Talking to Your Child about S E X

Talking to your kids about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of parenting. Moms and dads can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to talk to their kids about these issues. However, many moms and dads avoid or postpone the discussion. Each year about one million teenage girls become pregnant in the United States and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease. Kids and teenagers need input and guidance from moms and dads to help them make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior since they can be confused and over-stimulated by what they see and hear. Information about sex obtained by kids from the Internet can often be inaccurate and/or inappropriate.

Talking about sex may be uncomfortable for both moms and dads and kids. Moms and dads should respond to the needs and curiosity level of their individual child, offering no more or less information than their youngster is asking for and is able to understand. Getting advice from a clergyman, pediatrician, family physician, or other health professional may be helpful. Books that use illustrations or diagrams may aid communication and understanding.

Kids have different levels of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age and level of maturity. As kids grow older, they will often ask for more details about sex. Many kids have their own words for body parts. It is important to find out words they know and are comfortable with to make talking with them easier. A 5-year-old may be happy with the simple answer that babies come from a seed that grows in a special place inside the mother. Dad helps when his seed combines with mom's seed which causes the baby to start to grow. An 8-year-old may want to know how dad's seed gets to mom's seed. Moms and dads may want to talk about dad's seed (or sperm) coming from his penis and combining with mom's seed (or egg) in her uterus. Then the baby grows in the safety of mom's uterus for nine months until it is strong enough to be born. An 11-year-old may want to know even more and moms and dads can help by talking about how a man and woman fall in love and then may decide to have sex.

It is important to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings about sex are important issues to be discussed. Talking to your kids can help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping kids understand that these are decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that they make good choices.

Teenagers are able to talk about lovemaking and sex in terms of dating and relationships. They may need help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding their sexual identity, and sexual behavior in a relationship. Concerns regarding masturbation, menstruation, contraception, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are common. Some teenagers also struggle with conflicts around family, religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate information from moms and dads increases the chance that teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin.

In talking with your youngster or teenager, it is helpful to:

• Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
• Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
• Encourage your youngster to talk and ask questions.
• Help your youngster to consider the pros and cons of choices.
• Keep your sense of humor and don't be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
• Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
• Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one's partner.
• Try to determine your youngster's level of knowledge and understanding.
• Use words that are understandable and comfortable.

By developing open, honest and ongoing communication about responsibility, sex, and choice, moms and dads can help their youngsters learn about sex in a healthy and positive manner.

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Stepfamilies

A stepfamily forms when one or both adults in a new couple bring kids from a previous relationship. Although stepfamilies look like first-time families on the outside, they are very different on the inside. The first step toward making a successful stepfamily is understanding the differences between stepfamilies and first-time families. The previous marriage may have ended in divorce or in death. The original parent may be a never-married single parent or an adoptive parent. The new couple may be gay or straight.

How Stepfamilies Are Different—

Stepfamilies have "insiders" and "outsiders." In a first-time family, the adult couple is considered the "insider unit," but insider and outsider roles shift. Sometimes mom is closer to Danny. Next month, dad and Danny are closer.

In stepfamilies, insider and outsider positions start out painfully stuck. Agreements about every day issues lie within the parent-youngster unit, not between the adult couple. And single parent families usually have become a very tight unit. All of this makes stepparents outsiders in their new families. This outsider position often leaves stepparents feeling invisible, powerless, rejected and lonely. Biological (or adoptive) moms and dads begin as the stuck insiders. They are most connected to their own kids, to their new partner, and to their ex-spouse. Insider moms and dads often feel torn and anxious trying to balance everyone's needs.

Kids, too, occupy stuck insider and outsider positions. When Mike's 13-year-old son, Johnny, visits his dad's new family on weekends, Johnny enters as an outsider. David and Jenny, Mike's new stepkids, are stuck insiders. They must share their space with a new stepbrother they did not choose and may not even like.

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations—

New couples naturally wish for their new families to blend right away. Stepparents want their stepkids to love them. Straining to make the impossible happen, however, creates constant failure. Stepcouples need at least two years to begin to function as a unit. Some stepkids will need even more time and some will need less. Letting go of understandable, but unrealistic wishes frees you to meet the challenges.

Kid's Losses and Conflicting Loyalties—

For adults, new partners are thrilling. For kids, however, the entry of a new stepparent often creates loss and change. Mom spends the evening with her new boyfriend. Dad's new girlfriend bans a youngster's favorite sugar cereal. Stepparents also create conflicts of loyalty for kids. A youngster may think, If I care about my new stepmom, I am disloyal to my mom. Arguing moms and dads make this situation even worse for kids. For all these reasons, kids need time to adjust.

