Managing Disagreement During Divorce

Ending a marriage or a long-term relationship brings many adjustments, and former partners can find themselves in the middle of confusing and overwhelming disagreement. When kids are involved, finding ways to manage and keep disagreement at a minimum are essential. Whether their moms & dads are married, separating, divorcing, or divorced, kids react negatively to poorly managed disagreement.

Research has documented the impact of parental disagreement on kids. Kids experience extreme stress when one parent hurts the other physically and/or emotionally, when the disagreement is about them, or when there is verbal aggression. Kids are also stressed by unresolved fights and use of the silent treatment.

Although not the intention of most moms & dads, putting kids in the middle of disagreement is particularly detrimental. Examples of this are: asking kids to carry messages between parents, grilling kids about the other parent’s activities, telling kids the other parent does not love them, and putting the other parent down in front of the kids. Poorly managed disagreement between moms & dads increases kid’s risk of behavior problems, depression, substance abuse and dependence, poor social skills, and poor academic performance.

Moms & dads want the best for their kids. Yet, high disagreement can overshadow this desire and pull parents’ energy away from promoting their kid’s best interests. Fortunately, there are approaches by which divorce professionals can help moms & dads reduce disagreement. Options include mediation, collaborative divorce, co-parent counseling, and parenting coordination. Marriage and family therapists in your area may offer these services. The following can help you select the best professional for your family.

Mediation—

Mediation is a short-term, structured process focused on building agreements regarding co-parenting and/or financial issues. Former partners meet with an impartial person who helps them work through areas of disagreement until an agreement is reached. An agreement may be reviewed by attorneys if either or both partners wish. Some states require mediation if moms & dads cannot agree on matters related to custody or parenting time. Agreements are filed with the court and subsequently become court orders.

Different models of mediation exist. The most common is “facilitative mediation” in which an impartial third person helps a couple explore common interests, generate options, and make decisions toward a full agreement. The mediator does not control the content of the discussions, or make any decisions, but does facilitate the process, leaving the outcome completely up to the design of the former partners. This model operates on the assumptions of a rational problem-solving approach to divorce decisions.

The goal of “transformative mediation” is to assist each partner to feel empowered and to recognize and respect the other’s perspective. The primary focus is on transforming how each partner sees the other; the secondary focus is on building an agreement. In the “evaluative mediation” model, the mediator, using background knowledge of acceptable outcomes to a divorce dispute, may offer ideas and options to the couple. In the “therapeutic mediation” model, the mediator encourages former partners to discuss the underlying emotional issues that may be fueling disagreement and keeping them from negotiating an agreement. The “strategic mediation” model is a practical problem-solving approach that focuses on addressing hidden dimensions of disagreement in order to move towards negotiating an agreement.

Collaborative Divorce—

Collaborative divorce is an approach in which the divorcing couple and attorneys agree, by an explicit, written contract, to work toward a settlement without resorting to litigation, that is, without going to court. Each partner is represented by a specially-trained collaborative attorney who supports the client in negotiations. Attorneys clarify and present clients’ interests through cooperative problem-solving negotiation rather than through an adversarial approach. Clients commit to disclose all relevant information. If either or both clients decide to pursue litigation, both attorneys are automatically terminated and each client must hire new, litigation attorneys.

Key to collaborative divorce is the use of other professionals, including marriage and family therapists, who are referred to as “coaches,” or “communication coaches.” The overarching goal of coaching is to help each partner manage the rollercoaster of feelings elicited by divorce and develop strategies for expressing concerns and making decisions during the divorce negotiations. At the point that the divorce negotiations are completed, the role of coach is over.

Another role for mental health professionals, who specialize in working with kids, is the role of the “Child Specialist.” The therapist in this specially trained role works directly with the kids and gives them a voice through the divorce process, allowing them an opportunity to express their concerns and needs. The Child Specialist informs parents and attorneys of the unique perceptions and needs of each youngster that should be taken into account in creating a parenting plan. Again, when the divorce is completed, the Child Specialist’s role is over.

Other professionals, such as financial planners, certified public accountants, and appraisers may be consulted and even attend 4-way meetings (meetings of the separating couple and the two collaborative attorneys) in order to supply information needed for negotiations.

