behavior. Many moms & dads are so keen for the youngster to develop in their own image and likeness, they forget that there is an independent person waiting to emerge and unwittingly stifle their growth. This of course causes resentment, anger and lack of respect. The main tip here is NOT to criticize before you praise. Always begin with praise when you have to be corrective and, where possible, don't criticize at all, simply affirm every desired or acceptable thing they do. In this way, you will bring desired behavior to the fore and reduce the undesirable ones. ALWAYS try to compromise with the youngster's need and not just insist on your own. It shows respect for their feelings and aspirations and teaches them to respect yours too.
For example, when my kids were growing up and started dating, they were requested to bring every new friend home. They could have them in their room but the door had to be always open and the friend had to leave by midnight. It meant that we did not have to worry where my adolescents were in the evenings; I did not try to control their lives and they had a chance to meet their friends openly instead of being furtive. It also showed the friends the standard of behavior expected in our home.
3. They are emotionally hurting and in pain. Many kids hurt for lots of reasons that their moms & dads are not even aware of. Often the moms & dads get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The youngster could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a mom or dad makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the adolescent may perceive are missing.
The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities without being intrusive. Wait until they are ready to open up. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.
4. They have been indulged and spoilt, not taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. Disrespect is rife in homes where moms & dads have been permissive in bringing up their kids and where there are few firm rules set for appropriate behavior. It is easy for the youngster to push the boundaries and behave in a disrespectful way because they know no different and believe that kind of behavior would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the adolescents are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment and bad behavior is their way of rebelling against this. The best tips here are to be firm but fair with the youngster from as early as possible in their life, to be consistent but flexible with rules and to ensure that the boundaries for good behavior are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that adolescents are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will then become routine in their behavior and help to make them more confident, especially in the more competitive adult world.
5. They are copying mom or dad's behavior. Kids in homes where the moms & dads do not treat each other with any respect, and where language is abusive, critical or inappropriate, tend to use those examples as their guidelines and behave accordingly. Moms & dads teach their kids not only through what they say, but most importantly, through what they DO. Kids will pick up inappropriate and ambiguous behavior when they have been set the wrong examples. The moms & dads might not want that to happen but that is the only outcome where there is no other model to copy. The best tip in this instance is to behave in a manner which you wish your adolescent to adopt. Set the right tone and behavior consistently and they are likely to follow because they will be able to make the right decision for themselves when they are faced with conflicting behaviors and have to choose.
The main thing to remember is that adolescents learn from their moms & dads, both spoken and unspoken behavior. To get the kind of adolescents we desire, simply reinforce the behavior that is desired while quietly reducing more inappropriate ones, especially in an atmosphere of flexibility and mutual respect.
Don’t take it personally—
Respect, disrespect and compliance are often issues that become entangled between moms & dads and kids. Here’s how I see it: moms & dads have a right to expect compliance from all the kids who are living in their house, even if that youngster is 22 years old. Often, the friction is caused by an adolescent’s legitimate need to become more independent as he develops. This is precisely where moms & dads and adolescents come into conflict: the mom or dad wants compliance and the adolescent wants independence. Now let’s take it one step further: When the adolescent doesn’t comply, the mom or dad feels disrespected—and they make the mistake of personalizing that feeling.
I think that adolescents have to learn to solve the problem of compliance in healthy ways. But moms & dads also need to understand that many times, their youngster’s small acts of rebelliousness come from the fact that they want to be independent—it has nothing to do with disrespect.
Here’s an example. Let’s say a adolescent is late for curfew. The mom or dad says, “Why are you late?” The kid gives them some excuse, and the mom or dad asks, “Well, why didn’t you call?” The adolescent replies, “Well, I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of my friends.” The mom or dad comes back with, “Well, you’re not going out Friday night as a result; you have to take more responsibility to be on time and to call if you’re going to be late.” While giving the youngster this consequence is fair, if the mom or dad then says, “You have no right to disrespect me that way” and they take it personally, they’re on the wrong track.