Spending regular time in pairs helps shift insider-outsider roles. Carve out couple time, without kids, to form a bond and to give stepparents time in the insider role with their new partner. Balance this with reliable parent-youngster alone time, including some vacation time. Re-establishing consistent parent-youngster time can improve the behavior of an acting-out or depressed youngster. Outsider stepparents maintain well-being and sanity by continuing activities with friends outside the new family. Develop stepparent-stepchild relationships by engaging in "shoulder-to-shoulder" activities, without the parent present.

A stepparent might say to his stepchild: "I will never take the place of your dad. His place in your heart is permanent. You have a big heart. Sometime, I hope there will be room in it for me. Even then, it will be a different place from your dad's place."

Further, expect civility-but not love. We can expect stepparents and stepkids to treat each other with respect and decency. We cannot, however, demand love of people who did not choose each other. A parent might say to her son: "You have a right to be upset with all these changes. I will really try to listen. But you do need to be respectful to Mike, like any other stranger."

Recognize that Stepparents are Not Parents—

Kids benefit when stepparents can help moms and dads become firmer. Biological moms and dads need to help stepparents become more kind. However, stepkids cannot initially accept any parenting from stepparents. The parent must remain in charge until kids are ready. Stepparents can give input, but the original parent retains final say. Stepparents may consider expressing caring and encouragement: "How was that test?" And reporting concerns to the parent: "I think Johnny didn't do his homework." When moms and dads are absent, stepparents aim for "adult babysitter," not parent. "While I am out tonight, Mike is in charge." Stepparents then enforce the rules of the house.

The "Other" Household—

Decrease conflict with the "other" household. Parental conflict seriously compromises kid's adjustment. Keep drop-offs and pickups peaceful. Handle differences between households calmly and neutrally: "You drink Coke at mom's house. We drink milk here." Address problems with your ex out of kid's earshot. In conflicted divorces, stick to a detailed, iron clad visitation schedule.

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Children and "Cliques"

Given how prevalent cliques are throughout middle and high school, at some point your youngster is likely to face the prospect of being in one or being excluded from them. There's little you can do to shield children from cliques, but plenty you can do to help them maintain confidence and self-respect while negotiating cliques and understanding what true friendship is all about.

What's a Clique?

Friendship is an important part of a child’s development. Having friends helps them be independent beyond the family and prepares them for the mutual, trusting relationships we hope they'll establish as adults.

Groups of friends are different from cliques in some important ways. Friendships grow out of shared interests, sports, activities, classes, neighborhoods, or even family connections. In groups of friends, members are free to socialize and hang out with others outside the group without worrying about being cast out. They may not do everything together — and that's OK.

Cliques sometimes form around common interests, but the social dynamics are very different. Cliques are usually tightly controlled by leaders who decide who is "in" and who is "out." The children in the clique do most things together. Someone who has a friend outside the clique may face rejection or ridicule.

Members of the clique usually follow the leader's rules, whether it's wearing particular clothes or doing certain activities. Cliques usually involve lots of rules — implied and clearly stated — and intense pressure to follow them. Children in cliques often worry about whether they'll continue to be popular or whether they'll be dropped for doing or saying the wrong thing or for not dressing in a certain way. This can create a lot of pressure, particularly for girls, who might be driven to extreme dieting and eating disorders or even to ask for plastic surgery. Others may be pressured to take risks like steal, pull pranks, or bully other children in order to stay in the clique.

When Cliques Cause Problems—

For most children, the pre-teenage and teenage years are a time to figure out how they want to fit in and how they want to stand out. It's natural for children to occasionally feel insecure; long to be accepted; and hang out with the children who seem more attractive, cool, or popular.

But cliques can cause long-lasting trouble when:

• a youngster is rejected by a group and feels ostracized and alone
• a group becomes an antisocial clique or a gang that has unhealthy rules, such as weight loss or bullying others based on looks, disabilities, race, or ethnicity
• children behave in a way they feel conflicted about or know is wrong in order to please a leader and stay in the group

How Moms and Dads Can Help—

As children navigate friendships and cliques, there's plenty moms and dads can do to offer support. If your youngster seems upset, or suddenly spends time alone when usually very social, ask about it.

Here are some tips:

• Find stories they can relate to. Many books, TV shows, and movies portray outsiders triumphing in the face of rejection and send strong messages about the importance of being true to your own nature and the value of being a good friend, even in the face of difficult social situations. For school-age children, books like "Blubber" by Judy Blume illustrate how quickly cliques can change. Older children and teenagers might relate to movies such as "Mean Girls," "Angus," "The Breakfast Club," and "Clueless" or the new TV show "Aliens in America."

• Foster out-of-school friendships. Get children involved in extracurricular activities (if they aren't already) — art class, martial arts, horse riding, language study — any activity that gives them an opportunity to create another social group and learn new skills.

• Help put rejection in perspective. Remind your youngster of times he or she has been angry with moms and dads, friends, or siblings — and how quickly things can change.

