Surviving the Teen Years

When you consider that the adolescent years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.

Despite some adults' negative perceptions about adolescents, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and youngster, the teen years are also a time to help children grow into the distinct individuals they will become.

Understanding the Teen Years—

So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your child is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.

But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most visible signs of impending adulthood, but children who are showing physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) can also be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.

Many children announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their moms and dads. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, children this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in.

Children often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become acutely aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with moms and dads.

Butting Heads—

One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild adolescent continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the case for some children and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most adolescents.

But the primary goal of the adolescent years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, adolescents will start pulling away from their moms and dads — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as adolescents always seeming to have different opinions than their moms and dads or not wanting to be around their moms and dads in the same way they used to.

As adolescents mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And moms and dads of adolescents may find that children who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.

You may need to look closely at how much room you give your adolescent to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Tips for Parenting during the Teen Years—

Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:

Educate Yourself-

Read books about adolescents. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Moms and dads who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.

Talk to Your Youngster Early Enough-

Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions children have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions.

You know your children. You can hear when your youngster's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

• Are you having any strange feelings?
• Are you noticing any changes in your body?
• Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/youngster discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your youngster will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.

Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your youngster books on puberty written for children going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a youngster more at ease.

Put Yourself in Your Youngster's Place-

Practice empathy by helping your youngster understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a child the next.

Pick Your Battles-

If adolescents want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Adolescents want to shock their moms and dads and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.

Maintain Your Expectations-

Adolescents will likely act unhappy with expectations their moms and dads place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their moms and dads care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If moms and dads have appropriate expectations, adolescents will likely try to meet them.

Inform Your Adolescent — and Stay Informed Yourself-

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with children before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes.

Know your youngster's friends — and know their friends' moms and dads. Regular communication between moms and dads can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all adolescents in a peer group. Moms and dads can help each other keep track of the children' activities without making the children feel that they're being watched.

Know the Warning Signs-

A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:

• extreme weight gain or loss
• falling grades
• rapid, drastic changes in personality
• run-ins with the law
• signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
• skipping school continually
• sleep problems
• sudden change in friends
• talk or even jokes about suicide

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your adolescent's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing child shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

Respect Children' Privacy-

Some moms and dads, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their children do is their business. But to help your adolescent become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your youngster's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.

In other words, your adolescent's room and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your adolescent to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where adolescents are going, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!

Monitor What Children See and Read-

TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — children have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.

Make Appropriate Rules-

Bedtime for an adolescent should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Reward your adolescent for being trustworthy. Does your youngster keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a adolescent always have to go along on family outings? Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing youngster doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Will This Ever Be Over?

As children progress through the adolescent years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults. So remember the motto of many moms and dads with adolescents: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!

Online Parent Support

Aspergers: Effects on Families and Relationships

Aspergers is a neurologically-based developmental disorder. The exact cause is unknown, but experts believe it is a complex condition involving multiple genetic and environmental components--no one gene or single environmental factor causes ASPERGERS. Aspergers is similar in many ways to autism. These two disorders are grouped together in a category called Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD). The disorders are also referred to as Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDD).

Aspergers is the term for a specific type of pervasive developmental disorder which is characterized by problems in development of social skills and behavior. In the past, many kids with Aspergers were diagnosed as having autism, another of the pervasive developmental disorders, or other disorders. While autism and Aspergers have certain similarities, there are also important differences. For this reason, kids suspected of having these conditions require careful evaluation.

In general, a child with Aspergers functions at a higher level than the typical child with autism. For example, many kids with Aspergers have normal intelligence. While most kids with autism fail to develop language or have language delays, kids with Aspergers are usually using words by the age of two, although their speech patterns may be somewhat odd.

Most kids with Aspergers have difficulty interacting with their peers. They tend to be loners and may display eccentric behaviors. A child with Aspergers, for example, may spend hours each day preoccupied with counting cars passing on the street or watching only the weather channel on television. Coordination difficulties are also common with this disorder. These kids often have special educational needs.

Although the cause of Aspergers is not yet known, current research suggests that a tendency toward the condition may run in families. Kids with Aspergers are also at risk for other psychiatric problems including depression, attention deficit disorder, schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Child and adolescent psychiatrists have the training and expertise to evaluate pervasive developmental disorders like autism and Aspergers. They can also work with families to design appropriate and effective treatment programs. Currently, the most effective treatment involves a combination of psychotherapy, special education, behavior modification, and support for families. Some kids with Aspergers will also benefit from medication.

The outcome for kids with Aspergers is generally more promising than for those with autism. Due to their higher level of intellectual functioning, many of these kids successfully finish high school and attend college. Although problems with social interaction and awareness persist, they can also develop lasting relationships with family and friends.