One of the biggest mistakes moms & dads can make is to take their youngster’s behavior personally. The truth is you should never fall into that trap because the adolescent next door is doing the same thing to his moms & dads, and your cousin’s daughter is doing the same thing to her moms & dads. Your role is to just deal with your youngster’s behavior as objectively as possible. When moms & dads don’t have effective ways to deal with these kinds of things, they may feel out of control and get scared—and often overreact or under react to the situation. When they overreact, they become too rigid, and when they under react, they ignore the behavior or tell themselves it’s “just a phase.” Either way, it won’t help your youngster learn to manage his thoughts or emotions more effectively, and be more respectful.
Disrespectful Things Moms & dads Can - and Should – Ignore—
Generally, I recommend that moms & dads ignore the mildly disrespectful things that their kids do. We’ve talked about eye rolling and stomping up the stairs, but I would also include things like muttering about how life isn’t fair, sighing dramatically or even slamming their bedroom door on occasion.
When my son was a adolescent, there were times when we’d tell him to do something and he’d walk up the stairs to his room mumbling, “Man, I hate this garbage.” We allowed that display of emotion because we weren’t threatened by it. My wife and I would simply look at each other and chuckle after he’d left and say, “Yeah, yeah, whatever—just go do your homework.” I personally think that kids need to be able to express their frustration about living within a family and following its rules. So I advise moms & dads to tolerate that type of behavior. After all, your adolescent needs to learn how to have feelings and opinions of his own, and he has to have a safe place in which he can express his frustration—and sometimes you’ll see him do this in very immature ways.
By the way, there were moms & dads with whom I’ve worked who didn’t have the tolerance to allow that kind of behavior. They felt that it was a threat to their authority, and they ended up challenging it at every turn. But I believe that if your adolescent is otherwise managing his life—getting good enough grades, being a good enough kid, not doing criminal or anti-social things, not doing high risk things—that type of behavior isn’t a threat to the moms & dads’ authority at all. Rather, I believe that when kids engage in mildly rebellious expressions of frustration, it’s a sign that you clearly have the authority. Think of it this way: it’s not a challenge to your authority, it’s an expression of frustration about your authority. That means the ball is in your court. There’s no reason to throw it to your youngster and give power to their annoying—but harmless—behavior.
Disrespectful Child Behavior Moms & dads Should NOT Ignore—
Make no mistake, when true disrespect is directed toward a specific mom or dad or sibling and it’s demeaning and rude, it has to be dealt with immediately. If your youngster doesn’t see where that line between disrespect and mild rebelliousness is, sit down with them when things are going well and say, “Listen, if you want to stomp up the stairs because you’re frustrated and you think things aren’t fair, that’s okay with me. But if you start calling people names and being rude to family members, you’re going to be held accountable for that behavior. So, don’t go too far.”
If you’ve noticed that your youngster has already crossed the line and is behaving in an increasingly disrespectful manner, you can say, “Look, there’s a line that I think you’re crossing when you talk to us. If you want to roll your eyes and say “Whatever,” that’s fine with me. I don’t want to fight with you about that. But name calling, blaming, and yelling are not acceptable. You are responsible not to do those things.” Always put these ideas together for your kids: responsibility, accountability, and consequences. What that looks like is, “You’re responsible to behave a certain way. I’m going to hold you accountable for that behavior, and there will be consequences if you don’t take responsibility for it.” Just complete that circle for your youngster so they can see the relationship between these three important ideas.
Here’s an example. Let’s say your teenage son has called his sister a rude or hurtful name, and you’ve sent him to his room. When things have calmed down, sit down with him and say, “You know, I’ve been hearing you say disrespectful things to your sister. And I just want to remind you that if you’re rude or hurtful to her, it’s as bad as being disrespectful to me. And the consequence for that kind of behavior is…” And let him know what is going to happen.
Let’s see how that conversation might go:
You: “You know the consequences for disrespectful behavior in this house. I’m taking your phone away until you’re not disrespectful for four hours. You’ve got a chance to get it back a half hour before bedtime, so don’t blow it.”
Your child: “Whatever. I’m going to bed anyway.”
You: “OK, that’s fine with me. We can start the clock when you wake up.”
Your child: “That’s not fair! I need my phone tomorrow.”