• Shed some light on social dynamics. Acknowledge that people are often judged by the way a person looks, acts, or dresses, but that often people act mean and put others down because they lack self-confidence and try to cover it up by maintaining control.

• Talk about your own experiences. Share your own experiences of school — cliques have been around for a long time!

If your youngster is part of a clique and is one of the children bullying or rejecting others, it's important to address that right away. With popular TV shows from talent contests to reality series glorifying rude behavior, it's an uphill battle for families to promote kindness, respect, and compassion. Discuss the role of power and control in friendships and try to get to the heart of why your youngster feels compelled to be in that position. Discuss who is in and who is out, and what happens when children are out (are they ignored, shunned, bullied?). Challenge children to think and talk about whether they're proud of the way they act in school.

Ask teachers, guidance counselors, or other school officials for their perspective on the social dynamics in and out of class. They might be able to tell you about any programs the school has to address cliques and help children with differences get along.

Encouraging Healthy Friendships—

Here are some ways to encourage children to have healthy friendships and not get too caught up in cliques:

• Take responsibility for your own actions. Encourage sensitivity to others and not just going along with a group. Remind children that a true friend respects their opinions, interests, and choices, no matter how different they are. Acknowledge that it can be difficult to stand out, but that ultimately children are responsible for what they say and do.

• Stick to your likes. If your youngster has always loved to play the piano but suddenly wants to drop it because it's deemed "uncool," discuss ways to help resolve this.

• Speak out and stand up. If they're feeling worried or pressured by what's happening in the cliques, encourage your children to stand up for themselves or others who are being cast out or bullied. Encourage them not to participate in anything that feels wrong, whether it's a practical joke or talking about people behind their backs.

• Keep social circles open and diverse. Encourage children to be friends with people they like and enjoy from different settings, backgrounds, ages, and interests.

• Find the right fit — don't just fit in. Encourage children to think about what they value and are interested in, and how those things fit in with the group. Ask questions like: What is the main reason you want to be part of the group? What compromises will you have to make? Is it worth it? What would you do if the group leader insisted you act mean to other children or do something you don't want to do?

Remember to provide the big-picture perspective too. As hard as cliques might be to deal with now, things can change quickly. What's more important is making true friends — people they can confide in, laugh with, and trust. And the real secret to being "popular" — in the truest sense of the word — is for them to be the kind of friend they'd like to have: respectful, fair, supportive, caring, trustworthy, and kind.

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Sibling Rivalry

While many children are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it's very common for brothers and sisters to fight. (It's also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!)

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second youngster is born, and continues as the children grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As children reach different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch — and hear — your children fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and help your children get along.

Why Do My Children Fight?

Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also might influence how often children fight and how severe the fighting gets. These include:

• Special needs/sick children. Sometimes, a youngster's special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Other children may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's happening to the other youngster.

• Role models. The way that moms and dads resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for children. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your youngsters will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your children see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

• Individual temperaments. Your children's individual temperaments — including mood, disposition, and adaptability — and their unique personalities play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one youngster is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. Similarly, a youngster who is especially clingy and drawn to moms and dads for comfort and love might be resented by siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.

• Evolving needs. It's natural for children' changing needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which they'll do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older youngster may react aggressively. School-age children often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so they might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one youngster gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the way children fight with one another.

What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?

While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict. So what should you do when the fighting starts?

Whenever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one youngster that another is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued children may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.

If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" children through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the children.

Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your children, not for them.

When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:

• Don't put too much focus on figuring out which youngster is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.

• Separate children until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down.

• Try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each youngster gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.

Remember, as children cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.

Helping Children Get Along—

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:

• Be proactive in giving your children one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another youngster likes to sit and read, make time for that too.

• Don't let children make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" — sometimes one kid needs more than the other.

• Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your children to spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many children fight over, fun family activities can help reduce conflict.

• If fights between your school-age youngsters are frequent, hold weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the children earn points toward a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

• If your youngsters frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which youngster "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)

• Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and that their needs will be met.

• Make sure children have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.

• Recognize when children just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one youngster is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.

• Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the children that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming. Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches children that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."

• Show and tell your children that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.

Keep in mind that sometimes children fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.