Co-parent Counseling—

When parents separate or divorce but continue to struggle with communication and making decisions with one another regarding their kids, a mental health professional who has experience working with families post-divorce can help moms & dads improve their communication skills and design strategies for preventing or reducing disagreements, such as helping moms & dads agree on after-school activities, criteria for when to take a youngster to the doctor, a change in the parenting plan, or involvement of a new stepparent. This process may help parents resolve some of their anger or grief related to the ending of the relationship so that both can focus more fully on parenting issues.

Parenting Coordination—

Parenting coordination assists former partners who cannot resolve disagreements and need intensive help with communicating about their kids. The goal is to help moms & dads follow their parenting plan, monitor compliance with the plan, help resolve disagreements about kids in a timely manner, and protect and maintain a safe, healthy, and meaningful parent-child relationship. A parenting coordinator often serves as a go-between to keep disagreement between moms & dads to a minimum until they can interact in a business-like manner.

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Grandparents Raising Grandkids

In the last 30 years, there has been a significant increase in the number of grandparent-headed families. Census data indicate that in the United States there are approximately 2.4 million grandparents raising 4.5 million kids. Custodial grand parenting occurs when a grandparent assumes responsibility for a grandkid because the grandkid’s parents cannot or choose not to care for the kid. Some common reasons for custodial grand parenting include parental substance abuse, abuse and neglect, incarceration, HIV/AIDS, mental or physical illness, teenage pregnancy, abandonment, divorce, and death. Although grandparent-headed families are extremely diverse, they are more likely to be African-American, female-headed, and living in poverty.

What Are The Challenges?

Kids—Because of their experiences with their parents, kids being raised in grandparent-headed families often display developmental, physical, behavioral, academic, and emotional problems. Some of these problems include depression, anxiety, ADHD, health problems, learning disabilities, poor school performance, and aggression. Grandkids may also experience feelings of anger, rejection, and guilt. The degree to which grandkids experience problems varies, although many grandkids experience multiple problems.

Relationships among family members can also create stress for grandkids. Visits from parents can be upsetting, and often leave grandkids feeling hurt and confused. Due to their age difference, grandkids may also feel disconnected from their grandparent caregivers. Finally, household rules and expectations can be a source of tension and conflict.

Grandparent Caregivers— Becoming the caregiver for a grandkid impacts all aspects of a person’s life. As a result, grandparents raising grandkids face a number of challenges.

• Because they often have limited financial resources, grandparents may experience difficulty providing adequate housing, food, and clothing.
• Grandparents may have limited energy and physical health problems that make parenting difficult. Additionally, grandparent caregivers might feel anxious or depressed.
• Grandparents often have legal difficulties related to obtaining guardianship, enrolling their grandkids in school, and accessing medical care for their grandkids. They may also have concerns related to custody battles with other grandparents or their grandkid’s parents.
• Grandparents raising grandkids often have less time for themselves. They may also have less time to spend with their partners and friends. This loss of time can be stressful and can cause feelings of anger, grief, and loss.
• It can be difficult for grandparent caregivers to manage their grandkid’s parents. Parents may make unannounced visits and unrealistic promises. Grandparents may also struggle with trying to protect their grandkids, while still allowing them to visit with their parents. Additionally, it may be disappointing for grandparents to see their kid fail as a parent. Finally, grandparents may feel anger at their grandkid’s parents, guilt about their parenting, or embarrassment about their family situation.
• Parenting may be challenging for custodial grandparents, especially when their grandkids have problems. To be effective parents, grandparents need current information about discipline, kid development, and childhood problems. Grandparents also need to transition from the role of traditional grandparent to that of parent.

How Can I Help My Family & Myself?

• Allow grandkids to share their feelings about their family situation.
• Become educated about custodial grand parenting and available resources.
• Do not talk negatively about grandkid’s parents in front of your grandkids.
• Establish a schedule for your family; having a routine is helpful for kids from unstable and chaotic homes.
• Have a social network; stay in contact with friends or a faith community.
• Join a support group; meeting other grandparent-headed families can provide support and a sense of community.
• Take advantage of respite services or work with other grandparent caregivers to take a break from care-giving.
• Take care of your physical and mental health. Get regular physicals, exercise, eat right, and get plenty of rest.

When Should I Get Help?

Because each family is different, it is difficult to say when a grandparent-headed family should seek help. However, grandparents should seek help if they feel unable to manage their stress, if their stress interferes with their ability to function, or if tension and conflict among family members becomes too difficult to manage. They should also seek help if their grandkid’s problems become overwhelming.