You: “That’s not my problem. My problem is how do I get you to stop talking to your sister that way? And your problem is, why are you using disrespect as a way to deal with your negative feelings? And believe me, calling your sister names doesn’t solve that problem in an effective way. That’s not acceptable in this home.”
Note that the mom or dad here took her son’s phone away for a relatively short period of time—four hours. I believe that’s better than taking it for a day or two because now, the mom or dad has the youngster working to get it back. The adolescent has to focus on the new behavior of being respectful—or at least not being rude and disrespectful—in order to earn back his cell phone. In doing this, you’re creating a pathway for better behavior, and you’re working toward a culture of accountability and respect in your home.
A Final Word: Respect Begins at Home—
Respect begins at home. If you want your kids to be respectful, you have to be respectful, too. Let’s make no bones about that. If you call your kids names, if you yell at others in a condescending way, if you make derogatory remarks to your spouse, don’t be surprised if your youngster behaves the same way. You’re modeling that behavior for him. Moms & dads who tell their kids, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say,” are just creating the kind of double standard that breeds negativity and resentment. Let’s face it, if you’re doing something yourself, it gets very complicated when you ask your youngster to stop. Believe me, kids know hypocrisy when they see it.
An ineffective mom or dad is a person who expects their kids to do things that they’re not willing to do themselves. You have to live your values. If you value respect, then you’ve got to behave respectfully.
Question: My 15-year-old daughter has become unbelievably rude and sassy with me lately. She's at her worst in front of her friends, such as when I'm driving them to the mall or when she has kids over for dinner or a video. It seems like she's trying to impress her friends with how tough she is, but it makes me furious. I know kids this age are moody, and I don't want to embarrass her by reprimanding her in front of her friends, but I'm feeling like a doormat. What is the best way to handle this?
Answer: It's true that 15-year-olds are moody and that they often disagree or test limits in their push toward independence. But we don't do our kids any favors by tolerating bad behavior. Quite the opposite; adolescents do best when moms & dads set and enforce clear and reasonable limits. Embarrassing or not, it's time to put a halt to your daughter's disrespectful behavior--for your sake and hers. I suggest you take the following steps:
In private, tell your daughter that her recent disrespectful behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it from now on, regardless of whether her friends are around. (You don't mention your daughter's father, but I hope he will stand with you on this.)
Tell your daughter in clear and certain terms how you expect her to talk to you--for example, in a calm voice without swearing or name-calling. (A "thank you" for the ride to the mall or dinner for her friends would be in order as well.)
Tell her exactly how you will respond if she crosses the line. For example, if she slips into disrespectful behavior when others are not around, you will simply turn away or go to another room; you will talk with her when she's ready to do so respectfully. If you are driving her someplace, you will turn around and go home. Or if her friends are over for dinner, you will call their moms & dads to pick them up, explaining why you've had to put an end to the social evening. Let your daughter know that if she finds these consequences embarrassing, it is her choice how to behave. She can avoid the embarrassment by treating you with respect.
Then, once your daughter knows what you expect, follow through promptly and consistently. Let your actions show that you say what you mean and mean what you say.
Finally, once you have turned your focus away from your daughter's negative behavior, pay attention to the positive. When you enjoy a fun outing or a quiet evening at home with your daughter, let her know you enjoyed the time together. And if she calmly and respectfully questions a rule you've set or a request you've made (as any adolescent is bound to do), listen to her point of view. Sometimes she will have a good point and you may decide to adjust your expectations accordingly. (For example, you might decide to extend her curfew by a half hour, or agree to let her go biking with a friend before she settles down to do her homework.) As adolescents move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a mom or dad, you have a responsibility to help your daughter practice these skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude.
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1. They feel unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. This is the main reason why adolescents go off the rails and behave badly.
This is their way of getting back and hurting the mom or dad for the lack of worth they feel. They do not have a strong sense of value and so the respect goes. Their behavior is more like retaliation and revenge for not feeling loved and appreciated. Kids need to be shown love and affection daily. A simple hug, a kind word and positive reinforcement are essential to show value and appreciation and increase the adolescent's feeling of security and self-worth. Moms & dads who were not shown outward affection themselves might feel awkward in this regard but affirming that adolescent regularly as a valued person is very important.
