Surviving the Teen Years

When you consider that the adolescent years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.

Despite some adults' negative perceptions about adolescents, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and youngster, the teen years are also a time to help children grow into the distinct individuals they will become.

Understanding the Teen Years—

So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your child is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.

But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most visible signs of impending adulthood, but children who are showing physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) can also be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.

Many children announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their moms and dads. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, children this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in.

Children often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become acutely aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with moms and dads.

Butting Heads—

One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild adolescent continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the case for some children and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most adolescents.

But the primary goal of the adolescent years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, adolescents will start pulling away from their moms and dads — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as adolescents always seeming to have different opinions than their moms and dads or not wanting to be around their moms and dads in the same way they used to.

As adolescents mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And moms and dads of adolescents may find that children who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.

You may need to look closely at how much room you give your adolescent to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Tips for Parenting during the Teen Years—

Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:

Educate Yourself-

Read books about adolescents. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Moms and dads who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.

Talk to Your Youngster Early Enough-

Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions children have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions.

You know your children. You can hear when your youngster's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

• Are you having any strange feelings?
• Are you noticing any changes in your body?
• Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/youngster discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your youngster will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.

Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your youngster books on puberty written for children going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a youngster more at ease.

Put Yourself in Your Youngster's Place-

Practice empathy by helping your youngster understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a child the next.

Pick Your Battles-

If adolescents want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Adolescents want to shock their moms and dads and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.

Maintain Your Expectations-

Adolescents will likely act unhappy with expectations their moms and dads place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their moms and dads care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If moms and dads have appropriate expectations, adolescents will likely try to meet them.

Inform Your Adolescent — and Stay Informed Yourself-

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with children before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes.

Know your youngster's friends — and know their friends' moms and dads. Regular communication between moms and dads can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all adolescents in a peer group. Moms and dads can help each other keep track of the children' activities without making the children feel that they're being watched.

Know the Warning Signs-

A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:

• extreme weight gain or loss
• falling grades
• rapid, drastic changes in personality
• run-ins with the law
• signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
• skipping school continually
• sleep problems
• sudden change in friends
• talk or even jokes about suicide

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your adolescent's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing child shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

Respect Children' Privacy-

Some moms and dads, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their children do is their business. But to help your adolescent become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your youngster's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.

In other words, your adolescent's room and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your adolescent to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where adolescents are going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!

Monitor What Children See and Read-

TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — children have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.

Make Appropriate Rules-

Bedtime for an adolescent should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Reward your adolescent for being trustworthy. Does your youngster keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a adolescent always have to go along on family outings? Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing youngster doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Will This Ever Be Over?

As children progress through the adolescent years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults. So remember the motto of many moms and dads with adolescents: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!

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