Some other signs that you or someone you know needs help managing stress include:

• Anger or irritability
• Constant worrying
• Difficulty concentrating
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling sad all the time
• Problems sleeping (too much or too little)
• Pulling away from people
• Worsening of health problems

What Types of Help Are Available?

Family Therapy—Custodial grand parenting impacts all members of a family. Family therapy can help individuals and families cope with their feelings about their family structure and improve the quality of their relationships. Family therapists are specially trained to understand the complicated feelings and relationships within grandparent-headed families. If you feel that your family could benefit from family therapy, find a therapist who has experience working with grandparent-headed families.

Support Groups— Many communities offer support groups for grandparent-headed families. Most of these support groups are for grandparents raising grandkids. However, support groups are also available for grandkids. Support groups provide participants with an opportunity to talk about their experiences and feelings in a safe, supportive environment. Participants can also gain information, learn from one another, and meet people dealing with similar issues. Good support groups allow time for personal sharing, but also take a positive outlook, structure sharing time, connect participants to sources of support, and help participants set and reach goals. To find a support group near you, visit the Web sites of the organizations listed under Resources.

Resources—

Online:

AARP Grandparent Information Center

www.aarp.org/families/grandparents/raising_grandchild

Provides a variety of resources for grandparents and other relatives raising children. Includes a searchable listing of support groups.

Generations United

www.gu.org

Offers a variety of information, including state fact sheets, for grandparents and other relatives raising children.

GrandsPlace

www.grandsplace.org

An online community for grandparents raising grandchildren. Provides resources, message boards, and a chatroom.

Children’s Defense Fund

www.childrensdefense.org

Information for grandparents and other relatives raising children.

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com

Information and resources to assist grandparent caregivers.

Grandparent Again

www.grandparentagain.com

Information and community for grandparents raising grandchildren.

KINship Information Network

www.kinsupport.org

Community and resources for relative caregivers.

Books for Adults—

· To Grandmother’s House We Go and Stay, by C. B. Cox, 2000. Springer.

· To Grandma’s House, We…Stay: When You Have to Stop Spoiling Your Grandchildren and Start Raising Them, by S. Houtman, 1999. Studio 4 Productions.

· Ticklebelly Hill: Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, by H. Osborne, 2002. First Books.

· Second Time Around: Help for Grandparents Who Raise Their Children’s Kids, by J. Callandar, 1999. BookPartners.

· Raising Our Children’s Children, by D. Douchette-Dudman, 1996. Fairview Press.

· Grandparents as Parents: A Survival Guide for Raising a Second Family, by S. de Toledo and D. E. Brown, 1995. Guilford.

Books for Children—

Robert Lives with His Grandparents, by M. W. Hickman, 1995. Albert Whitman & Company.

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When Teenagers Act Out Sexually

Curiosity surrounding sexuality is "normal" in the process of development. Beginning with exploration of the body, an infant or toddler will proceed on to questions such as "Where do baby's come from?" in elementary school and "What is happening to me?" as puberty begins. These curiosities serve as the foundation for further exploration as the body matures, sexual feelings arise and interest in sexuality is acquired. Fortunately for most, this aspect of development matures with desires, passions and behaviors organized by principles, values and social expectations into appropriate sexual behaviors. There are some, however, whose behavior exceeds the "norm" and extends sufficiently outside the realm of social mores as to draw the attention of state, clinical or legal entities. Offensive sexual behaviors range from sexual harassment (e.g., calling attention a person's body part.) to engaging in inappropriate and, at times, illegal sexual behaviors (e.g., exposing oneself to another). Teenagers may engage in sexual behaviors that, while socially and legally condoned (e.g., masturbation), may be considered immoral by family members. However, when sexual behaviors exceed social and legal boundaries, bringing these youth to the attention of the juvenile court, these youth are referred to as Juveniles who Offend Sexually (JwOS).

Can I Prevent Sexually Offensive Behavior?