2. They are not affirmed or reinforced, but mainly criticized; their views and feelings are not respected either. This often happens in strict homes where there is too much discipline, too little slack and too many expectations which the adolescents find difficult to fulfill. They have no way of thriving as their own individual and the frustration is evident in disrespectful behavior. Many moms & dads are so keen for the youngster to develop in their own image and likeness, they forget that there is an independent person waiting to emerge and unwittingly stifle their growth. This of course causes resentment, anger and lack of respect. The main tip here is NOT to criticize before you praise. Always begin with praise when you have to be corrective and, where possible, don't criticize at all, simply affirm every desired or acceptable thing they do. In this way, you will bring desired behavior to the fore and reduce the undesirable ones. ALWAYS try to compromise with the youngster's need and not just insist on your own. It shows respect for their feelings and aspirations and teaches them to respect yours too.
For example, when my kids were growing up and started dating, they were requested to bring every new friend home. They could have them in their room but the door had to be always open and the friend had to leave by midnight. It meant that we did not have to worry where my adolescents were in the evenings; I did not try to control their lives and they had a chance to meet their friends openly instead of being furtive. It also showed the friends the standard of behavior expected in our home.
3. They are emotionally hurting and in pain. Many kids hurt for lots of reasons that their moms & dads are not even aware of. Often the moms & dads get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The youngster could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a mom or dad makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the adolescent may perceive are missing.
The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities without being intrusive. Wait until they are ready to open up. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.
4. They have been indulged and spoilt, not taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. Disrespect is rife in homes where moms & dads have been permissive in bringing up their kids and where there are few firm rules set for appropriate behavior. It is easy for the youngster to push the boundaries and behave in a disrespectful way because they know no different and believe that kind of behavior would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the adolescents are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment and bad behavior is their way of rebelling against this. The best tips here are to be firm but fair with the youngster from as early as possible in their life, to be consistent but flexible with rules and to ensure that the boundaries for good behavior are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that adolescents are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will then become routine in their behavior and help to make them more confident, especially in the more competitive adult world.
5. They are copying mom or dad's behavior. Kids in homes where the moms & dads do not treat each other with any respect, and where language is abusive, critical or inappropriate, tend to use those examples as their guidelines and behave accordingly. Moms & dads teach their kids not only through what they say, but most importantly, through what they DO. Kids will pick up inappropriate and ambiguous behavior when they have been set the wrong examples. The moms & dads might not want that to happen but that is the only outcome where there is no other model to copy. The best tip in this instance is to behave in a manner which you wish your adolescent to adopt. Set the right tone and behavior consistently and they are likely to follow because they will be able to make the right decision for themselves when they are faced with conflicting behaviors and have to choose.
The main thing to remember is that adolescents learn from their moms & dads, both spoken and unspoken behavior. To get the kind of adolescents we desire, simply reinforce the behavior that is desired while quietly reducing more inappropriate ones, especially in an atmosphere of flexibility and mutual respect.
Don’t take it personally—
Respect, disrespect and compliance are often issues that become entangled between moms & dads and kids. Here’s how I see it: moms & dads have a right to expect compliance from all the kids who are living in their house, even if that youngster is 22 years old. Often, the friction is caused by an adolescent’s legitimate need to become more independent as he develops. This is precisely where moms & dads and adolescents come into conflict: the mom or dad wants compliance and the adolescent wants independence. Now let’s take it one step further: When the adolescent doesn’t comply, the mom or dad feels disrespected—and they make the mistake of personalizing that feeling.
I think that adolescents have to learn to solve the problem of compliance in healthy ways. But moms & dads also need to understand that many times, their youngster’s small acts of rebelliousness come from the fact that they want to be independent—it has nothing to do with disrespect.