Getting Professional Help—

In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or particularly affects children emotionally or psychologically. In those cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional. Seek help for sibling conflict if it:

• creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member
• is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being of any family member
• is so severe that it's leading to marital problems
• may be related to another psychiatric disorder, such as depression

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Oppositional Defiant Disorder

What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

It is common for kids and teenagers to display bouts of irritability, frustration, and disobedience over the course of their growth and development. For example, the 4 year old who throws a tantrum because she has to stop playing; the 8 year old who picks on his younger sister; the 13 year old who argues with her mother about going to a movie. Still, there are many families who struggle with child behavior that goes beyond stubbornness or occasional talking back. Some kids and teenagers have such an inflexible and hostile nature and their behavior can be so uncooperative and defiant that they disrupt the functioning of whole households and classrooms, not to mention their own learning and well-being in relationships. One out of every ten kids or teenagers displays this type of disposition and behavior with such regularity that they are thought to have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

According to the American Psychiatric Association, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is characterized by a chronic pattern of negativity, hostility, and non-compliant child behavior that is most often directed toward authority figures and has existed for at least 6 months. This behavior is severe enough that it interferes with everyday functioning at home and, in some cases, at school and other activities, and it stands out as more severe compared with kids of the same age and developmental level. Signs and symptoms of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER:

• Act angry or resentful toward others
• Act spiteful or seek revenge on others
• Actively defy or refuse to comply with adults’ requests or rules
• Argue with adults
• Be touchy or easily annoyed by others
• Blame others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• Deliberately try to annoy or upset other people
• Lose his or her temper and throw tantrums

The exact cause of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is not known. Research suggests that it evolves out of a complex interaction of many different factors related to the basic biological, psychological, and social nature of the youngster and his or her relationships with the family and other environments, such as school. Also, it is not uncommon for kids with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD), depression, or anxiety to display symptoms of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER.

Effect on Families & Relationships—

Parenting a youngster with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER can be a tremendous challenge not only because he or she may seem so willing to defy adult authority, but also because intervention strategies that work with most kids, such as time-outs, removal of privileges, and grounding, often do not work with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER. Studies actually indicate that these kids may not respond well to punishments. Other studies have found that kids and teenagers with severe cases of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER and/or aggression may feel threatened by situations where there are unclear messages, rules, or expectations, which can trigger hostile reactions. In addition, they often have poor frustration tolerance, which only makes it more difficult for them to get through situations where they feel uncomfortable, threatened, or where they may see little pay-off for their efforts. The result of these factors are kids and teenagers who seem to be easily annoyed or angered, yet are difficult to soothe and calm.

This pattern of behavior can leave many families feeling powerless, as if they have to “walk on eggshells” out of fear that one wrong move can cause a serious tantrum. It can also leave the youngster or teenager feeling isolated, anxious, and unsure of herself as others anticipate her irritability and explosive behavior even before it occurs. They likely will be aware of any feelings of disappointment and resentment that other family members feel toward them due to their oppositional and defiant behavior. Unfortunately, it is not enough to help change the behavior.

Parenting Tip: Be Decisive

It is easy for moms and dads who feel like they have to walk on eggshells to become wishy-washy; they are often unsure of when, where, and how, to give directions or enforce rules with their kids and teenagers. However, wishy-washiness can actually be a trigger for OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER behavior. It is important to be decisive!

Most parents with kids and teenagers with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER have learned the hard way that it is much better to say “no” than to say “we’ll see” if “no” is the answer they really mean. The youngster may throw a tantrum with either response; however, telling the youngster “we’ll see” only heightens the intensity of her reaction because it gives her hope that she can still get what she wants. She is then likely to badger the parents until she gets her way or is finally told “no,” with the meltdown that follows being even more intense. So, go ahead and say “no” and stick to it; your youngster will learn over time that you mean what you say and that goes a long way to curbing anxiety and increasing compliant behavior. This also applies to setting plans for any activity, such as going to school, taking a trip, or running errands. Be clear about what is going to happen and alert and prepare the youngster before any changes to the plan take effect.

When to Seek Help—

It may never be too soon to seek help for your youngster or teenager if they are displaying the type of behavior associated with OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER, as it can be difficult to know whether it is a part of typical development or a problem that needs treatment. The more frequent and severe your youngster displays the symptoms listed above, the more likely there is to be intense family conflict and the more likely he or she is to have problems with peers, have difficulty maintaining friendships, and suffer academic problems.

Intervention—

The key to successful interventions for OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is parent involvement. It is critical that moms and dads be firm and consistent not only with their discipline strategies, but also with the love and acceptance in their responses to the youngster. The most effective interventions are considered to be those that emphasize Parent Training, which provide a framework for understanding the nature of OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER in kids and teenagers and help reinforce specific parenting skills, as well as teach creative strategies for managing OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER behavior.

Moms and dads who are not able to respond to OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER behavior in a manner that can calm and soothe the youngster only add fuel to the fire. It is a lot to ask of a parent who is constantly under attack from oppositional behavior to react calmly, and it probably seems impossible if you are feeling demoralized and exasperated. This is why it is often a good idea to seek the help of a mental health professional who can not only help you learn strategies to confront this kind of extreme behavior, but also learn ways of coping with the stress of parenting in the face of such difficult circumstances.

My Out-of-Control Child