Despite early theories suggesting the possibility, we now know that parenting style does not cause any of the Autism Spectrum Disorders. The number of individuals affected by Aspergers is not well known, as an accurate diagnosis can be difficult to make. Estimates are typically reported for the autism spectrum disorders in general, and these range from 1 in 150, to 1 in 1,000 individuals affected. There is a significant gender difference--males receive the diagnosis up to four times more often than females for reasons that are not well understood.

Characteristics—

Individuals with ASPERGERS typically exhibit a variety of characteristics that directly affect their ability to relate meaningfully to others. These can range from mild to severe, and affect three primary areas of development: social skills, conversational language and rigid, repetitive behavior. Specifically, individuals with ASPERGERS tend to be highly focused on topics of interest to them, often endlessly rambling to anyone who will listen. Their ability to appreciate other peoples' perspectives or to understand the subtle and nonverbal cues of communication (e.g., tone of voice, facial expression) is quite limited, leading them to make frequent social errors. Additionally, demonstrating the usual nonverbal "social graces" of a conversation is often lacking in the individual with ASPERGERS. They may have difficulty maintaining eye contact, seem distracted, and may not respond with head nods or smiles to indicate they are paying attention, seeming aloof and uninterested.

One of the traits that differentiate individuals with Aspergers from those with autism is language development. In autistic kids, language is often absent, lost, limited, or very slow to develop. In kids with Aspergers, however, language development often falls within normal limits. They frequently develop excellent vocabularies, often beyond their developmental age, and their ability to use syntax and grammar appropriately may be unaffected. Yet, these same kids have difficulty with the practical or social aspects of language. Family members often report that a child may be able to talk one-sidedly in great detail about something of interest to them, but they do not engage family members in true two-way conversation. Instead, there is limited or awkward turn-taking, and the natural "give and take" in the conversation is missing.

Despite wanting to have friends and engage with others, the awkward attempts and social deficits of individuals with ASPERGERS often make them the outsider in their peer groups. Young kids are often bullied or made the butt of mean-spirited jokes. Older kids and adults may simply be ostracized. Their repeated, but often rebuked attempts at friendships, and their painful awareness of their differences from their peers, often lead individuals with ASPERGERS to develop anxiety and/or depression.

Despite normal or above normal intellectual abilities, individuals with ASPERGERS have styles of thinking that often limit them and cause them to "get stuck" in how they see the world. They can be quite rigid in their thinking, seeing things in only one way, or they may be very concrete and literal in their thinking, only seeing things in "black and white" terms, with little or no understanding of the more ambiguous "gray" in between--like knowing when and where to apply a rule such as saying, "Excuse me" when you want a turn to speak. They may not recognize the difference in using this to interrupt two adults speaking, versus breaking into a conversation with peers. Individuals with ASPERGERS have difficulty with uncertainty and are often most comfortable with inflexible routines and rules.

Individuals with ASPERGERS also have sensory and/or motor problems. They may have an awkward posture or step, have coordination problems, or be uncomfortable with certain sensory conditions (e.g., large crowds, noises, textures). This is similar to individuals with autism, but the degree to which it affects an individual with Aspergers is usually less severe.

Effects on Families and Relationships—

There is often a tremendous amount of stress on families (parents, grandparents, siblings) of kids with Aspergers, as well as spouses who are married to adults with ASPERGERS. Not everyone reacts similarly, nor do all families experience the full range of potential issues, but some of the issues to be aware of include the following:

• Having a romantic or intimate partner with ASPERGERS can affect the relationship in a number of ways, most notably in the areas of communication and emotional give-and-take. Incorrect assumptions made by the individual with ASPERGERS often lead to self-protective strategies of distancing oneself entirely and then not responding at all to one's partner. An emphasis by the non-affected partner on expressing feelings is likely to lead to frustration and dissatisfaction.

• Parents may experience a range of concerns and emotions as they attempt to understand what caused the disorder. They may ask, "Was it my fault?" and inappropriately assign self-blame. They may feel guilt and grief over having an individual in their family they love who will suffer a lifelong disability. They may wonder and worry about what others will think, and feel personally inadequate. They may fret about how they will explain ASPERGERS to their family and friends, what can they do to help, and what financial resources will be necessary to help. And, they may worry about what will happen to this individual in the future, when the parents are no longer there to support him or her.

• Siblings may often feel embarrassed around peers, frustrated by not having the type of relationship with their sibling that they wanted or expected, and/or angry that the child with ASPERGERS requires so much of the family's time and resources at their expense.