Here’s an example. Let’s say a adolescent is late for curfew. The mom or dad says, “Why are you late?” The kid gives them some excuse, and the mom or dad asks, “Well, why didn’t you call?” The adolescent replies, “Well, I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of my friends.” The mom or dad comes back with, “Well, you’re not going out Friday night as a result; you have to take more responsibility to be on time and to call if you’re going to be late.” While giving the youngster this consequence is fair, if the mom or dad then says, “You have no right to disrespect me that way” and they take it personally, they’re on the wrong track.
One of the biggest mistakes moms & dads can make is to take their youngster’s behavior personally. The truth is you should never fall into that trap because the adolescent next door is doing the same thing to his moms & dads, and your cousin’s daughter is doing the same thing to her moms & dads. Your role is to just deal with your youngster’s behavior as objectively as possible. When moms & dads don’t have effective ways to deal with these kinds of things, they may feel out of control and get scared—and often overreact or under react to the situation. When they overreact, they become too rigid, and when they under react, they ignore the behavior or tell themselves it’s “just a phase.” Either way, it won’t help your youngster learn to manage his thoughts or emotions more effectively, and be more respectful.
Disrespectful Things Moms & dads Can - and Should – Ignore—
Generally, I recommend that moms & dads ignore the mildly disrespectful things that their kids do. We’ve talked about eye rolling and stomping up the stairs, but I would also include things like muttering about how life isn’t fair, sighing dramatically or even slamming their bedroom door on occasion.
When my son was a adolescent, there were times when we’d tell him to do something and he’d walk up the stairs to his room mumbling, “Man, I hate this garbage.” We allowed that display of emotion because we weren’t threatened by it. My wife and I would simply look at each other and chuckle after he’d left and say, “Yeah, yeah, whatever—just go do your homework.” I personally think that kids need to be able to express their frustration about living within a family and following its rules. So I advise moms & dads to tolerate that type of behavior. After all, your adolescent needs to learn how to have feelings and opinions of his own, and he has to have a safe place in which he can express his frustration—and sometimes you’ll see him do this in very immature ways.
By the way, there were moms & dads with whom I’ve worked who didn’t have the tolerance to allow that kind of behavior. They felt that it was a threat to their authority, and they ended up challenging it at every turn. But I believe that if your adolescent is otherwise managing his life—getting good enough grades, being a good enough kid, not doing criminal or anti-social things, not doing high risk things—that type of behavior isn’t a threat to the moms & dads’ authority at all. Rather, I believe that when kids engage in mildly rebellious expressions of frustration, it’s a sign that you clearly have the authority. Think of it this way: it’s not a challenge to your authority, it’s an expression of frustration about your authority. That means the ball is in your court. There’s no reason to throw it to your youngster and give power to their annoying—but harmless—behavior.
Disrespectful Child Behavior Moms & dads Should NOT Ignore—
Make no mistake, when true disrespect is directed toward a specific mom or dad or sibling and it’s demeaning and rude, it has to be dealt with immediately. If your youngster doesn’t see where that line between disrespect and mild rebelliousness is, sit down with them when things are going well and say, “Listen, if you want to stomp up the stairs because you’re frustrated and you think things aren’t fair, that’s okay with me. But if you start calling people names and being rude to family members, you’re going to be held accountable for that behavior. So, don’t go too far.”
If you’ve noticed that your youngster has already crossed the line and is behaving in an increasingly disrespectful manner, you can say, “Look, there’s a line that I think you’re crossing when you talk to us. If you want to roll your eyes and say “Whatever,” that’s fine with me. I don’t want to fight with you about that. But name calling, blaming, and yelling are not acceptable. You are responsible not to do those things.” Always put these ideas together for your kids: responsibility, accountability, and consequences. What that looks like is, “You’re responsible to behave a certain way. I’m going to hold you accountable for that behavior, and there will be consequences if you don’t take responsibility for it.” Just complete that circle for your youngster so they can see the relationship between these three important ideas.
Here’s an example. Let’s say your teenage son has called his sister a rude or hurtful name, and you’ve sent him to his room. When things have calmed down, sit down with him and say, “You know, I’ve been hearing you say disrespectful things to your sister. And I just want to remind you that if you’re rude or hurtful to her, it’s as bad as being disrespectful to me. And the consequence for that kind of behavior is…” And let him know what is going to happen.