A common question asked by concerned moms & dads is, "Can I prevent my teenager from engaging in sexually offensive behavior?" The answer to this is "yes," if moms & dads are willing to invest in their youngster before he or she ever begins to occupy him or herself in offensive sexual behaviors. First, develop a positive and open home environment where teenagers feel safe approaching moms & dads with concerns and questions. Second, while remaining calm, moms & dads should be open and honest, listening effectively before responding so they know what their youngster is asking. Third, family members need to understand and eventually adopt a set of principles that will guide their decision-making. Moms & dads who teach principles that they themselves adopt, such as honesty, trust, integrity, morality, chastity, fidelity and self-mastery through expectations, rules and behavior, help their teenager put on "armor" that will protect the youngster in a society that floods the airways (e.g., TV, DVD, video games, music) with sexually implicit and explicit information. Fourth, help adolescents organize these principles into a mission statement, which will serve as their personal day-to-day motto, much the same as the Boy Scout motto, "Be prepared." Fifth, teach teenagers how to use the principles to make effective decisions when faced with difficult choices. Give them possible situations they may encounter and help them use principles to decide how to deal effectively with the scenarios. Sixth, be an adolescent's primary source of sex education. Put aside fears about talking about sexuality aside, pick up a sexuality book and learn how to present the information to a youngster in an age-appropriate manner. Seventh, monitor in a positive and considerate manner the movies kids watch, video games they play, activities they are involved in with peers, jokes they tell that suggest insensitivity to sexuality or people, curfews and signs of substance use or abuse. Finally, encourage kids to be good family and community citizens.

When Should I Seek Help?

It is important to know what "normal" sexual behaviors are to determine if a sexual behavior is inappropriate and offensive. When in doubt, moms & dads are encouraged to seek out assistance to better understand if the behavior their teenager is involved in is inappropriate and how best to handle it. With the current attitude in society about sexual behavior, it is important that any sexual behavior be given immediate and appropriate attention with the purpose being to:

• understand the reason the teenager engaged in the behavior
• make a determination as to whether the behavior is morally or legally acceptable
• initiate the appropriate level of intervention (home based, clinical or legal)
• strengthen the teenager against repeating the behavior through ongoing personal interviews, monitoring activities and knowing where the teenager is, keeping an open dialogue and developing a safety plan
• share the information, when appropriate, with the moms & dads of other individuals involved so they can seek assistance for their youngster.

Moms & dads are encouraged to "take their heads out of the sand" and understand and accept the seriousness of sexual behaviors. Seriousness can range from kissing tag, "playing doctor" and self-stimulation, to acting out sexually in an inappropriate manner based on age or maturity (a 7-year-old simulating acting out sexual intercourse), to subtle acts of sexual behavior imposed on others without permission (exhibitionism), to active forms of aggression such as the use of manipulation ("If you do this I will give you something or take something away?"), to coercion ("If you don't do this I will hurt you or your dog!") or force (using a weapon). While the previous examples demonstrate the range of sexual behavior that might be considered offensive, the following guidelines are suggested for moms & dads to help them determine if their teenager's sexual behavior is out of the ordinary:

• Exploitive and Manipulative Behavior. When one person exploits or manipulates another to gain compliance to a sexual outcome, the behavior is regarded as offensive.
• Aggressive Components Included in Sexual Behavior. When the sexual behavior moves out of the realm of "showing" and begins to include aggression (insertion of objects into the vagina or rectum) or coercion, the behavior must be regarded as offensive.
• Age Difference. The greater the difference in age, the more likely the behavior will not be regarded as exploratory.

Where Do I Seek Assistance?

When sexual behavior is offensive, moms & dads may find themselves experiencing a wide range of emotions, such as anger with the youngster, confusion about what to do, fear about the potential outcomes in a legal system or denial that their youngster could have done such a thing. While these emotions may govern initial parental action, it is important that moms & dads seek out professional guidance to assess and make recommendations about what has occurred and what can be done.

Professionals involved in helping with juveniles who offend sexually can be located in a variety of ways. Moms & dads can contact a family therapist, their state's Department of Human Services, a social worker, a psychologist, a psychiatrist or members of the clergy. Many hospitals have staff that work specifically with youth and teenagers who act out sexually. Most counties have victim's advocates, and the local police or sheriff's department should also be able to offer assistance and guidance.

Negotiating the Legal System—

If a youngster is referred to the juvenile court for sexual behavior, it is important for moms & dads to understand their legal rights, as well as those of the teenager. They should find an attorney who has handled these types of cases in the past.

What is Therapy Like?

