Moms and dads should begin by talking to each other about how they want to handle discipline and establish the rules. It is important to view discipline as teaching not punishment. Learning to follow rules keeps a youngster safe and helps him or her learn the difference between right and wrong.
Once rules have been established, moms and dads should explain to the youngster that broken rules carry consequences. For example, “Here are the rules. When you follow the rules, this will happen and if you break a rule, this is what will happen.” Moms and dads and the youngster should decide together what the rewards and consequences will be. Moms and dads should always acknowledge and offer positive reinforcement and support when their youngster follows the rules. Moms and dads must also follow through with an appropriate consequence when the youngster breaks a rule. Consistency and predictability are the cornerstones of discipline and praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning.
Kids learn from experience. Having logical consequences for misbehavior helps them learn that they are accountable for their actions, without damaging their self-esteem. For example, if kids are fighting over the television, computer or a video game, turn it off. If a youngster spills milk at the dinner table while fooling around, have the youngster clean it up. Some behaviors have natural consequences. For example, a teenager who stays up too late may suffer the natural consequences of being tired the next day. Another type of consequence that can be effective is the suspension or delay of a privilege. For example, if a youngster breaks the rule about where they can go on their bike, take away the bike for a few days. When a youngster does not do chores, he or she cannot do something special like spend the night with a friend or rent a movie.
There are different styles and approaches to parenting. Research shows that effective moms and dads raise well-adjusted kids who are more self-reliant, self-controlled, and positively curious than kids raised by moms and dads who are punitive, overly strict (authoritarian), or permissive. Effective moms and dads operate on the belief that both the youngster and the parent have certain rights and that the needs of both are important. Effective moms and dads don't need to use physical force to discipline the youngster, but are more likely to set clear rules and explain why these rules are important. Effective moms and dads reason with their kids and consider the youngsters' points of views even though they may not agree with them.
• Allow for negotiation and flexibility, which can help build your youngster's social skills.
• Be clear about what you mean. Be firm and specific.
• Consequences should be fair and appropriate to the situation and the youngster's age.
• Let your youngster experience the consequences of his behavior.
• Make sure what you ask for is reasonable.
• Model positive behavior. "Do as I say, not as I do" seldom works.
• Speak to your youngster as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you. Don't resort to name-calling, yelling, or disrespect.
• Trust your youngster to do the right thing within the limits of your youngster's age and stage of development.
• Whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives.
Parenting classes and coaching can be helpful in learning to be an effective parent. If moms and dads have serious concerns about continuing problems with their youngster's behavior, consultation with a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional may be helpful.
• After an older youngster completes his time out, then he is to agree to do what you had told him to do or if he had been misbehaving, and agrees to not to it again, otherwise he is to go into time out again. Again this doesn't usually apply to toddlers or younger preschool age kids.
• After disciplining your youngster, briefly explain the rule and what your expectations are when he misbehaves and explain what the proper behavior would have been.
• And always remember that it is better to support and encourage good behavior instead of trying to eliminate bad behaviors.
• Avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment and will make your youngster more aggressive and angry.
• Avoid repeating commands. You should give a command and if not followed, then you can repeat it once with a warning of what the consequences for noncompliance will be. If not followed, then apply the consequences. Do not continue to repeat the command.
• Avoid too much criticism. Make sure your youngster understands that it is the misbehavior that you are unhappy with and that you will always love him.
• Avoid too much praise. You don't need to be continuously praising your youngster, especially for routine activities, because it will make your comments less effective.
• Be a good role model.
• Be consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your youngster. This applies to all caregivers. Your youngster should learn to understand that there are predictable consequences for his actions.
• Be flexible, especially with older kids and adolescents. Listen and get your youngster's input on some rules and punishment.
• Do not offer choices in situations where you youngster has to cooperate with your rules. For example, instead of saying ‘do you want to take a bath?' you should instead say ‘it is time for your bath.'
• Don't argue with your youngster about the punishment. Ignore any protests. You can talk about it later.
• Don't focus on negatives all of the time, especially when offering positive reinforcement. It is much better to say ‘I like that you put all of your clothes away,' instead of saying ‘I like that, for once, you finally got around to putting your clothes away without my asking.'
• Don't give in to your youngster when he is whining, crying or having a temper tantrum. If you do, it will only teach him that this kind of behavior is an appropriate way to get what he wants.
• If your youngster leaves the time out chair, put him back in the chair and warn him "If you get out of the chair again, I am going to discipline you (by removing some desired activity/possession, etc.)". If he gets up again, just put him back in the chair without warning him again and apply the discipline technique. If he continues to get out of the chair, you can consider sending him to his room, or another room in your home, for the time out period (remove all toys, TV, video games, etc…).
• Learn to ignore minor, harmless or unimportant misbehaviors, such as fidgeting.
• Make punishments and rewards immediate. Avoid waiting more than a few minutes to provide the consequences of a behavior.