Let’s see how that conversation might go:
You: “You know the consequences for disrespectful behavior in this house. I’m taking your phone away until you’re not disrespectful for four hours. You’ve got a chance to get it back a half hour before bedtime, so don’t blow it.”
Your child: “Whatever. I’m going to bed anyway.”
You: “OK, that’s fine with me. We can start the clock when you wake up.”
Your child: “That’s not fair! I need my phone tomorrow.”
You: “That’s not my problem. My problem is how do I get you to stop talking to your sister that way? And your problem is, why are you using disrespect as a way to deal with your negative feelings? And believe me, calling your sister names doesn’t solve that problem in an effective way. That’s not acceptable in this home.”
Note that the mom or dad here took her son’s phone away for a relatively short period of time—four hours. I believe that’s better than taking it for a day or two because now, the mom or dad has the youngster working to get it back. The adolescent has to focus on the new behavior of being respectful—or at least not being rude and disrespectful—in order to earn back his cell phone. In doing this, you’re creating a pathway for better behavior, and you’re working toward a culture of accountability and respect in your home.
A Final Word: Respect Begins at Home—
Respect begins at home. If you want your kids to be respectful, you have to be respectful, too. Let’s make no bones about that. If you call your kids names, if you yell at others in a condescending way, if you make derogatory remarks to your spouse, don’t be surprised if your youngster behaves the same way. You’re modeling that behavior for him. Moms & dads who tell their kids, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say,” are just creating the kind of double standard that breeds negativity and resentment. Let’s face it, if you’re doing something yourself, it gets very complicated when you ask your youngster to stop. Believe me, kids know hypocrisy when they see it.
An ineffective mom or dad is a person who expects their kids to do things that they’re not willing to do themselves. You have to live your values. If you value respect, then you’ve got to behave respectfully.
Question: My 15-year-old daughter has become unbelievably rude and sassy with me lately. She's at her worst in front of her friends, such as when I'm driving them to the mall or when she has kids over for dinner or a video. It seems like she's trying to impress her friends with how tough she is, but it makes me furious. I know kids this age are moody, and I don't want to embarrass her by reprimanding her in front of her friends, but I'm feeling like a doormat. What is the best way to handle this?
Answer: It's true that 15-year-olds are moody and that they often disagree or test limits in their push toward independence. But we don't do our kids any favors by tolerating bad behavior. Quite the opposite; adolescents do best when moms & dads set and enforce clear and reasonable limits. Embarrassing or not, it's time to put a halt to your daughter's disrespectful behavior--for your sake and hers. I suggest you take the following steps:
In private, tell your daughter that her recent disrespectful behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it from now on, regardless of whether her friends are around. (You don't mention your daughter's father, but I hope he will stand with you on this.)
Tell your daughter in clear and certain terms how you expect her to talk to you--for example, in a calm voice without swearing or name-calling. (A "thank you" for the ride to the mall or dinner for her friends would be in order as well.)
Tell her exactly how you will respond if she crosses the line. For example, if she slips into disrespectful behavior when others are not around, you will simply turn away or go to another room; you will talk with her when she's ready to do so respectfully. If you are driving her someplace, you will turn around and go home. Or if her friends are over for dinner, you will call their moms & dads to pick them up, explaining why you've had to put an end to the social evening. Let your daughter know that if she finds these consequences embarrassing, it is her choice how to behave. She can avoid the embarrassment by treating you with respect.
Then, once your daughter knows what you expect, follow through promptly and consistently. Let your actions show that you say what you mean and mean what you say.
Finally, once you have turned your focus away from your daughter's negative behavior, pay attention to the positive. When you enjoy a fun outing or a quiet evening at home with your daughter, let her know you enjoyed the time together. And if she calmly and respectfully questions a rule you've set or a request you've made (as any adolescent is bound to do), listen to her point of view. Sometimes she will have a good point and you may decide to adjust your expectations accordingly. (For example, you might decide to extend her curfew by a half hour, or agree to let her go biking with a friend before she settles down to do her homework.) As adolescents move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a mom or dad, you have a responsibility to help your daughter practice these skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude.
Online Parent Support
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