When an teenager is referred to the juvenile court for sexually offensive behavior, it is most likely that two clinical requirements will be imposed. The first, will be the completion of a psychosexual evaluation to help those examining the case a) determine the severity of the sexual behavior based on age, victim, location of behavior, etc., b) provide recommendations to the court and clinician who will provide therapy, and c) help determine the type of clinical setting in which the teenager will be placed.

The second requirement is to be involved in therapy. Regardless of the placement the teenager is assigned, there are three types of therapy. Individual therapy will be used to address personal issues relating to the sexually offensive behavior, such as denial, victim empathy or relapse prevention. It may also address other psychological issues, such as depression, anxiety and conduct disorder. Group therapy is designed for the teenager to meet with other youth who have also offended sexually. Group therapy includes education about sexuality and social skills and often includes the use of a workbook that becomes a basis for discussion. Family therapy is aimed at helping moms & dads and family members understand what has occurred and how to prevent other incidents by strengthening all family members. Since the teenager will most likely return home, it helps family members work out a safety plan, set realistic and age appropriate rules and expectations, and organize a democratic, principle-based decision-making system.

Conclusion—

It is important for moms & dads and families to understand and discuss sexual development and behavior as kids develop from early childhood through adolescence. Unfortunately, many moms & dads neglect to discuss sexual development and behavior with their kids, or if they do, it is a one-time event. Providing sexual information (which includes not only anatomy and physiology, but also addresses relationship skills and laws governing sexual behavior) is developmental and needs to be presented at different ages based on what the youngster, youth or teenager needs to understand in order to be aware of their sexual development, to master sexual impulses and to be appropriate in their sexual expression.


Resources—

• Covey, S. (19 ). 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
• Covey, S. (19 ). 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens.
• Dinkmeyer, D.& McKay, G.D., (1989). Parenting Teenagers. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service.
• Dinkmeyer, D.& McKay, G.D., (1989). The Parent's Handbook. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service.
• Dinkmeyer, D., McKay, G.D., & Dinkmeyer, J.S. (1989). Parenting Young Kids. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service. Johnson, S. One Minute Mothe
• Johnson, S. (1983). One Minute Father. New York, NY: William Morrow and Company, Inc
• Johnson, S. (1983). One Minute Mother. New York, NY: William Morrow and Company, Inc.
• Lively, V. And Lively, Ed. (1991). Sexual Development of Young Kids. Albany, N.Y.: Delmar Publishers, Inc.
• Meeks, L. Heit, P., & Burt, J. (1993). Education for Sexuality and HIV/AIDS. Blacklick, OH: MeeksHeit Publishing Company
• National Guidelines Task Force. (1996) The SIECUS Guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education, Kindergarten through 12th Grade. (2nd Edition). Washington, D.C.: Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States
• Openshaw, D. K. (1999). Youthful Sexual Offenders. In C. Smith (Ed.). Encyclopedia of Parenting Theory and Research. Westport, CN: Greenwood Press, pp. 391 – 393
• Openshaw, D. K. (2003). Childhood Sexuality. In T.P. Gullota & M. Bloom (Eds.). Encyclopedia of Primary Prevention and Health Promotion. New York, NY: Kluwer Academic/Plenum Publishers. Pp 975 - 980.

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Developing a House Rules Contract

Limits and house rules are necessary to create order and productivity, the lack of which create chaos and confusion. House rules provide the basis of understanding for what is expected, whether in the workplace, classroom, community or family. If a classroom had no rules, very little learning would occur. If a community operated without house rules, it would cease to be a safe place to live. Likewise, if harmony is to be maintained within the family, there must be a proper set of family house rules, understandings or expectations that are based on your family values.

If your adolescent is usually compliant and responsible, you will probably only need to have a few house rules. However, if you are dealing with a difficult or defiant adolescent, you are already familiar with the need for a more defined structure.

SETTING CORE HOUSE RULES—

When setting house rules, you want to identify some basic core house rules and then support the core house rules by establishing several small preventive house rules. For example:

If you have a core rule of "Don't use drugs," then you will want to set some preventive house rules such as WHO your adolescent may associate with, WHAT types of activities are allowed, WHERE your adolescent is allowed to go, and WHEN your adolescent may go as well as when he or she is expected to return. It would be foolish to think your adolescent could hang out at the wrong places or associate with drug-using friends and remain drug free.