Treatments—

Treatments are not cures, but there are a number of different interventions that have been shown to be effective in reducing symptoms associated with ASPERGERS. There are primarily three different environments for receiving services: schools, the physician's office, and various specialists' offices (including rehabilitation therapists, and mental health professionals). School districts are required to provide a range of services from support in the mainstream classroom to special education classes, depending upon the needs of the individual. A physician's treatment usually involves prescribing medication to address symptoms associated with ASPERGERS: attentional issues, obsessive-compulsive issues, anxiety and/or depression. Rehabilitation therapists who might be involved with an individual with ASPERGERS include speech-language pathologists, occupational therapists, vision therapists, and art or music therapists.

Psychologists and marriage and family therapists (MFTs) can be invaluable allies in the treatment process by helping individuals with ASPERGERS address social skills, thinking skills, family issues, anxiety and depression. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) approaches can be effective for these issues. In performing couples therapy, MFTs can help the non-ASPERGERS individual better understand what Aspergers is and how it affects their spouse/partner. Facilitating realistic expectations in both partners and developing effective communication skills and strategies are primary treatment issues for couples that include an individual with ASPERGERS.

www.MyAspergersChild.com

Alcohol and Drugs Abuse in Adolescence

Experimentation with alcohol and drugs during adolescence is common. Unfortunately, adolescents often don't see the link between their actions today and the consequences tomorrow. They also have a tendency to feel indestructible and immune to the problems that others experience.

Using alcohol and tobacco at a young age has negative health effects while some teens will experiment and stop, or continue to use occasionally, without significant problems. Others will develop a dependency, moving on to more dangerous drugs and causing significant harm to themselves and possibly others. It is difficult to know which teens will experiment and stop and which will develop serious problems. Adolescents at risk for developing serious alcohol and drug problems include those:

• who are depressed
• who feel like they don't fit in or are out of the mainstream
• who have low self-esteem, and
• with a family history of substance abuse

Adolescents abuse a variety of drugs, both legal and illegal. Legally available drugs include alcohol, prescribed medications, inhalants (fumes from glues, aerosols, and solvents) and over-the-counter cough, cold, sleep, and diet medications. The most commonly used illegal drugs are marijuana (pot), stimulants (cocaine, crack, and speed), LSD, PCP, opiates, heroin, and designer drugs (Ecstasy). The use of illegal drugs is increasing, especially among young teens. The average age of first marijuana use is 14, and alcohol use can start before age 12. The use of marijuana and alcohol in high school has become common.

Drug use is associated with a variety of negative consequences, including increased risk of serious drug use later in life, school failure, and poor judgment which may put teens at risk for accidents, violence, unplanned and unsafe sex, and suicide.

Moms and dads can prevent their kids from using drugs by talking to them about drugs, open communication, role modeling, responsible behavior, and recognizing if problems are developing.

Warning signs of teenage alcohol and drug abuse may include:

• Emotional: personality change, sudden mood changes, irritability, irresponsible behavior, low self-esteem, poor judgment, depression, and a general lack of interest.
• Family: starting arguments, breaking rules, or withdrawing from the family.
• Physical: Fatigue, repeated health complaints, red and glazed eyes, and a lasting cough.
• School: decreased interest, negative attitude, drop in grades, many absences, truancy, and discipline problems.
• Social problems: new friends who are less interested in standard home and school activities, problems with the law, and changes to less conventional styles in dress and music.

Some of the warning signs listed above can also be signs of other problems. Moms and dads may recognize signs of trouble and possible abuse of alcohol and other drugs with their adolescent. If you have concerns you may want to consult a physician to rule out physical causes of the warning signs. This should often be followed or accompanied by a comprehensive evaluation by a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist or mental health professional.

Substance Abuse Treatment for Kids and Adolescents: Questions to Ask

Many kids and adolescents use alcohol and other drugs. Some develop serious problems which require professional treatment. Examples of treatment include inpatient units, outpatient clinics, twelve step programs, and dual diagnosis units for individuals with emotional and substance abuse problems.

The decision to get treatment for a youngster or adolescent is difficult, and moms and dads are encouraged to seek consultation from a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist when making decisions about substance abuse treatment. Other psychiatric disorders often co-exist with substance abuse problems and need assessment and treatment.