• Most importantly, provide your youngster with a safe environment in which he feels secure and loved.
• Now calmly take him to his time out chair, ignoring any protests or promises he may make, and say "You stay in your time out chair until I tell you to get up." He must now stay in time out until he has been quiet for the punishment time you have set for him (usually one minute per year of age). Remember that, for older kids who are being defiant, time out does not begin until your youngster has been quiet, even if takes several minutes or an hour. That doesn't apply to younger toddlers and preschool age kids though.
• Physically move your youngster when he is misbehaving, especially if he didn't respond to your firm ‘no.'
• Plan ahead. If you always have difficulty in certain situations, such as shopping or having visitors, go over a plan of action beforehand, which includes what your expectations are and what the consequences of misbehavior will be?
• Provide a safe environment that encourages exploration, but protects your youngster. For example, you can prevent your toddler from getting in trouble for opening drawers and cabinets if you have safety locks preventing them from opening.
• Remember that this is just one method of using time out and you will likely have to modify it to fit your own parenting style and your youngster's temperament. If it isn't working for you, especially if you have to use time out several times a day, or your youngster doesn't quickly go to time out, then you should likely look for a different discipline technique or a different way of using this one.
• Remember to give rewards and praise for good behavior.
• Set limits that are appropriate for your youngster's age and developmental level. Remember that you are in charge and that you will have to say ‘no' to your youngster sometimes. You should expect your youngster to cry when he does not get his way. This is a normal way of dealing with frustration in younger kids and should be ignored. You should also ignore temper tantrums.
• Set up a daily routine for your younger kids and try and stick to it each day. This should include mealtimes, snacks, bath and bedtime.
• Stay calm and do not get carried away when your youngster misbehaves. Avoid yelling and screaming, since this can teach your youngster that it is all right to lose control if you don't get your way. If you feel like things are escalating too much, then take a break until you can regain your composure.
• Stop inappropriate behaviors with a firm ‘no' while looking your youngster in the eyes.
• Think ahead. Be prepared for what you are going to do and say to help your youngster understand the consequences of his actions. Don't just wing it, or do or say the first thing that pops into your head. You are more likely to react negatively if you haven't thought out your plan for discipline beforehand.
• Time out is a very effective discipline technique and will work with kids as young as 18-24 months old. By using this method of discipline you are giving your youngster time out from positive reinforcement (which includes any parental reaction such as yelling or hitting) after he misbehaves. Prepare a time out chair, which can be a chair in any room of the house, a space on the floor, the youngster's bed, etc… or any place where he is isolated from interaction with others. Use a kitchen timer to count down your youngster's punishment time, which is usually one minute per year of age. Time out can also be used outside of the home, such as in stores, restaurants, etc. If your youngster often misbehaves in a certain setting, such as the grocery store, you should stop before entering the store and go over the rules that you expect your youngster to follow. Also, give a warning about what will happen if he misbehaves inside the store. If he does break one of the rules inside the store, you should now place him in time out.
• Understand the difference between rewards and bribes. A reward is something your youngster receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your youngster to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided.
• Unlike the way it is used for older kids, time out for toddlers is more so that you can give your youngster time to regroup and calm down. A toddler will likely not sit still in a time out chair, even for a minute or two, and you shouldn't try to force him to or wait for time out to start until he has been quite.
• Use ‘I' messages, instead of ‘you' messages. For example, say ‘I am upset that you didn't clean up your room,' instead of ‘You made me upset for not cleaning up.' ‘You' statements can seem more accusatory and can lead to arguing.
• Use distraction to get your youngster's attention away from inappropriate behaviors.
• Use extinction to remove attention from undesirable actions. As long as your youngster can't hurt himself, you can walk away and not give him attention or an audience for acting inappropriately, especially if he is having a temper tantrum. Giving too much attention to your youngster when he misbehaves can reinforce bad behaviors.
• Use logical consequences (rewards), for example, if he doesn't put away his bike, then you will do it, but he won't be able to ride it for the rest of the day. For older kids, not filling the car with gas can have the consequence of not getting to use the car this week, etc.
• Use natural consequences (rewards) to let your youngster learn the results or consequences of his actions. For example, if he throws a toy out the window, then he can't play with it anymore.
• When you want your youngster to follow a command, ask him in a firm, but pleasant voice. Allow your youngster about five seconds to do what you have asked, and if he does not, then make direct eye contact with him and say "If you do not do what I asked, then you are going to sit in time-out" (and point to his time out chair). After this warning, if he still does not do what you have asked, then say something like "You have not done what I asked, so you have to go to your time out chair." Give these commands in a louder and firmer voice to get your youngster's attention, but do not yell or get angry.
• Withholding privileges is a very effective discipline technique, especially for older kids. Find things that he likes or especially enjoys (playing video games, renting movies, going to the mall, talking on the phone), and then take it away as a consequence for misbehaving.
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