When you create preventive house rules along with your main core house rules, it provides your adolescent with the greatest amount of protection. It also allows you to be involved so that you can be aware of problems early and resolve them before they become overwhelming.

VERIFYING YOUR ADOLESCENT'S PLANS—

One way to keep tabs on your adolescent is to take the time to verify all of your adolescent's plans. If your adolescent says she is going to spend the night at her friend's house, then get the phone number and call the friend's parents to make sure that the friend's parents know about these arrangements and have okayed this plan. It is amazing how many kids walk out the door and say, "Bye, I'm spending the night at Mary's; see you in the morning," and then head off to a drug or alcohol party or a rave because their moms & dads never bothered to double-check their arrangements.

In my experience, most moms & dads who receive these types of calls from another parent are actually very happy to see that you are concerned enough about your youngster's welfare to verify his or her arrangements. This also gets the moms & dads working together on their adolescents' behalf. Groups of parents who are united in maintaining the safety and welfare of their kids can be a powerful force for an adolescent to reckon with.

One thing I should point out is that if you have any suspicions about whether or not you are really talking to a parent when you make your phone call (I have had situations where my adolescent's friends got on the line and pretended to be a parent), then either visit the house and talk to the parent directly or veto your adolescent's plans and make him/her stay home. If your adolescent knows that you will check every plan she makes, she will be a lot less likely to make plans you don't approve of or to end up in a place she should not be.

MAINTAINING GOOD GRADES—

If you want your adolescent to maintain good grades, you may need to have some clear preventive house rules in areas such as: school attendance, completing daily homework, and obtaining weekly progress reports. The key is that rather than waiting until the end of the semester to see if your adolescent receives good grades, you set house rules and create a structure that will help your adolescent along the way and maximize their chances for success.

ESTABLISHING WRITTEN HOUSE RULES—

In order to clarify your house rules and make sure that there is no misunderstanding or excuses regarding house rules you set, consider writing up a House rules Contract with a teen which clearly states each rule the adolescent is to follow. Many times, having the adolescent do the rough draft of a home contract for himself can provide structure for your adolescent that he will agree with since he helped to set it up.

House rules in a home contract should be clearly written, not too overbearing, and should be discussed thoroughly so that there is no question as to the meaning of the rule. If the contract is too punitive and restrictive, your adolescent may be overwhelmed by this new contract rather than helped by it.

Sometimes, a teen will want to put responsibility on you in a home contract. For example, a younger adolescent might ask for a stipulation in the contract that states that if he does all his chores for the week without a lot of fuss, in exchange you will drive him to the movies or roller skating on Friday night. As long as you are okay with your adolescent going to the movies and roller skating and also approve of the friends he might see at these places, this is generally a fair arrangement for a teen and parent to enter into.

Conflict is inevitable with difficult or defiant adolescents. Consistently addressing and resolving conflicts over small issues, such as homework, dress, grooming and curfew, is your best preventive measure to avoid the large, devastating issues such as teen pregnancy, substance abuse and failing grades. "Take care of the small things, and the big things will take care of themselves," really applies when it comes to administering house rules.

What is a House rules Contract?

A House rules Contract is a written set of expectations that adults have of their adolescents (and preteens). The contract includes basic house rules, consequences and privileges.

What is the Purpose of a House rules Contract?

The primary purpose of a Home rules Contract is for adolescents to be held accountable for their behavior while allowing moms & dads to maintain a reasonable amount of control. A House rules Contract will teach adolescents that there are consequences to breaking house rules, the knowledge of which hopefully will transfer in the adolescent's mind to school house rules as well as the legal system.

A House rules Contract will not resolve the issues of feelings and emotions involved within the relationships between parents and adolescents. It can only act as a basic agreement that may allow you to work toward a resolution for problem behaviors, minimizing the disruption and interference that can many times occur during the process of getting bad behavior under control and restructuring a family's house rules.

Who is Included in a House rules Contract?