When substance abuse treatment is recommended, moms and dads can obtain the information they need by asking the following questions from professionals:

1. As my youngster's problem improves, does this program provide less intensive/step-down treatment services?
2. Based on your evaluation, does my youngster have other psychiatric problems in addition to the substance abuse problem? If so, will these be addressed in the treatment process?
3. How long will this phase of the treatment process continue? Will we reach our insurance limit before treatment in this phase is completed?
4. How will my youngster continue education while in treatment?
5. How will our family be involved in our youngster's substance abuse treatment -- including the decision for discharge and the after-care?
6. How will the issue of confidentiality be handled during and after treatment?
7. If this treatment is provided in a hospital or residential program, is it approved by the Joint Commission for the Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations (JCAHO)? Is this substance abuse treatment program a separate unit accredited for youngsters of our son's age?
8. What are the credentials and experience of the members of the treatment team, and will the team include a youngster and adolescent psychiatrist with knowledge and skills in substance abuse treatment?
9. What treatment approaches does this program use regarding chemical dependency; detoxification; abstinence; individual, family, and group therapy; use of medications; a twelve-step program; mutual-help groups; relapse prevention; and a continuing recovery process?
10. What will treatment cost? Are the costs covered by my insurance or health plan?
11. When my youngster is discharged from this phase of treatment, how will it be decided what types of ongoing treatment will be necessary, how often, and for how long?
12. Why do you believe this treatment in this program is indicated for my youngster? How does it compare to other programs or services which are available?

Severe substance abuse and chemical dependence in adolescence may be a chronic and relapsing disorder. Moms and dads should ask what treatment services are available for continued or future treatment.

If questions or doubts persist about either admission to a substance abuse treatment program or about a denial of treatment, a second opinion may be helpful.

Online Parent Support

Kids and the Internet

Computers have traditionally been trusted by both kids and adults as reliable and accurate sources of information. The rapid growth of online services and Internet access has added a new dimension to modern computing. Through a modem and phone line kids now have access to an almost endless supply of information and opportunity for interaction. However, there can be real risks and dangers for an unsupervised youngster.

Most online services give kids resources such as encyclopedias, current events coverage, and access to libraries and other valuable material. They can also play games and communicate with friends. The ability to "click" from one area to another appeals to a youngster's natural impulsivity and curiosity and needs for immediate gratification or feedback.

Most moms and dads teach their kids not to talk with strangers, not to open the door if they are home alone, and not to give out information on the telephone to unknown callers. Most moms and dads also monitor where their kids go, who they play with, and what TV shows, books, or magazines they are exposed to. However, many moms and dads don't realize that the same level of guidance and supervision must be provided for a youngster's online experience.

Moms and dads cannot assume that their youngster will be protected by the supervision or regulation provided by the online services. Most "chat rooms" or "news groups" are completely unsupervised. Because of the anonymous nature of the "screen name," kids who communicate with others in these areas will not know if they are "talking" with another youngster or a child predator pretending to be a youngster or adolescent. Unlike the mail and visitors that a parent sees a youngster receive at home, e-mail or "chat room" activity is not seen by moms and dads. Unfortunately, there can be serious consequences to kids who have been persuaded to give personal information, (e.g. name, passwords, phone number, email or home address) or have agreed to meet someone in person.

Some of the other risks or problems include:

• kids accessing areas that are inappropriate or overwhelming;
• kids being invited to register for prizes or to join a club when they are providing personal or household information to an unknown source;
• kids being mislead and bombarded with intense advertising
• hours spent online is time lost from developing real social skills and from physical activity and exercise
• online information that promotes hate, violence, and pornography.

In order to make a youngster's online experience more safe and educational, moms and dads should:

• insist that a youngster follow the same guidelines at other computers that they might have access to, such as those at school, libraries, or friends' homes;
• limit the amount of time a youngster spends online and "surfing the web";
• make use of the parental control features offered with your online service, or obtaining commercially available software programs, to restrict access to "chat lines," news groups, and inappropriate websites;
• monitor the content of a youngster's personal webpage (homepage) and screen name profile information;
• never give a youngster credit card numbers or passwords that will enable online purchases or access to inappropriate services or sites;
• provide for an individual e-mail address only if a youngster is mature enough to manage it, and plan to periodically monitor the youngster's e-mail and online activity;
• remind a youngster that not everything they see or read online is true;
• teach a youngster never to give out any personal identifying information to another individual or website online;
• teach a youngster that talking to "screen names" in a "chat room" is the same as talking with strangers;
• teach a youngster to never agree to actually meet someone they have met online;
• teach a youngster to use the same courtesy in communicating with others online as they would if speaking in person -- i.e. no vulgar or profane language, no name calling, etc.

Moms and dads should remember that communicating online does not prepare kids for real interpersonal relationships. Spending time with a youngster initially exploring an online service and periodically participating with a youngster in the online experience gives moms and dads an opportunity to monitor and supervise the activity. It is also an opportunity to learn together.

Online Parent Support