We recommend that ALL PARENT FIGURES with whom the adolescent has contact be involved in the creation and enforcement of the House rules Contract. This includes biological parents, step-parents, adoptive parents, custodial persons, noncustodial persons who are responsible for the adolescents for all or part of a day, and legal guardians. It is very important for divorced parents to put their differences aside and come together for the purposes of creating a unified front for the youngster, so that one parent does not end up sabotaging another's efforts to bring the youngster's bad behavior under control. Kids will manipulate and undermine moms & dads who are at odds with each other, but will conform much more readily to a unified front. Even if the divorced parents do not agree on other issues, it is tremendously important for them to agree on how to manage an out-of-control teen. In situations in which two divorced parents really don't get along, the House rules Contract can sometimes best be accomplished with the help of a third party, such as a qualified therapist. Again, moms & dads must put aside their differences for the sake of their wayward adolescent!!

Other adults who may be present in the home but are not actively involved in limit setting and the process of raising the adolescent should be excluded; for example, an aunt or uncle who is staying with the family. Adults will tend to have different expectations of a teen depending upon their own outlook, and many times, adults who are not ultimately responsible for the adolescent may not enforce the house rules and consequences which you are taking the time to carefully plan, in essence, undermining and making your contract ineffective.

ALL ADOLESCENTS AND PRETEENS in the family should be included in the House rules Contract. In order to be effective, all kids need to see the House rules Contract as fair. Therefore, it may not work to single out the youngster with the bad behaviors and exclude siblings, as the offending youngster will see it as unfair and will most likely refuse to follow it. If the compliant siblings protest their involvement as they are already following the house rules, remind them that this is a family effort and they are part of the family. They can be told that since they are already following the house rules, this home contract should be a piece of cake for them and that you value their input. By including all siblings, you are firmly establishing the fact that you are a FAMILY, and that getting the family to work as a functioning unit requires the input and cooperation of each family member. This also establishes that kids of all ages need to be held accountable for their behavior.

Who Should Write the House rules Contract?

A copy of the blank House rules Contract should be given to every person who will ultimately be signing the contract, including the adolescents and preteens, for them to fill out with house rules, consequences and rewards they feel are appropriate for the House rules Contract. Adolescents who feel that they are being heard by their moms & dads and are allowed to participate in this process are far more likely to be compliant than those who are handed a set of house rules and told "Do it or else." Moms & dads are often amazed at what house rules the adolescents think they should be following and at the severity of punishments they assign for themselves. Many moms & dads have had to actually decrease the punishments that the adolescent has stated he or she should have for not following certain house rules. Other parents have found that their kids will think of very important items that they, the parents, didn't even consider or overlooked. When kids contribute significantly to a good working contract, their contributions should be openly acknowledged and/or praised. It should be cautioned that moms & dads should go over their kidss' suggestions alone, before presenting them to the family, and they should eliminate those suggestions which are made with the sole intent of belittling other family members with whom siblings making the suggestions are not getting along.

Sometimes your adolescent will refuse to participate, and if that's the case, then you may let him know that this contract will be implemented with or without his cooperation, and if he makes the choice not to participate, you fully intend to follow the contract to the letter. If he ultimately doesn't like something that is put in the contract, then that will be his problem because he didn't participate in writing it. Again, the participation of each person in the family who will be involved, if at all possible, is vital to the success of your contract, but don't allow yourself to be undermined by a teen who is threatening noncooperation!

Your final contract should be the results of negotiation and compromise, taking everybody's ideas into consideration. If the whole idea of a House rules Contract threatens to break down when an agreement cannot be reached between two or more parties, particularly parents, the entire family should strongly consider visiting a social worker or family therapist, even if only for one visit, to get an objective third party to help break the log jam and create a Home Contract that everybody can live with. However, some items should not be negotiable, such as a teen demanding a curfew that is later than what the law in your area would allow for his or her particular age group.

What are Appropriate Consequences?

Moms & dads should provide progressive consequences for refusal to follow house rules and directions. Unfortunately, some parents, in an effort to "get tough" on their wayward adolescent, will go overboard and ground the youngster for weeks and weeks for a single incident. The rationale behind punishment should be primarily to offer an unpleasant learning experience so that the adolescent will learn to correct his own behavior and not repeat the offending action. For most adolescents, a punishment that consists of weeks of grounding on a first offense is too long and will cause further resentment rather than be a learning experience for the adolescent.

Steps to Creating a House rules Contract—

1. Identify a maximum of five (5) problem behaviors that you feel need to be improved. These behaviors could be priorities, and some should be related to the behaviors that are causing the most problems, i.e., legal problems, school problems, or medical problems (such as illness due to drug abuse or an overdose, or medication compliance issues if the adolescent is on psychiatric medications such as Ritalin).

2. Specifically identify what the expectation is for each behavior. Be clear and concise when identifying expectations so that there is no chance for a teen to tell you he or she didn't understand the expectation.

 Example: Adolescent will attend all therapy sessions, including weekly individual and weekly family therapy, and adolescent will take medication as prescribed).

3. Specifically state what the privileges and consequences will be when a teen is either following the house rules or chooses to break the house rules. These privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. In other words, when possible, set a consequence that is related to the misbehavior. Be sure you, the parent, are willing and able to enforce the consequences that you set or your contract will be worthless.

Example (for the expected behavior listed above):

 Consequence: Adolescent will not be given any privileges until he complies (car, phone, TV, radio, going out with friends, etc.) THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.

 Privilege: Adolescent will earn parents' trust and be better equipped to cope with stresses.

4. Set a date that the contract may be revised and/or negotiated. Renegotiation is based on the amount of progress. Inform adolescent that he/she may earn more or fewer privileges based on behavior in the interim. Encourage dialogue with your adolescent regarding privileges he or she may want to earn in the future.

5. VERY IMPORTANT - Consult with other parental figures to make sure that ALL ARE IN AGREEMENT AND WILLING TO ENFORCE THE CONTRACT AS WRITTEN. If parental figures do not agree on some of the items, it is imperative to make the necessary revisions to come to an agreement. Again, a qualified therapist may be able to help you get over the hurdles of differing opinions.

Examples of Items that Might be Included in a House rules Contract—

A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Moms & dads must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a House rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.

A list of possible priorities to include in a House rules Contract includes:

1. Alcohol/drug use
2. Attendance at therapy sessions
3. Chores
4. Computer use
5. Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other's throats)
6. Curfew
7. Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
8. Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
9. Running away
10. School behavior and grades
11. Smoking
12. Telephone use
13. Use of the car

NOTE: For the safety of everybody involved, police should be called for ALL violent episodes that occur on the part of the adolescent with the perceived intent of injuring a family member or destroying property that belongs to other family members. Violence that has no consequences will continue to escalate and could eventually result in a serious incident, so this type of behavior needs to be halted immediately by allowing the adolescent to experience serious consequences for the violent behavior (police, charges and possible court date). It sounds harsh to call the police on your own youngster, but it is better to have the adolescent learn from you that violence will never be tolerated, and that this behavior is absolutely forbidden, than for your adolescent to wind up in jail down the road because he never had any consequences for violence at home. An old saying states that if a parent does not properly discipline a youngster, eventually society will do the disciplining.

SAMPLE CONTRACT—

A. Adolescent will not use any alcohol or drugs.

 Consequence: Adolescent will be grounded for one week. Grounding consists of: staying home, no friends as guests, no phone calls, etc. etc.) Punishment will increase one week for each subsequent offense (i.e., if adolescent is caught using substances a second time, punishment will be for two weeks, etc.)

Note: It is VERY important to clearly state what being grounded consists of so that there are no avenues for manipulation by the adolescent to get out of the punishment).

 Privilege: Adolescent will be allowed to continue going out with friends and may have continued use of the car.

B. Adolescent is expected to return home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Adolescent will inform parents where he/she is going and will be home by 8:00 p.m. on school nights and 11:00 p.m. on nonschool nights.

 Consequence: Adolescent will be expected to come home twice as early as he was late for one week. (e.g., if 30 minutes late, then curfew will be one hour earlier for the next week).

 Privilege: Adolescent will maintain current curfew and gain trust (some moms & dads may want to allow their adolescent to work his/her way up to a later curfew by proving himself or herself, but parents should never set a curfew later than the legal curfew in their area).

C. Adolescent will perform all assigned chores in a satisfactory manner, according to the standards set by moms & dads. (It is helpful to provide a written list of daily chores so there is no misunderstanding - a dry-erase marker board hung in the kitchen or other family area works great for this purpose).

 Consequence: Adolescent will not be allowed any privileges until required chores are completed, including TV, radio, computer, having friends visit or going out with friends.

 Privilege: Adolescent will maintain access to all privileges of the house, including watching TV, using the computer, having friends visit, and going out with friends.

A House rules Contract that has been carefully thought out and agreed to by all parties can provide much structure to a teen who is having difficulty staying out of trouble.

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